Thirty
Thirty
When we try to return to the others, we find that the truth-or-dare group has disbanded. In our absence, the party seems to have gotten into full swing; everyone is tipsy. We go out and find Tiffany and Alex by the pool. They both give me we’ll talk about this later looks. I smile weakly.
Thomas sits on a small patio sofa and lights a cigarette with all the ease in the world, as if we hadn’t just spent the last ten minutes lusting after each other, tearing into each other, and then… I don’t know. I couldn’t even define it. Whatever it is though, it’s still turning my mind upside down.
I drop into a vacant chair a few feet away from him. A girl with an inflatable pumpkin under her arm suggests we get in the pool. Everyone else seems enthusiastic, but I’m feeling extremely anxious at the idea of getting undressed in front of all these people.
Thomas stands up and, in a matter of seconds, has taken off his shoes, jeans, and sweatshirt, remaining in just a pair of blue Bermuda shorts, which put his sculpted, tattoo-covered midsection on full display. Wait a minute, are those nipple piercings? Those are new, right? The last time I saw him without a shirt on, he definitely didn’t have them. My God, that’s somehow even sexier.
“Done drooling, Ness?” asks the absurdly overconfident man in front of me.
“W-what?” I stutter, trying to shake the dopey look off my face.
“You should know by now: I’m a shy and insecure boy. You can’t stare at me like that, I’ll be intimidated.”
“I was just looking at your piercings, stupid. Did they hurt?” I babble, feigning indifference.
“I felt them. But that’s the downside of beautiful things: they hurt.” He smiles crookedly at me. “Come on, I want to see you darting through the water like a minnow.”
“Um, to be honest, I don’t really feel like getting wet right now.” I lower my gaze to my nails, worrying at my cuticles.
“Didn’t seem that way a few minutes ago,” he answers mischievously, without an ounce of shame.
I turn purple in a split second. “Thomas!” I scold, throwing the first empty plastic bottle I see at him. It hits him on the shoulder, and he bursts out laughing. He leans over me and rests the palms of his large hands on my thighs. It is fascinating to watch the contrast of my pale flesh with his own completely tattooed skin. “Come on, don’t make me beg.”
“I won’t. Just go, I’ll stay here. Besides, this—”
Before I can finish my sentence, I find myself hanging upside down over Thomas’s shoulder.
“No, Thomas, let me go!” I slap his back wildly, but all it gets me are his fingers tickling my side. I try not to, but finally I cannot help laughing.
“I can’t swim, remember? Besides, I’m still dressed.”
“Are you asking me to undress you? I thought there were certain things you preferred to do away from prying eyes. What a dirty little girl you are,” he pats my exposed butt cheek as he continues walking.
“And you are still a caveman.” I kick my legs in the air, trying to free myself. “I’m not taking off my shirt.”
When we get to the poolside, he puts me down. “Why not? It looks like shit on you.”
“Lovely,” I scoff, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Who gave it to you?”
“Alex.”
His jaw tightens, but I pretend not to see it.
“All the more reason to get it off your back.”
After thinking about it for a few seconds, I decide to go for it. I take a deep breath and pull up the hem of my shirt. But just as I’m about to take it off, I freeze. I can’t do it. It feels like a thousand eyes are on me.
“What’s the problem?” Thomas asks.
I lean toward him and confess in a low voice, “I’m extremely ashamed.”
Thomas looks at me in astonishment. “What are you ashamed of?”
“Of my body,” I answer awkwardly.
He huffs a laugh. “Bullshit. Take these clothes off or I’ll do it for you.”
I sigh again but gather all my courage and just do it. I am immediately uneasy. I feel exposed. Too exposed. Thomas fixes me with an indecipherable look that makes me want to hide.
I prepare to cover myself again, but he frowns at me. “What are you doing?”
“Getting dressed. This is exactly how I don’t want to be seen,” I mutter.
