Chapter 30 #2
The teddy bear staring back at me was sweet. Kara had so many teddy bears. She wasn’t like other Littles who took their stuffies with them all the time, but her room was filled to the brim with them. She’d showed me her collection once, and that one hadn’t been a part of it.
It had to be a good sign. Kara hadn’t bought teddy bears for herself after she broke up with her ex, so it had to be a sign. Right?
Right.
Shit.
The call ended.
Oh, fuck.
Had she ended it? Or had I taken too long and it had cut off on its own?
I didn’t know.
A whimper caught in the back of my throat.
At least, it spurred me on to start a call myself.
My heart lodged up my neck, but it was done, and now there was no going back.
No going back at all, because the call connected right away after two seconds of it ringing, and then Kara covered the entire screen.
She had her hair in a messy, loose braid tucked over her shoulder.
She was wearing one of those fluffy hoodies I was jealous of but never felt like I could justify buying.
“Hi.” I croaked out.
I could see myself in the corner of the screen. It looked grainy. The connection must be spotty. We’d done worse, and I didn’t usually care, but I did when my heart beat as fast as it did now.
“Hi.” Kara scratched her skin above the elbow. “How are you?”
“Um.” I started fidgeting. A lot. Fuck. “I’m good. Are you good? You look good. And you have a new stuffie, I think. But you also have a new Domme, and is it good? Are you good with her? Is she good?”
I froze before I continued rambling and interrogating her. That was not good, either. I really was fucking up this already, and we hadn’t been on call for more than a minute.
“Mónica’s great.” Kara cleared her throat.
She looked to the side before she lifted a hand and showed what looked like a car fob with a yellow and a red button.
“She gave me this. If I press it, she’ll come here.
She’s downstairs with one of my roommates.
Yellow means she joins the call, and red means she ends it. ”
“Okay.” My throat ran dry, and I was pretty sure my heart rate didn’t spike this high even when doing a HIIT workout, but I ignored it. “You can do that. Whenever.”
“Yeah.” Kara gulped. “So, how are you? How are the white tigers? Are there more gay ones?”
“Um, I don’t know,” I mumbled. “I’m not working at the zoo.”
“Oh. Right. You said the weird thing about living with your boss.” Right as the words were out, Kara’s brows furrowed.
“Are you okay? I know I’m far, but if you need resources, I still know places, and numbers you can call, and you can text them too if you want or talking out loud is too hard.
I know the world is burning but people are still really trying, you know. ”
“I’m good.” She was kind of like me. If someone let us get carried away, we could spiral forever and ever, and it was the worst when people thought the right thing was to let us get away with all of our stray thoughts.
It wasn’t. I didn’t care what all the forums said.
The knots in my stomach just grew ten times larger the longer I spoke.
“I’m… I mean. I’m really good? But I kind of hate that, and I swear it wasn’t on purpose. ”
Kara tilted her head to the side. “What does that mean?”
So I proceeded to tell her about getting a job interview to work at the sanctuary, and the job including boarding, and how I’d taken it to be in the middle of nowhere because I felt like I deserved it, but then I didn’t know I’d be living with Saúl or that he’d be a Daddy or everything else that happened since he found out I was Little and since we spent two weeks in Texas.
“You’re…” Kara blinked owlishly. Why was it so oddly comforting? She did that when she was trying to process. Or when I was speaking too fast and she needed a second to reset. “So you got rid of your support network for… me?”
I winced. “It sounds bad when you put it like that.”
Kara narrowed her eyes. “I don’t have to make anything sound good for you.” As soon as the words were out, she yelped, hand covering her mouth. “Sorry. I mean… Sorry.”
“It’s fine.” I squirmed. I should’ve brought one of the puppies with me or something.
I was bad at keeping still. “You’re right.
I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I… I fucked up.
I was shitty with you, and then I… I should’ve never hired that investigator, or reached out to you, or fucked up with your life again. Y’know.”
“I just don’t understand,” she whispered.
“You were… I know I leaned on you a lot, but like, I did it because I really trusted you. I thought you really cared, and you were there for me. Just… If it was too much for you, why didn’t…
Why not just tell me? We could’ve talked about other stuff. Figured it out.”
“No, it’s not on you,” I promised. “You deserved someone that was there for you. Unconditionally.”
