Chapter 38
Chapter thirty-eight
Liv
Daphne’s halfway through peeling when my phone buzzes against the counter. I wipe my hands on a towel and glance down.
Subject: Campus Housing – Move-In Information.
My stomach dips. Right. That’s still happening. I’d forgotten.
I should feel relieved. Excited to have my own space again.
But the thought of packing everything up, of leaving the apartment, this version of my life, makes me homesick for something that’s still within my grasp.
I lock the screen and slide the phone face down beside the cutting board. It can wait.
“What’s with you today?” Daphne asks, frowning at me while she preps potatoes, her knife working fast against the cutting board.
My stomach lurches. She knows. She has to know. I’ve never ever been able to keep a secret from my best friend, and right now it feels like I have a thousand ants crawling under my skin keeping this from her.
“Before you say anything,” I blurt, stepping closer to the counter, hands twisting together, “I need to tell you something.”
Her brows pinch.
“I slept with Jay.” The words explode out of me, and then the floodgates open.
“And not just once, which makes it worse, and I know you’re going to freak out, and start planning our wedding, but I swear it wasn’t supposed to happen, except maybe I kind of wanted it to because have you seen him?
And it’s not like we planned it, it just…
kept happening. Specifically last night and this morning…
and almost the morning you guys surprised us.
And I know this is literally the worst timing, and I know that it’s temporary because we’re not living together forever, and you’re probably going to hate me for not admitting you were right, I have a crush, but I didn’t want you to hear it from anyone else, so—”
“Liv.” Daphne’s voice slices through, enough to shut me up.
I clamp my mouth closed, heat rushing to my face. Oh god. I actually just said it. Out loud. “I slept with Jay.”
“I’m getting that.” She sets the knife down and turns to me. “Why are you freaking out?”
“I’m not freaking out, you are.”
She snorts a laugh. “Liv, be real.”
I groan, burying my face in my palms. “I can’t because you’re about to tell me I’m insane or that I’ve made a huge mistake, right?”
“Nope.” She leans a hip against the counter, arms crossing. “I’m about to tell you I’m happy for you. You like him, don’t even try to deny it. I could see it.”
My head snaps up. “I—” The word sticks in my throat.
Her smile crinkles the corners of her eyes. “You’ve been lighter lately. Like you finally remembered you’re allowed to be happy.”
That makes my chest ache in a way that’s both terrifying and kind of wonderful because she’s seen all of my ups and downs. I guess maybe he has reminded me that not everyone is going to hurt me. I hope to hell he doesn’t.
Daphne’s eyes narrow like she can read every thought in my head. “Don’t overcomplicate this, Liv. He’s not that guy. You know that.”
“I don’t know anything,” I mutter into my hands.
The truth is, maybe I just don’t want to admit that with him I feel…
different. Safe. He listens when I talk and remembers the smallest, stupidest things.
He’s more talented than he’ll ever admit, and lately, he’s the one who makes me laugh when I want to cry.
In fact, there have been very few sad tears, and I know it’s because of him.
“Yes, you do.” She bumps my shoulder with hers. “You know Jay. You’ve known him long enough to trust what you’re feeling. And from where I’m standing? It looks good on you.”
Heat creeps into my cheeks all over again, but this time I don’t fight it. “You’re really not mad?”
She huffs. “Mad? Please. Why do you think I suggested you live with him? I’ve been waiting for one of you to crack since the day you moved in. Honestly, I’m just impressed you lasted this long.”
I groan, covering my face again, realizing I’ve been played, but I can’t be mad about it. “Oh my god.”
“Don’t ‘oh my god’ me,” she laughs. “Now, help me with these potatoes.”
***
By the time Daphne sends me out with a tray of rolls, it’s like my skin doesn’t quite fit. She knows. My best friend knows, and she’s happy for me, but now it feels like there’s a neon sign blinking above my head every time I look at Jay.
So when I catch him heading down the hall a little later, I follow.
“Jay,” I hiss, slipping inside the bathroom behind him before he can shut the door.
