CHAPTER 39
ROXY
Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
After three and a half hours at the cabin, they hadn't had any deep conversations. Those hours consisted of exchanging smiles and a few words about their tastes and interests. However, there were unspoken issues.
After dinner, Roxy and Ellen settled down in the living room in front of the fireplace.
Roxy sat on the rug with her legs stretched out, leaning against the sofa.
Ellen, meanwhile, was curled up in the armchair, a cup in her hand, wrapped in a blanket.
Her knees were bent, and the knit fabric touched her collarbone, as if it were a shield she secretly needed.
"It's really isolated out here," Ellen murmured, glancing around. "No one could hear me scream to death if I had to. Perfect place to make me disappear."
Roxy looked up at her, a little confused. "Do you often think about scenarios like that?"
"Only when I'm with you." Everything stilled for half a second.
"I'm not sure if that terrifies me or turns me on really badly.
" Roxy couldn't tell if Ellen was flirting or being serious and didn't want to risk finding out.
She let the silence stretch, her thumb tracing the rim of the mug. Then, she finally decided to ask:
"Roxy, what was your first lie you told me? I think it's time we got to know the real you."
Roxy sighed. Ellen had just burst the bubble and attacked.
She had obviously been waiting for the right moment to ask her, ever since she saw Roxy at her door.
She knew this question would come up sooner or later.
And maybe now was the right time to get it over with once and for all.
She had promised Ellen the truth, and she was going to keep that promise and face the consequences.
Rising from the floor, she settled onto the sofa, bringing herself to Ellen's eye level. "Okay, let's do it." The first words came out with pain for Roxy. She braced herself before speaking, knowing Ellen wouldn't be thrilled with her story.
"You already know the basics. Yup, I'm Scottish—my accent and my appreciation for good Scotch prove it."
Ellen let out a laugh, making Roxy's heart warm. "I come from a village of 2,000-3,000 people in the Highlands. It was the kind of place where it was difficult to keep secrets. Everyone knew everything. I knew I would leave as soon as I had the chance to do so. Which I did."
Roxy fought not to let Ellen's intense stare throw her off.
"My parents never quite mastered the art of being liked by others.
They were universally despised, and I was one of them.
My parents were complicated and," she continued, "and their socially conservative views were deeply immoral, especially when it came to gay people.
I think that's one of the reasons why I never thought about my sexual orientation.
Better late than never, I suppose." Things went quiet for a second.
"It wasn't easy for me to bear the name Kerr in my village. "
Ellen looked surprised. "Kerr? But you said it was your real name when we met at Baxter's."
"I know what I said. My real name is Roxanne, or Roxy. Whatever you prefer." She gave Ellen an embarrassed smile before continuing. "But my real last name is Kerr, not Powell."
Ellen froze in place, her eyes wide and her breath completely gone. In short, she was in shock. Roxy knew this was a possibility. But so quickly? "Ellen? Are you okay?" Roxy asked, nervous, as she had rarely been.
"I... uh... I need to go to the bathroom," Ellen stammered as she got up and rushed to the toilet.
Shit. Did I say too much? Roxy asked herself. She held her breath, every muscle rigid, as she waited for Ellen to come back. Tolerating the uncertainty and accepting the upcoming laborious exercise was something she had to do, for Ellen's and Roxy's own sake.
Five minutes later, Ellen emerged from the bathroom, her posture far more relaxed than when she'd sought solace there. She sat back closer this time and looked Roxy straight in the eye. "So, Roxanne Kerr?" Roxy nodded while Ellen stayed put. "Even your name was a lie too," Ellen said.
"It wasn't a lie for me." Ellen seemed a bit puzzled, but curious why Roxy wasn't lying.
"Roxanne Powell is the role I've had to play every day for the past eight years.
Over time, it became my reality," Roxy continued.
"I was told to become her. Roxanne Kerr ceased to exist the day I joined MI6.
You can search high and low, but you'll find no trace of her—she's a ghost."
Ellen was obviously torn over whether to agree with Roxy's perspective. "Okay, but who are you exactly? I seriously need to get this straight if we want to move forward. Who introduced herself to me back in January?"
