Chapter 30 Madison #2
The thing is... I wasn’t sad. I was furious.
Everyone acted as though dying erased all the hurtful things they did.
Every bit of the criticism and indifference.
Every bit of the judgment and inattention.
Ignored. And the worst part about it was that it was just me dealing with it.
Sure, it wasn’t easy for Walker either, but he had hockey. I had... well, nothing until Kenji.
“I wasn’t sad when they died, Mads.” Walker’s words bring me back to the present.
“Not the way you’re supposed to be. I was relieved.
Relieved I didn’t have to sit though any more breakdowns of everything I did wrong.
Sure, I felt something but it took me far too long to realize it wasn’t from missing them.
It was because I wished things had been different.
That they had been different.“ Walker continues. “Look, I get that you hate talking about this but I need to, Mads. I’ve been carrying around so much resentment, and it’s eating me alive.
I need to get it out and you’re the only other person who lived it with me, and I think it’s eating you too. More than you’ll admit.”
“You’re mad?” I ask. “At mom and dad or at me?”
“Mom and dad. Not you. Well not about this anyway.”
I raise my eyebrows in question. Not about this. Wonderful. I’m pretty sure he means Liam.
“That’s later. Mom and dad first.” He tells me.
“Okay. You first.” I had no idea he felt this way.
“I hated getting in the car with them. Driving to hockey games with them was the worst.”
“Why? I mean that was your bonding time.” Walker gives me a weird look.
“Did you even listen to our conversations, Mads?”
“Of course....”
“Really?”
“Uh, I guess, not that much. Okay, hardly ever. It drove me crazy that it was always about you all the time and I’m sorry but I didn’t want to listen.
I had that iPod thing, so music and audiobooks became my escape.
” I finish lamely. Why do I feel like I let him down somehow? I mean, he was the golden child.
“So basically you missed them tearing apart my game the entire drive home. Zero bonding was happening. It was just nonstop hockey critique.” How do I not remember that?
“Wait. What? You loved talking hockey with them, right? That was your whole sports bonding things you guys did.”
“It wasn’t like that at all, Mads. Those car rides were brutal.
Mom would just go off on me - how I needed to fix this, how I didn’t skate fast enough, or pass enough, or do anything enough.
And if we lost? It would turn into a full-on lecture about how I was a total screw-up who couldn’t play hockey and how was I going to get into a college, not to mention the NHL. It sucked donkey balls.”
“Jesus, Walks, I had no idea. I just remember they would start talking about the game and I would tune out. I genuinely thought you liked talking to them.”
“I really fucking hated it. There were a couple of times I almost quit ... except I love hockey too much. That and Liam were the only reasons I keep playing. I mean Mom was relentless. It sucked so bad.”
“I felt like you were the perfect kid and I was extra baggage they needed to carry around because they couldn’t leave me at home by myself.”
“You don’t even know how many times I envied you.
It felt like they were consistently grinding me down and picking me apart.
And you? You just got to be ... you. You got to read, listen to music, basically do your own thing while I got torn apart.
There was a stretch there where I was so pissed at you, even though I knew it wasn’t your fault. ”
“Oh God, Walk, I remember.”
“Well, I never said it back then, but I’m sorry, Mads. I’m sorry I took it out on you.”
That hits me hard. My eyes get teary, and there’s a lump in my chest, heavy and full of regret. Because somewhere, on some level, I always knew I was taking it out on him too. Not once did I take the time to look at it from his perspective. Damn, that’s shitty.
“I’m sorry, too. I should have been a better sister to you. It was easier to take my frustrations out on you. Even now.”
“Because I’m alive and they’re not?” he asks with far too much perception.
The tears are running down my face in a steady stream at this point. When I look up, Walker’s eyes are red-rimmed and glassy. I move forward and grab his hand. We are in this together, perhaps for the first time in our lives.
“Yeah.” I say. “Wow that’s so messed up. We’re so messed up.”
“I don’t want to be. Not anymore. I don’t want them fucking us up any more than they already have.”
The guilt, the sorrow. It’s all too much, and it’s hard to keep inside.
Because that’s me. I’m the calm one. The responsible one.
The adult. But I’m tired, and I don’t have any fight left in me today, so the tears just keep flowing.
Walker grabs me, pulling me into a fierce hug, and it’s exactly what I didn’t know I needed.
