Twenty
Twenty
I wake up tucked between sheets infused with Thomas’s scent, but Thomas himself is gone. A wave of disappointment sweeps over me, especially when I notice the note left on the pillow next to mine. Got out before the bloodhound woke up. See you around.
I bite my lip nervously; did he really just blow me off with a note? I cannot believe it. I crumple up the paper, get out of bed, and toss it angrily in the trash can. Go to hell, Thomas.
After a nice hot shower, the smoky smell of bacon from the kitchen draws me downstairs, where I find my mother navigating the stove.
“Good morning, dear. Did you sleep well?” she asks, loading a plate with two slices of bacon and some scrambled eggs. “I’ve prepared you a breakfast rich in fats and carbohydrates to start the week off right.” She hands me the plate and invites me to sit down at the table to eat.
“Thank you,” I reply, softened by the gesture.
She smiles at me. She pours a cup of coffee and hands that to me as well. “Here, how long until your first class?”
“An hour, but with the bus ride, I have to leave in fifteen minutes,” I answer her, sipping the coffee.
“Victor is picking me up today, so I can leave you the car if you want.”
“Oh, thanks.” She takes the keys out of her purse and leaves them on the kitchen counter, next to the fruit basket. Right where Thomas had sat yesterday. Great, now this house is full of things and places that will always make me think of him. And it’s absurd to feel so torn up over someone I’ve barely known for such a short time.
“Good, now I have to run.” She turns to leave but stops in the doorway. “Ah, one last thing: the next time Travis sleeps over, tell him there’s no need for him to sneak out in the middle of the night. It’s not like he’s never stayed with us before.” She disappears upstairs with a sardonic smirk, leaving me speechless.
Before starting class, I stop by the cafeteria in the student union to meet Alex for our usual 8:30 coffee. The atmosphere, however, is almost gloomy. Which is unusual. Stella’s departure must have robbed Alex of his usual good humor.
“Have you heard from Travis again?” he asks after interminable minutes of silence in which we both do nothing but stare blankly at an indefinite spot on the table. We really look like a pair of depressives.
“I blocked his number. Just the thought of hearing from him makes my stomach turn. I hope for his sake I don’t cross paths with him; I can’t be held accountable for my actions.”
“If he’s smart, he’ll know to stay away from you.”
“In any case, Tiffany assured me her brother wasn’t going to be my problem anymore.” Speaking of problems, mine has just entered the cafeteria in the company of Shana. The way he loops his arm around her waist immediately triggers my anger. I can’t help but think about those hands which, less than six hours ago, were on my body, holding me, wanting me… It’s enough to make me cry.
I feel the urgent need to flee. I stand up, trying to hide how upset I am, and ask Alex to walk with me to my next class. I know I won’t be able to get away from Thomas forever, though, because I am headed right for philosophy. My friend intuits the source of my upset, but he doesn’t say anything; he merely accompanies me down the hallway.
I take my usual seat in the front row and wait for the professor. Ten minutes later, the classroom is beginning to fill up, and Thomas sidles up next to me. The nerve of this guy.
“Hello again, stranger. Same place, same time.” He smiles. As soon as he notices that I have no intention of responding to him, his enthusiasm wanes. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him scrutinizing me carefully. “What’s the matter with you?”
“Leave me alone, Thomas,” I say in a clipped voice with my gaze fixed on my already-open notes. But his proximity gets on my nerves. “Hey, is that seat free?” I ask a blond guy in the third row. A pair of blue eyes give me a perplexed look, but then the boy smiles at me. I realize suddenly that he’s the same guy who said hello to me in the stands before the basketball game. How had I never noticed him in this class before?
“Yes, of course. Come here.”
I gather all my things and change seats.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Thomas grips my wrist tightly, but I manage to wriggle out of it.
“Nothing,” I lie. “Everything is just fine.”
I sit down next to the blond boy and position everything I need on the desk in my usual maniacal order.
“Nice to meet you, I’m Logan.”
“No one asked you, dumbass,” Thomas says testily, turning in our direction.
I lean forward and glare at him. Logan starts, caught off guard. “Ignore him,” I tell my new neighbor, who listens and turns back to me. “And I’m Vanessa.” I smile at him.
“Yes, I know who you are, but this is the first time you’ve ever spoken to me. We had a class together last year, but you never even said hello.”
I am embarrassed by the implicit accusation.
