Chapter 32 Madison #2
“What? No, he doesn’t. I mean we only recently started dating.” I say, flustered by the things I’m learning about my guy. Why wasn’t I aware of this? Sure, I knew the team used to be terrible, but now I’m thinking there was so much more to it.
“Yeah, but you’ve known him since high school so...” Lexi pauses.
“He’s clearly one of the good ones.” Lily adds, giving me a piercing glance.
“Ladies, give her a break. You can’t crack all of her secrets in the very first dinner. We’re allowed to keep some things to ourselves.” Joslyn attempts to take the spotlight off me. I give her a grateful smile.
“It’s okay. We’re actually going through a rough patch right now. I don’t even know where we’re at. I hate it.” I confess. Why is it so scary to trust new friends with parts of yourself? I decide to do it anyway since I’m in desperate need of sound advice.
“Do we need to kick Captain Hottie’s ass across the parking lot?” Lexi narrows her eyes, as if she’s ready to punch poor Liam right now.
“I’m actually starting to suspect I’m the one who screwed up.”
Joslyn gives my arm a comforting pat.
“I’ve always found with a disagreement that both parties have work to do on the relationship. At least with one’s that matter. No one has a relationship in a vacuum.” She tells me, but I’m not so sure.
Relating the challenges in my relationship with my brother proves to be easier than I anticipated.
Lily also has a brother who plays hockey, and it’s comforting to have a friend who understands my situation.
Discussions regarding my parents’ deaths are much more difficult, and I still have unresolved feelings that I need to deal with, but now isn’t the time, so I get through the explanations as quickly as possible.
They give me their full, undivided attention, and that show of respect tells me more than anything that I’ve chosen to confide in the right people. My heart swells at the possibility of real and lasting friendship with these wonderful women.
As a result, I tell them more than I intended about Liam and our relationship, including the events that led up to our confrontation. It makes me wince, guilt overwhelming me, as I recount every horrible thing I said to him.
“I have no idea of where to go from here. My pride tells me not to pursue him, but yet I can’t help but feel I should be the one to apologize first.” My face heats as I grimace at my shameful behavior.
There’s a few minutes of silence, and the fear of their judgment ramps my anxiety up to insane levels.
“Thank you for sharing your life with us, Madison.” Taking my hand in hers, Joslyn gives it a squeeze, and the warmth of their acceptance is like a benediction.
“Please believe that we would never take your trust for granted. I’m so sorry about your parents.
I can’t imagine how hard that was for you. ”
The compassion in her voice nearly breaks me.
Jesus, I would have given anything for my mom to show up for me like this.
The hollow sensation in my chest tells me that even if they’d lived, it never would have happened.
I fight back the tears, because if I let go now, I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop.
Joslyn, noticing my struggles, moved the topic away from my parents and back to my relationship issues.
“The first question you need to ask yourself is what do you want? Do you want a real, lasting relationship with Liam? Are you ready for that given your recent split with Kenji? Where are you at, sweetie? And how can we support you?”
There’s a chorus of agreement from Lily and Lexi, and it goes straight to my gut. I’ve found my tribe, and it’s like coming home.
“Thanks, guys. Just knowing you’re here makes it so much less intimidating.”
“We got you, M.” Lexi says with a wink. “Jos is right. What do you want?”
I’m going to have to contemplate that question.
I’ve been so busy wallowing in my shame spiral that I haven’t even considered what I want.
I really miss the quiet, steady partnership we were building.
The way we were perfectly in sync while preparing a meal.
His uncanny ability to tell when I need an extra hug, or the way he seamlessly handles the little things like taking out the trash.
Even his willingness to read a book that I’m reading so we can discuss it, without fanfare. Everything was so easy with Liam.
This relationship has changed me for the better.
I’m softer and more open than I’ve been since before my parents passed.
I love how his appreciation of the little things I do, like making him a healthy meal, inspires me to enjoy giving without resentment.
The way he wants my input on the daily for everything from team dynamics to what I need emotionally gives our relationship a balance that I’ve never had with any other romantic partner.
And the sex. Oh my God! I shouldn’t focus on the physical, but no man has ever taken me to the heights of passion like Liam.
This is the first relationship where the sex has been so phenomenal that I can’t wait to get home at night.
The cuddling is top-tier. I love the way we talk for hours after we’ve been intimate. It’s almost as good as the sex. Almost.
Do I want more? Undeniably yes. Yes, I do. The last few weeks were the happiest I’ve been in years. Do I love him? On some level, I’ve always loved him, but now? Now I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with him. Oh God. I love Liam.
My face must betray my thoughts because everyone smiles.
“That’s the look of a girl who knows what she wants.” Lily says triumphantly.
