Sixteen
Sixteen
The meeting with my reading group at the library energizes me. We choose the novel we’ll read this month and sketch out a meeting schedule; I am happy to have a small space where I can talk about books. I also manage to borrow a charger for my phone. When it finally turns on, I see calls from Travis, texts from Alex, and, with perfect timing, I get a new notification from Tiffany: In the garden, ten minutes. We need to talk.
Damn, I was hoping for a clean escape, but apparently I’m due a full-blown lecture for walking out of the party, sending her one vague message, and then disappearing all night. In retrospect, I realize that it was pretty irresponsible of me.
When I get to the garden, I look for her among the picnic tables, and a copper-colored head of hair immediately catches my attention. I head for her but as soon as I see that Alex is right next to her, I turn pale. What is he doing here? Isn’t he supposed to be with Stella?
Oh God, I don’t have the guts to tell Alex that Travis wasn’t just the asshole he had always thought but was actually much worse. I definitely don’t have the guts to tell him that I got nearly blackout drunk and ended up sleeping with Thomas. The very same guy he had warned me about and I had reassured him, telling him he should trust my judgment. Instinctively I take a step back, trying to slip away, but Tiffany’s voice pulls me back.
Damn!
I squeeze my eyes shut and turn around slowly. My friend waves her arm to get my attention. I smile at her through gritted teeth and, resigned, I walk over to them.
“Heeeey, hi,” I murmur, tense as a violin string.
“Hi, my ass,” Tiffany immediately interrupts me. “What the hell happened last night?! Do you have any idea how I felt when I read your message and found out that not only were you no longer at the party, but you weren’t even reachable! I didn’t know who you were with, where you were, why you ran away!”
“And do you have any idea how scared I was when Tiffany called me in a total panic asking me if I had heard from you and, guess what, I hadn’t?” Alex adds in a stern voice.
I bend my head and cover my face with my hands, then take a big breath and say, “Guys, I’m really sorry for worrying you, it was wrong of me. But everything happened so fast that I didn’t even think about it. I was safe, though. I wrote you just to let you know that you shouldn’t worry. I was at Matt’s,” I confess, leaving out the small detail of Thomas’s presence.
“At Matt’s? What were you doing there?”
“Well, I…” I look from Alex to Tiffany, ready to tell them everything, when just a few feet away I see a furious Travis approaching.
My stomach churns, and that familiar nauseous feeling returns to keep me company. Why is he here?
He catches up with just a few long strides, and I begin to tremble. “Where have you been? I spent the whole night trying to call you!” he thunders, making us all gasp. “I asked everyone about you, but no one knew where you’d gone!” He pauses, waiting for an answer that he will not get from me. “I was about to call the police, or, even worse, your mother. You can thank Tiffany for holding me back!”
“Travis, calm down,” his sister interjects in my defense. But it’s time for me to speak up. They need to know the truth.
“Do you really have the nerve to come here and lecture me?” I burst out, gathering my courage.
“I was worried!” He gives me a look that burns with anger. Worried… What a hypocrite. He must not have been so worried when he was slithering into another girl’s bed.
“I can take care of myself. And, for your information, I was at your frat house,” I reply in a scornful tone.
“You’re kidding,” is all he says, as if refusing to believe me. He lets out a deep sigh and starts pacing. Tiffany makes to approach me, when Travis spits out all his vitriol, “You ran off to go to some stoner party? That’s insane. No, it’s stupid. That’s what you are, an idiot!”
The swollen vein in his neck throbs, his eyes blazing with anger.
“Hey! Watch your mouth!” Alex insists, approaching him cautiously.
“Yeah, Trav, calm down,” his sister urges him.
Travis scrubs a hand over his face and takes another deep breath. “Why did you go there?”
“Oh, were you hoping I would stay at Carol’s with you after what I found out? Or maybe you thought I’d go home and cry like a heartbroken little girl?”
“Okay, be straight with us now. Travis, what did you do?” interjects Tiffany.
“Yeah, I’d like to know too,” Alex backs her up.
“Stay out of it!” Travis snaps, glaring at me. Oh, no. He’s not getting off that easy. Not anymore.
“What happened is that, last night, I found out that Travis has been cheating on me all along! He even lied and tricked an innocent girl, Leila! That’s what happened.”
“Travis, tell me she’s joking,” his sister begs him, stunned. I hear Alex curse through gritted teeth.
“No…” He struggles to speak, rubbing his pale face with both hands.
“Do you still have the nerve to speak to me? To show up here, face me, and make a scene like this?” I wipe a tear away from my cheekbone and make to leave. Travis steps in front of me, blocking my way.
“Move aside!” I try to push past him, but he stops me.
“Nessy…” He tries to put his hands on my shoulders, but Alex doesn’t let him. He stands up and shields me with his arm.
“You’d better leave,” Alex commands, without any niceties.
“Now,” Tiffany agrees in a glacial tone.
