Chapter 26
SLOANE
When we land in Toronto the girls drag me down to the hotel bar for a quick meal and drinks.
Well, they have drinks and I stick to cola.
I rarely ever drink, probably because I’ve spent the last seven years watching my dad drink too much.
I don’t understand wanting to let go of control.
The very idea scares the shit out of me.
The only time I can handle letting go is when Knox is in charge of me, but lately he’s barely got a handle on himself.
I smile at the girls and try to keep up with the conversation, but I barely know what we’re talking about.
I can’t stop worrying about what Knox is doing right now.
It’s like the flare-up of an addiction, worrying about someone.
I can’t seem to shake this need I have to throw every part of myself into caring about another person more than I care about myself.
I guess that makes us quite a pair, because I’m starting to see that it’s something Knox and I have in common. Both of us have a habit we can’t seem to shake.
Sawyer shakes my arm to get my attention. “Where did you go just now? Kendall asked if you wanted to go sightseeing tomorrow while the guys were practicing and you stared right through her.”
“I’m sorry, I’m just worried about Knox,” I admit without thinking.
This thing inside of me has been festering, and like a wound, the poison comes spilling out whether I want it to or not.
Kendall and Sawyer exchange a look, then Sawyer leans forward with her arms on the table. “I know I messed up before and you have no reason to confide in me, but I promise you I’ve got my shit sorted. The things I said wasn’t about you, not really, and I won’t let my stuff spew on you again.”
I take a shaky breath. “I don’t know what I can say.”
The cousins exchange another look. I wish I had someone I could communicate with like that.
Someone I could trust to have my back no matter what.
For a minute I thought I might have that with Knox.
It was the way he knew that I needed to let go of the weight on my shoulders and how to relieve me from it, before I even knew.
The problem is that he needed me, and that is my drug of choice, but I am not his.
How am I supposed to tell these two women who have their shit mostly together, that I’m spiraling because my secret boyfriend is becoming addicted to painkillers, and the part that bothers me is that he needs them more than he needs me?
This time Kendall is the one that leans forward so no one overhears. “You can say whatever you need to say. Neither of us will tell a soul. Will we, Sawyer?”
Sawyer nods. “Not a single one.” She crosses her heart and waits for me to speak.
“You know that Dr. Frost has been giving Knox painkillers for his shoulder, right?” I start.
“That’s pretty common,” Sawyer says, without a hint of concern.
“Well, it might be common, but you know what else is? Getting hooked on them,” I snap and immediately regret it.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bite your head off.
I’m worried about him. He’s pushing too hard to be back to his old self, but he’s in pain all the time.
I’m afraid he won’t be able to stop using the pills when he finally steps off the ice, and I’m even more scared that he won’t be able to step off at all before he’s forced to,” I say.
The look on Sawyer’s face is sad. “You’re in love with him.” It’s not a question.
“I tried not to be. I know you think he’s exercising some kind of sick control over me or something, but it’s not like that.
Okay, I’ll be completely honest, maybe it was like that at first. Or at least, I acted like it was, but the reality was that he freed me.
When I’m with him, I feel cared for. It’s not on me to take care of everything.
I can let go. Or at least I could before the pills became the center of his world.
I swear since we’ve come back on the road he’s high all the time.
It isn’t just after the game or practice anymore. ”
“It isn’t your job to look after him,” Sawyer says.
I roll my eyes. “It literally is.”
“His image, yes, but you’re not his caretaker,” she insists.
Kendall reaches across the table and puts her hand on my arm.
“Sawyer is right this time. I have known you were in love with him, possibly before you realized it, but you need to love you more. The thing is while he’s playing you’re always going to be a mistress to the game.
You deserve more than that. At least better than to come in third behind hockey and pills. ”
I pull my arm back and give her a brittle smile. “You’re right. I wish it was that easy to tell myself that and do what I probably need to do, but—”
Sawyer shrugs. “But you love him. Believe me, I know what it’s like to wish you could just stop feeling how you feel because your brain knows what your heart is too stupid to accept.”
She reaches into her purse and pulls out her black card.
“This is on my dad. It’s the least he can do with all the shit we put up with for his boys.
I can see you’re dying to go upstairs and make sure that Knox is fine.
” Then she pushes a key card across the table.
“I put you in the same room. No need for a suite this time. The guys are pretty oblivious and I’m pretty sure my dad already knows. ”
I grab the key. “Thanks. And, count me in for sightseeing tomorrow while they’re at practice.”
My heart stutters the moment I enter the hotel room I’m supposed to share with Knox.
Starting at the entrance there are clothes trailing through the large room.
I nearly trip over one of his shoes before I get the lights on, so I can’t even lie to myself and pretend for a moment that I’ve entered the wrong room by accident.
His socks are tossed haphazardly not far from the shoes.
His pants are hanging on the corner of the television in the sitting room.
As much as I don’t want to, I have to see what is going on for myself.
This is one of those rip the Band-Aid off moments.
If I don’t confront this head on, I might lie to myself and continue to live in this toxic bubble with him.
Following the trail of his clothes, I get close enough to the bathroom to hear the shower running. My hand shakes as I reach for the knob. I’ve put up with too much shit from him, I just can’t do this.
I open the door and the curses I’m ready to unleash die on my tongue. My heart stops for a completely different reason.
Knox is sitting on the floor of the shower wearing only his boxer briefs, his head is tipped down with water running over his head. His chest is moving, but there are no other signs of life from him. I don’t even think about it and step into the shower with him.
