Chapter 24
SLOANE
I brush my brother’s hair back from his face. “You need a haircut, little buddy.”
He shakes his head, knocking my hand out of his hair. “I want to grow it out like Knox’s.”
“Okay,” I agree. “If that’s what you want, it’s your hair.”
“How long are you going to be gone?” Xander asks quietly and starts playing with the edge of his blanket.
“A little more than a week. Nine days to be exact. Are you going to be okay with Mrs. Aguilar staying here to take care of you?” I feel bad leaving him behind so much.
“I like it better when you’re here, but she’s pretty nice. She makes cookies with me.”
I can tell there’s something else on his mind, something he’s avoiding. We Corderos are great at shoving our feelings deep down inside and ignoring what is bothering us.
“Is that all you wanted to talk to me about?” I ask, sitting down on the end of his bed so he doesn’t think I’m in a hurry to leave. I am, but if he needs to talk, I will always put him first.
He starts to twist his blanket, actively avoiding catching my eyes. “Is Knox sick like Momma was?”
Xander was only three when our mom died, so I figured he didn’t remember much about her. I think it might be worse if all he remembers is her being sick. As the horror of that thought starts to wane, the rest of what he said starts to sink in.
“Why do you think Knox is sick?”
He starts to fidget even more. I don’t know if he feels how heavy what he’s about to say is, but suddenly I feel like the weight of the world is pressing down on me.
“I remember Momma had orange bottles of medicine like the ones that Knox keeps in his bag. Is he sick too?” There’s fear in his eyes as he looks to me to tell him his world isn’t about to fall apart again.
I wish I could tell him that he isn’t going to lose Knox. It’s true, he’s not going to lose him the way we lost our mother, but if my suspicion is correct, Knox isn’t someone we can keep around. I won’t let my brother be let down by another man. Especially, someone I brought into his life.
None of this is stuff I need to burden my baby brother with. So instead I give him all the peace I can right now without outright lying to him. “You know that Knox plays hockey for his job, right?”
Xander nods, and finally braves looking up at me. I can see the hope in his eyes.
“Well, sometimes athletes get hurt when they’re playing, and it is hard for them to get better since they still are supposed to play.”
“The medicine he takes is because his shoulder hurts?” he checks to make sure.
It’s my turn to nod. It’s not a lie. I’ve seen the pain on his face. I know he needs to do something, but as hard as Knox tries to hide it, I can tell he’s taking more and more of the meds. Maybe more than he needs, but how exactly am I supposed to know what amount he is supposed to take?
I wish I’d have slowed things down in the beginning. Not that he gave me a choice, but now I’m in over my head. Walking away from him might kill me, but I will have to if he’s abusing his painkillers. No matter what I want, what my heart wants, the most important thing is what my brother needs.
Leaning over, I kiss him on the top of his head. “I’m sorry I have to be gone again. I promise everything is going to be okay, no matter what. You believe me, right?”
“Of course. Promise to call me every day?”
“I promise, buddy. Be good for Mrs. Aguilar, and I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Knox is waiting for me by the door. “Is he okay?”
I nod, still too emotional to get any words through my thick throat.
“Are you sure, because you seem bothered. I don’t want to drag you away from him if it isn’t the right thing. I spent enough time growing up with nannies to know how hard it can be.”
I take a deep breath. “He thinks you’re sick like our mom was. He’s worried about you.”
Knox’s mouth falls open. “I didn’t think about how my injury would affect him, or you. That was insensitive of me. I’m sorry.”
“You couldn’t have known. Even I didn’t think of it. I think the trigger was the medicine. I didn’t think he remembered anything about our mom, and I’m heartbroken to find out that he only seems to remember her at the end.”
He runs his good hand through his hair, mussing up the thick waves. “I know I’ve been pushing my rehab too hard, and relying too much on the painkillers because of it. I promise, I’ve got it under control.”
