Thirteen
Thirteen
The living room is packed with people, and a group of freshmen huddle around a drink station the size of my bedroom. Tiffany was right: once we get inside, I feel watched and I curse her for dressing me like this.
“Would you like a drink?” Travis asks us. I had promised Alex that I would stay away from alcohol, but a little sip would be okay. It’s just what I need to take the edge off. “Um, yeah. I’ll go with you.”
“I’m gonna go find some people from my class. I’ll be waiting for you there whenever you want, gorgeous,” Tiffany tells me with an enigmatic smile.
As we wait our turn at the bar, I look around, a little disoriented. I know almost none of the people here. We are about to get our drinks when a guy comes over to us. “Hey, captain! You guys killed it today. Let me get you a drink.” He’s a classmate of Travis’s. I think his name is Adam. He takes Travis with him and drags him toward a small group of Econ students, Oregon’s future ruling class. My boyfriend throws me an innocent smile over his shoulder, as if to say, “sorry, can’t get out of this,” and I let him go because, deep down, I don’t really mind being on my own for a while.
I catch up with Tiffany as hip-hop music resounds in my ears. I chat for a while with her and her friends, sitting on a leather sofa. When the conversation turns to gossip about people I don’t know, I take the opportunity to go to the bathroom upstairs.
As I wait my turn, I press my legs together, trying to hold my bladder. When the door finally opens, a girl with messy blond hair emerges. Her lips are swollen, and her cheeks are flushed. She adjusts the hem of her dress, which clings to her slim, toned thighs, and gives a satisfied smile to me and the girl standing in front of me. The latter turns in my direction with a confused air, I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. Immediately afterward, a disheveled boy with eyes as green as the bottle in his hands comes out. My heart catches in my throat when I realize what just happened in that bathroom.
“Hey, stranger.” Thomas takes a sip of his beer, making his biceps strain against the tight fabric of his shirt. With his eyes half-closed and his head slightly tilted back, he looks me from head to toe in a manner so brazen that it makes me blush. But wasn’t he supposed to be at the frat party?
“Did you just do stuff in there?” I ask abruptly while the girl in front of me walks away with a disgusted grimace.
I don’t know what is bothering me more: the strange twinge of jealousy I feel or the small thrill I have at the realization that I’ve never done anything like this. Maybe Tiff has a point. Maybe, from time to time, I really should lose control and be more daring.
“I fucked her over the sink, if that’s what you mean.” Seeing my disgust, Thomas tilts his face to one side and looks at me with a small, obscene grin on his lips. “You wanna take a ride on the carousel yourself? The blond used up lot of my energy, but I still have a few tricks up my sleeve.”
“Thanks, but I wouldn’t be caught dead with you.”
“If you change your mind, you know where to find me.” He winks at me.
“If I change my mind, I’ll find my boyfriend,” I retort testily.
Flatly refusing to set foot in that bathroom, I decide to go to the one downstairs. Who cares if there is a huge line?
What an idiot! When I think about what I almost let him do this morning, I want to slap myself. I go back into the room and, through a window overlooking the garden, I spot Travis outside with his classmates. I slump onto an out-of-the-way love seat, and a gentle hand touches my shoulder. I look up and see Leila, green eyes rimmed with long lines of eyeliner, her hair pulled back in two French braids, and pink lipstick to finish the look.
“Hey, am I bothering you? I saw you sitting here all by yourself.” Despite Travis’s warning, my gut tells me that she can be trusted. I move a little to make room for her.
“No, go ahead and sit down. I didn’t even know you were here, I’m glad to see you.”
“A girl I know from class asked me to come with her, but she’s disappeared somewhere.”
“Are you having a good time? You look a little upset.”
“Other than the fact that I haven’t slept in days and I hate my roommate? I’d say I’m doing great,” she complains, collapsing into the cushions.
“What’s wrong with her?” I ask with a smirk.
“Every day she brings someone new to party in the room, and at night she snores so loud I want to throttle her.” She mimes strangulation with her hands. “Last night I was so tired that, at the umpteenth snore, I seriously thought about smothering her with a pillow.” We both burst out laughing. “I’m so exhausted, I could fall asleep right here,” she concludes, rubbing her face.