“Yeah, you should get dressed,” he says, glancing at someone over my shoulder. “Maybe then all these assholes would stop eye-fucking you. But I’m too greedy for that. Because if you get dressed, then I can’t look at you. And fuck, do I want to look at you. I want to look at you ’til it hurts.”
I look down, even more embarrassed. “How deep is the water?” I ask, trying to change the subject.
“Dunno, I’ve never been in. But we’ll find out soon. Get on my back, we’ll dive in together.”
That seems like a really stupid idea, but it does have a certain appeal to me. Mainly because I really want to feel his skin against mine again. With a leap, I cling to his back. His hands reach back to grasp me firmly by the thighs, as I lace my arms around his neck.
“You okay?”
“Yes, why?”
“You’re shivering.”
“Uh, um, yeah, it’s just really cold, that’s all,” I lie. The truth is, the idea of diving into the water scares the shit out of me, but Thomas’s presence somehow manages to alleviate a bit of my fear.
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. We can go back in and play a round of beer pong. Though, fair warning: I will crush you. Or we can even go home. Your choice.” It makes me smile, the way he tries to put me at ease and the way he takes it as read that we will leave this party together, even though we arrived separately.
“The pool is fine, but I warn you: if you leave me underwater to drown, I swear I will return from the afterlife just to slap you!” I threaten, poking his shoulder muscle with one finger.
He cocks his head slightly to look at me. “Are you telling me that I finally have a chance to get rid of you and your big mouth for good?” He clicks his tongue against his palate with an amused air. “That’s very tempting…” I swat the back of his head and we both laugh.
I bring my mouth close to his ear and feel him stiffen. “You wouldn’t last a single day without my big mouth. You’d miss it too much,” I whisper in his ear. He remains silent for a few seconds, seemingly pondering my words.
Then he murmurs, “More than you know.”
I smile shyly. Never did I think I would hear him say something like that.
“Ready?”
I nod and hold my nose. Thomas laughs and shakes his head.
He takes a short run-up and then, the next moment, we are underwater. The pressure of the plunge briefly separates us, but he grabs my hand and uses it to pull me to the surface. I gulp air, and when Thomas pulls me into his arms, I wrap my legs around his waist. He carries me like this to the shallow end of the pool, where the water comes to my clavicle.
“I think I just gave you a good reason to hate me.” He smiles, moving closer to me.
“Just the one? Let’s hear it, what is it?”
“Your eye makeup is melting.” He chuckles.
Damn it, Tiff. I wipe my eyes quickly. “Is it all gone?”
“Yeah, now you look like a panda.” He laughs. Thomas draws very close to me and whispers, “Your eyes are a work of art, don’t hide them with this crap.” With his right thumb, he rubs my face from cheek to chin. Immediately, even underwater, a feeling of warmth suffuses my body. My God, I really have to stop melting like a jellyfish in the sun every time he touches me. Or looks at me. Or smiles at me…or compliments my eyes. To break the tension a bit, I splash him, catching him off guard.
He gives me a bright look, with just a hint of fiendishness. “I wouldn’t do that again, if I were you.”
“Or what?” I challenge him.
He approaches with a wild look, and I retreat. I half smile and, hit by a sudden wave of courage, I splash him again. “Bad choice,” he announces with a devilish grin.
I turn away, ready to take cover, but in the blink of an eye, he pounces. He wraps his arms around me, and I hurry to plug my nose; I already know exactly what he’s got planned. And indeed, Thomas lifts me up before dropping me back into the water. I resurface a few moments later and, with my eyes still closed, I feel his hands pushing me right back under. When I get back to the surface, I can’t stop laughing. He draws me close to him, trapping my back against his chest.
“Do you give up, little shrew?” he asks, amused.
“Never!” I windmill my arms, throwing water behind me. I drench him relentlessly, then turn to face him and grab him by the shoulders. I try with all my might to push him under the water, but there is no budging him. We both cackle at my miserable attempt.