“Damn, sorry. Please forgive me. Believe it or not, I don’t talk to a lot of people. But that’s not a you-problem, it’s a me-problem.” I shake his hand. “Nice to meet you, I’m Vanessa. The most awkward and introverted person on the face of the earth. Sorry again,” I babble begging for forgiveness with my eyes.
“Of course, don’t worry about it, it’s not like you’re the only one.” He smiles shyly. “But, if the guilt is eating you alive, you can always make it up to me with lunch, maybe in the cafeteria? How about that?”
I’m about to agree but Thomas interrupts us. “Shit, your pickup game is mind-blowing. What are you gonna do now? Slip her a note that says ‘do you like me? Check yes or no?’”
I am flabbergasted.
“Please, pardon me. In fact, pardon him,” I say, turning to Logan. When I realize that Thomas is still looking at me, I snap, “What the hell do you want?”
“Why did you move?” he asks angrily.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you two are…uh…together,” Logan says awkwardly.
“We’re not together,” we answer in unison. At least we agree on something.
“Clark, Fallon, and Collins? If it is not too much of an imposition, I would like to start class,” Professor Scott chides us, having just made his entrance.
I clam up, purple with shame. This is the first time I have ever been reprimanded by a professor. Logan smiles reassuringly at me. Thomas seems unfazed. He gets up and joins us. “You, find another seat. I have an issue to resolve,” he orders, standing behind Logan.
I place a hand on Logan’s arm and insist, “No. Stay here.”
Thomas looks at my hand clasped around the blond boy’s forearm. He shifts his angry gaze back to Logan, who is now visibly uncomfortable. “I’m not going to tell you again,” he threatens him, furious. I see Logan turn pale.
“Vanessa, listen, maybe it’s better if I—” he murmurs, but I don’t let him finish his sentence.
“He. Stays. Here.” I turn to Thomas challengingly. We glare at one another for a handful of seconds, each of us waiting for the other to give in. Between us sits Logan wishing, I’m sure, that he was anywhere else right now.
“Miss Clark, outside,” Professor Scott declares.
“Excuse me?” I ask incredulously.
“Get out of my classroom right now.”
I can’t believe it. I’ve just gotten kicked out of class because of this idiot!
“Thanks so much!” I whisper sourly as I get up.
I leave the classroom and am about to walk down the hallway when I hear the professor’s muffled voice, “Collins, where are you going?”
I don’t believe it.
I walk as fast as I can, hoping to lose him.
“Ness!” I hear him shout as I head out of the building, but I don’t turn around and continue walking briskly. “Will you fucking stop?”
He catches up to me and grabs me by the arm, forcing me to look at him.
“Do you realize this is the second time this week you’ve ruined a class for me?” I shout, smacking him on the shoulder with the notebook I was holding tightly in my hand.
“Fuck the class. You wanna tell me what’s going on with you?”
“I could ask you the same question! You were so rude to Logan for no reason!”
“You left me no alternative,” he says with an unruffled air that enrages me.
“Just because I didn’t want to be near you?”
“No, because you keep acting like an immature child! Instead of running away, tell me what the problem is.”
I’m immature? That’s rich, coming from him.
“There is no problem.” I snort, ignoring the insult, and trying to wriggle out of his grip. But Thomas won’t let me escape.
“You sat next to Logan so you wouldn’t have to talk to me. So I’ll ask you one more time: What is the problem?”
“You seriously don’t know?” He doesn’t answer. “For as long as I have known you, you have done nothing but mess with my head. First you play nice with me, then you say you don’t like me. You defend me to Travis and then you call me pathetic. You show up at my house, we have sex, you make arrangements to meet another girl, and then you disappear in the middle of the night without a word, leaving a lousy little note that says see you around . You’ll see me around? Really, Thomas? And, to end this farce on a high note, I see you wrapped around some other girl like I don’t exist,” I yell. I realize too late that we have attracted the attention of some nearby students. Perfect.
“And that’s your problem?” He seems surprised and annoyed at the same at the same time.
“My problem is that I don’t understand you!” I lash out, a twinge of pain in my temples warning me to calm down. After taking a deep breath, I look at him. “What game are you playing, Thomas?”
He runs a hand through his hair, as if struggling to get his thoughts in order. “No game.”
“Then what do you want from me? You keep hanging around me but you won’t ever stay for good.”
“I don’t know,” he confesses in a half-whisper.
“You don’t know? Really?” I shake my head bitterly and make to leave, but he stops me.
