Chapter 29
twenty-nine
cam
My head felt fuzzy, in a good way. It happened after I had a good time as a Little.
Blinking my eyes open was the worst, though. So many cobwebs and the need to rub my eyes so hard even though everyone said one had to be gentle.
Fuck gentle.
“Easy, baby boy.”
Oh.
Oooh.
This time was not like others when it was just me waking up in my bed. I didn’t have to push myself to go back to adulting instead of burying myself under the covers and staying in the headspace that meant there were no worries or big things to take over too much space in my head.
“Daddy,” I sighed. He was still shirtless, and we were still in the sunroom.
A hint of sunset gave the room an orange shade that made it a tad harder to talk myself into staying awake.
Staying awake was the thing to do, though, no matter how cozy and comforting this place was.
Why hadn’t I spent more time here? Daddy had shown the room to me, but it had always felt like it would be invading his space. “This is the best room ever.”
I was warm, Daddy was with me, and my stomach was all happy because of the milk and the aftertaste of Daddy’s skin.
“I’m glad, darlin’.” Not only was his voice the perfect scratch of grumbly, he gave me a forehead kiss. I was definitely spending more time here. Ohh, it would be perfect with the puppies, too. “You look more rested.”
“Yeah.” I nuzzled into his neck. I was not a morning person. That applied to waking up from naps at any time, and the effect was more noticeable when the nap had been a Little-nap. “You’re the bestest, Daddy.”
“Thank you, baby boy.” He wrapped his arms around me, his hand rubbing up and down my back. “You’re the best boy, too. I’m so glad you’re feeling better.”
It took me a couple of minutes to start remembering why I hadn’t been feeling better, or why I shouldn’t be feeling better. A shiver ran up my spine, my teeth chattering. I could put a stop to it before it went bad, though.
Maybe I was a good boy.
Good and strong.
Kara…
“I’m worried about her,” I mumbled. “Her text said her Domme didn’t want her talking to me. What if she’s also abusive because of the thing I told you? People who have been abused are likelier to fall into a new abusive relationship.”
“She also told you she was doing well,” he pointed out. “Do you think she’d lie to you?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. She never lied to me, but that was before I was an asshole.”
Daddy sighed. He squeezed me to his side, though. Focusing on the affection, and his warmth against my body, was easier than focusing on the thoughts beginning to cross through my head. “What really happened, Cam? To make you ghost her?”
I averted my gaze. “It’s not a good excuse.”
“I don’t want excuses, darlin’,” he said. “I just want to know what happened.”
I bet he’d been about to utter empty words about how the Cam he knew would never do such a thing. It was what everyone said in the movies and the audiobooks I used to listen to while I dealt with the commute to the zoo back home.
Huh.
I hadn’t thought about New York as home in months. I didn’t think it was because of feeling homesick. If anything, being here was showing me what home actually felt and looked like. But it was still weird.
Oh, well.
“I broke up with a Dom.” I pursed my lips. “I mean, breaking up isn’t the right word, is it? He was just a Sadist I met up on the regular at a club near my place. But he started seeing someone else and decided that he wanted her full time and didn’t want anything to do with me any longer.”
“I’m sorry.”
I grunted. “It seems so stupid now. I didn’t even tell her.
I mean, the day it happened, she was having a really bad day.
She’d had a bad nightmare, and then her ex had found her in an app she had forgotten to block her in, so she was very rattled, right?
And like, I got it, obviously, but then…
There wasn’t a time to tell her, and things kept building up, with issues with my bosses at work, and my own family planning a wedding I wasn’t invited to, and…
I don’t know. It kept going like that, and I started to feel resentful.
And hating myself for it, obviously. And then I started…
I think depression got a hold of me, you know, and there was no…
There was no going back. I wish I could. Go back, I mean.”
“Maybe you can now, if Kara is okay with staying in touch.”
I didn’t need to be in a fully adult headspace to hear the reluctant tone in his voice. He didn’t believe Kara would want that.
“But even then, I’ll have to explain this shit to her, and she’ll definitely hate me when she hears it.”
“Maybe she will.” The confirmation made me whimper. I got what he was doing, remembered what he said about Roy and how he’d treated him differently. It still sucked. “But isn’t having closure better?”
“But it’s scary.”
“It is.”
I nodded. “Can we stay here a bit longer?”
“We can, darlin’.”
Daddy had insisted I didn’t check my phone until tomorrow. I’d compromised that I would have a proper breakfast tomorrow because apparently my breakfasts weren’t hearty enough, but I was checking my phone.
The anxiety that would’ve come with not knowing, with wondering, it would’ve been hell. The kind that would’ve made me ignore an order from Daddy and face the disappointment and the punishment that would come with it.
To be honest, I didn’t think there would be anything. I just thought that I’d check, see that there was no reply, and beat myself over it because that felt more familiar and made more sense than going to bed with Daddy as if everything was right with the world.
There was a text, though.
soft_and_sweet
Why do you need to ask your boss for permission to adopt puppies?
Can you send pics?
These are Princess and Prince. Mónica’s nibling named them.
For a few minutes, it didn’t compute. Why was she replying like we were just… Like she usually would? It was weird.
Then again, maybe she was fumbling as hard as I was because everything was confusing, and it was hard to tell up from down.
waffles_and_whips
Well, I live with him, and it’s his place
It’s a long story
I’ll send pics tomorrow? I don’t have them with me now
soft_and_sweet
Oh, okay?
We could… Maybe we could talk
I’m scared but I’ve missed you and I don’t know if it’s fair but like I deserve closure if nothing else, y’know
My therapist said that today
waffles_and_whips
Okay
Now there was no way I’d fall asleep, but oh well. I gulped, my fist pressing against my racing heart.
It would be a problem for Daddy.
Fuck.
It would be a problem for me, too, because tears sprung to my eyes, and that was never good.
I hated crying.
“Come here, baby boy.”
Where had he come from? I frowned, parted my mouth open so that I could ask, but then he had his arms wrapped around me, and he pushed me close to his chest, and suddenly, words left me and there were no strings holding me uptight.
But Daddy was there.
He was.
The tears flowed as the realization hit. It hit deep.
He was there. I had someone there. For me. No more fantasizing about it on forums. No more struggling with myself and my straying thoughts with no one to talk to.
It was probably too fast to lean this hard on someone. I wasn’t stupid. Or reckless. Was anyone with my levels of anxiety ever reckless? Was it even possible? If I were a therapist, I think I’d make it so that if someone was reckless, it would be a surefire way to discard anxiety as a diagnosis.
I was no therapist, though.
It was for the best, too. Well, I didn’t know if it was, but given how scattered I could be in my own therapy appointments? That didn’t sound like a great endorsement.
“I love you, Daddy.”
His breath hitched. He had me so pressed to him, it was impossible not to notice it. My skin broke into the warmest goosebumps.
It was silly, but catching a Daddy off guard? Saúl, to be exact?
Almost as good as the hours we spent in the sunroom.
“I love you, baby boy.”