Chapter 20
SLOANE
The moment the plane took off I felt like I could finally take a deep breath. Being away from home and all of my responsibilities stressed me out more than I thought it would. I thought I’d feel free, but the weight of what I’d carried for years didn’t disappear with the distance.
I had been worried about Xander even though the nanny Knox hired was the best in the business.
We talked every night, but it wasn’t the same as being there every day.
Over the last seven years I stopped being his older sister and became his mother.
I don’t think it’s what our mom meant when she asked me to look out for him, but I doubt she expected my dad to become a shell of the man she married either.
Try as I might, I still worry about him too.
He’s a grown man, and shouldn’t need his barely adult daughter looking after him, but it’s become as much of a habit to take care of him as it has been to care for Xander.
Only, I fear that, unlike with Xander, taking care of my dad is actually hurting him.
I’ve let him wallow so long, I don’t think he remembers how to live.
That isn’t my fault, but I’m not helping matters by enabling him either.
I’m working on it.
Xander is the one who deserves all of my focus. At least I had both of our parents while growing up, at least until my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Even after she was diagnosed she gave me everything she had.
I watched her waste away physically, yet every day she showed up for me emotionally.
She was the one suffering, and still she focused on my well-being.
On the other hand, my father was the one that vanished before my eyes.
He pulled deeper and deeper inside of himself the sicker she got.
My mother fought hard for four years, having been first diagnosed when she was pregnant with my brother.
While she battled her disease, my father was the one who gave up.
At the time I thought the display of his despair showed how much he loved her, but now I see it for what it was, selfishness.
He couldn’t see past his own pain and grief, and certainly couldn’t be the rock my mother needed at the end.
By the time she passed, he was basically a shell of the man I’d grown up with.
If someone would have told me back then how much more he’d disappear I’d have thought it would be impossible.
Yet, he’s shown me constantly over the last year that a person can be around every day, and still be absent.
There should be no space in my mind for thoughts about my father. God knows he hasn’t spared a moment of brain power for either Xander or me. Still, I can’t completely forget about him. That’s the thing about love, it exists even when it isn’t deserved.
That thought brings me around to my other source of anxiety, the man sitting next to me. Given the way this thing between Knox and I began, there shouldn’t be a tender spot in me for him, let alone the feeling growing I fear is love.
Knox places his hand over mine and squeezes.
I blink, coming back to the present. There’s a tender look on his face, and it throws me for a loop.
It was easier when I knew where we stood.
He wanted sex, and I needed to keep my job.
Except, I can admit, at least to myself, that it was never that simple.
It was just the excuse we told ourselves to give in to an unexplainable desire.
I’d had to focus on my family, and keeping us afloat, leaving no time for me to have any kind of social life, let alone date anyone.
That left me painfully inexperienced at twenty-one.
It wasn’t something to be ashamed of, but I couldn’t help feeling like my life was racing past me without me actually getting to live it.
Then this attractive, older man barrels into my life, shaking it up from the foundation.
I couldn’t admit to wanting him out loud, but I did.
That’s why his softening scares me so much.
The sexual chemistry between us is bearable.
I can compartmentalize it, but it’s not as easy to manage the tenderness growing between us.
With his free hand, Knox cups the side of my face. “Hey, talk to me. What’s going on?”
I can’t find the words to explain what’s going on in my head while I’m struggling to understand it myself.
“You’ll feel better if you get it all off your chest. I know the situation with Sawyer is stressful, but I promise you, it will be okay,” he says.
I shake my head. “I actually haven’t thought about her since we left the hotel.”
“Then what’s bothering you? I hope you know that you can talk to me.”
I take a deep breath. “I was thinking about my dad,” I admit.
He nods, and I can see he’s carefully considering his words.
I’m starting to get to know him now that he’s opening up to me, and I know that his first instinct is to fix it for me.
There’s no easy solution to the hell I’ve endured the last seven years though, and I think he comes to the same conclusion.
Finally he asks, “What can I do to make this better for you?”
The most obvious answer would be to ask him to help me take care of my dad, but as I figured out moments ago, I don’t think that will actually help anyone. Not long-term at least.