He startles, turning toward me. “Are you okay?”
I press my back to the door like I’m barricading us in, chest heaving with adrenaline. “Daphne knows.”
His brow furrows, then smooths. “Okay.”
“Okay?” My voice pitches higher. “That’s it?”
Jay chuckles. “Well, are you in danger? No. Did she say anything bad? No. Then yeah—okay.”
I gape at him. “You’re not… worried?”
He shakes his head. “Why would I be worried?”
My arms do that flapping thing again. “Because!”
He steps in closer, too close for me to form a rational thought when he looks so damn sexy in his glasses, his hair falling a little longer since I moved in, and I like it. “You think I’m worried about people calling you mine?”
A thickness settles in my throat. “N-no…” I pause, and his brow arches. “Maybe. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to be with me because of circumstance. I’ll still be your roommate if you want that instead.”
His nostrils flare slightly. When I don’t answer, I’m hoping he understands all the things I’m too cowardly to voice out loud, things I’ve laid out for him before but can’t quite bring myself to say now. “Do you want to be just my roommate again?”
I swallow hard. “I don’t, but I’m—”
He takes the last step between us, bracing one palm flat against the door beside my head, engulfing me in the heat radiating from his body. “Liv,” he says quietly. “I’m here because I want to be.”
My heart misses a beat. “You’re sure?”
“I’m sure.” He tilts his head, eyes searching mine. “You’re not a habit I tripped into. You’re the one I pay attention to.”
I laugh, but it’s shaky. The thrum in my body increases, then, when his hand reaches to cup my face, everything slows. My heart clings to the rhythm of his pulse, calming me instantly. “You’re ruining my panic.”
“Good.” His mouth curves, and his thumb brushes back and forth over my cheek. “Stay here with me for a second, make out with me, or I can go down on you to ease that panic more?”
I can’t stop the bubble of joy exploding from my lips.
He mirrors me and smiles, holding me close. “It’s all okay, I promise.”
I let out a breath, leaning my forehead against his chest. “Okay.”
His other arm slides around my waist, warm and easy, knitting me back together. “Okay.”
“Kiss me, Olivia, then we’ll go out there and eat too much pie with our friends.”
I obey without hesitation, and the buzz under my skin starts to fade.
The neon sign in my head, the ants crawling, all of it quiets down until it’s just me and him and the steady thud of his heartbeat against my ear.
It feels ridiculous that I was convinced the world was about to collapse around us when he makes it seem this simple.
We don’t need to hide; there’s no sneaking around for fun or for a secret significant other, and the sooner my body gets the memo, the better.
When I pull away, my lips tingle with the feel of him. I hum in contentment, and he presses a kiss to my forehead.
“What are you doing next weekend?” he asks, and I’m not ready to open my eyes yet, so I rest my head in the crook of his neck instead, basking in the bliss rushing into my bloodstream.
“You, hopefully.”
The rumble of laughter vibrates under my cheek, and it makes me smile. “My parents are having an anniversary dinner at their house.”
Lifting my head, I look into his dark-blue eyes.
“But I’d really like it if you came with me.”
My heart flutters like wild, untamable butterflies. I blink to try not to stutter with my words. “You want me to meet your family?”
He brushes a stray piece of hair from my cheek and tucks it behind my ear, before using that same hand to push his glasses up his nose, and something about that continued connection feels like a live thread spinning between us.
When he lowers his nose to softly nudge mine, sparks fly along that very connection.
“I will warn you, it’s going to be loud and crazy, and my sisters all have multiple children who have no chill whatsoever.”
I hide my lips in my teeth as I try not to smile. “That sounds—”
“Wild, I know, and it will be, so I understand if you don’t want to go.”
I rise to my tiptoes and hold his face between my hands. “Amazing. I was going to say that sounds amazing.” I pull him closer to me and press my lips to his, feeling his pulse thrum beneath my fingers. “I thrive in crazy, you know.”
His smile breaks free, and he pulls me into another kiss that feels like maybe I don’t need to brace for the worst all the time.