Chapter 28
SLOANE
The moment the door closes behind Knox my legs give out and I crumble to the floor. There’s so much inside of me that needs to come out. Crying doesn’t seem like the best way to let it go. Screaming would be better. God, I’d love to scream at the tops of my lungs, but I’m afraid I’d never quit.
Life is so fucking unfair. How much more am I expected to shoulder before I catch a break?
Is this enough?
I really need it to be, because I don’t think I can take any more.
I can’t take any more of being treated like an afterthought.
Never anyone’s first priority.
Enough.
I don’t know how to end this pain. I’m not really thinking too far past needing this to stop, for just a minute.
My breathing comes out shallow and fast. Black dots dance in my vision and I press my forehead against the hotel carpet trying to slow it down.
My entire body is shaking, and for the first time fear swells up inside of me.
Not because there may be more moments like the ones I’ve already had.
It’s the fact that there will be more moments at all.
As soon as that thought comes into my mind I feel a terrifying mixture of longing and peace, immediately filled with guilt because I have one reason to continue to hang on, Xander, but I’m not sure it will be enough.
If I’m not enough for everyone else, how can I condemn him to me being the only person he has in his corner?
Scenarios flip through my head at rapid speed.
There are so many ways I could make the world go quiet.
I could go through Knox’s bag and find his stash of painkillers, take apart my razor, fill the tub with water.
The rate these ideas come into my mind scare me, because I’m actually considering them.
The only thing stopping me isn’t that I feel there’s something more out there for me worth living for, it’s that I still care about others more than I care about myself.
It isn’t that I don’t think there’s anyone that loves me.
I know Knox thinks he does, and for that reason alone I can’t do that and leave him to find me.
It feels like being trapped. My fingers dig into the carpet, just needing to hang on to something. I open my mouth, and silently scream. Somehow the absence of sound is louder in my head than if I let it all go.
Not taking any action seems equally as frightening. Where am I going to go? Back to my childhood home where my dad exists like a ghost in the living room in front of the TV? Do I keep living with Knox, knowing I’ll always mean less to him than a game?
So I hold on to this moment because the one that comes after scares me more than continuing to exist in this one.
I don’t know how long I lay there, fingers dug into the pile of carpet. It isn’t like I forgot that I made plans last night to do some sightseeing with the girls, but it seems so unimportant after everything that happened since I came back up to the room.
Apparently the plans weren’t unimportant to the girls. I heard them knocking, but I couldn’t get myself to move. Getting up meant making choices. There weren’t any good choices for me to make, so I held on and kept breathing. That took effort right now, and it’s all I could do.
I should have known my not opening the door wouldn’t stop Sawyer. For once, I’m grateful she’s pushy.
She uses her key card, and lets her and Kendall in. Delaney can’t come with us, because she’s working. The rest of us aren’t needed every time the guys hit the ice. We are expected at the game, but that’s still hours away.
“Sloane?” I hear her ask as soon as she comes in the room. I know I’m worrying them, but it’s taking everything I have to continue to just exist.
Her arms wrap around me and she pulls me against her. For a moment I remember what it felt like when my mom held me like this. It’s enough to burst the dam of emotion. I wrap around her neck and start to cry.
Kendall comes behind me and I’m enveloped between the both of them. She brushes my hair back. “Talk to us, Sloane. What happened?”
I open my mouth, but I can’t tell them that I found Knox passed out in the shower, that I was afraid he was going to die. I can’t tell them that he’s been overusing his prescription pain meds, or that he’s hurt more than he’s letting on. There’s so much I’m keeping inside.
“I can’t. I want to, but I can’t tell secrets that aren’t mine,” I say, sniffling.
“It’s Knox’s injury, isn’t it?” Sawyer asks.
I nod. I won’t go into details, but she helps her dad run the team, so of course she has some idea.
“What do you need right now?” Kendall asks.
“A different life,” I whisper.
Keeping all of this inside is poisoning me. “My brother and I moved in with Knox. I can’t bring him back to live with our dad, but I can’t do this anymore either.”
“You love him,” Sawyer says. There’s no accusation or hint she’s got an ulterior motive.
A tear slides down my face. I’m surprised there’s any moisture left in my body to cry anymore.
“I do, but I don’t think he loves me. He loves hockey, and I’ve spent enough of my life being taken for granted by a man.
It’s killing me, and if I don’t do something soon I will stop fighting and let it. ”
They exchange a look, but I did just admit to wanting to die, so I would have done the same.
“I’ve got a three-bedroom condo back in Portland. It’s way too big for just me, and I would love the company,” Kendall offers.
“Are you sure? If I leave here, I will need to find a job before I can contribute. Everything I have will need to go to my brother,” I say, giving her a chance to change her mind.