“I’m not sure what would be the best. My dad has gotten so used to being taken care of, I have no idea how he’s been doing the last couple of weeks.”
“Just say the word and I’ll send a team over to clean, shop, and prepare some meals. I meant what I said, whatever you need me to do, I will,” he says.
“Is that what you would do if it was your dad?” I ask.
His mouth twists into a slight grimace, and he fights rolling his eyes.
“If it were my dad I wouldn’t give him a box if he were homeless.
But don’t go by me. I’ve spent plenty of years myself catering to my parents’ demands.
The final straw was only recently when they were more worried about what people would think about me breaking up with Madison, rather than how I was dealing with the end of my four year long relationship. ”
I don’t stop myself from rolling my eyes. He doesn’t talk about his parents really, but I know that if they needed him, he’d be there.
“Is there a middle ground between infantilizing a grown man and letting him end up homeless?” I ask.
Knox thinks for a moment, and I’m glad he doesn’t answer immediately. I’d much rather he gives serious thought to this. It means he’s taking my concerns seriously.
“One of my former college teammates became a therapist. When we get home I’ll reach out and see if he can help. I could line up a job. I have enough influence over my family company that I could arrange a position driving a truck to our builds, but from what you’ve said I doubt he’d stick with it.”
He squeezes my hand again when he sees my face fall. “Don’t worry, baby girl, I will take care of you.”
I have to turn my face away so he doesn’t see my eyes fill up with tears.
Few people have seen me cry since my mom’s funeral, and I’d like to keep it that way.
He’s already seen me once, and I’m uncomfortable being vulnerable with anyone.
Usually, I’m pretty good at controlling my emotions, but it’s been a long time since I’ve had anyone promise to take care of me.
I shouldn’t like it, but I do. It feels like a heaviness is lifted off of me.
Despite my efforts to hide my feelings, Knox sees me.
He lets go of my hand, and wraps his arm around my shoulder, pulling me against his side.
Silently, I vow to guard myself against the confusing feelings I’m developing for him, but that can wait for later.
Right now, I’m going to soak up the very rare display of affection.
Xander runs into my arms the moment we enter Knox’s apartment. “Sloane! You’re home. I missed you.”
I ruffle his shaggy mop of dark brown hair. “I missed you too, buddy. Looks like you are needing a haircut.”
He takes a step back, and smooths down his hair. “No way. Ruby said she likes it long.”
“Who’s Ruby?” Knox asks, walking in behind me.
Xander grins, showing off his missing front molar. “She’s my girlfriend.”
“You’re too young for a girlfriend,” I tell him.
Knox shrugs his good shoulder. “I had my first girlfriend at ten, too.”
“Of course you did,” I grumble under my breath. My brother ignores my comment.
“See, she can too be my girlfriend. Knox says so,” Xander shoots back.
This earns me a chuckle from Knox, and a wink. Seeing him so relaxed, even under the pain I know he’s still feeling, if avoiding even moving his shoulder is any indication, is surreal.
Xander starts to fidget. “Now that you’re back, does that mean that we have to go back home?”
“Do you want to go home?” I ask. I don’t want to assume that he doesn’t miss Dad. Just because it doesn’t seem to me like they have a strong bond, doesn’t mean that Xander doesn’t love him.
My brother looks down at his shoes. “Am I bad if I say that I don’t? I’m worried about Dad though. Should we go check on him?”
He looks up at me when he asks his question, and I can see conflict in his eyes that no ten year old should be experiencing. I pull him into my arms and kiss the top of his head. “What do I always tell you?”
“That I should leave grown-up worries to the grown-ups,” he parrots.
“That’s right, my love. I’ll go check on dad. How about you stay here with Knox and have that rematch you’ve been promising him?”
“You shouldn’t go alone,” Knox says.
I give him a confident smile I don’t feel. “It’s nothing new. I’ve done everything alone for years.”
He shakes his head. “Not anymore.”
“Hey, buddy?” he addresses Xander.
My brother turns and gives him his full attention.
“I’m going to go with your sister. Will you be okay with Mrs. Aguilar for a while longer?”
Then to Carmela he says, “Can you stay later? I promise you’ll be compensated.”