Chapter 15
KNOX
I know I initiated this scholarship as an excuse to get some time alone with Sloane, but seeing the school in person filled something inside of me I didn’t know was missing.
You could tell the moment we crossed over the invisible line between privilege and poverty.
The ride became bumpy as potholes became more numerous.
Buildings looked abandoned, and there were few businesses.
There were more lots filled with weeds than anything else.
Then we got onto the campus, and a feeling of hope and renewal hung in the air.
It’s hard to judge from such a quick meeting, but the students seemed more focused and serious than the four of us were when we were in college.
It’s like they know what is on the line.
I’ve never had to wonder where my next meal would come from, how I was going to pay a bill, or even keep a roof over my head.
These students bustle from one class to the next with obvious determination.
I realize it’s the same look that Sloane has when she’s working.
She throws her all in everything she does, because not doing so could mean the ruin of her family.
And I used that fear to get her into my bed.
I’m a bigger asshole than I realized. Not because something has changed in what I did, but now I understand a bit better how desperate she was when this began.
And yet, I can’t bring myself to regret what I did enough to say I wouldn’t do everything the exact same way, because if I hadn’t, then she wouldn’t be anything more to me than a publicist I’d have for a few months then forget about.
We don’t spend long at the school. Just enough time to take a tour, and meet with the president of the college to sign the check and take some pictures.
The whole thing takes about an hour. There’s only a few reporters that are there, and one of them is from the school newspaper.
It doesn’t really matter that it won’t make a big splash.
I know the others think that I’m doing this to fix my reputation, but Sloane and I know the real reason. Well, and Asher too.
Back in the limo she starts to yawn. If we were alone I’d wrap my arm around her shoulders and tuck her into my side.
The school is only about twenty minutes away from St. Louis, and the traffic isn’t bad at this time of the day.
We’ll be back at the hotel and surrounded by people much sooner than I’m ready.
Then we’ll have to sit apart on the plane on our way to Chicago.
She only lasts a couple of minutes in the car before she slumps against me anyway.
No way will I push her off. These three are my best friends in the world.
I guess if they figure it out, then I will deal with it.
Since Asher caught us last night it’s really only a matter of time before he lets something slip to Weston.
I wrap my arms around her and stroke her hair.
She sighs against my chest, and wraps her arm around my middle.
My baby girl is a cuddler, something I learned during our mini break.
I’d love nothing more than to wrap myself around her and get a few more hours sleep myself.
I know she thinks I only wanted her in my bed last night so I could fuck her, but the truth is I sleep better with her next to me.
I exhale a shaky breath. This thing with her is getting away from me, and it scares the shit out of me, but I’m not sure I can stop it.
I don’t think I want to stop it. The thoughts of what happened with Madison haven’t left me yet, but maybe if I can keep control over what is going on with Sloane then I can stop anything like that from ever happening again.
While I’m lost in my head thinking my jealous, obsessive thoughts about how I want to own Sloane, the guys are staring at me with a mixture of confusion and amusement. I feel a little bit of judgment, but with Jude in the car that would have been present no matter what.
“When did this start?” Weston says, jerking his chin toward Sloane.
I don’t look up at him. “From the beginning, but it’s different now.”
“Sawyer is going to pitch a fit,” he says. “You know what the rule is.”
“The rule that only seems to apply to the four of us? Yeah, I’m aware,” I reply.
I’m pretty sure that the previous physician’s assistant that worked with Dr. Frost had dated one of the rookies last year. No one said shit.
“We all know that the rule was only created to keep us away from Sawyer,” West begins.
“Like any of us thought about dating a seventeen year old when we were in our twenties,” Jude grumbles.
“Not to mention she’d probably rip our head off during sex and consume our corpse,” West adds, complete with a dramatic shudder.
“She’s not a fucking praying mantis, asshole,” I snap. Yeah, she cockblocked me big time last night, but she’s still one of our best friends.
There’s some bad blood between her and Weston, and I’m not sure we’ll ever hear from either of them what caused it.
He shrugs dismissively. “Whatever you say, Knox. She’s going to have your balls if she finds out you two are screwing.”
I growl. It’s one thing for me to be crude when I talk to her, but I won’t let anyone say anything to her that would embarrass her. “Don’t say it like that. We’re not just screwing.”
Large gray eyes blink up at me. “Knox?”
“Hey, babygirl. You can sleep for a few more minutes,” I tell her.
She bites the corner of her lip, and I know she heard what I said to West. I kiss the top of her head before she can give voice to the thought bubbles I can practically see floating above her head. “We’ll talk when we get a chance to be alone.”
It’s time I drop the pretense that I can keep her at arm’s length.
There has to be a way that I can be with her the way I long to be, and also feel like I’m not falling into a bottomless pit.
Loving someone is like free falling. It’s exhilarating and terrifying in equal measure.
I’ve been in love before, but I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this out of control.
“When will that be?” she asks softly.
I look to my friends. “Any help here?”
Asher and Weston share another look. Those two are spending way too much time together. Asher looks at me, and says, “I’ve got an idea.”
“Will I hate it?” I ask him.
“I guess we’ll just have to wait and find out,” he says.
We pull up to the hotel a few minutes later, and Coach Henry rushes us to our rooms to get our shit together.
The entire organization is moving around like a machine getting the bus packed up to take us to the airport.