“I’m sorry, finding the right roommate is harder than you think. Hang in there, and if it doesn’t work out next year, you can always live off-campus,” I advise.
“I look forward to that day,” she says with a laugh.
We stand in silence for a while watching the crowd around us. They are yelling and dancing, completely consumed by the mixture of alcohol and the throbbing music.
“Do you do this often?” she asks me after a moment.
I look at her. “What?”
“Isolate yourself in a crowd.”
“Let’s just say this isn’t my scene.” I hug my arms against my body.
“Yeah, not mine either.” Leila stops talking for a few seconds, then continues, “Look, this might sound weird, but would you like to go upstairs with me? I was hoping to talk to you in private,” she adds, clearly agitated.
I follow her up the stairs, unsure of what to expect. We enter a room filled with antique furniture that clashes completely with the rest of the house.
“This is the guest room. Nobody ever comes in here, so we won’t be disturbed,” Leila explains.
“Have you been here before?”
“My brother knows the owner, and last year we came to some parties here.”
“Oh, I see.” I ignore the implied information about Thomas “knowing” Carol and turn my full attention to Leila. “Now, what did you want to talk to me about?” I ask, sitting on the edge of the bed.
Leila looks nervous. Very nervous. She keeps rubbing her hands together and biting the inside of her cheek. She tosses her gaze around as if looking for the words. “Okay, it’s not easy for me to say what I’m about to say, but you deserve to know.”
A flash of fear hits me right in the heart, and I begin to tremble. “I’m listening.”
Leila runs her hands over her braids, as if to check that they are in place, and takes a long, anguished breath. “The day we met at the gym, I lied to you. I told you that I didn’t know Travis, but that was a lie.”
“I figured,” I answer immediately in a cold voice.
She paces the room until she stops in front of me and looks at me. Ready to reveal everything. “You know that before I enrolled in college and had access to on-campus housing, I lived at Matt’s frat house in the room next to my brother’s for a year, right? That’s where, one evening this summer in mid-July, I met Travis. Matt was throwing another party; my brother was busy somewhere else. I was trying to stay locked in my room, but I kept hearing the noise from downstairs and the other rooms. You can imagine what they were up to. So, I went out to the backyard to sit undisturbed and write for a while, until this boy sat down next to me. I knew who he was because Travis always came to the frat parties and I had noticed him more than a few times. He’d never mentioned a girlfriend, though, and he didn’t that night either, so I always thought he was single.
“We got to talking about a lot of things. He seemed really interested in me, in what I had to say. So when he tried to kiss me a few hours later, I didn’t pull away. And I didn’t put on the brakes when he asked me to take him back to my room, where I made the terrible mistake of sleeping with him. It was my first time, and he knew it. My judgment was clouded by the emotions of the moment, but I didn’t realize that until it was too late.”
My blood runs cold as I stare into her eyes, unblinking. “And, sure enough, when I woke up the next morning, he was gone.” An unhappy laugh escapes her, and my heart crumbles into a thousand pieces. “I ran into Matt instead, and he knew what had happened right away. He was the one who told me Travis had a girlfriend. I was completely shattered. I promised myself I’d never tell my brother about it, because he would go berserk, but I couldn’t hide the pain I was in. When I finally spilled my guts, the inevitable happened. Thomas went looking for Travis all over Corvallis and, when he found him, there was nothing anyone could do. They got into a very heated and violent confrontation. Afterward, I made him swear that he’d never do anything that stupid again. It was only then that he really tried to listen to me, seeing how the whole thing had been terribly humiliating for me. All I wanted to do was forget. During the last two weeks of August, I jumped through hoops to avoid him, but I knew that all my efforts were wasted the moment I set foot on campus.”
My ears are ringing, and nausea washes over me.
“I didn’t want to go to college anymore, because I knew I would see him again in class, at games, in the cafeteria. Everywhere. The shame was more than I could handle. A few days before the start of the semester, I went to the admissions office to withdraw. But then I caught him flirting with these two freshmen, and something clicked in my head. The idea of him just continuing to live his life with no qualms infuriated me. In that moment, I decided that I wasn’t going to let him have any control over my life. So I started walking around campus with my head held high, going to the cafeteria and also to my brother’s practices. I refused to be afraid of his presence. If anything, he should have feared mine. But then fate played a dirty trick on me, when a girl with black hair and ash-gray eyes sat down beside me and introduced herself as the girlfriend of the bastard who had humiliated me.”
