Chapter 14 Madison
Madison
It’s late Friday morning and I’m hurrying to lunch with Kenji.
It’s only been a week since I moved out, but I’ve missed him more than I thought possible.
Without our daily chats, life feels a bit lonely and I find myself wishing for his calm presence.
Ace has become my sounding board these days.
I mean, he’s a captive audience, so it’s pretty easy to get him to listen.
He does that side head-cock thing dogs do, and it looks as if he’s really invested in what I’m saying.
It helps that he comes up and snuggles into my leg once I’m finished.
Dogs are the best. It’s not the same as Kenji, but it’s a close second, and it helps.
Ace is one hundred percent in love with Liam.
Don’t get me wrong. My new dog loves me, too.
I’m his favorite, but he absolutely adores going running with Liam every morning.
He sits by the door at seven every single day, right next to the coat rack where I hang his leash.
His dedication is just so endearing. I get this warm, fuzzy feeling every time I see it.
It makes my day, even when I’m tired and haven’t had my coffee yet.
Which is another thing that’s been happening lately.
Liam’s been bringing me coffee. Every morning.
It’s so considerate, and it literally makes my whole day brighter.
I’m finding it funny that I’ve seen Liam more in the last week than I have in the last two years.
He does their morning run, and he still stops by after hockey to work with me on Ace’s training, despite being tired and sore.
I’m not sure how I feel about it. Actually, that’s not true.
It’s not that I don’t know, it’s that I can’t stop thinking.
.. about him. About us. About the possibility of an “us”. All of the things.
I make them breakfast when they get back in the morning.
It’s the least I can do. I know cooking isn’t his forte, and I don’t mind it.
Plus, I love how appreciative he is when I do it.
I catch myself looking up high-protein, high-carb breakfasts so I can make sure he’s got the right nutrition for the day’s training.
Creating new recipes is more fun than I anticipated.
Which brings me back to how I feel about Liam. A while ago, I was lumping him into the same category as my brother, a big man-child. It was easier to keep my high school crush at arm’s length if I thought of them grouped together. Much easier than the possibility of rejection, or worse, derision.
The problem is that I see him differently now.
Instead of Liam, my brother’s best friend, I’m seeing Liam, the man.
They’re very different people, and I feel as if I’m just getting to know Liam the man.
He’s this incredibly sweet guy who brings me coffee and helps me out with my dog.
Everywhere I look, my man-child label is being destroyed, and in its place is this incredibly attractive guy who has been nothing but supportive and considerate.
It’s a potent package and one I’m having a difficult time resisting, because I’m finding I like Liam, the man, quite a bit.
We’ve had entire conversations about being the team captain and how that relates to a book he’s reading about sports leadership.
Not a discussion I ever thought I’d have with him, and I’m not sad about it.
I had no idea until recently that he was a reader.
Well, he listens to audiobooks, but to me, it’s the same thing.
Having reading in common was a wonderful surprise.
I’ve never had this much fun with a guy that I’m also attracted to, and it’s giving me all sorts of new feelings that I don’t normally associate with Liam.
I can feel that childhood crush blossoming into something else entirely.
The way my body responds to just being near him is far too disconcerting.
I want so much for him to kiss me, and yet I’m dreading it.
What if it changes our whole dynamic? Since I have no idea what to say, I say nothing.
I keep him in the friend zone because then I don’t have to make a decision.
It’s obvious he wants to make a move. I can feel it when we hug or when I catch him staring at me in a certain way. When I push him back into the friend zone, he’s still so sweet and polite. It’s the most amazing thing. It’s frustrating, but yet I still feel respected.
I have to pull myself out of my head because I reach the cafe and Kenji’s already there.
It’s right near my studio, so it’s only a short walk.
They source their food locally and have tons of healthy options, which I love supporting.
Between my yoga journey and Kenji, I’ve learned so much about living healthy. Now it’s just second nature.
We’re early for the lunch crowd, so we get our pick of the outdoor tables since I’ve got Ace with me.
The landscaping on their outdoor patio is absolutely gorgeous.
A row of trees and bushes surrounds the whole patio, giving it a secluded, intimate feel.
The half-barrels of wildflowers scattered around the tables are the perfect colorful accent.
A wooden gazebo stands in the middle, like an oasis in the desert, which is where we’re headed.
I’m thrilled we got here early enough to get a table there.
The Denver sun can get pretty hot midday, especially in August, but if you get a seat in the shade, there’s usually a light breeze to cool you off.
Because he’s Kenji, and he’s unfailingly polite, he pulls out my chair for me before seating himself. Some guy is going to be so lucky with him.
“I love this place,” I sigh happily.
“Me too.” He says, leaning over to give Ace a nice, long head scratch. Ace, thrilled with the attention, is butting his head against Kenji’s hand. His antics make me smile.
“So, how’s everything in your world?” I ask.
We talk about his training and how his new Ju-Jitsu trainer has him doing different things to give him an advantage in his next fight. I keep the focus on him until the food gets here and we dig in. I don’t even have time to take more than a few bites before he’s grilling me.
“Okay, what’s up with you? What are you avoiding?” he asks, looking at me with suspicion.
“What?” I try to deflect.
“It’s me, so quit it and spill. It’s like you think I don’t know you.”
“Ugh fine.” I say because I really do need to talk to someone, and there’s no one better than Kenz.
“Liam. I still have that stupid crush on Liam and it’s getting worse.”