I want to believe him. It isn’t like he’s been stumbling around high out of his mind. There have been a few times he’s seemed a little fuzzy maybe, but not difficult to understand considering how hard he’s been pushing himself. It’s my own trauma making me see this in a negative light.
“We should get going before Coach Henry has a coronary because we’re late,” I say, changing the subject.
Patrick is waiting for us in front of the building. Despite my protests, Knox insisted on carrying both of our bags down to the car along with his gear bag. Ultimately, I bit my tongue, because he’s going to do much worse to his shoulder tomorrow in the game.
We’re the last two on the bus. As soon as they see Knox climb aboard everyone cheers. He reaches back for me, but I take a step back and subtly shake my head. For the last week we’ve barely been apart, and now we have to go back to pretending to be less than what we are.
Kendall squeals when I get close to her seat. “I feel like it’s been forever!”
“It’s been a week, Ken,” I tease her.
She looks toward the back of the bus where the starting line sits. There’s a look of longing on her face, but she quickly wipes it away. “A lot has happened in a week. Come sit by me and I’ll fill you in.”
I sit down and half listen to her go on about how she’s over Dante Moreau, the Titan’s left winger.
Sawyer and Weston have been at each other’s throats.
I miss the reason why, although I’ve seen some of it for myself already.
And finally, she describes how the whole team has been in the dumps after their recent losing streak.
The entire time she’s talking I feel a tickle of awareness that I’m being watched. I try to slyly look over my shoulder, and see Knox’s eyes focused on me. I’m not as covert as I’d like though, because Sawyer notices the exchange between Knox and I.
Kendall bumps her shoulder against mine. “Don’t mind her. She’s just suffering from a serious case of blue bean.”
I choke on my spit. “I’m sorry, what?”
She shrugs one shoulder, and leans closer to whisper in my ear. “Weston has been clam jamming our girl. Every time the team has gone out, someone inevitably hits on her, because—”
“She’s hot,” I supply.
Kendall nods. “Exactly. Hell, West should understand, he hits on everything with tits, and yet he loses his shit when any man notices Sawyer. Why wouldn’t they? She looks like one of those classic pinup girls with her curves and long auburn hair.”
“It is odd, do you think there was something going on between them before?” I ask.
“I have no idea. She’s always been weird around him, either cold or pissed off. I think she had a crush on him when she just started college, but something soured that before her freshman year even ended. Anyway, they’re acting weirder than ever all of a sudden.”
I exhale. “That’s a lot for just one week.”
She leans her head back against the headrest. “I swear this team could have its own soap opera. What I really want to know is how did your week go with our center? Does he live up to the nickname, Hard Knox?”
I roll my eyes at her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Her head tips to the side and she gives me a skeptical look. “Maybe try to sell that without the blushing. But don’t worry, I won’t keep pushing, and I won’t tell anyone either.”
Seattle is a three hour drive from Portland, a bit extra if traffic is bad, but considering the game isn’t until tonight, we have plenty of time to feed the guys and make it to the arena in time for them to warm up before the game. Then we’re back on the bus heading to Vancouver, Canada.
This trip is going to be more brutal than the last in terms of travel. We’ll be on the bus or a plane more than we’ll be stopping at hotels. Of course there will be time to rest, but there won’t be much time for anything besides hockey, sleep, and travel for the next week.
I’m more than a little worried, because I know that Knox is going to push himself harder to try and convince everyone that he’s back to normal. He’s not, but I don’t know if anyone besides me knows this. I don’t even think Knox has accepted that he’s got limitations.
At the start of the third period our bench is going wild, while the Seattle Sirens fans are losing their shit, but that is probably because their five game winning streak looks to be coming to an end as the Titans lead four to one.
Knox has scored two of the goals, and the way he’s playing tonight it looks like he might end the night with a hat trick.
The Sirens see this too and are going extra hard against him.
While the Titans bench and support staff are all cheering their heads off, I’m holding my breath.
Anything could go wrong. He could get checked too hard, or hell he could just swing the stick in a way that angers his shoulder.
