Collins
NOW
We’re the only souls to be found out here on these back country roads. Or should I say just me? I’m the only one. Johnnie’s also here but lost somewhere in the depths of sleep. Good sleep too, if the deepness of her breaths are any indication.
I look over at her and fight the instinct to smile at the way her hands are clasped at her chest, her head resting against the window, knees tucked under her like she’s trying to take up less space.
She reminds me of a small, worn-out kid who’s been through more than she ever should have.
Making all those decisions for Nan at the funeral home… damn, that couldn’t have been easy.
My jaw tightens at the memory of how Johnnie kept glancing at me before finalizing anything. It’s like she needed—wanted my approval. I shouldn’t like that as much as I do. I shouldn’t feel anything about it at all.
It has to sting a little that her parents aren’t here to help carry these hard days with her.
They’re still assholes in my opinion.
I hated the way they left her when she was still a teen.
She says things are a lot better between them now, but it’s gonna take more convincing on my end.
Letting their daughter fly across the country to arrange a funeral and figure out every single detail surrounding her grandmother’s death all alone? I don’t like it.
When she lets out a quiet sigh, shifting in the seat, the sound slackens any anger within me a little more. Each moment feels like I’m losing grasp of any resentment I’ve been harboring.
I glance back at her, sleeping beside me in my truck, just like she used to.
I shouldn’t feel grateful that she trusts me enough to close her eyes here after everything. I shouldn’t let it matter.
But it does.
I can physically feel the shift happening between us, within me. Something hotter, deeper, starts erupting. Sparking a slow burn right in the center of my chest that I’ve spent ten years trying to put out.
All I have to do is catch a glimpse of the light reflecting in her eyes, see that rogue hair by her left ear she gets so irritated with, and any anger I’ve housed for so long dissipates.
I want to slam on the brakes, wake her up, and demand answers.
But more than that, I just want to wrap my arms around her, breathe her in deep enough to fill my lungs with ten years of deprived oxygen, and just—
Love her.
But I don’t have the heart to wake her. I drive up and down every back road in this town for hours, just letting her be.
When I finally pull in to the park, she starts to rouse, rubbing her eyes and looking around.
“Oh my gosh, the sun is going down? How long did you let me sleep?”
“Long enough for me to want a beer. Want to come in and join me? You’ve earned it after a day like today, and Lou and Billy are home. We can just chill and try to forget about all the heavy stuff. Sound good?”
“That actually sounds like a pretty decent idea, let’s do it.”
JOHNNIE
Back at Lou and Billy’s trailer, Lou and I sit at the counter, each with a glass of wine, looking out the screen door every now and then at Collins, Billy, and Bolt—that’s the name Billy settled on for the puppy.
They’re currently involved in a game of football.
Bolt is the monkey in the middle of their tossing back and forth, and it’s hilarious.
“I’m not normally a wine drinker, but you’re right, Lou. This red is dangerously sweet. I tilt the stemless glass to my lips and smile at her over the rim.
Now that I know her and Collins aren’t a thing, I think her and I could really get along. She’s cool. Her tattoos, dark lashes, and black clothing present a sharp exterior—one that her inner heart contradicts.
“Can I tell you a secret?” My cheeks are warm and my brain is starting to feel slightly fuzzy.
“Of course! Spill the tea,” Lou says, leaning in closer to me.
“I kind of hated you the first time I saw you.”
Lou doesn’t miss a beat, she just smiles and waggles her eyebrows. “And what changed your mind?”
“I found out you weren’t screwing Collins.”
She nearly spits her wine out, laughing and coughing at once, making me nearly choke on my own laugh.
“Oh, this is good.” She points at me. “You sound territorial. Trust me, I know you peed on him first. Plus, no worries. While Collins is fucking adorable, I may or may not have my sights set on a different Combs boy.” She can’t hide her girly giggle. The wine is doing a number on both of us.
“Who told you we have history?”
“He did!”
“What did he say?”
All of a sudden, the screen door whines and the boys come barreling in. A cool breeze of fall evening air follows behind them, cooling my flushed face.
“All right, kiddo, I think it’s about time to brush your teeth.” Collins looks at Lou. “Isn’t it that time?”
“Yep. Billy, tell Collins and Johnnie good night. We need to tuck Bolt in his bed for the night. Go pick out a book for me to read you. I’m getting tired myself.” Lou yawns and smiles at me with a wink, getting up from her barstool to place her wineglass in the sink.
“I already know which book I want. My favorite! A Girl Named Halloween!” Billy’s excited words become muffled as he darts down the hallway.
“We’ve read that one every night for the past two weeks. I don’t even have to look at the pages anymore, I have the whole thing memorized.” Lou rolls her eyes and tells us good night, following Billy.
It’s like her departure down the hall has all the oxygen in this trailer following her. Their absence leaves my stomach twisted. I glance up at Collins, his eyes already boring into mine.
The two of us, alone. Suddenly, I’m seventeen again, crushing on the boy. But the boy has become a man—a fine one at that.
“I think the wine I consumed is telling me it’s time for bed.”
I try acting completely unbothered and sober, but my stumble toward the door has Collins reaching out to steady me, blowing my cover. One hand at my elbow, the other grasping my shoulder. He’s barely touching me, and yet I feel him everywhere.
“I’ll walk you home. Looks like you might need the assistance.” His tone is edged with something rougher than teasing, like he’s already irritated with the situation, but he still keeps a steady hand on me.
“Oh my god, Collins. It’s like ten steps from this door to mine. I think I can manage.” I shrug him off and head out to the porch.
I’m a big girl, I’ve got this. I’ll show him.