“No, Ness, I don’t know.” He takes a deep breath. “When I’m with you… I do things I shouldn’t do.”
“What things? Running away in the middle of the night? Or using me as a sexual release valve, like I’m one of your bimbos?”
My voice cracks but I force myself not to cry.
“What was I supposed to do? You were terrified that your mother would find me there. I only did what you asked me to. And I didn’t use you as a release valve. Need I remind you that you were the one who got off?”
“You made me feel used, Thomas. I shared a piece of myself with you and, just a few hours after you slipped out of my bed, you had no problem at all showing up here with Shana! How am I supposed to feel?”
Thomas bites his lip and looks around nervously. It seems like he’s about to say something, but then his expression changes, hardens. It is an expression I have never seen on his face before, and it doesn’t bode well.
“Showing up at your house was a mistake. Forget about it. Pretend that never happened.”
What…
“Forget?” I repeat in a broken voice, trying to choke down the lump I feel in my throat.
“Yeah, this thing between you and me.” He moves a hand between me and himself. “You’re acting like a jealous fucking girlfriend, but you’re not. I’m not with you, I fucked you a couple of times, and we had fun. But that’s all it was!”
I remain stunned by his words as I feel tears welling up. I back away, incredulous, deeply humiliated, ashamed, and hurt once again.
After a moment of bewilderment at my brimming eyes, Thomas seems to sadden. He takes a step toward me, reaching to take my hands, but I shy away from him.
“You told me yesterday that you don’t want to be compared to Travis, but the truth is, you’re not that different from him.” I blink rapidly, trying to chase away the tears. “From now on, stay away from me.” I turn to leave and, as I walk away, I’m no longer able to hold back the tears. I feel like the dumbest person in the world. How could I misunderstand his intentions so grievously? Had I really believed that an insecure, bookish, awkward girl like me would be able to capture his attention? Yes. For a tiny fraction of a second, last night, lying on my bed with him beside me… I had believed it. But I was wrong. I shouldn’t have done any of the things I did with him. I knew what he was like from the beginning. I knew I was just a dalliance for him. That whole thing about wanting to know me, it was pure fiction. It was all part of his game…
I run past the campus buildings with tears blurring my vision. I get into the Toyota and, when I finally manage to stop weeping, I start the car. I park in the driveway, enter the house, close the door behind me, and slump against it. The silence in the empty room is broken only by my sobs, which I no longer try to hold back. I put my hands in my hair and cry, disappointed in my own naivete. As soon as I manage to calm down, I go take a shower and then throw myself on the couch, not even making an effort to assemble a lunch. When my mother comes home around five o’clock, I beg off with an excuse about studying and lock myself in my room.
But I don’t have the wherewithal to actually study, preferring to continue reading Pride and Prejudice . I reach out to the bedside table but…it’s not there. That is where I left it, though. Mom must have put it away in the bookcase when she was dusting. I don’t have time to go over to the shelf before the sound of the doorbell makes me jump.
What fresh hell is this?
I run down the stairs so I can answer the door before my mother does. I find Logan standing on the front stoop, with an awkward smile on his face.
“Um…hey, Vanessa,” he greets me.
“Hi, Logan,” I say, equally embarrassed and surprised at this unexpected visit.
“I thought I should bring you the notes from today’s lecture, if that would be useful,” he says sweetly, handing me a USB stick.
“Oh, thank you very much. I meant to ask someone for notes. I also meant to apologize to you for the scene. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time—you didn’t do anything wrong,” I explain uncomfortably.
“Don’t worry, it’s Thomas Collins. What can you expect? Even though, at one point, I did think both of you were about to blow up.”
I put on a fake smile, but I just want to sink into the floor. “Well, in any case, I do apologize on his behalf. And thanks again, for the notes,” I repeat, hoping to dismiss him.
“No problem. You know…” He rubs a finger over his eyebrow, self-conscious. “I was thinking, if you wanted, we could get coffee one of these days?”
“Vanessa, is everything okay over there?” My mother’s voice breaks in from the kitchen, saving me from further awkwardness. “Dinner’s ready!”
“Um, I have to go now, Logan. See you in class, thanks again!” I say in a hurry. I don’t have time to close the door before my mother appears behind me, looming.
“Who was that, honey?”
“A classmate. I had to give him some notes,” I lie.