Incredibly, we spend the next half hour laughing and joking around, talking about everything and nothing. We start with the disgusting cafeteria food, which the school chefs are inexplicably proud to present. They’re so scary that not even Thomas has the courage to point out how bad the food really is. He tells me about the time he found his roommate soaking in the tub, sprinkled with mineral salts and encircled by candles, romantic music playing in the background. I point out to him how strange Professor Scott’s voice is, even improvising an imitation that’s not too far off the mark, and he bursts out laughing. I’m having such a good time that I don’t even notice the people around us, drinking, laughing, shouting, and diving. From time to time, I catch curious glances from Alex and Tiffany, and I think I see them talking to each other, pointing at Thomas and me. But he’s the only thing I can focus on.
When, later, some guys suggest a swimming competition, I curse them in my head for breaking the spell we’d taken refuge inside. I demur, but Thomas accepts. He swims along with the others, while I go over to the edge of the pool and watch his every move. How he shakes away the hair that falls onto his forehead when he emerges from the water, the veins on his arms that stand out thickly when he tenses his muscles, the movement of his shoulder blades with each stroke. The broad shoulders, the muscles in his back entirely covered by that tattoo so forbidding as to be fascinating and tragic at the same time. And, almost imperceptible under all that ink, but impossible to miss once you know it’s there: that scar.
I am so lost in my thoughts that when I find him standing in front of me, I gasp in surprise.
He looks at me thoughtfully then asks, “What are thinking about, stranger?”
“Lots of things.”
He gets so close that I can feel his breath on my face. “Tell me a few.”
“I’m thinking about the philosophy test we have on Monday. About the work uniform I need to wash. And I’m thinking about you.” I don’t know where I got the courage to admit it, but he seems pleased.
“About me?” He strokes my cheek. “And tell me, what do you think about when you think about me?” I have to think a bit before convincing myself to speak, although the little voice in my head is screaming at me not to do it. As always, I don’t listen to it.
“Thomas, can I…” I take a shallow breath. “Can I ask you a question?”
“You’re going to do it anyway, aren’t you, you little snoop?” He prods me, making me giggle.
“Well, I was wondering. The scar you have on your side… Is it from the accident you had with your motorcycle?”
The way his face immediately tightens, the way it takes on such a furious, chilling look makes me wish I could rewind this moment and go back thirty seconds to stop my mouth from running away with me.
“And what the fuck do you know about the accident?” he explodes, crimson with rage.
I swallow in fear. “N-nothing, I…Leila told me about it a while ago.”
Thomas heaves a big sigh and closes his eyes. When he opens them again, he somehow manages to look even scarier. “I never want to hear you talk about that ever again, is that clear?”
“I didn’t mean to…”
“Don’t fucking push it!” he growls, attracting the attention of some people swimming near us. I’m speechless in front of him. I look around, embarrassed. I almost feel like crying.
“I wonder, is there anything I can talk to you about?” I turn to leave, but he grabs me by the arm.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Away. I’m not going to argue with you for the third time in one day and this time in front of the whole university.” I try to pull my arm out of his grip, but he won’t let go of me.
“You’re not going anywhere.”
“Thomas, I want to leave,” I tell him resolutely.
He takes a deep breath and whispers, “That accident was the end and the beginning of everything. A wound that will never heal.” He pulls my wrist forward with an abrupt jerk and presses my hand to his side. “This scar reminds me every day of what I had, what I lost, and what I’ll never get back. Never.” The pain in his voice makes me crumble into thousands of pieces.
I touch his mouth with two fingers, dismayed. Whatever it is, I can see that it is destroying him, and that annihilates me. So, I don’t push. “Please, don’t say anything else. I’m sorry.” I hug him, resting my mouth on the crook of his neck, and I can feel him relax into my arms. “I wasn’t—wasn’t trying to force you to remember. I just let my mouth run away with me like always,” I whisper wryly, hoping to soothe a little bit of the tension I can feel creeping over him.