“Mind your own fucking business. This doesn’t concern you!” Travis growls, out of control.
“What happened to you?” Tiffany turns a disappointed gaze on her brother. “It’s getting worse every day. I don’t even recognize you anymore.” But Travis is so caught up in his rage that he’s not listening to her.
“It’s not like that, Nessy. You know I never wanted to hurt you.” He takes a step toward me, and I freeze.
“You never loved me, Travis. It was just convenient for you to have someone easy to control. Someone stupid enough to let herself be fooled, someone who would believe whatever lies you told. Well, my eyes are open now.”
“I made a mistake, but we can overcome it together.” He moves as if to touch me, but I push his hand back. I see my friends tense up, ready to intervene. And that’s when I snap to attention. My stomach clenches as though trapped in a vise, and an intoxicating scent envelops me. I don’t need Travis’s furious expression to tell me who the person behind me is; I know it from the adrenaline that courses through my veins. From the unmistakable scent that has lingered around me all night long, infused in the shirt I’m still wearing. I can feel it on my skin.
It is Thomas who stops beside me, crossing his arms over his chest. The tension he exudes passes through my body like an electric current.
“Is there a problem here?” His icy voice resonates in the space between us, and a shiver of fear runs down my spine.
His presence will only make things worse. And he knows it. Maybe that’s exactly why he’s here; to needle Travis, and fully relish his defeat. I tilt my head and glare at him, as if to say, “What the hell did you come here for?” But he doesn’t reciprocate. His whole attention is on Travis. He stares straight into his eyes.
“Everything’s fine. You can go,” I say hastily, doing my best not to stutter. I really don’t need to witness a second fight between these two.
“What the fuck do you want?” Travis snaps after a moment of hesitation.
“She doesn’t want you to touch her, asshole.” Thomas inches toward him, and I instinctively block him, grabbing him by the arm.
Travis shifts his sharp gaze to me. “Are you going to let him defend you now?”
“I’m not letting anyone defend me!”
“Then explain why I’m looking at him right now!”
“I don’t know!”
“You sure? Because I’m beginning to understand,” he says mockingly.
Panic takes over my body.
Travis looks at Thomas and then immediately back at me, staring at me pensively for what feels like the longest second of my life. Something in his face changes, as if he has just solved a riddle. “You’ve really hit rock bottom, haven’t you?”
“Excuse me?”
“You let this asshole fuck you!” he shouts in front of everyone with a disgusted grimace on his face, and I am paralyzed.
“Travis, you’re out of your mind!” Tiffany lashes out at her brother, yanking him back roughly.
“What is he talking about, Vanessa?” asks Alex, baffled.
“N-no…” My voice shakes, and I pray that Thomas doesn’t embarrass me in front of everyone.
“Do you think I’m stupid? You’re wearing his shirt! I spent the night worrying about you, and you were hooking up with him? I can’t believe it.” Travis runs a hand over his face, red with anger. “Did you want to be one of his whores or were you just looking for someone experienced so you could work on your subpar skills?” he rants hatefully. My heart skips a beat. My tears well up, blurring my vision.
“You are such a son of a bitch.” Thomas is about to lunge at him, but Alex gets between them in time to avert catastrophe.
“Everyone, calm down,” he orders sharply. “Vanessa, you’re leaving with us now.” He takes my hand gently, as if I were some delicate crystal ornament ready to crumble at his touch. And he keeps talking, giving Travis a threatening look. “From now on, you will stay away from her. And you are done mocking her.” Travis is motionless. I know him well enough to realize that he is repentant. But I won’t let him manipulate me again.
“You are such a disappointment,” Tiffany whispers, with tears in her eyes. It is so rare to see her cry.
“Okay, guys, show’s over!” shouts Alex irritably, addressing the students who have crowded into the garden. Then he leads me away, while Tiffany wraps an arm around my shoulder.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t think it would go that far.” She holds me tightly and I lean on her shoulder as I try to push back the tears and soothe the pain and shame that I feel.
But we don’t make it to the exit before Thomas comes after us. Alex and Tiffany turn their heads in surprise, and I can’t help but wonder why he keeps following me. Why can’t he just leave me alone?
Alex stands between me and him and puts his hand on Thomas’s chest. In response, Thomas looks down at the other boy’s fingers. “Move it,” he orders with a clenched jaw.
“Vanessa doesn’t need any more messed-up people in her life,” my friend says, but Thomas is not even listening. His green eyes are fixed on me and they scrutinize me intently. “She’ll be fine,” Alex adds, sensing his thoughts. “We’re with her, her friends. Her family. She doesn’t need anything else,” he concludes.
“You done?” Thomas silences him with a raised eyebrow. “Now move over.”
“No, dude, I know your game, and I’m not letting you do it.”
Alex is immovable.
“Fine, I’ll bite: what’s my ’game’?” Thomas crosses his arms over his chest, looking down at him.
“You took advantage of her at her weakest moment. Low, even for someone like you.”