Then we’re both bawling, and it’s messy and snotty and gross, but I don’t care because I can’t hold it in any longer and he can’t either.
Finally, we pull back a bit.
“You got snot on my shirt.” He says with a teasing grin. “Gross, girl cooties.”
I burst out laughing.
“Oh yeah?” I say as I wipe the tears away, looking around for a tissue. When I don’t see one, I make a big show of wiping my hand on his shirt, and I give him my evil grin.
“If anything you need more cooties not less.” I quip.
I retreat to the kitchen to get us some bottled water and a box of tissues.
We clean ourselves up in contented silence.
Everything is lighter. I’m still tired, but the sense of impending doom that I’ve had all day has subsided.
I love my brother. More than I even thought possible.
He’s a pretty impressive guy, and maybe it’s time I recognize that.
“Have you eaten? Cause I’m starving.” I smile because Walker is always hungry.
“Actually, no. I haven’t had time to get dinner going.” I tell him.
“Let’s order something. It’s on me.”
“I’m tired enough to let you pay.” I say, leaning back against the soft cushions of my couch.
“How ya doing? We good?”
“Yeah. We’re good.”
“It all feels less heavy, ya know? Like when I finish taking off all my equipment.”
“We’re gonna be okay, Walk.”
“I know, but thanks for saying it.” He nudges me with his shoulder, and I roll my eyes with a smile.
The takeout arrives. Walker got it from my favorite Thai restaurant. He even remembered my favorite dish. Spicy chicken pad Thai with extra peanuts, because I love the crunchiness.
As I sit and savor my noodles, we talk about hockey and the team, which is more entertaining now that we associate with the same people.
My brother is a funny guy, and his observations of his teammates are spot-on and hilarious.
We talk about the studio and Ace. It’s refreshing because for once I’m not looking at him through the lens of my resentment.
We don’t talk about Liam, and that’s okay for now.
There’s been enough emotional turmoil for one evening.
The heaviness of everything unspoken is dissipating and allowing us to connect on a deeper level. Not only does it feel good, but our relationship feels safe to me in a way it never has before.
After dinner, we lay back on the couch, sleepy and depleted from the events of the day. Even his nasty burping doesn’t annoy me like usual.
“I’m so full. Why did you let me eat all that? I have a food baby.” Walker groans, patting his stomach.
“You are a baby. You’ll burn it off tomorrow.” But there’s no heat to my teasing.
“Oh, I see how it is.”
I smirk at him. I’m just as full, and he’s actually moving better than I am.
“I’ll pay you to take the dog out.” I’m not sure I can get up off this couch right now, and Ace is giving me his look.
“Fine. But you’re gonna owe me.”
“Whatever. I’m fairly certain you owe me.”
He takes Ace down to the park across the street, and I sigh. My eyes drift shut, and I’m almost asleep by the time they get back. The slam of the front door jolts me awake. My body is heavy as I pull myself upright. I should at least sleep in a bed. God, I’m so tired.
“I think Ace is starting to like me better.” Walker says as he lets him off his leash. Ace cocks his head at Walker, who gives him a treat.
“Good boy, Ace. You love your Uncle Walker, don’t you?”
“Okay, dork. You need to go home. I need sleep. You can woo my dog another time.”
“What no more sibling bonding? I had an entire evening planned! We were gonna do face masks, drink wine, and talk about who has the best hair.”
“Oh my God, leave before I hit you. Also, I totally have the best hair.”
“Lies. My hair is sick.” But he gives me a hug, squeezing me tight and twirling me around like he always does, before setting me back on my feet next to the bed. “I love you, sis. Tonight was good for us, Mads. Really good.”
“Yeah, it really was. I love you too, Walk. I’ll try and be better about telling you that.”
“Thanks, Maddie bear, I’ll lock up if you just want to crash.” I give him a grateful look as I flop onto the bed with a contented groan.
“Hey Mads. Can I just say one last thing?” I try not to snap because I’m turning over a new leaf here.
“Sure, Walks. Go for it.”
“I know you don’t want to talk about Liam, and I don’t want you to be pissed at me again. But I think you guys need to talk to each other ’cause you were pretty rough on him the other night and I think you really hurt him”
“I know. I’ll handle it, I promise.”
“Okay. Night, sis.” The door closes softly, and the last thing I hear is the locks clicking into place before I’m pulled down into sleep.