Kara turned quieter, made herself smaller. “So why weren’t you?”
I averted my gaze. I didn’t know if she could see, if the spotty connection was suddenly a good thing. I didn’t know anything.
It felt bad.
Awful, actually.
Wrapping my arms around my chest helped some, but it wasn’t like I could ignore the woman on the screen and why everything was wrong.
“It’s stupid now. I just… It all snowballed.”
“Uh, Cam?” Kara repeated my name two more times, until I was glancing up and meeting her gaze. “Maybe you’re the one who needs your Daddy there?”
“N-no,” I protested. It was weak, I knew, but the sentiment was there.
Daddy would come if I called, but he was working.
Besides, it wouldn’t be fair. Kara was the one who had gotten hurt.
She was the one who deserved comfort. Not me.
“No, it’s fine. I just… I’m really sorry.
I don’t know what else to say. I don’t understand why you’re being so nice. ”
I sniffled, wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand.
“Because I am?” Kara’s voice tilted up as if it was a question. “I’ve never… Well, okay, no, I’ve been really angry with you, but I never resented you. I mean, I guess I was a lot back then, and I wouldn’t have done the same, but like… It is what it is, I guess.”
“I’m sorry.”
I didn’t know how many more times I could say it, but if it was all I could utter during the call… Well, it would be fair.
“Cam, you sound really bad. You’re worrying me.
” Kara chewed on her lip. “It’s kind of unfair, you know, because I’m supposed to be calling you out on violating my privacy and like hiring a fucking PI when you knew I was paranoid about my ex being able to find me.
and now you’ve proven my fear is right because I can be found. ”
I really should’ve brought one of the pups with me. “I know. I’m sorry. I… I don’t know what I was thinking.”
I was thinking that I missed her, and that I didn’t know how she was doing and couldn’t find her anywhere. I just wanted to check that she was all right, that her ex hadn’t found her and that she hadn’t gone back to her. Not that I could’ve done much, but I wasn’t the most rational.
“Okay.” She spoke slowly. “That’s… okay. You’re still worrying me. Do you have your meds? Or maybe you can check in with your therapist? Does she offer emergency sessions?”
I shook my head right away. “It’s fine.”
“Cam…” Kara sighed. She toyed with the end of her braid. “I missed you too, y’know.”
“Um. What about you? How are you doing?”
It was a way out, I knew it. Kara did, too.
She looked hesitant, frozen for a few seconds.
I’d half-convinced myself that she was going to end the call before actually letting me into her life.
But she didn’t. She just started talking and getting livelier by the minute.
She talked about her Domme and how she’d color by her feet instead of worshipping her boots, and about the local kink club where they played, and the Little she went on milkshake dates with, and their group play nights, and…
Fuck.
My eyes stung.
I was going to end up crying again today, wasn’t I?
But what she said sounded perfect.
And there was no one who deserved it more like her. The perfect community she’d been certain didn’t exist after what she went through with her ex and her friends.
“Uh, can I call my Domme?” Kara frowned. “I’m not safewording, but like… I want to introduce you. If you want it, too.”
“Oh.” I blinked. “Okay. If you want?”
It was strange. Guilt gnawed at me regardless, but… but part of it also felt like old times, like no time had passed and Kara was just rambling about her life like she did before she grew more aware of the abuse she was suffering.
The problem was me, the one who had changed, who wasn’t the same.
“Okay!” Kara added more cheer to her voice than it was called for, but I got it. I did the same when she was having bad days, and I didn’t quite know how to raise her spirits without turning completely dismissive. “I’ll be just a moment.”
I gave her a swift nod. She untangled her crossed legs and was off the screen one second later.
I didn’t at all count the seconds while she was gone or stare very hard at the time in the upper corner of the screen.
Maybe I should grab a Xanax. I didn’t think my heart rate had slowed down a lot, and that wasn’t healthy.
If I focused on it, I started to feel pins and needles all over, and then I started to worry that I wasn’t getting any air, and oh fuck.
No, I couldn’t have a panic attack right now.
There was no way.
A door in the background brought my attention back to the screen. Four beats later, Kara’s face was on sight again. She looked a bit more flushed but good flushed. Another face joined in.
Her Domme had dark brown hair slacked back with a buzzed undercut. She looked gentle, but like she meant business.