But Thomas doesn’t laugh. He just holds me tighter, as if this pool were made for just the two of us, as though I might fly away from him at any moment. “There’s too much darkness inside me for you to understand, but don’t turn your back on me because of it,” he pleads in a soft voice.
My heart breaks. I look at him and put my hands on his cheeks in a tender caress. “I won’t,” I murmur a few inches from his mouth. Right now I want nothing more than to kiss him. Kiss him until I take his breath away, until he forgets everything that hurts. But I don’t think that’s the right thing to do. “I’d like to get out of here,” I confess.
Thomas nods, wraps his hands around my hips, and lifts me up to sit on the edge of the pool. “Let’s go together.”
“Okay,” I reply, but it was clear from the tone of his voice that he wouldn’t have accepted any other answer. As Thomas jumps out from the water and shakes his hair, smoothing it back with one hand, I search for Alex and Tiffany among the crowd of people in the pool. Once I spot Tiff, I mouth, “I’m leaving with Thomas,” at her. She gives me a nod and a mischievous little smile.
I tell Thomas that I’m going back in to get dressed before we go. “I’ll wait for you,” he answers.
I pass the garden where some guys, decidedly tipsy, are playing soccer with a carved pumpkin and laughing loudly. I head for the pool house. There isn’t a soul around because everyone is at the party. It takes just a few minutes to dress and get ready, then I leave again. When I walk back down the pathway to return to Thomas, someone with an iron grip seizes my wrist and pulls me into a dark corner, giving me a start.
“Couldn’t you at least try not to rub him in my face?” The strong smell of alcohol makes me realize that Travis is not in full possession of his faculties. What is he still doing here? Tiffany said he was gone. Has he been spying on me all this time?
“Travis, let go of my wrist right now, you’re hurting me.” He doesn’t let go. He keeps squeezing me angrily.
“You left me because I cheated on you. But you’ll get with that guy? Who fucks one girl after another?”
“Let me go,” I repeat in a stern voice.
He skewers me with a glare , but finally releases my wrist. I massage my skin, trying to soothe the pain. “I’m not with him. And you didn’t just cheat, you did much worse. Also, am I to understand that you spent the evening spying on me?”
“I don’t have to spy on you, seems like you’re not trying to hide anything. So now you just spend your days getting fucked by that rat? I don’t recognize you anymore. You’re no longer the Nessy I fell in love with. She was a serious girl. She would never have done anything like this. I can hardly even look you in the face, knowing that he’s touched it.”
Oh, that’s rich.
“If you had loved me even a little bit, you wouldn’t have done what you did. For the first time in my life, I feel free to do whatever I want without any constraints. And you know what, Travis? If that means you can’t look me in the face anymore, then don’t. I’d rather be fucked by him than looked at by you any day,” I confess, completely without shame and leaving him stunned.
“So this is how it’s going to be from now on?”
I shrug. “Look away, if you don’t like what you see.”
He snorts in disbelief, ducking his head. “You said I was paranoid… But look what happened: I lost you because of him.”
I goggle at him. “You did not lose me because of him. You lost me because of you!”
“Do you think I don’t know that?” he says hotly, raising his voice. “I regret it, believe me! I hate myself for what I did to you. But I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss having lunch with you, sleeping with you. Picking you up and taking you to campus. I miss your voice, your touch, your smile… That’s what I miss most of all. Seeing you every day and not being able to talk to you is killing me. I’m begging you, please forgive me. Give me another chance. Let me make up for my mistakes.”
“You are crazy if you think I’d ever get back together with you.” I give him a thoroughly disgusted look.
“I still love you.”
“But I don’t. I probably stopped even before I learned the truth. So I won’t be getting back together with you, not now and not ever.” I stare straight into his eyes.
“Nothing makes sense without you.” And he sounds so desperate that it’s hard to believe this is the same Travis with whom I spent two years of my life.
