CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Cupping her chin in her hand, Annie rested her elbow on the smooth surface of her worktable and stared out the large window in front of her. She’d spent the morning hours preparing to mail out the last of the packages that were guaranteed delivery by Christmas.
It had been the best Christmas season yet for her little on-line shop, which would mean an even bigger donation to the women’s shelter. But it felt like, personally, it was going to be the worst Christmas that she could remember.
Her heart was well and truly broken, and she didn’t know what to do about it. She’d never had a broken heart before.
Cole was the first man she’d loved. He’d been the first man she’d held hands with. Hugged. Kissed. He’d been so many firsts for her, and she wanted him to be the only man she did those things with.
She didn’t know how to let him go.
Annie knew that he—and her dad—felt that their lives were incompatible. However, she felt like there was a way. That there had to be a way. One that wouldn’t require Cole giving up his career.
It hurt to think that Cole wasn’t willing to fight harder. He seemed to give up so easily. It made her wonder if he hadn’t felt as strongly about her and their relationship as she had. If he hadn’t really cared that much about her after all.
That thought laid another layer of hurt on top of her already bruised and battered heart. She didn’t want to think that she had been the only one invested in their relationship.
She didn’t think she had been, but she couldn’t say with one hundred percent certainty, since she had no idea how men could be with love and relationships.
Part of Annie thought her dad had exaggerated the threat to pressure her into ending things with Cole. She’d considered defying him, seeing what happened if she stayed in the relationship. But the reality was she didn’t want to put Cole in any kind of danger, and she certainly didn’t want him to give up his career.
Not hearing from him since they’d last talked added to her worry that he hadn’t been invested in their relationship the same way she was. Even when he’d been extremely busy, he’d always called or texted to check-in. But since he’d broken things off, she’d heard nothing.
She’d heard from Benji, however. He’d called or stopped by every day since that horrible conversation with Cole. Annie suspected their parents had sent him to check on her. She appreciated his concern, even when he was too persistent.
His care and concern were the only things that had made her feel even remotely better. That and seeing how much money she’d be able to donate to the shelter.
She’d texted Cole to tell him about it being her best month ever, hoping to at least get a response to that.
Maybe he’d respond to that message in a day or two. Or maybe he wouldn’t respond at all.
A soft whine from Nyla drew Annie’s attention from her bleak thoughts. The dog had been aware of her unhappiness and stayed extra close to her since the breakup with Cole.
Annie gave her an ear scratch, then stayed at the table for another few minutes, still holding onto some hope that Cole would surprise her with a call or a text message.
When her phone remained silent, she stood, feeling a little dizzy as she did so. She hadn’t been eating well since the breakup, which Benji had pointed out when he dropped over the previous evening. At least she’d managed to sleep a little more the night before, but only after she’d soaked her pillow with tears.
Annie tightened her ponytail, then went to the coat closet by the back door. She bundled up in her heavy wool coat, slipping her phone into one of the deep pockets.
“Come on, girl,” she said to Nyla, then waited until the dog joined her to open the front door. Annie hoped that a brisk walk would clear her mind, at least temporarily.
Tucking her chin against the cold air, she made her way through the snow, walking along the driveway that circled to the main house.
Her dad had left the previous day along with Elizabeth, but they’d be back in a week for Christmas. There were Christmas parties they needed to be present for in New York.
Annie guessed that was a pro to people not knowing who she was. She didn’t have to go to any of the pretentious events that her parents felt obliged to attend.
After what her one and only event had led to, she wasn’t sure she wanted to attend any more ever again.
When she reached the house, she opened the back door and stepped into the warmth of the house.
“Good afternoon, Annie,” the housekeeper said with a smile.
“Hi, Diana.” Annie went to sit at a bar stool at the island counter. “Is Benji around?”
That was kind of a dumb question. She would have received an alert on her phone if he’d left the property after getting home from school.
“He’s in the theater room,” she said. “He’s having a snack, and I believe he’s chatting with Amelia.”
“Oh. I won’t go bother him then.”
Annie felt lost. Uncertain of what to do. How did a girl move on from a relationship and the man she loved?
“I’m making some fresh bread and soup for dinner,” Diana said. “Will you be joining Benji?”
Annie thought about it for a minute, then said, “I don’t think so. I need to get back and do some more work.”
“Let me send someone with food when it’s ready,” Diana said. “It’s going to be delicious.”
