37. Johnnie
johnnie
NOW
I’m so tired of crying.
I feel like I should be completely dried up, and yet the tears just keep falling.
And falling.
My thoughts are a tangled mess, every one of them pulling in a different direction, and I have no idea what the right thing to do is. Collins insisted I stay, clearly not wanting me in his way. But how am I supposed to sit here, helpless, not knowing what he’s doing?
What if he goes to Lee…and something really bad happens?
I’ve never seen Collins angry. Not like that. There was fire in his eyes, wild and unrestrained. And it was nothing like the warmth that burned there last night. That fire had been soft, consuming. This…this was something else.
I don’t think he’s capable of hurting someone. I don’t want to believe that. But…
He’s going to pay. The words echo through my mind, relentless, refusing to loosen their grip.
Questions ricochet inside my head—a pinball I can’t control. Is Collins capable of hurting Lee? Or worse? Surely he wouldn’t go that far, wouldn’t cross a line he could never come back from.
God, I shouldn’t have told him. I should’ve buried it, locked it away, taken it to my grave.
Because if Collins ends up in jail, if his life is torn apart because of this, it will be on me. Every second of it. And I don’t think I could ever live with that kind of guilt.
This is horrible.
I temporarily accept defeat and flop onto the cool sheets. Turning my face into the crisp fabric, I inhale. And it smells like him. Everything in this house does, but this…this is different. Closer. More intimate. Santal and vetiver. It wraps around me, and somehow it makes my heart feel heavier.
The thought of losing him. I can’t.
“Please, God…” My voice barely makes it past my lips. “I just got him back.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and focus on breathing. In and out. In and out. Trying to steady the chaos within.
I fought so hard to heal from that night. Piece by broken piece, I put myself back together. Please don’t let it all be for nothing. Because if Collins does something that takes him away from me…
I’ll never get over it. Not really. Not in any way that matters.
A door slams downstairs, sharp and sudden, ripping me from my thoughts.
I jolt upright, heart lurching into my throat.
“Collins?”
I rush to the top of the stairs. Maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he came back.
“Johnnie!”
I freeze.
That voice, it’s close to Collins’. Familiar, but it’s not him. Not quite.
“Hello?” My voice wavers as I glance around. “Who’s here?”
Then Campbell comes into view, and some of the panic unlodges from my chest.
He takes the stairs two at a time, urgency in every step, eyes wide and searching. When he reaches me, he stops short, scanning me from head to toe like he’s expecting to find something broken. Checking for wounds.
“Johnnie, are you okay? What’s going on?”
Now I’m the one thrown off.
“What do you mean?” I shake my head slightly, trying to catch up. “What are you doing here?”
“I don’t know,” he admits, breath coming fast. “Collins texted me, told me to get here, and make sure you were okay until he gets back. Said it was important.” He runs a hand through his hair, still catching his breath. “I didn’t ask questions. I just…I knew he needed me.”
My chest tightens, something warm threading through rampant thoughts. God, I love him for that, for showing up without hesitation.
“Johnnie,” he says again, softer this time, his eyes locking onto mine. “Is everything okay? Talk to me. Where did Collins go?”
We sit on the couch in heavy silence, the coffee pot Campbell started the only sound as the rich, bitter aroma dances through the air.
We’ve both tried calling Collins. Over and over.
His phone is off.
After digging through my bag, I pulled on a pair of my shorts and swapped out Collins’ T-shirt for one of my own.
I explained everything to Campbell as best I could, skimming over the worst of it. But he understood enough.
“I need to call Crandall,” he says, already pulling out his phone. “Go get yourself a cup of coffee, hon.”
Collins told me to drink the wine.
And right now…that honestly sounds more fitting for the way my nerves are unraveling. Maybe I’ll add something stronger to the coffee. Surely there’s a bottle of liquor around here somewhere.
“He’s not answering his damn phone,” Campbell mutters a moment later, frustration in his voice. “No wonder Collins got a hold of me first. That fuckface never answers.”
A quiet huff of laughter slips out of me as I pour coffee into a Combs Landscaping mug, steam rising.
“I can’t just sit here doing nothing,” he adds, his leg bouncing rapidly, the movement sharp and restless. He’s just as wound up as I am.
“Why don’t we try calling Lou?” I suggest, glancing over at him. “Maybe she’s with Crandall.”
His eyes snap to mine, a metaphoric lightbulb hovering above his head, and he points at me.
“Great idea, why the hell didn’t I think of that?” He’s already dialing, fingers moving fast. “Lou, hey. Are you with Crandall? Do you know where he is?” His voice fades as he pushes open the sliding door and steps out onto the patio, letting it shut behind him.
I watch through the glass, anxiety amplifying as he paces back and forth. Every so often he throws a hand up, frustration in every movement, but I can’t hear a word he’s saying. The silence on my side only makes it worse.
Turning away, I start opening cabinets, one after another. There has to be something, anything, a bottle tucked away somewhere.