It’s like a hand is clenched around my heart, preventing me from breathing. My knees are shaking, and my hands… The world has fallen in on me. I cannot speak or think. Cold shivers run through my whole body. But I don’t cry. For once in my life, I don’t cry. I would like to cry, I desperately need it, to purge myself of all the disgust, pain, and anger I feel right now. But I can’t.
“Vanessa…” Leila’s voice rings faintly in my ear and pulls me from the trancelike state I’ve sunk into.
“I’m so sorry,” she says in a small voice, resting a hand on my knee. I hadn’t even realized she’d come over to me.
I get off the bed slowly, feeling that at any moment, a chasm might open up under my feet and swallow me down. But maybe I’m already in that chasm?
“Are you okay? Sorry, of course you aren’t okay.” She peers apprehensively at my blank face. “You’re starting to worry me. You’re really pale. Do you want a glass of water? Or do you want me to call someone?” Terrified, she pulls her phone from her pocket.
“No,” I reply, cold and impassive. I rub my temples, trying to process the information I have just heard. “I’m not okay at all.” I breathe slowly. “All of this is ridiculous, Leila. Travis would never do something like that. Yes, he’s not the best guy in the world, but he would never do that kind of thing, it’s too sleazy even for him. And I would have noticed,” I stammer, trying to convince myself. But a terrible doubt creeps into my mind: all those evenings spent at home alone… Travis always told me that his nights were taken up by practices, by his father…
“But he did do it,” she replies firmly.
“I don’t believe you.”
“Why would I lie to you?” I can read the disappointment on her face. She is hurt by my lack of trust. But she’s lying. She has to be lying. Travis warned me. He told me to be on my guard around her.
“I don’t know, Leila! But I-I-I would have known if it was…like that!” I bury my hands in my hair, panicking. “I would have known if he was cheating on me! I would have known it! You’re wrong, Leila. You’ve got it wrong.”
She grabs my wrists in an affectionate squeeze. “I know that it hurts. It wasn’t easy for me to tell you. It’s still an open wound. But I can assure you that it’s all true.” She stares intently into my eyes. And all I see in her gaze is honesty, which is what finally makes me break down.
I can’t breathe. “I have to—I have to go.” I brush past her and move to the door.
“Do you want me to go with you?” she asks, distressed.
“No.” I turn toward her. “Excuse me. Forgive me, truly. I just need to be alone right now.”
“I’m sorry,” I hear her murmur as I close the door behind me.
I hurry down the first few steps, not knowing where to go. Fate is mocking me, because I just happen to find Travis, standing at the bottom of the stairs. He spots me and climbs halfway up to me, but as he approaches something seems to ring alarm bells for him. I look into his eyes and, suddenly, I am fully aware that everything Leila has told me is true. All the times he has told me to stay away from her and Thomas, Matt’s phrase “you’re even now,” Leila’s glassy stare when she learned that Travis was my boyfriend… I understand it all now. The truth hits me like a gut punch.
“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Vanessa?” He says my name in an anguished whisper. He moves closer and caresses my cheek.
I push his hand away and slap him so hard that I feel a tingle all over my palm. Fortunately, the loud music covers the sound of the slap, and the psychedelic lights block the view of it from the other partygoers, who continue to enjoy themselves and drink as if nothing has happened.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he growls furiously, rubbing his cheek.
“You’ve been with Leila.” My tone of voice is so controlled that I almost don’t recognize myself. “And God only knows how many other people.”
“What? I already told you, no!” He hunches his shoulders, exasperated.
“That wasn’t a question,” I reply sharply.
Travis starts to answer but freezes up when Leila rushes to my side. He gives me a bewildered look. “Whatever she told you, it’s not…”
“Don’t,” I interrupt him. “Don’t you dare say a single word,” I hiss, full of hatred, narrowing my eyes.