“Of course it’s going to be.” Annie gave her a smile. “You made it.”
Diana chuckled. “Well, I have definitely perfected this recipe since it’s a favorite of yours and Benji’s.”
“I look forward to eating some,” Annie said as she got to her feet.
The distraction she needed hadn’t been found there, and she had a feeling that it wouldn’t be found anywhere. The pain was too much to be easily ignored.
“See you,” Annie said, then called for Nyla.
She was halfway home when her phone rang. Her heart pounded as her hand wrapped around the phone in her pocket.
After another ring, she pulled it out to look at the screen. She felt a strange mix of disappointment and relief. While she wished it was Cole, she was also relieved that it wasn’t.
“Are we watching the game here or there?” Benji asked when she answered.
Annie closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them again, the cold air stung the sudden moisture in her eyes. She’d forgotten that there was a game that night.
She usually followed the schedule religiously, but now, her pain was clouding her mind.
“I’m not sure I’m going to watch the game tonight,” she said, though realistically, she knew she probably would.
She just wasn’t sure if she wanted to have an audience while she watched it.
“C’mon, sis,” Benji protested. “We always watch the games together.”
Annie sighed. “Fine. I guess come to my place then.”
“I’ll bring the food,” Benji said. “See you in a few.”
Annie pocketed her phone and trudged the rest of the way home, Nyla a steady presence at her side. The thought of watching Cole play sent another pang through her heart.
Would it always hurt this much? Would she ever reach a point where seeing him wouldn’t feel like reopening a wound?
Inside her cabin, she shed her coat and boots, then wandered to the living room. The large television seemed to mock her from its place on the wall. How many games had she watched there, texting Cole immediately following a game to congratulate him or offer sympathy after a loss?
She grabbed the remote and turned it on, flipping to the sports channel where pre-game coverage was already underway. There he was—Cole in his warm-up jersey, headphones on as he moved through his pre-game routine. The camera lingered on him longer than the other players, and the commentators discussed his recent performance slump.
“...seems to have lost his edge these last few games,” one analyst was saying. “Halverson’s always been Mr. Consistency, but something’s clearly affecting his game.”
Annie’s throat tightened. Was that because of her? Because of what had happened between them?
A knock at the door startled her, and Nyla barked once before racing to greet Benji. He entered carrying a large insulated bag that had heavenly smells emanating from it.
“I come bearing gifts,” he announced, holding up the bag. His smile faltered when he saw the television. “Pre-game already on, huh?”
Annie nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
Benji set the bag on the coffee table and studied his sister. “You sure you want to do this tonight? I didn’t mean to pressure you.”
“No. I don’t really want to,” Annie admitted. “But I’d probably end up watching, anyway. Might as well have company.”
Benji unpacked containers of steaming soup and fresh bread, arranging them on the table. “You know, it’s okay to be angry with him.”
“I’m not angry,” Annie said, accepting the bowl he handed her. “I’m just... sad.”
“You should be angry. He gave up too easily.”
Annie stirred her soup. “Dad didn’t give him much choice.”
“There’s always a choice.” Benji tore off a chunk of bread. “And Cole seems to have made the wrong one.”
“Maybe he didn’t love me enough,” she whispered.
Benji’s expression softened. “Or maybe he loved you too much to put you at risk. That can still be the wrong choice.”
They ate in silence as the pre-game coverage continued. The camera kept returning to Cole, who looked focused but somehow diminished, when he used to be larger than life whenever he stepped on the court.
“He looks terrible,” Benji observed.
“He looks tired,” Annie corrected. “The road trip must be taking a toll.”
The game began, and Annie found herself leaning forward, watching Cole’s every move. His play was off—not disastrous, but lacking the fluid confidence that usually defined his performance. He hesitated before shots, second-guessed passes, and seemed a step behind defensively.
“He’s definitely not himself,” Benji murmured, wincing as Cole missed another shot.
Annie wrapped her arms around her middle, as if physically holding herself together. “This isn’t just fatigue.”
During a timeout, the camera zoomed in on Cole as he sat on the bench, towel draped over his head. When he looked up, Annie caught a glimpse of his eyes—the same haunted expression she’d seen in her own mirror these past days.
“You think it’s because of... everything?” Benji asked carefully.
“I don’t know,” Annie whispered.
She wanted to believe it was, that their separation was affecting him as deeply as it was affecting her. But that would mean he was suffering, and despite everything, she couldn’t take satisfaction in that.