I crouch down, leaning into the cabinet beneath the sink, when the door suddenly slides open again.
I jolt upright too fast…and smack my head hard against the edge.
“Ouch, dammit.” Bringing my hand to the top of my head I stand up, looking for Campbell.
“You okay?” He’s already beside me, smirking ever so slightly.
“I’m fine. What did Lou say?”
“I explained everything,” he says. “She’s on her way over to stay with you so I can go look for Crandall. She gave me a few places he might be, but I’m not wasting time. Whether I find him or not, I’m tracking Collins down and making sure he doesn’t do something he’ll regret.”
“I don’t need a babysitter.” The words come out sharper than I intend.
“Shit—no, Johnnie,” he says quickly, stepping closer. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I just…I don’t want you here alone. And Collins doesn’t either.” He softens, running a hand over the back of his neck. “Besides, Lou offered before I even asked.”
That pulls a small smile from me. “I really like Lou.”
Campbell huffs out a quiet laugh. “Yeah, we all do. Crandall just needs to get his head out of his ass long enough to make it official so we can keep her and Billy in the family for good.” He shakes his head. “He better not screw that up.”
My phone dings, and I jump, grabbing it off the counter too fast and fumble, sending it clattering to the floor at my feet.
“Shit.”
Campbell bends down and picks it up for me, but I’m already reaching. I can’t look at the name on the screen fast enough.
Lou. A small flicker of disappointment settles over me.
Lou:
I’m almost there, babe. I brought a bottle of Baileys for coffee. Thought you might need something to take the edge off.
Johnnie:
You read my mind.
Literally. She’s the best.
While my phone is still in my hands, I try Collins again. Straight to voicemail. Of course.
I set the phone back down and gather my hair, pulling it into a ponytail before twisting it up into a messy bun, securing it with the tie from my wrist.
“No more white bow, huh?”
Campbell leans against the opposite counter, arms crossed, and for a split second it hits me how much he looks like Collins standing like that.
“I think I’m a little too old for the bow these days.” A small laugh leaves my lips, the memory catching me off guard. I can’t believe he even remembers that, a silly little detail from my teenage years.
“Knock, knock!” Lou walks in the laundry room door from the garage, and for some reason I feel a slight pang of something akin to jealousy that she knows her way around here. She holds up a bottle of Baileys. “Who wants a poor-man’s Irish coffee?”
The energy she brings into any room, every situation, is contagious. She’s such a ball of fire and exactly what I need at this moment. Her black flip flops clap against the bottom of her feet as she makes her way into the kitchen, setting the bottle down and grabbing a mug from the cabinet.
Campbell darts for the door. “Thanks, Lou. Johnnie, you girls behave. I’m going to go wrangle up my brother.” And with that he walks out.
Tears, these damn tears…they start all over again, and Lou turns slowly toward me.
“Oh, babe.” She extends her arms and wraps me in a hug, digging her fingers gently along my scalp, an attempt to ease some of the tension radiating from me. “It’s going to be okay.”
Her words soothe me as I inhale her warm, sweet scent.
We find ourselves on the patio. Under the afternoon sun, no need for the heaters out here.
We both brought a blanket out to wrap up in, and I switched from Baileys and coffee to water hours ago.
Having Lou here has definitely taken the edge off today.
She has to leave soon to get Billy from school, and I’m getting nervous that the guys aren’t back yet.
None of them are answering their phones now, we’ve tried.
The low hum of a truck sounds, like it’s getting closer and closer to the house, and my heart rate picks up.
Lou and I eye each other, the same thought in our heads.
I can’t take the suspense. I hop up, letting the blanket around my shoulders fall.
I walk into the house and through the laundry room, hearing the garage door right before I have the chance to turn the knob.
I fling the door open, and Collins pulls in. I can’t see his face clearly enough from the reflection on the windshield but my heart is about to pound out of my chest.
The engine cuts off and he pops the door open and steps out. I just stand there, holding my breath until I see the look on his face.
He looks at me with relieved eyes and gives me a tired smile, rounding the truck and making his way toward me. I barely register Lou stepping into the garage as Collins reaches for me, pulling me into his arms and taking a deep breath, inhaling my hair.
“What happened? God, Collins, I’ve been a nervous wreck.”
He rubs my back, not letting me out of his hold. I back away and he reluctantly drops his arms to his sides. “Everything’s okay. I’m sorry I scared you. It’s all okay now, though.” He reaches up, tucking a rogue hair behind my ear.
“Did you see Lee?”
“No. I did not.”
My eyebrows furrow in turmoil.
“Tell me what happened. Where did you go? What have you been doing? Jesus, Collins, I was afraid you were going to kill him.”
He laughs, almost sardonically.
I’m about to question him further when he leans back against his truck, placing both hands behind him on the hood and crossing his ankles.
“Well, that was certainly a thought. But that’s a little hard to do…when he’s already dead.”