Well, I would show him if I wasn’t currently on the ground. The hard cement beneath my cheek feels cool on my flushed skin. Thank goodness for the alcohol running through my veins, because where I would normally assume embarrassment would be present, all I feel is hysterical.
Bubbling into uncontrollable laughter, I start to turn over when I’m scooped up bridal style.
“Exactly how much wine did you two drink?” His breath hits my forehead, sending a jolt of electricity through me.
The current turns my laughter into hiccups.
He exhales through his nose like he’s both annoyed and unsurprised.
“Glad to see some things never change. Once a lightweight, always a lightweight.”
Collins carries me into the trailer, passes Nan’s room, and brings me straight to my old bedroom in the back of the trailer.
“No, I want to sleep in Nan’s bed.”
His booted feet turn and clump along the worn, rust-colored carpet, causing the rickety bones of this place to squeak and everything to vibrate slightly.
Laying me down on the bed after pulling back the covers, he places a hand on my shoulder to lean me back onto the pillows, and makes my heart stutter. All the blood in my body rushes to my ears, where it swirls around, making a whooshing pulse.
I swallow and look up at him.
He’s looking back, hovering above me with hooded eyes, something guarded and conflicted sitting heavy behind them.
Collins keeps the hand on my shoulder a moment longer than necessary before slowly dragging it down my body. The side of my breast, my ribs, down the side of my stomach and hip, trailing along my leg until he reaches the heel of my foot and pauses.
I don’t think I’m breathing as I see the muscle in his jaw tick.
Like he’s reminding himself of something.
He starts unlacing my shoe and slides it off.
Lifting the other foot and repeating the gesture, his movements are careful, almost reluctant. I’m on fire watching this man remove my shoes as if he were removing all my clothes.
How the hell does he make something so simple feel so intimate?
So dangerous?
He tosses them onto the floor a little harder than necessary and grabs the covers, bringing them up to my chin. I can find absolutely zero words to speak.
He reaches over to my nightstand, clicking the switch to turn on the lamp. The soft glow illuminates the room just enough to see turmoil in his eyes.
For a moment he just stands there.
Like he’s debating something.
Then he backs away.
I’m in awe as he slowly turns his back to me, reaches up to turn the overhead light off, and walks out of the room without saying a single word of his own.
I grasp the blankets under my chin, take a deep breath, and listen as he makes his way down the hallway and out the front door.
When I hear the soft click of the door and his heavy footsteps descend the steps, I can finally breathe again.
Fluffing my pillow, I smile and whisper, “Good night, Collins.”
COLLINS
I tried. Honest to God, I did.
I took the drunk girl home where she belongs.
But does she, though?
Does she belong over there all by herself, at a time like this? It just doesn’t sit right with me. I’m back over at her front door before I can talk myself out of it.
I stomp right back up those deck steps, in the front door, through the living room and down the hall.
What I hear next sends my heart straight from my chest to the floor.
She’s fucking crying.
I walk right through the door and stand beside the bed. She looks up, as though she isn’t a damn bit surprised to see me back here.
“It just hurts so much being here without her. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without her? I don’t know how to live in a world she doesn’t exist in. I don’t want to know how to do that.” She sniffs and wipes her tears with the sheets.
“I don’t know how to tell you to do that, Johnnie, but I can tell you that I miss her too and I’m here for you. If you let me.”
She holds the covers up and scoots over. “Can you just sit with me a while?”
My feet are moving toward her before I have a chance to decide if it’s a bad idea or not.
I lower down beside her, and she moves into my side.
My arm comes around her, our bodies remembering each other, melting together like they’re back where they belong, no matter how much time I’ve spent trying to forget.
Johnnie lays her head on my chest. I can feel her warm tears soaking through my shirt. I rub a hand up and down her back, and I’m not sure if I’m comforting her or myself, but having her here, like this, is easing some of the ache inside me.
“I had a fiancé.” She speaks so softly, and yet that sentence is so sharp I can physically feel it.
I remain quiet, just continuing to run my hand up and down to comfort her, hoping she’ll elaborate. The air in my lungs feels trapped and my heart doesn’t pick up speed—it stutters, like it might stop altogether.
“I really tried. I’ve tried so many times to move on from that summer with you.
I just haven’t been able to do it. His name is Greg, and he’s actually a really good man.
Things were going better with him than they had with anyone else since you, and I really thought I could do it…
I thought I could be happy.” She sighs and turns her face into my side.
I stare up at the ceiling, jaw tight. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with that confession, so I clear my throat.
“What changed?” I don’t know if I really care to know the answer, but what the hell else am I supposed to say?
“I think I just started to realize that loving him was safe and good…but it was empty. Hollow.”
She starts to raise her head, and I don’t think I’ve ever been more scared to look into someone’s eyes. That feeling only amplifies when the dim light reflects off the tears still clinging to her lashes.
“When I think about how I love you, Collins? It feels absolutely terrifying, but it makes me feel alive. I think that’s the only kind of love worth having.”
In that very moment, every single scar on my heart that formed after she left starts to fade. They’ll never be completely gone, but I know that every moment after this, they’re going to continue becoming lighter.
I bend down slightly to kiss her forehead and she lays her head back on the pillow.
“I still love you, too.” The words are out before I can stop them, and I’m immediately pissed at myself.
The anger toward myself dissipates when she sighs and I feel her hand lightly squeeze my bicep. I think she’s asleep. She lets out the slightest moan, bringing her knee up to connect with my balls. Yep, definitely asleep. And I’ve never been happier to have my sack smashed in my life.
While I know I won’t be getting an ounce of sleep, I think this is about to be the best rest my soul has known in a long time.
Maybe ever.