The second quarter was worse than the first. Cole was benched after a series of mistakes, and the cameras caught the tense exchange between him and the coach. He sat at the end of the bench, staring at the floor, isolated from his teammates.
“This is hard to watch,” Benji said. “Not just the game—but him.”
Annie nodded, unable to tear her eyes away. When halftime arrived, she muted the television as the sportscasters began dissecting Cole’s poor performance.
“Maybe I should call him,” she blurted out.
Benji set down his spoon. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“No. But seeing him like this...” She gestured at the screen where they were showing highlights—or lowlights—of Cole’s first half. “I can’t just do nothing.”
“What would you say?”
Annie shook her head. “I don’t know. That I miss him? That I’m sorry about what happened with Dad? That I still think we could make a relationship work somehow?”
“Is that what you believe? That you could make it work?”
“I have to,” she said softly. “Otherwise, what was any of it for?”
Benji was quiet for a moment. “You know, Julian called me yesterday.”
Annie looked up in surprise. Their older brother rarely called her unless it was a holiday or a birthday. Plus, they’d had a tense conversation the last time he called about her getting in contact with their biological mom. She’d let him know that she wasn’t interested in meeting with her, and that wasn’t going to change. He felt that was wrong, and they’d exchanged some harsh words over her refusal to acquiesce.
“What did he want?” Most of the time, Julian acted like Benji didn’t exist, so it was shocking that he’d called him.
“To check on you, actually. He heard from Dad about what happened.”
“Great. So the whole family knows about my heartbreak.”
“He was worried about you,” Benji insisted. “But he also said something interesting. He said Dad tried the same controlling tactics with him, and that’s why he lives his life so publicly now.”
Annie frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Julian said Dad tried to dictate who he could date, where he could live, what he could do with his life—all in the name of safety and privacy. But Julian refused. He said he wasn’t going to live in fear because of what happened to you and Angelica.”
Annie stared at her brother, absorbing this new information. “He never told me that.”
“I don’t think you and Julian have had a real conversation in years,” Benji pointed out. “I mean, he and I never talk, but even though the two of you do, I don’t think it’s been anything of substance, from what you’ve said.”
Annie couldn’t deny that. She and Benji lived a very different life from Julian, who seemed to be the life of every party he attended. And who had gotten into some sticky situations due to his tendency to drink too much.
“Julian said Dad’s fear is real, but it’s also become an excuse to control us. Especially you.”
Annie’s mind raced with this new perspective. Had her father’s protectiveness morphed into something more insidious over the years? Had she accepted limitations on her life that weren’t actually necessary?
“What are you saying?” she asked, though she already knew.
“I’m saying maybe you shouldn’t give up so easily.” Benji nodded toward the television. “And maybe neither should he.”
The second half of the game was starting. Cole had been put back in, but his movements were mechanical, lacking their usual grace and confidence. Annie unmuted the TV just as he attempted a three-pointer that bounced off the rim.
“But if Dad was right about the threat,” Annie said slowly, “then Cole could be in danger because of me.”
“Or Dad could be exaggerating to get his way,” Benji countered. “When was the last time there was an actual threat?”
“But maybe there have been no threats because of his efforts to keep us safe.”
“Maybe,” Benji conceded with a shrug.
“People don’t know about us, so they don’t know to threaten us,” she reminded him.
“True, but he’s put enough security precautions in place that no one should be able to reach us without one of the team being alerted.”
Annie watched as Cole committed another turnover, frustration evident in the set of his shoulders. “But what if he’s right this time? I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to Cole because of me.”
“What about what’s happening to him now?” Benji gestured at the screen. “Look at him. He’s miserable.”
Annie felt tears prick at her eyes. “What am I supposed to do? Dad won’t change his mind.”
“Maybe you don’t need his permission anymore.” Benji’s voice was gentle but firm. “You’re an adult, Annie. You’ve spent a lot of time fighting for more freedom for me, but at some point, you have to decide if you’re going to fight for that freedom for yourself. Are you going to live your life or Dad’s version of it?”
The words hung between them as they watched the remainder of the game in silence. Cole’s team lost by twelve points, his worst performance of the season. As the final buzzer sounded, the camera caught his expression—hollow, defeated, lost.
Annie stood abruptly. “I need some air.”