“Um. Hi.” Oh, fuck. I whipped my face to look at Kara. “Does she speak English? Sorry, I didn’t ask. I’m learning Spanish, actually. I can… I mean, I’m not great at it yet, but—”
“Why are you learning Spanish?” Kara asked. “But, uh, yeah, Mónica speaks English, it’s fine.”
“It’s—” Wait. Introducing myself to Mónica took priority over explaining anything. “Um. Sorry. Nice to meet you, Ma’am. Sorry it’s, um, like this?”
Mónica cocked her head to the side. “I told Kara already that what’s going on between the two of you stays between the two of you. You don’t have to kiss my ass.”
“She really doesn’t like it when people do that,” Kara mock whispered.
It got her a side eye from her Domme, and I tensed, preparing for a bigger reaction, but nothing came. I didn’t relax right away, but it helped.
“Um. Sorry. No ass kissing. Promise.”
Mónica rolled her eyes. “You’re good.”
I nodded, more to myself than her.
“So, why learning Spanish?” Kara pressed. “You always said you were very bad at languages. I mean, it’s great you’re learning, but there has to be a reason. Right?”
“Yeah.” I blushed, gaze down. I remembered telling her about sucking at languages.
It was back when we were starting to know each other, and she was telling me about her dad and how it was sad that she only learned Spanish but not German because he didn’t have contact with that side of his family.
“But Daddy’s family runs the sanctuary. His family’s Chilean, and they hire lots of Latine immigrants, and not all of them speak English great.
Daddy told me I had to learn Spanish on my first day here. ”
I probably hadn’t done enough to this day.
No wonder the hands didn’t like me that much.
I hadn’t had any issues, but I should be able to do more than small talk to ask someone about their day and then pretend I’d caught all of it while telling them my day was good, too.
I’d gotten one or two odd looks I’d been too ashamed to tell anyone about.
“That’s cool!” Kara clapped her hands. “I can help you, if you want. I mean, I don’t know Chilean slang, and I’ve heard they speak super fast, but I can help with the basics? Or something. I mean, your Daddy can help you if you say a wrong word. Right?”
“Um. Yeah?”
Maybe Daddy could help me decipher this entire conversation, too, because I was not getting it. Kara was supposed to be angry or upset, and I was supposed to be apologizing, and then she’d tell me to have a good life or something. But instead, she was offering to teach me Spanish?
It didn’t make any sense.
I didn’t deserve it.
“Um. I should head to the vet lair soon.” It wasn’t a lie, but it felt like one, like I was giving a flimsy excuse. “They let me start off later today, but I have to check on one of the foxes and—”
“Can I get pictures?” Kara shrieked. “Foxes are so cute!”
I gulped. “Sure.”
Daddy hadn’t said anything about snapping pictures of the animals. I’d just do it without flash while giving them scritches. I wasn’t so irresponsible.
The foxes needed more scritches than they got on a daily basis, anyway.
“Yay!” Kara bounced on the bed. Then, she realized what she did and grew more subdued again. “Uh, I’ll let you get to work. Maybe we can… text some and see? These weeks have been a lot. I feel all scrambled up. It’s not nice.”
“I’m sorry. Again.” Was I going to get any other words out? Ugh. “Um. And it’s fine? I… I thought you’d just hate me, honestly, so… Yeah. Zero expectations. And I promise I won’t do anything bad again. I mean, you’re doing okay, and um, yeah, I’m very glad about that.”
Kara’s smile was still subdued but more genuine when she answered with a simple nod. “Sergio said we’re having a milkshake date today even though technically we already had our weekly milkshake, so I’ll go do that, too.”
Mónica squeezed her closer and gave her a kiss on her temple. I didn’t get jealous or anything. Temple kisses hit different.
I wanted one, too.
“I talked with Abel, and he said you two need to be at his place before his shift at the gym so that the cat doesn’t get lonely.”
Kara scrunched up her nose. I did the same. “Ma’am, the cat will be fine if she gets a break for a bit.”
“I agree with you,” Mónica chuckled, “but I bet Sergio won’t want to go against his Daddy.”
I followed along as they teased each other, then smiled as big as I could when Kara turned to me to say goodbye.
Now I just had to pretend I was doing okay for the rest of the day.
Easy peasy.