There are so many ways he could end up back on Dr. Frost’s exam table.
Knox wins the face-off and shoots the puck out to West. Dante flies down the ice and intercepts a pass from West while Knox gets into position.
Despite the fact the Seattle defense sees the play the Titans are setting up, they’re too busy trying to stop West and Dante to get into position to guard Knox.
Fighting past the defensemen, Dante manages to keep control of the puck and shoot it over to Knox who slaps it into the top right corner of the net past one of the best goalies in the league. He lifts his stick in celebration while the lights flash and the horn plays over the speakers.
Everyone is hopping around high-fiving or hugging to notice the stiff way he lowers his stick, or how he rolls his shoulder a few times once his arm is down. He skates to the bench and the second-string center, Grady Carver, gets into the game.
Carver hasn’t managed to fill Knox’s skates during the time that he was back in Portland recovering.
The promise he showed when they drafted him out of college has not manifested.
He has the talent, but it appears he doesn’t have the disposition to hold up under the pressure.
Luckily, the team doesn’t fall apart the moment Knox steps off the ice the way they did while he was sent home to rehab his shoulder.
I wish Knox knew that his value to the team is more than his talents on the ice.
He’s the glue that holds everyone together.
They play better when he’s with them, whether or not he’s on the ice.
Maybe if he saw that he’d understand that he doesn’t have to destroy himself to earn their respect, because he’s already got it.
The clock runs down without either team scoring another goal.
There’s no time for celebrating because we’ve still got over a three hour drive to the hotel in Vancouver.
While the guys head to the locker room, Kendall and I head to the bus.
Delaney has work to do with Dr. Frost, probably on Knox’s shoulder, so she’ll join us after.
We are halfway to the bus when Sawyer catches up to us. “Hey, wait up, please,” she shouts.
I suppress a groan. I like her, well maybe liked is a better word, but that was before she started acting like she was my babysitter. Still, I stop heading for the bus.
What I really feel bad about is putting Kendall in the middle. If Sawyer says something about my relationship with Knox, I don’t know that I’ll be able to hold back. My friendship with Ken is new, so I don’t expect her to turn against her cousin.
I’m already feeling insecure about where Knox and I are at.
Not because I am unsure how he feels. He hasn’t come out and said that he loves me, and believe me, I’ve noticed that, but I can’t deny that his actions have stated how he feels for weeks now.
I’m insecure because I don’t know if that is enough.
His mother is against us, we’re not allowed to be together technically because of team rules, and his usage of painkillers is a concern.
Sawyer catches up to us while we wait for her. Kendall watches both of us with a wary expression. I don’t know what Sawyer wants to say, but I’m going to try to keep an open mind.
“I just wanted to say I’m sorry for the things I said the last time we spoke. I’ve realized my issues aren’t about you and Knox, but something else. I know that you’re an adult, and I respect you. I know my previous actions don’t show it, but I’m going to try to do better.”
“Thank you for saying that,” I say. “I do want us to be friends, but only if you can respect my boundaries.”
She nods. “I can do that. I’ve been thinking about how I’d feel if you pushed me about things I know you’ve been curious about.”
“You mean about how you bicker with Weston more than anyone else, and it seems like there’s a really interesting history there?” Kendall supplies.
Sawyer gives her a glare. “Yeah, exactly like that. Thanks for not intruding,” she replies sarcastically.
Kendall isn’t bothered by the hint of irritation in her cousin’s voice. “Anytime.”
“Ken makes a good point though. We all have things that we don’t want to share with others.
To be frank, the no fraternization policy is stupid.
We are all always together, and as long as it doesn’t break any laws, or ruin any families, I don’t think the organization should be allowed to intrude in our personal lives.
That includes whatever it is you would rather not speak about,” I say.
Sawyer bobs her head again. “I can see that. I doubt my father will be willing to make any official changes, but I can at least not be the one to enforce it.”
At least that’s something. It means she’s trying.
I bob my head toward the bus. “C’mon, why don’t you sit with us.”