I block the spray from hitting him and feel the icy water stab my skin. “Fuck, how long have you been in here?”
He doesn’t answer me, which worries me even more, but before I am able to focus I have to stop the assault of the water on my back. I’m starting to shake uncontrollably and my teeth are already chattering. Reaching blindly behind me I turn off the water.
My hands slip to his chin and I tilt it up so I can look at his face. “Knox, you’re freaking me out.”
His eyes don’t even flutter. I know that I can’t move him on my own. He’s a hulking beast of a man, even if I wasn’t five-four with shoes on and around a hundred and ten pounds I wouldn’t be able to move him by myself.
Desperation drives me to smack his cheek, but he doesn’t react. “Knox, c’mon. Don’t do this to me.”
I drop back on my butt on the wet floor of the shower.
My hand shakes as I reach outside of the shower where I thankfully dropped my phone before I climbed in.
I didn’t know at the time why Weston insisted I save his phone number, but I think he knew something like this might happen.
I don’t know who else to call, because if Dr. Frost finds Knox like this, his career might be over.
I can’t make that decision without at least seeking help from his best friend first.
The phone rings three times before he answers panting. I don’t want to think about what he’s doing, because I don’t have the time to be embarrassed right now.
“Sloane? Why are you calling me?” he asks.
“I–I can’t wake him up,” I say, my voice trembling.
“Is he breathing?” Weston asks, his voice barely louder than a whisper.
“Yes, but he won’t open his eyes.”
“What’s your room number?” His voice is louder now.
“1814,” I reply.
“I’ll be right there, don’t stop trying to get him to come around,” he says.
The wait is excruciating, even though he’s in the same hotel. I think about turning on the cold water again, but since that is how I found him, I don’t think trying it again will bring different results.
Weston bangs on the door, and I hurry to go let him in. He scans me, taking in my wet dress and dripping hair. His jaw clenches as he follows me to the bathroom.
Knox is still in the same position I left him in a few seconds ago. The only thing keeping me holding on is the steady rise of his chest.
West steps into the shower and hoists Knox over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry. Still, he doesn’t respond. After he puts him on the bed, he looks at me with dread on his face. “Do you know how much he took?”
I shake my head. “I know he’s been taking his painkillers a bit more than he should, but not—” I wave my hand in Knox’s direction, “—this much.”
West grips his hair in his hands and pulls. “Fuck!” he shouts and kicks the desk chair. He turns to face me, and I can see the dread on his face. “I have to call Dr. Frost. He isn’t waking up, we don’t know how much he took, and it’s clear the shower didn’t work. Was that you?”
Another shake of my head. “No, that’s where I found him. The water was already cold when I stepped in. I didn’t really pay attention to the setting when I stepped in, but I think he knew something was wrong and was trying to snap out of it.”
“That’s what I was afraid of.” West paces around, rubbing at the beard he’s growing out, making him look more disheveled than when he first entered.
“Look, as much as I don’t want to call the doc, I’m even less interested in letting my best friend overdose because I’m afraid of what might happen to his career. ”
I swallow, glad he’s able to make the right call. “Do it,” I say in a gravely voice.
I sit with Knox, talking to him in a quiet voice while we wait for the doctor to show up. He still doesn’t respond.
Dr. Frost arrives not long after Weston calls him. Although it feels like he’s been out forever, it’s only been maybe five minutes since I found him to when West called the doctor. I just don’t know how long he was in the shower before I found him.
The doctor gets straight to work when he comes in. He tries talking to him first, and when that doesn’t work, he rubs his knuckles roughly across Knox’s sternum. That gets an immediate reaction, Knox groans, and feebly tries batting his hand away.
Dr. Frost sighs in relief. “Weston, hand me my bag. I’m going to set up an IV.”
It takes him a bit to find the vein, and then there’s some creative maneuvering to hang the bag, but he gets it set up.
“Did he overdose?” Weston asks the question I can’t get myself to ask.
“I’m not sure. It’s clear he’s taken something, but the biggest issue seems to be dehydration and low blood pressure,” Dr. Frost replies.
“Quit talking about me,” Knox speaks for the first time.
“Thank fuck,” Weston exclaims, and drops down into the chair he kicked earlier.
I can feel my entire body start to vibrate, and I know I need to step away to keep them from seeing me lose it.
“I’ll be back,” I say, not sure anyone is listening to me.
There’s nothing in my brain as I hurry out of the room. My eyes sting, but I need to make sure I’m all alone before I let myself crumble.
The thick carpet muffles the sound of my steps as I speed walk down the hallway toward the stairs. I bust through the door, and go down one flight until I’m between floors. I sit down on the bottom step, drop my head into my hands and start to cry.
Not loud sobbing, but the silent kind that shakes your entire body.
The truth is catching up with me. I’m in over my head.
As much as I want to be here for him, to be with him, I’m not sure I can.
This is too much for me. I’m only twenty-one.
I should be hanging out with friends, going to parties, normal stuff.
It’s bad enough I’ve got to take care of my brother, so all of that stuff is beyond me anyway, but I don’t need to add more drama to my shit show of a life by getting more deeply entangled with someone who is only going to break me more.
I’ll wait until I can talk to him, but this time I need to hold firm. It’s time I sort my shit out, and figure out how to make it on my own, without leaning on a man. I’m not sure I can convince myself yet that I deserve it, but my brother sure the hell does. For him I can do what needs to be done.