We could drive to Chicago from here, but they would rather we have a few more hours to sleep in a bed tonight rather than spend an entire day on the bus.
We also have a practice this afternoon to get ready for the game tomorrow against the Jackals.
At the airport I see Asher pull Gerry aside in the private lounge they put us in to wait for our private plane to be ready to board. I don’t think I’m being paranoid when I say they’re definitely talking about me. Not since at one point Gerry gives me a disappointed look and shakes his head.
He paces back and forth for a while, then seems to make a decision. He walks over to Sloane where she’s sitting with Sawyer, Kendall, and Delaney. Whatever he says seems to set Sawyer off. She gives me a look she usually reserves for West.
Sloane’s lips quirk as she’s trying to keep from laughing at whatever is going on with them.
It’s the only thing that gives me hope that they aren’t somehow warning her to stay away from me, or doing something else to keep us apart.
Not that it would work very well to make sure that my publicist can’t talk to me.
Sloane answers Gerry, and he seems resigned to whatever they’ve decided. It won’t be long until I hear the verdict though, considering he’s making a beeline straight for me.
He’s shaking his head in disappointment as he crosses the room to where I’m sitting with the guys. When he’s right in front of us he gives Asher a tight smile.
“Normally I’d ask you if you’d like to speak alone, but there’s nothing the four of you don’t tell each other anyway,” Gerry begins.
“You’d be surprised,” Jude grumbles. Gerry tunes him out, like most of us do anymore. He’s always muttering something negative under his breath.
“Asher told me that you got into a fight last night. They all tried to watch you, but he feels like you’re beyond them now. I know that you’ve been struggling son, and maybe we need to talk to Dr. Frost about the pain management if that is becoming a problem.”
The guys’ heads snap my way, and I clench my fists. Through my teeth I say, “I’m not abusing the meds. I only use them when the doc gives them to me, and only as directed.” It’s a lie, but I’ve done a lot better about it since Sloane has been around.
“You got into a fight last night with a rival player. I hate to put this on her shoulders, but it seems like you are at least willing to listen to Sloane,” he continues as if he didn’t just announce to my friends that I’m abusing painkillers.
“What are you saying?” I ask.
“I want you to cover the difference between the single hotel room I get you and a suite with two rooms. Consider it an unofficial fine for being a pain in my ass. It’s a lot cheaper than you’ll get if you keep letting your temper guide you and get fined by the league for fighting other players.
It’s also a lot cheaper than losing the endorsements you have left after that shit show with your ex,” he says.
“And I’m covering two rooms because?” I let the question hang between us.
“Sloane has agreed to stay with you and be your babysitter. Don’t make me regret this. She said that you guys have some charity ideas you are kicking around and it would give you time to work them out, so she’s actually okay with this,” he explains.
Done managing me, Gerry heads off to deal with who knows what else.
“You’re welcome,” Ash says smugly.
I glare at him. “You couldn’t have come up with something that doesn’t make me sound like a fuck up?”
“Use what you’ve got, is my motto. You did get into a fight last night, and you didn’t before when Sloane was with you,” he dismisses.
Jude leans forward, a serious look on his face. “I want to talk about you using painkillers. How long have you been taking them?”
I scratch my head, not wanting to tell them. The truth is, even I’m concerned with how many I was taking. But that was before Sloane. Not that that makes it any better. If I were really using them to manage the pain of my shoulder I wouldn’t be using less just because she is around.
“Since the summer. My shoulder is fucked, and I’m just trying to get through this season,” I finally admit.
He shakes his head. “They aren’t good for long-term pain management. I know people do it, but they’re too addictive for that shit.”
“You took them after your accident,” I remind him.
Totally the wrong thing to do. We never mention the accident that killed his girlfriend and left him a single dad to his nineteen-year-old daughter, Neve.
He leans forward, and drops his voice. “Yeah, I did, and I scared the fuck out of myself before I stopped taking them. I didn’t get addicted, but it was way too easy to let myself get lost in the oblivion they provide.
You aren’t just in physical pain, and that makes them extra dangerous.
You need to figure that shit out before you end up another asshole celebrity in rehab. ”
I nod my head once. If Jude is willing to string together that many words at once to someone that isn’t his daughter, then I need to listen.
Asher might just have saved me from myself while trying to help me. The asshole is probably aware of it too. There’s very little that my friends miss. Except apparently that I’ve been fighting pain to stay in the game.
“How bad is it?” West asks me.
“My shoulder?” I ask. When he nods, I answer him. “Pretty bad, man. My tendons and ligaments are starting to tear. My rotator cuff is fucked, and the only real way to get rid of the pain is to have the surgery to fix it. You know what that means.”
“Fuck,” he breathes out.
I nod. “Yup. That will be the end of my career. I just want this last season. I will be more careful with the meds. I’ll admit that I’m using them every time I’m getting on the ice. I’ll try harder to white knuckle my way through the pain, or I don’t know look at alternatives.”
West slaps my knee. “We’ll help. Now that we know we can give you more support on the ice. Jude is all connected to his spirit or whatever, so maybe he can find some hippie shit you can do.”
Jude rolls his eyes. “I’ve got an acupuncturist back in Portland.”
West points at him like Jude just proved his point. “See, he’s got that covered.”
Sloane catches my eye from across the room and gives me a slight smile. She’s the only high I need. As long as I have her, I’ll figure out the rest.