Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
“ Y ou are packing up the house? Already?” Leah stood in the hall the next morning, watching as the butler directed the staff, who were carrying boxes of supplies out to several coaches that waited in the drive. She couldn’t quite believe what she was seeing. They had been back in London for just a few days, and now, already--they were leaving.
“Yes, Your Grace,” the butler said, bowing his head.
“But… We just got here!” Leah cried, incredulous, as she stared at the man. “How can we be leaving already?”
The butler eyed her nervously. “I am just following the instructions I was given, Your Grace. If you have any questions, I suggest that you take it up with the Duke.”
“Oh, I will certainly be taking this up with the Duke,” Leah said, putting her hands on her hips. “My family is here in London, and I am not going to return to the country to be bored out of my mind again.”
The butler gave her another nervous look, and Leah immediately regretted her words. The butler was just doing his job. It was unladylike--and certainly not befitting of a duchess--to make him feel bad about carrying out his duties.
Another way in which I fail to be a proper duchess , she thought, her heart clenching.
“I shall speak with His Grace,” she amended. “Thank you, I know you are doing an excellent job.”
“Thank you, Your Grace,” the butler said, bowing low.
But whatever fury Leah had felt about the idea of returning to the country began to dissipate with every step she took toward the door of Dorian’s study, where she knew he had been holed up all morning. With every step she took, doubt began to creep into her mind.
It’s my fault. It’s because of the faux pas that I made last night. He saw them and was embarrassed by me. Why wouldn’t he be? I was embarrassed by me!
By the time she reached the door of her husband’s study, she was trembling. She had always known that she would never fit in with Society, and she had certainly known she would fail to be the proper, perfect duchess. But hearing it from Dorian’s mouth would be even more humiliating.
But no, she was being delusional. Dorian wouldn’t leave London simply because she hadn’t lived up to her title on the first try… would he?
With mounting trepidation, she stopped in front of his study door and knocked three times.
“Enter,” he called out, and his voice, deep and resonant, sent a shiver up her spine. She pushed open the door and walked into the study.
Dorian looked up at her, his expression careful and reserved.
“Yes?” he asked. “What is it?”
Leah swallowed as she moved into the room and closed the door behind her. There was something wary in her husband’s expression that made her nervous--as if he were anticipating her question.
“Why are the servants packing up the house?” she asked. “Are we returning to the countryside?”
Dorian blinked slowly. At last, she shook his head. “No,” he said, “We are not returning to the countryside.”
Relief flooded Leah at once. “Oh thank goodness! I really thought that we were when I saw--”
“ You are returning to the countryside,” Dorian finished, and Leah felt as if someone had just pulled out the rug from underneath her. She stared at him, her eyes wide.
“I beg your pardon?” she murmured.
“You are returning to my country estate,” Dorian said, his face still blanker than it ought to be for such a shocking statement. “I will be staying here in London.”
“But--” Leah felt as if all the strength had left her legs. She melted down onto the chair opposite him. “Why would you send me back all by myself?”
And then she realized it: it was the reason she had feared . He was embarrassed by her. And instead of making them both leave town, he was simply sending her away. Why would he leave himself, when he could get rid of the problem and stay himself? Her stomach churned, and she felt as if she might be sick.
Was I really that bad?
“We cannot live together,” Dorian said. “That is what I said from the start. We are to live our separate lives, and that begins by returning you to the country, where you will be safer.”
“Safer?” she stared at him, aghast. “You mean from Lord Dubois? What can he do to me? I am married to a man that outranks him!”
“I still do not trust him. And it felt plain to me yesterday that he will try to enact some kind of revenge.”
Leah couldn’t believe what she was hearing. It made no sense. “And why would sending me to the country make me safer?” she whispered. “You are here in London. You being around me will keep me much safer!”
“You will be safe in the countryside. My estate agent is very good, he will ensure that nothing happens to you.”
“But--”
“Things will be better this way. You will be able to start your own life.”
“But my family is here!” s he cried. “If I am to stay alone somewhere, I would rather stay in town, where I can be near them. Please, don’t send me away to be by myself.” Leah’s eyes filled with tears, to her consternation. She didn’t want to cry in front of him. “It is so lonely in the countryside, I beg you, don’t make me stay there by myself.”
“You can invite your sisters to stay,” Dorian said carelessly, waving a hand. “Then you won’t be so alone. But there is business I need to take care of in town, which means I need to be here. Perhaps in a few months we can switch places.”
“A few months…” Leah felt dizzy. She was being sent away for months? A quarter of a year might go by before she saw her husband again. But what about their dance last night? The closeness? Had that all been an act? Or was it his way of giving her something nice before he sent her away?
“Please don’t do this,” she whispered. “If this isn’t a punishment, then I beg you, don’t do this.”
“A punishment?” His eyebrows went up. “What would I be punishing you for?”
Leah swallowed uncertainly. “For being such a disgraceful duchess last night. I know that I behaved badly, that I didn’t use the proper forms of address, that I was not the perfect picture of poised and remote, elegant grace. But I am just learning. I can take lessons! I will get better.” The tears were threatening to cascade down her cheeks, and she had to breathe in deeply to hold them in.
“Is that why you’re sending me away?” she murmured. “Because you are embarrassed by me?”
Dorian’s jaw tightened, and the look he gave her was so close to a glare that she felt herself recoil. For a long moment, silence reigned between them. Then Dorian said, in a low, angry voice, “Yes. That is the reason I’m sending you away.”