“When did you get a crush on Liam and why is it stupid?”
“Maybe since high school. I know I told you long ago, Kenz. Sheesh. It doesn’t matter though because he doesn’t see me that way.” I shrug,
Kenz almost spits out his food when he lets go with a huge laugh.
“Wow, thanks for laughing at my pain. Hurtful.” It’s not that funny, I think as I try to push away the stab of hurt feelings. He chews quickly and then grabs my hand with an affectionate squeeze.
“Maddie bear! That’s not what I meant, sweetie. I’m sorry.” He says with obvious regret. “It’s just that Liam’s been gone on you forever and I’m just now realizing you had no idea.”
“What?” That can’t be true, because I’m sure I would have noticed that.
“Mads. Come on. You really didn’t know? Everyone knows.” Clearly, I did not know.
“When you say everyone, who would that be, Kenz?”
“Well, Walker for sure. I mean he’s tried to get you two together?”
“That was for him. So, he could always have Liam and me around.”
Kenz laughs again. This time he doesn’t apologize.
“That’s not why.” He sounds way too sure of his information.
“Oh please. He just wants what’s easy for him.”
“Is that really how you see your brother?” He asks gently because he knows this is a bit of a sore subject for me. “Mads, come on, be fair here.”
I grumble under my breath. Why does no one else see him the way I do?
“Sometimes.” I say, reluctant to agree with him, even though I know he’s probably right.
“Mads. You know I love you to the moon and back, but I don’t think you’re being fair to Walker. It’s not his fault your parents were dicks about hockey. He was just a kid. You know that. Isn’t it time for him to stop paying the price for your parents’ mistakes.”
That ugly, angry piece of my heart screams at me.
It doesn’t want to let go of my resentment and indignation.
I know Kenji is right. Was it really ever Walker’s fault?
Probably not. It’s easier because he’s alive and they’re not.
And I know that’s not logical or even fair to Walker, but it’s just so much easier to be furious at him.
I can’t think about my parents right now, so mentally I put that emotional baggage back in the closet.
I don’t have the bandwidth for it today.
Dealing with my feelings about Walker is already a lot.
I’m a terrible sister.
Ace nudges my thigh with his head before licking my hand. He always seems to know when I’m feeling bad. I reach over and ruffle his soft, black fur, running my hand around the fur behind his ears. He loves that, lying his head on my lap. It pulls me away from
“I’m sorry Mads. I know that wasn’t what you wanted to hear.” Even when he’s telling me to fix my shit, he’s nice about it. That’s why I love him.
“No, don’t be. You’re right. This is on me to fix. It really has gone on too long.” I sigh. I really need to do some work on this because I do love my brother. So much. Feelings are just so damn complicated.
“Maybe just talk to him. I think his perspective might surprise you.”
“I’ll think about it.” I finally say as we go back to eating our food. We let it go for the rest of lunch. I don’t bring up his revelation about Liam, but I can’t stop thinking about what he said, and it’s making me rethink how I see not just Liam himself but his actions for the past few weeks.
Instead, we talk about Ace and how he’s acclimating to his new home. I fill him in on how Liam’s been taking him running every day, and how I’m finally learning how to be a better dog mom. How well behaved he’s been and how he’s setting in well.
“So, Ace was good call?” he asks, a knowing smile on his face.
“The best.” I grin right back at him.
Friday is my favorite workday because I get to teach the most amazing group of humans. The kids in the neighborhood after-school program at the community center come by for a class every Friday, and it’s the highlight of my week.
Ace came to class with me for the first time last week, and it was love at first sight.
He has this gentle, loving way that makes my heart melt.
He ambled through the classroom, getting a bit of love from every child.
Waiting patiently for the children to reach out to him first was the perfect approach, because those kids loved it!
Watching them all interact almost brought me to tears.
Today, after checking in with the children, he returned to lie down on the mat next to mine.
Random giggles alerted me that something was going on, but I ignored it.
I’ve worked with kids for a few years, so I don’t let a bit of laughter derail a class.
When it not only doesn’t stop but gets louder, I decide to investigate.
As I stand, I glance over at Ace. There he is, doing the downward dog pose, just like the rest of the class.
We ended up taking what I like to call a “laugh break” until everyone could focus again.
It took a few minutes, but it was worth it.
A healthy laugh is just as good for your well-being as a yoga pose, maybe even better.
I always end our session with corpse pose and deep breathing.
So when the giggles started during breathwork, I knew just where to look.
There was Ace, belly up, sprawled out on his back with his tongue lolling out the side of his snout, doing his very best doggie corpse pose.
I didn’t even attempt to regulate the hilarity at this point.
Sometimes you’ve just got to let the giggles out.
Class ended, and I let each kid come up and pat his belly. Ace hammed it up by wiggling around, but it was obvious he loved getting the attention, as much as the kids loved giving it. God, I love my job.
With everyone so amped up by the laughter, when Ace started helping the kids put their mats up by dragging them across the floor with his teeth, they responded with shrieks of joy.
Cheering him on to show their support, as if he were the winning contestant on Wheel of Fortune.
I couldn’t stop laughing, especially with Ace looking so proud of himself.
I was so caught up in our giggle fest that it took me a while to notice Liam standing by the door.
I smile and wave as herd my kids back out to the lobby.
The volunteer staff from the community center are just as happy to take advantage of an hour-long break as I am to give it to them. Win, win for everyone.