I blush.
“Yeah, I do.” I say with a smile.
“You want to keep Captain Hottie, don’t you? Because damn girl, those abs. Yum!” Lexi blurts out.
“I really do. I’m no exactly sure where to go from here. What if he doesn’t want me? I was such a bitch, you guys.”
“Okay, possibly, but we can get you guys past that, especially since you plan to apologize. You do plan to apologize, right?” Lily says, moving immediately into planning mode.
“Of course.” I reply. That part is a done deal.
“Well, I don’t believe we should go the grand gesture route. That doesn’t fit him, does it? The opposite actually.” Lexi says.
“I agree. That’s absolutely not his thing. We need a heart to heart and not in a restaurant either. Neither of us would be comfortable having an intimate conversation in public.”
“Ugh right! No restaurant.” Lily taps her lips with the ballpoint pen she’s using to keep track of our discussion.
“You could invite him over for dinner. Maybe don’t tell him you need to talk though because we’re all aware of how guys react to that. Although, Liam doesn’t seem to run away from the hard stuff. Look at the whole rookie situation.” Joslyn offers.
“I’m not sure how he’s going to respond. I wish I did.” I tell them. “I say we go with the direct approach and see if that works. If not, we can resort to subterfuge.” I say with a wicked smile.
“I love subterfuge!” says Lexi with a dreamy look on her face. “It’s the best part!”
“That does not reassure me, Lexi.” My gut says that Liam wouldn’t appreciate it either.
We move on to other topics after that, and I’m glad.
I don’t want to be that friend who makes their issues everyone’s focus.
Lily tells us about her latest Tinder date disaster.
Lexi shares of few stories from her first semester of college.
Joslyn regales us with details of her first ice-skating date with Damon.
It’s fun, light, and precisely what I need to get my mind off the more serious problems in my life.
On the walk back to my studio, Joslyn pulls me aside, asking if I’ll walk with her. I agree because I’d listen to this woman’s wisdom about pretty much anything.
“So, if I’m overstepping, please tell me, but I wanted to talk to you for a minute.”
“Sure. Go ahead, Jos.”
“When my husband Kurt died, I found myself dealing with an enormous amount of pent up anger. I had every right to be angry, as you do about your own struggles, but I found that it was really affecting my relationships with my children and other people in my life that I cared for deeply. The day that I blew up at my son about cleaning his room, was the day I decided to go talk to someone. Anger is a legitimate emotion response to unjust or hurtful situations, but I didn’t want it to control my life.
And for a while I’m sad to say that it did. ”
I nod my head. This sounds so familiar. I don’t say a word because I want to hear the rest. It feels important.
“When you live in the angry state, as I did, it twists everything around you. I found myself growing extremely critical of the people around me - my children, and especially myself. It was a rough period for my family and it did more harm than good with my children which I deeply regret. Thankfully, I found an amazing counselor who helped me find better ways to not only channel my anger but to learn to love myself again.” She pauses and smiles at me softly while wiping at her glassy eyes.
I smile back and take her arm in silent support.
“I’m not saying you have the same issues, but if you do find that your anger becomes an issue, I can give you her name and information. It will give you some options, at least.”
“Thanks for sharing that with me.” I tell her softly, giving her arm a squeeze.
Sharing her experience has made me feel seen by another woman in a way that I desperately needed.
For so long I’ve lived with this bitter anger, convinced no one understood or appreciated how difficult it’s been for me.
Until now. I had hoped that my resentment would fade away at some point, or that someone would come along who would appreciate and understand me. Then everything would be fine.
The thing is, I found someone who appreciated and tried to understand, but it didn’t go away. Instead, I pushed him away with the full force of all my unresolved issues. I can’t keep living my life this way. Joslyn’s right. I’m hurting the people I love. Liam. Walker. Even Kenji sometimes.
I’ve been so busy telling everyone else to grow up and deal with their issues when I should have been telling myself the same thing.
Today has clearly shown me it’s time for me to do the work on myself that I’ve been asking others to do.
I wince because being a hypocrite isn’t something I’m proud of. Time to fix it.
“I think I might like to talk to someone, Jos. If you don’t mind sharing her info.” I tell her with a voice stronger than I knew it could be.
Joslyn’s smile is so bright it could light up a room. She immediately stops, digging through her purse for the requested information. After handing me a business card, she pulls me in for the sweetest, tightest mom hug ever. It’s wonderful. My chest loosens, and I can breathe freely again.
Maybe seeing this therapist will help me get more clarity about Liam as well. I wonder how soon I can get an appointment. Now that I’ve made up my mind about taking action, I’m impatient to get started.
This friendship group is turning out to be exactly what I needed all along.