It cost Dorian more than he would ever be able to say to utter those words. Nothing in his life had ever been further from the truth, but he knew, with every fiber of his being, that he had to say them. Leah had to go away. She couldn’t stay here. And if this is what it took for him to send her away, then so be it.
Still, the cost was his very soul. Because as he watched her face crumple, he knew that he had just done the worst thing he’d ever done--and that was saying something, considering how he had failed Liliana.
Because this he had done deliberately: he had deliberately ruined a young woman’s confidence, and made her feel as if she had failed him, simply because he was too weak to be around her; because he had to push her away, otherwise he was going to take her in his arms and never let her go.
Leah’s lips began to tremble, and the tears, which he had seen building for the last minute, began to fall down her cheeks. He forced himself to look away, unable to make eye contact with her. Instead, his eyes fell on the portrait of his father. It seemed to him, as he stared up at it, that his father was no longer smirking, but actually laughing with glee.
You won, he thought bitterly. You have truly ruined my life.
When he looked back at Leah, she was no longer crying. Instead, she had begun to shake, and when she looked up at him, there was a dullness to her eyes that scared him.
“I shall g-go away then,” she muttered, looking down at her hands. A subtle shake in her voice hinted at repressed tears. “I am s-sorry that I embarrassed you so deeply. I promise to study in the country and make you proud. Of course you should not have to spend time with me when I embarrass you.”
Very slowly, Leah stood up. She was still shaking, and he was worried that if she tried to walk, she would fall. Once more, her eyes met his. It was difficult for him to maintain eye contact, when every ounce of him was so ashamed for how he was treating her. And as he looked into her eyes, so clear and so green, something inside of him seemed to break.
“Don’t go,” he whispered. She froze, her eyes wide as if in fear, staring down at him. “Don’t go,” he repeated, and then he was on his feet and cutting around the side of his desk. He stood right in front of her, and his hands were on her shoulders, on her arms. “Don’t leave like this.”
“But--”
“Of course I’m not embarrassed by you,” he murmured. “How could anyone ever be embarrassed by you?”
“Because I don’t know how to be a duchess,” she said, as if this were very obvious. “I have never known how to fit in with the ton , how to be proper and perfect, and now you have discovered it.”
“What did I tell you, all those months ago?” he murmured, looking deeply into her eyes. “Women like you are not meant to fit in. They are meant to stand out.”
“But you are sending me away!” She cried, pounding her fist against his chest. “Why are you doing that if you are not ashamed of me?”
“Because--” Dorian tried to force the words out, but they wouldn’t come. “Because--”
He couldn’t speak. The words were too dangerous, too scary. All he could do was show her. And so he did. He kissed her.
This second kiss, he realized, as he wrapped his arms around her, was so different from the first. The first time, she had surprised him. And while it had been a good kiss, even bordering on passionate, the passion had been born from its illicitness. This time, the passion came from the fact that this was his wife, the woman who had captured his heart, and that he would do anything--even die--to keep her safe. He couldn’t say any of that, the words failed him, and so he tried to tell her all of it in his kiss.
It started slowly, his lips soft on hers, moving gently, his hands softening on her arms and moving to her neck. And then it became deeper, stronger, and his hand was on her lower back, the other on her neck, drawing her in closer so that he could kiss her even more deeply; so that he could show her how much he longed for her; how much she was his.
She let out a soft moan as he pulled her in tighter, and it drove him wild. His hand was caught up in her hair now, pulling out the pins that kept it in place. He didn’t care if it made her look disheveled. H e wanted her to look disheveled. He wanted everyone who saw her to know that she was his wife, and that he and he alone was allowed to kiss her, to make her moan like that.
At last, they broke apart. Leah’s face was flushed, and she had a dazed expression that made him want to laugh. Her eyes, however, were sparkling, and when he smiled down at her, she smiled back at him, tentative but sweet.
“I’m not trying to punish you,” he murmured, letting his hand come to her jaw and cup it. “I’m trying to punish myself, not you.”
“Yourself?” she breathed. “Why?”
“Because I’m sick with jealousy every time a man even speaks to you,” he said, laughing with surprise at his own confession. “I couldn’t bear it at the ball when Lord Eaton tried to dance with you.”
“ That’s why you stopped him from dancing with me?” she gaped at him.
“Of course that’s why,” Dorian said, smiling broadly. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, stop dreaming about you… Whenever you’re in danger I feel as if I am going mad. Like I would do anything to protect you, to keep you safe. When you went in the river, and I thought you were drowning yourself, I cannot tell you the torment I felt. Or when Lord Dubois spoke to us yesterday…” He sighed. “I have felt, every time you were in danger, that I was losing my mind.”
She was beaming up at him, her smile so radiant that he felt as if he were staring into the sun.
“I feel the same way about you,” she whispered. “Well, not so much afraid that you are in danger, but I also cannot stop thinking about you. I dream about you every night. You are my everything, Dorian. My best friend and now my husband, and there is nothing that I want more than a life with you.”
She reached out her own hand and touched his cheek. “You don’t have to hold back from me anymore, Dorian. We can be happy together. We can have a real marriage.” She laughed giddily, as if she couldn’t quite believe her own words. “I know you’ve kept yourself from happiness all these years, but you don’t have to anymore. Our life can be full of all the children and all the joy that we deserve.” Her eyes were filled with intensity as they gazed deeply into his. “Don’t pull away from me, Dorian. Tell me you want it, too.”