32. Eli
CHAPTER 32
ELI
“Aren’t you supposed to be at practice still?” I asked, my voice coming out steadier than I expected. Anything to deflect from the way my stomach had twisted into knots at Niall’s question.
Niall dropped his bag onto the floor by the couch and rolled his shoulders, stretching his leg out slightly. “Felt some tightness in my hamstring. It’s nothing serious. The trainer said no full-contact practice today, just get a full night’s rest. It’s the best way for my body to repair itself.”
Relief washed through me. “Anything I can do to help?”
“Yeah.” His gaze sharpened on me. “You can tell me what’s wrong.”
So much for deflecting.
I swallowed, my grip tightening around the edge of the package. “Just got this from my ex, Chase.”
Niall didn’t say anything at first. Just waited. Giving me space to keep going.
I exhaled sharply, my pulse pounding in my ears. “It’s a photo of us. And a note.” My jaw clenched as I repeated the words I’d already read. Hope you haven’t forgotten who really knows you. My laugh came out brittle. “Classic Chase. Always so sure of himself. Always so sure of me. ”
Niall’s expression didn’t change, but I caught the way his fingers curled into his palm before he flexed them out again. “What does he want?”
“To remind me he still exists? That he had some kind of claim on me once?” My throat tightened, and I forced out a rough breath. “Or maybe just to fuck with my head for the hell of it.” I pushed off the counter and walked to the couch, sinking into it as the weight of old memories pressed down on me.
Niall sat beside me—not too close, not too far. Just there. Solid. “You mentioned him before, but you didn’t give me all the details,” he said. “And I didn’t want to pry.”
My throat tightened. I hadn’t talked about this, not really. But I think Niall needed to know. I needed him to understand.
“I loved him,” I started, the words bitter on my tongue. “Or I thought I did. I was all in, you know? And maybe I should’ve seen the kind of person he really was early on, but I didn’t. Maybe I didn’t want to. Because slowly, bit by bit, he chipped away at me. At who I was. At how I saw myself.”
Niall didn’t interrupt, just listened, and that was enough to keep me going.
“Chase made me doubt my own damn identity. At first, it was little comments, shit that seemed like jokes. ‘ You’re dating me, so you must be gay, right ?’ Like being bi wasn’t real. Like I was just ‘ transitioning ’ to being fully gay. But then it got worse. He’d say things like, ‘ You just don’t know it yet, but you’ll figure it out soon .’ Or he’d make these backhanded comments about how bi people were just confused or greedy. He had me questioning myself, Niall. Like maybe he was right. Maybe I was just fooling myself.”
I rubbed a hand over my face, my jaw tight. “He’d get jealous if I so much as mentioned a female friend or a study partner. He’d do this passive-aggressive thing, like, ‘ Oh, you spent a lot of time with her. Should I be worried ?’ At first, I’d laughed it off, but after a while, I started second-guessing everything.”
The weight of the memories settled in my chest like a stone.
“It got to the point where I instinctively hid my phone screen when a notification popped up, expecting him to ask who I was texting. I even found myself checking my own texts like I was worried about what he’d find. And then, when he’d leave, I’d go over every little thing in my head, thinking maybe I’d done something wrong, maybe I’d missed something. I didn’t want to fight, Niall. I didn’t want to cause trouble, so I just?—”
I swallowed hard, the words sour in my mouth.
“I had friends. Good ones. And little by little, I pulled away. It was easier than dealing with the accusations, the fights. Until one day, I realized I wasn’t talking to any of them anymore. He isolated me without me even noticing.” I exhaled sharply, my throat tightening. “And my family... We’ve always been close. When I came out to them, it wasn’t hard. They supported me. Even when I moved five hundred miles away for school, we still talked all the time. My mom would send me these ridiculous memes, my dad would text me updates about this or that, my sister would drop by my dorm just to rant about some drama with her friends.” I let out a humorless laugh. “I never thought anything could change that. But it did. Because of him. Because I started keeping things from them—things I never used to hide. And after a while, it got easier to just... not answer their calls at all. Or when my sister dropped by, I pretended I wasn’t in my dorm.”
Niall’s hands clenched into fists at his sides. “Eli, I’m so sorry.”
“I was never the type to break things or lose my shit, but back then? I was so fucking angry. Not at him. At myself. For thinking I could make it work. For letting myself believe I deserved that kind of relationship.”
I let out a shaky breath. “Until one day, I realized I didn’t deserve the pain.”
Silence stretched between us, heavy, charged.
I turned to look at Niall, my voice quieter now. “I used to tell myself that if I just did everything right, if I just didn’t give Chase a reason to doubt me, things would be okay. That if I just loved him enough, he’d finally trust me. But I was wrong. Because love isn’t supposed to feel like you’re constantly proving yourself. Like you have to shrink yourself down just to keep the peace.” I swallowed past the tightness in my throat. “And maybe that’s why I’m struggling now. Because I finally got out. I promised myself I’d never be in that position again. And yet, here I am.”
Niall’s gaze was locked on mine, unreadable, his fingers flexing like he wanted to reach for me but didn’t know if he should.
I forced out a breath, my pulse hammering. “I was with a guy who fought me at every turn. And now I’m with a guy who won’t fight to acknowledge me out loud.”
Niall flinched like I’d struck him. His jaw tightened. His throat bobbed like he wanted to say something—but the words didn’t come.
Finally, his voice came, low and rough. “That’s not fair.”