“I’m sorry you’re suffering, but you should have thought about that before. Things aren’t going to change.”
He looks at me for a few moments before shouting, “Don’t you think about how humiliating your attitude is for me? Every day I’m forced to deal with the piece of shit you fell in love with! Don’t you ever think about how that makes me feel? Why, Vanessa? Just tell me why him of all people? I need to know.” My heart skips a beat when he says “in love.”
“I’m not going to talk about this with you.” I try to push past him, but he doesn’t move.
“I need to know why!”
“Travis, let me go!” I push him again, harder this time, but he resists.
“Tell me!” he yells in my face, making me wince.
“Do you really want to know why him? Because he’s a breath of fresh air. Because he’s showed me sides of myself that I didn’t even know I had. Because he doesn’t pretend to be someone he isn’t. And because, from the first moment he looked at me, I felt…alive.” Travis shakes his head, as if trying to fend off my words. “Is that what you wanted to hear? Now you know.”
I pull away from him, and he finally lets me. He is staring blankly at nothing and, absurd as it is, it hurts me to see him like that. “I’m sorry, Travis, I really am sorry.” The words bubble up from the bottom of my heart. They are true and they hurt. “But you and I…our chapter is closed now.”
Before I can turn the corner and leave him behind, Travis grabs my arm violently. He slams me hard against the wall. Pain from the impact explodes inside me. He rams his mouth against mine, and I freeze for a moment before I’m finally able to react and push him away.
“Travis! What the hell is wrong with you!” I scrub my lips with the back of one hand, while gingerly touching my injured shoulder with the other.
Then, everything becomes a confusing whirl. I hear a dull thud. Unclear images cloud my mind. I am helpless, unable to move a single muscle. My ears are ringing. My body tingles. It burns. It shivers. One moment, Travis is in front of me, the next moment, he is lying on the ground. Thomas is on top of him, hitting him repeatedly in the face.
“Should’ve. Put. You. Down. Last. Time.” There’s a punch for each word, an angry punctuation. “But I’ll be happy to do it today.” Travis groans and writhes under Thomas’s uncontrolled and unstoppable blows. He tries to wriggle free, but the blind fury of his opponent prevents him from doing so.
“Stop, Thomas! You’ll kill him!” I scream as loud as I can.
My heart beats uncontrollably at the sight of blood spilling out onto the grass. Hands in my hair, I am begging for him to stop, but Thomas is consumed by feral rage. He doesn’t even seem to hear my screams.
Alex and one of his classmates find us. They grab Thomas by the shoulders, and finally pull him off Travis. The latter, his face hugely swollen, tries to sit up. He looks at me, dazed from the many hits he’s taken.
“Vanessa, please forgive me. I don’t know what came over me. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I-I lost control,” he stammers in shock, as tears, mixed with blood, flow down his face.
Looking at him disgusts me. My body trembles. My temples throb. It feels as though my heart is going to explode, it’s beating so rapidly. “Come near me again, and I’ll go straight to the police.”
I turn to Thomas, whose eyes are still on fire, his muscles tense, and his breathing irregular. Without a second thought, I take his face into my hands and force him to look into my eyes. “Thomas, you need to calm down. Please.”
“Calm down?” Thomas takes my wrist, slowly, and touches the marks that Travis left on me. “He put his hands on you, and you ask me to calm down?”
“You did what to her?” Alex shouts, suddenly also beside himself.
“Alex, please, not now,” I beg him because I know it’s much easier to convince him to leave than Thomas. Then I return to Thomas. I try to gently take his hand, but he doesn’t let me touch him and continues to stare hatefully at Travis. “Please, let’s go.” I grasp his face in my hands again. “I need to leave.” If I want to get us both out of here without making anything worse, I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell him about the excruciating pain I feel in my back from where Travis shoved me against the wall. “I’m okay, but I need to leave.” Only then, after lingering for a long time on both me and Travis, does Thomas allow me to drag him away.