“Alex, it wasn’t like that…” I put my hand on my friend’s shoulder to calm him down. If there is anyone to blame for last night, it’s me.
“Don’t defend him, Vanessa!” Alex exclaims, turning to me. “We all know what kind of guy he is.”
“I didn’t make her do anything she didn’t want to do,” Thomas replies through gritted teeth, anger glimmering in his eyes.
“Guys, can you give us a couple of minutes alone, please?” I ask, looking from Tiffany to Alex.
“No,” Alex snaps, never taking his eyes off Thomas.
“Alex, it didn’t go the way you’re thinking, believe me. Thomas didn’t do anything wrong. Really.”
“Come on, let’s give them a minute,” Tiffany urges him. I owe her a huge thank you. Alex takes a deep breath as they walk away. I walk in the direction of an isolated tree while Thomas, beside me, seems to have calmed down.
“What do you want?”
He shoots me a worried look. “I want to make sure that the shit that idiot said didn’t stick in your paranoid little brain and convince you that he’s right.”
I hesitate for a few seconds, but then I have to admit it. “Of course he’s right.”
He shakes his head in resignation. “What we did last night does not make you somehow in the wrong.”
“Are you sure?” I dump my bag at the foot of the tree. “Can you really say that all the girls you slept with weren’t subsequently labeled ‘easy’ solely because they had been with you?” His prolonged silence is telling. “Yeah. That’s what I thought.”
“It doesn’t matter what other people say. All that matters is what you think!”
I almost envy him; he is so sure of himself and he doesn’t fear the judgment of others. I, on the other hand, have to struggle with my own harsh self-assessment every day before I even try to face the outside world.
“The thing is, Thomas, ‘what I think’ is not that different! And I know that it’s hard for someone like you to understand. You change girls as often as you change your underwear, but for me it’s not that simple!”
“Then make it simple and ignore the judgments of people who don’t matter.”
“Ugh, never mind, I give up! Instead, why don’t you explain to me what you came here to do? Didn’t we just establish that we were going to keep our distance from one another? Instead, you keep tormenting me.” I can feel myself losing my patience.
Thomas’s face wrinkles in surprise. “I torment you?”
“If you hadn’t caught up with us, Travis wouldn’t have suspected anything! So thank you, thank you so much! I hope my public humiliation has served your purpose!” I throw the accusation at him, my thoughts and feelings a confused whirl.
“My purpose?”
“It’s obvious, Thomas, stop pretending. You’ve been dying to tell Travis about us from the moment I agreed to go with you to the frat house, admit it!” Saying it out loud severs the last tether on my temper and, moved by an anger that I cannot control, I shove him.
“That’s not what I did,” Thomas replies, unflappable.
“Only because you chose to be cunning, to play it underhandedly. Just us being seen together would have been enough to make people suspicious. You know, maybe everyone is right, maybe you are just a selfish asshole who doesn’t give a shit about anyone else!” I explode, angry as I have never been before.
My words land hard. Suddenly, though, something in his gaze changes, and it sends a chill through me. His eyes become hostile and he takes deep, short breaths, like a bull before a red cape. He approaches me slowly, looming over me with his height, and then touches my chin with his thumb. I swallow and stiffen before this seemingly gentle touch, in such sharp contrast to the menacing look on his face.
“You think you’re so much better than me, don’t you?” His voice is low and intimidating. “You’re right, I’m not afraid of what I am. I enjoy life, I fuck whomever I want, and I don’t give a damn about the judgment of fake moralists. You, on the other hand… You put up this front as a good girl, hiding your true self even from yourself because you are incapable of accepting what you really are. Well, I’ll let you in on a secret.” He comes close to my ear, and my heart rate increases. “That doesn’t make you honest or respectable, Vanessa.” He looks me in the eye again, annihilating me with a glance. “It just makes you a fucking hypocrite,” he says bitterly.
Thomas’s words cut me to the core, but, drawing on an inner strength I didn’t know I had, I force myself to keep my guard up.
“Who do you think you are to talk to me like that?”
“Who do you think you are to judge me?”
My God, my head is going to explode.
“You know what? I’m not surprised that this is so difficult for you to get your head around. I mean, your whole life revolves around two things: fuck and run. No one expects anything else from you; it’s who you are and you’ve never made any secret of it, it’s true. But that’s nowhere near who I am. That’s why I don’t I want to be around you and that’s why I was running away this morning. Because I deeply regret having made such a mistake. Don’t confuse hypocrisy with awareness!” I burst out. I leave him there, just as furious as I am. And as I walk back to Alex and Tiffany, with anger blurring my vision, it only takes me a few moments of clarity to realize what I have just done: I vented all the frustration and pain I felt about Travis onto Thomas. I said terrible things to him, which I didn’t really mean, just to hurt him. I was mean, and I’m ashamed of that. Seized by a profound feeling of guilt, I turn around, ready to go back and apologize, but there is no longer any trace of him.