Outside on her small porch, the frosty night air bit at her cheeks. Stars glittered overhead, bright and distant against the black canvas of the sky. She drew a deep breath, letting the chill fill her lungs.
God, what should I do? I want to respect my dad, but I also want to be able to live my life without being filled with fear. All he does is fill me with fear these days, and I don’t know how to deal with it.
In the past, the threats her dad had worried about had been abstract. He had been pro-active by keeping her and Benji off the radar of people who might potentially harm them.
Now, however, there was what appeared to be a credible threat. Brought about because she’d ignored his warnings and stepped into the spotlight.
But Benji was right. She’d been living within the boundaries her father had set for so long that she’d stopped questioning them. At least for herself. The kidnapping and fear had shaped her entire existence—or more accurately, her father’s response to it had.
But what if there was another way? What if she could be cautious without being isolated? What if she could have both safety and love?
She didn’t want to be foolish about how she lived her life, but she also didn’t feel like a life lived in fear was God-honoring. Her dad wouldn’t understand that mindset, being that he wasn’t a Christian.
But she was, so she felt like her life needed to reflect that.
Her phone felt heavy in her pocket. She pulled it out, staring at the blank screen. One call could change everything—or nothing at all. Cole might not even want to hear from her. He might have already decided their relationship wasn’t worth the complications.
Annie’s thumb hovered over his contact, but then the door cracked opened, and Benji stuck his head out. “They’re doing the post-game interviews. Cole’s up.”
Annie turned and followed her brother back inside. On the large screen, Cole sat at the press table, his expression carefully neutral despite the defeat.
Of course, the first question a reporter asked was about his recent slump.
“Sometimes the game just doesn’t flow the way you want it to,” Cole answered, his voice flat. “I need to do better for my team.”
“There’s been speculation about off-court distractions,” another reporter pressed. “Any comment on that?”
Something flickered across Cole’s face—pain, Annie thought, before his professional mask returned.
“My job is to play basketball at the highest level,” he said. “Everything else is secondary.”
The words stung, even though Annie knew they weren’t directed at her.
“He doesn’t mean it,” Benji said, reading her expression. “Look at his eyes.”
Annie studied Cole’s face as he fielded more questions. Behind the composed exterior, she could see the strain, the weariness. This wasn’t the confident, vibrant man she’d fallen in love with.
Was this what being with her had reduced him to? Had their relationship robbed him of that vibrancy? That confidence?
Maybe he would have been better off if they’d never met. Then he’d be able to continue to shine the way he always had.
But there was no going back now. And she was determined to find a way to make this work with Cole.
Provided that was what he wanted as well.
When the interview ended, Annie made her decision. She picked up her phone and walked to her bedroom for privacy.
Though she wanted to hear his voice, Annie didn’t call—that felt too intrusive after everything. Instead, she typed a message, deleting and rewriting it several times before settling on:
I miss you. I think we need to talk about finding another way forward—one that doesn’t involve giving up on us. If you’re willing.
It didn’t say even half of what was in her heart right then. However, she couldn’t put everything she wanted to say in a text message, especially if he didn’t want to hear it.
Her finger trembled as it hovered over the send button. Was she being selfish? Would reaching out only make things harder for him?
“Courage, Annie,” she whispered to herself, then tapped to send the text. “Live free of fear.”
The message showed as delivered, then read almost immediately. Annie’s heart pounded as she waited for a response. When none came after several minutes, she set the phone down, trying to quell her disappointment.
Benji appeared in the doorway. “Did you message him?”
She nodded. “He read it but hasn’t responded.”
“He just finished a game,” Benji reminded her. “It might take him a few minutes.”
“Or maybe he doesn’t want to talk to me,” Annie said. “Maybe he just wants to move on.”
Benji shook his head. “I don’t think that’s the case. Just give him time.”
Benji didn’t stick around long after that, but he promised to check in on her later.
Once on her own, she took the time to clean up the remnants of their dinner, then turned the security on for the cabin.
She settled down at the worktable and stared at the cut projects she had waiting to be assembled, trying to find the desire to plunge into some work.
Finally, she picked up a small stack of fabric pieces that would make a little dress when they were all put together. This would be part of her Valentine’s store.
She’d never dreaded the holiday before. But that year, she had a feeling it was just going to be a reminder of what she’d lost if she and Cole couldn’t manage to work things out.
And the longer her phone stayed silent, the further her hopes fell.