Kendall rolls her eyes. “You know I’m rich, right? I’m not worried about money.”
“Besides, I think I can help with that,” Sawyer jumps in.
“I’ve met a lot of other owners of sports teams. My father is friends with Carson Wright, the owner of the Portland Wolves.
I overheard them saying that their QB is looking for a publicist. I think they were trying to poach me from dad, but obviously I’m not looking.
However, I think you should do it. I can make a call and set up an introduction. ”
Good things like this don’t fall into my lap this easily. Look at how this situation with the Titans is turning out. It started out pretty fucked up with Knox manipulating me into bed, but for a little while I got a freedom I’ve never experienced.
I didn’t mean to fall in love with him. Damn asshole had to start opening up to me, made me think I might be important to someone. Turns out it was only an illusion. There will always be something or someone who comes first.
My father couldn’t let go of my mother’s ghost long enough to show up for either Xander or I. At least he was held back by the love of his life. Knox would rather destroy his body and risk an addiction to opioids for a game than consider that he could have a life outside of a sport.
But, it doesn’t matter what he wants, or doesn’t want. It doesn’t matter how bad I’m feeling right now. When I walk out the door today, I’m going to miss him. I’m going to leave no matter what, because I have to do this for me, and for him. I can’t stand by and watch him destroy himself.
Kendall gets up and starts to pack my things, even though almost nothing has been unpacked.
Sawyer stands then helps me to my feet. “You’re not alone anymore, Sloane. Even if you leave the team today, you won’t be alone. I’m going to miss working with you, but I’d rather you be free of whatever has you like this.”
“He’s not a bad guy,” I argue. Not sure why I feel the need to defend him, but I do.
Sawyer gives me a sad smile. “I know he’s not, but right now he’s not good for you.”
Kendall hands me some clothes and my toiletry bag. “Go get changed. We’ll get you out of here before he comes back. It’ll be easier that way.”
I nod, and try not to think about last night when I take a quick shower. When I’m dressed and mostly put together—nothing is going to hide the puffiness from all the crying I’ve done—I find them waiting for me at the door.
“C’mon, I’ll call a car and get you to the airport,” Sawyer says.
“Don’t worry about anything. I’ll talk to my dad, and I hope you aren’t pissed, but I already made a phone call to your advisor at the college.
She agreed that with all the extra work you’ve done for the team you’ve met the requirements for your program.
So, congrats, you’re a college graduate. ”
“Wow,” I say, too stunned to be articulate. “That’s it? I’m done?”
Sawyer smiles. “That’s it. You’re a free agent. You can go where you want, work where you want, do anything you want.”
I try to return her smile. She’s wrong though, I can’t do what I want, because what I want is to rewind the last twenty-four hours and have Knox choose me. Well, choose us by not wrecking his body.
“Can I have a couple minutes? I’ll be right down, I swear,” I ask Sawyer.
“Don’t take too long, the car will be here in ten minutes,” she says, but doesn’t give me any shit. She really has my back now. I am glad if I’m losing the man I have fallen for, I at least get my friend back.
When Kendall and Sawyer leave I sit down at the desk. Pulling open the drawer I find the stationary and pen that every hotel seems to keep in stock. I can’t leave without a goodbye. That’s too cruel, and I don’t hate him. I wish I could.
Knox,
I’ve gone back to Portland. I can’t do this anymore.
I would do anything for you, except stand by while you destroy yourself.
I think I’d even stay knowing I’ll never be as important to you as hockey.
I think I always knew that, but I didn’t realize you’d rather wreck your body than choose another life. Even a life with me.
It’s my fault. You told me you wouldn’t fall for me. I made the classic mistake of letting sex tangle up my emotions. I love you, and that is why I have to go. I want someone to love me back just the same. The way I thought for a little while that you did.
Please take care of yourself. I will have Xander and I out of your apartment before you come back from this road trip. It’ll be like we were never there.
Not that you’ll worry, but everything is settled with my university. I’m a college graduate, and Sawyer has some contacts to help me get a different job.
It seems our end date has arrived. I hope the season turns out the way you are hoping.
I love you, and I’m sorry I couldn’t hold it back.
You’ll be fine though. Your image is fixed.
Has been for a while. I should have told you before now, but I was afraid of you not needing me anymore.
I should have focused more on the fact you needed me more than you wanted me.
Life lesson learned.
Goodbye,
Sloane
I leave the note on top of his suitcase where he’s sure to see it, grab my purse, and walk out of the hotel. I might be walking away from the man I love, but thanks to the two women standing in front of the taxi, I’m not alone. For the first time since I lost my mother I have real friends.
This morning the thought of taking my next breath felt like an insurmountable challenge, and now I know I don’t have to face that challenge alone. That’s not nothing. In fact, a good friend is probably worth everything.