What an outstanding question, Ellen! Who was she in January?
Roxy knew the answer but was too afraid to speak up.
She had always thought she had killed Kerr in cold blood by signing her enrollment papers, but the reality was quite different.
Kerr found herself locked inside a cage as a prisoner of Powell.
All these years, Kerr witnessed all the atrocities Powell committed without the ability to say a word: murder, extortion, betrayal.
Name it, and she probably did it. Powell was, in truth, a woman of cruelty and coldness. Only a fool would think differently.
"I like to imagine Roxanne Powell ordered the Talisker, but Roxy Kerr reached it first when she took the vacant seat beside you," she replied with serenity.
"Being with you makes me feel like the old Roxy, the one from before MI6.
From that point on, I was Roxy Kerr until I disappeared, and then I had to be Powell again. "
Roxy listened to her own words, and as she spoke, it felt like she was stepping right into an episode of The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
"And what about now?" Ellen inquired, her hand landing on Roxy's.
"Roxanne Powell never made it back from Jakarta.
" At that moment, it was probably one of Roxy's most definite beliefs.
"Roxy Kerr is a vulnerable woman with a troubled past and associated trauma.
Her lack of self-confidence may have easily led the wrong people to influence her into becoming Powell. "
"I just have too many questions popping into my head," Ellen murmured, closing her eyes and massaging her forehead, as if to relieve a headache.
"And I'd like you to ask me all these questions. Unless it's dangerous for you to know, I will answer them. Okay?" Ellen's head moved quickly in agreement. "Perfect."
Ellen's first question came after a stretch of profound silence. "How did you end up joining MI6?" A question so simple, yet so complex to answer. Roxy would not back down, though.
"I want to clear something up right away.
Nobody coerced me into joining MI6. They recruited me, and I opted for this life," Roxy clarified.
"And it all goes back to when I was living in Scotland.
As I told you, I wanted to leave my village as soon as I had the chance.
I enlisted as a soldier in the British Army at seventeen.
Two years later, I enrolled in the officer training program. "
Roxy glanced at Ellen, then kept going. Her story captivated Ellen. Roxy was about to reveal things she'd kept private from everyone, including Charles and Meredith. It showed how much Ellen meant to her.
"I was first sent to the Royal Military Academy; then when the opportunity arose, I applied for a program where the Army paid for my university tuition.
I wanted to understand the world and make sense of the things I couldn't fix at home.
I was good at school, especially in history and geopolitics.
So, I went to King's College and studied international relations.
Shortly before my graduation, the Army quickly approached me to gauge my interest in joining a specialized unit responsible for military intelligence.
It was exciting, so I said yes right away.
My guess is that MI6 spotted me as a potential recruit and put me on that path to prepare me for them.
All they had to do was pick the fruit once it was ripe. "
In recent weeks, Roxy has reflected considerably on this period of her life, which was significantly shaped by her friendship with Meredith. She felt foolish, realizing how easily she had walked into the carefully laid trap. Meeting Ellen Caldwell was the one good outcome of the situation.
"I became a liaison officer to the Prime Minister's office following my second deployment in Iraq."
Ellen couldn't hide how impressive she found her. Roxy laughed.
"Yes, it's prestigious, but boring as hell. I missed the action. Despite that, I complied with orders and did remarkably well in the job until the day of March 23, 2017."
"What happened?" Ellen's focus was as intense as a reader unable to set aside a captivating novel. No wonder seeing as Roxy's a natural storyteller.
"I had developed a routine after work. I would leave 10 Downing Street and walk to the banks of the Thames to sit and meditate for a while before returning to my flat by train.
Except that everything was strange that day.
I had spent the day giving a high-level briefing to the Prime Minister and people I had never met before.
I was exhausted. I walked quietly, talking to my—"
"Flatmate" was the word she was about to say before cutting herself off.
She had promised Ellen the whole truth, but she didn't feel capable of talking about her greatest regret after hurting Ellen: hurting Meredith by disappearing from her life without a trace.
What was the point of talking about it if Meredith was in the past for good?