“Mmhmm, I see. And does Travis know that your classmates are showing up at your house and inviting you for coffee?” she asks me as we head back into the kitchen.
“You shouldn’t eavesdrop.” I sit down at the table and nibble on a piece of bread. Mom brings over two plates of macaroni and cheese and sits down across from me. “And with Travis…” I leave the sentence hanging, wondering if I should talk to her about it now. Knowing her, she will flip out when she hears about our breakup. I trust, though, that when I tell her why, she’ll finally understand what kind of guy he was.
“Did something happen? Did you have a fight?”
I take a deep breath and silently pray that my mother will be reasonable for once. “You’re not going to like what I’m about to tell you,” I warn her in a trembling voice. I take a pause before letting it all out in one big breath. “It’s over.” I gasp for breath, as though there’s been a brick lying on my chest all this time, and I’ve finally pushed it off.
“What, dear?” she asks, perplexed.
“Between Travis and me,” I add, looking her in the eye. “It’s over.”
A stony silence settles over us. “What did you say?”
“You heard me,” I reply, trying not to be intimidated.
She stares at me in disbelief. Then she shakes her head, twisting one corner of her mouth. “Don’t joke.”
“I’m not, I’m serious.”
“You can’t,” she says, setting her fork down on her plate.
“That bastard cheated on me, Mom,” I explain. She just keeps looking at me, lost, panic in her eyes. “He lied and cheated on me,” I repeat. “He seduced a girl just to use her for one night.”
My mother blinks, as though awakening from a deep sleep. “What are you talking about? Travis is a good boy. He comes from a very respectable family; he would never do something like that!” she says, putting her hands on her hips with an accusatory look.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. It was a shock to me too.”
“What you’re saying is impossible, he must have been under the influence of alcohol, maybe those troublemaker friends of his peer-pressured him.”
I wrinkle my forehead. “What movie are you making up in your head? He was completely lucid. And, even if he had been drinking, how can you justify something like that?” I shout, slamming my fist on the table.
My mother won’t stop babbling. “Honey, listen.” She runs her hands over her face, as if trying to organize her train of thought. That train has been off the rails for a while now. “I know that you are in shock and hurting a lot right now, but think about this for a minute… You can’t throw away two beautiful years over one momentary mistake.”
I look at her, dumbfounded. “He disrespected me constantly, cheated on me regularly, and tricked an innocent girl into sleeping with him only to disappear the next morning!”
“Vanessa, did you consider for even a second that he might have been going through a difficult time? You know he’s under so much pressure, you’ve never been able to fully understand it. He must have felt so lost. You can’t condemn him for that.”
I am struck speechless. So this is my fault now?
“You…you…you’re crazy, Mom! Of course I can condemn him. In fact, that’s exactly what I did. I left him. It’s over! I have no intention of ever going through what you went through with Dad!” I get up, turn on the faucet, fill a glass with water, and drain it all in one go.
“Vanessa, if you allow pride and anger to win out over the bond that you two share, you will end up regretting it bitterly. Do you really think you’ll get another chance like this again?”
My eyes widen in disgust. “You know what, Mom?” I slam the glass down furiously on the kitchen counter and turn to look at her. “I knew this news would upset you. I knew that you would go into a rage and that you would do your damnedest to change my mind. But—and who knows why?—a part of me actually believed that, confronted by the enormous lack of respect that boy showed your daughter, you would have understood and supported me for once! But I was stupid to think that, because the only thing that matters to you is money!”
“Vanessa!” she scolds me.
“No, Mom, don’t ‘Vanessa’ me! You have made up this idea of him that has nothing to do with reality, but we all know why you did it. He has something the others don’t, doesn’t he? Ten figures in the bank! And that is more than enough for you. Who cares if your daughter is demeaned, humiliated and betrayed! What really matters is that she marries a billionaire who will lock her up in his luxurious golden mansion where she can live the most miserable existence in human history! But, hey, she’ll be able to do it surrounded by caviar and champagne!” I take a breath. “You can put your mind at ease. Travis and I broke up days ago, and I have no intention of going back, not now or ever!”
“D-days ago?” she starts. “Then who was in your room last night?”
I swallow with difficulty as I stare at her with wide eyes.
“Leave me alone, it’s all over anyway!” I spit. I leave the kitchen without giving her a chance to say anything else. I run to my room and shut myself in. I turn the lock and throw myself onto the bed. With my head sunk into the pillow, I burst into my second inconsolable crying jag of the day.