“Someone had to tell her.” Leila gives him a contemptuous look. “But you’re so pathetic, you wouldn’t have gotten up the courage to do it even if I gave you a hundred years.” She walks past him and goes to the living room. I see her talking to a girl, and I head for the door.
“Vanessa, please let me explain,” Travis tries.
“You are the most despicable person I have ever met in my entire my life,” I spit in disgust. “It’s over. It’s over for good.”
I run down the last few steps with a lump in my throat, push through the crush, and get out of that hellish place.
As soon as I’m outside, I take a deep breath, inhaling the cool, damp night air. I find an isolated garden wall out back and collapse. It is only at this point that I, finally, burst into tears. I cry my eyes out, I cry out all my tears, all the pain I feel. And it hurts. It hurts like hell.
How could I have been so stupid? It’s all been right there in front of my face, but I refused to see it.
I go to the back porch and sit down on the first step. I wipe away my tears and realize that my makeup has smeared. Damn, that’s all I need. It takes me a few seconds but, when I finally calm down, a group of boys stagger past me in a cacophony of barely comprehensible words.
I recognize Thomas’s voice among them. I watch him walk away, but suddenly he turns to me with a confused expression, as if he didn’t recognize me at first. He reaches for me.
“Stranger,” he says, sitting down next to me with a beer in his hands. “What are you doing here?”
I let out an unhappy laugh as, slowly, the whole thing dawns on me. Thomas’s hatred of Travis…now it all makes sense. I shake my head, despondent.
“I’m reflecting on my life,” I say simply, lowering my gaze to the wet grass.
“Bullshit,” he snorts, lighting a cigarette.
“Bullshit?”
He takes a long drag, blows the smoke out of his mouth, and then turns to look at me. “Yeah. Bullshit. You, out here all alone, ‘reflecting on your life.’”
“Yeah… Maybe you’re right.” With unusual audacity, I grab the beer out of his hand and take a sip. “Are you leaving?”
I gesture with the neck of the bottle to the group of guys he came in with, who left a moment ago and are waiting for him a few feet away.
He nods, then glances at Carol’s house behind our backs. “My sister just went back to campus with her classmate, so I’ve got no reason to stay. Let’s go tear it up at Matthew’s.”
“Don’t do anything you’ll regret,” I taunt, bumping his shoulder.
“But that’s the whole reason we’re going,” he replies with a teasing smile that makes me embarrassed.
I hand him back the bottle, and, without taking his eyes off me, he downs the rest of it in one gulp. He puts his lips in the exact same spot where mine had been. My heart begins to beat at a manic pace. It’s absurd how Thomas manages to provoke such an intense reaction in just a few moments. He senses this and gives me a sly smile. Then he stands up, leaving an empty space beside me that suddenly makes me feel lonely.
I offer a weak smile, sure it’s time to say goodbye. Against my every prediction, however, Thomas plants himself in front of me and scrutinizes me carefully. “What’s up?” I ask, my voice cracking.
“Come with me.”
My heart hammers in my chest. “What?”
“Would you rather sit here, on a filthy porch step, surrounded by spoiled brats and feeling sorry for yourself?”
“I don’t know…”
“I won’t ask you again. So get up off that cute little ass of yours and come with me.” He holds out his hand, waiting for me to take it.
“You think I have a nice ass?” I blurt out automatically, and I instantly regret it.
“I would happily fuck it,” he says cheekily. I goggle at him and curse myself for asking that inappropriate question in the first place. He laughs and shakes his head, while I feel my cheeks blazing with shame. “So are you coming or not?”
Hesitantly, I lower my gaze to Thomas’s tattooed hand stretched out toward me. Faced with the mischievous glint in his eyes, I am overwhelmed by a rush of adrenaline. And in a moment of madness, I choose to listen to Tiffany. I choose to dare. To break the rules. I choose to sweep away rationality and surrender to instinct.
To hell with Travis, to hell with everything.
I clasp his hand and, in a snap, he pulls me to my feet, just inches from his face, causing our bodies to collide. With his thumb, he traces the contour of my lower lip, and I can’t seem to draw any air into my lungs. “Excellent choice, stranger,” he murmurs lasciviously, before pressing a kiss to the corner of my mouth and sending shivers down my spine. I smile nervously at him, and a moment later, Thomas drags me away.