Thirty-Six
Thirty-Six
I run to my room furious, ready to pack up my things and leave. Too bad I don’t have anywhere else to go nor the money I would need to pay rent on some hypothetical apartment. As if that weren’t enough, I hear Victor’s voice from downstairs. He’s always eating dinner here these days. But my mother can forget about playing happy family tonight. After what she told me, I flatly refuse to sit at the table with the two of them. I text Alex to ask him to come to my rescue with a takeout sandwich, and I see that Tiffany has also texted me. A simple, direct: coming to you, have updates.
A few minutes later, the doorbell downstairs rings at the same time I hear someone knocking on my window. Wow, Alex and Tiffany must have coordinated. As I open the window, I can hear Tiffany running up the stairs.
“Why are you climbing through our friend’s window like a burglar?” Tiffany chuckles once they are both inside.
“And why are you entitled to front-door access? If I rang the doorbell at this time of night, Esther would have murdered me,” Alex retorts.
“One of these days, you’re going to break every bone in your body. You do know that, right?” I scold him jokingly, taking the bag with my dinner in it from his hand. It smells mouth-wateringly good.
“The one with the scribbled-on wrapper is yours, no lettuce, no cucumbers. Tiff, I didn’t know you’d be here too,” Alex says, a little awkward.
“Don’t worry about it, I came unannounced.”
“Did something happen?” I ask with some apprehension. I put their coats on the desk and invite them to sit on the bed with me.
“Um, yeah…I mean, nothing serious. The thing is, yesterday I was so scared, Vanessa. I have never seen Travis react like that before.”
I swallow hard, a strange sense of anxiety settles in my stomach. “After you left with Thomas, I took Travis home and told our parents everything. I thought Travis was going to have another freak-out. I was afraid of that, in fact. But this morning he decided he’s going to go into the Army.”
I am astounded. “What?”
“Apparently he can’t deal with all the horrible stuff he’s done in this last year. He says he’s hit rock-bottom, that he doesn’t recognize himself anymore and he wants to redeem himself.” Though she says it all in an impassive tone, I can sense a note of hurt in her voice.
“And he thinks he can do that by enlisting in the military? What happened to all his plans for the future? The economics degree? Basketball? Your dad?” Travis had always lived exclusively to impress his father. Basketball and college were just pretexts to get paternal approval. I can’t believe he’s throwing it all away.
Tiffany rolls her eyes. “Dad went ballistic. He’d already managed to get at least two sponsor contracts, so you can imagine how he reacted when he heard. But Travis was adamant about it this time.”
So he’s really leaving, then. I can’t tell how this news makes me feel. On the one hand I feel sympathy for him, but Travis does need to get himself together, that’s for sure.
“That’s unbelievable…” I say, staring down at my comforter. “When does he leave?”
“In a few days. This all just happened; it was a very sudden decision. He’s requested immediate transfer to basic training.”
“And are you okay with that?” I ask her, knowing how close she is to him despite everything.
Tiffany shrugs and gives me a resigned look. “I just want to be able to look him in the eyes and see my brother again. If West Point is the solution to his problems, then so be it.”
“I think so too, girls. Travis has been really lost this last year, and a change of scenery will be good for him,” Alex interjects, a polite reassurance. “And Nessy, get it through your head that you have nothing to be sorry about. I don’t want to hear you saying anything like that.” I smile at him sweetly.
“Tiff, do you want to share this sandwich with me?” I ask her to break up some of the tension. The three of us get better settled on the bed and eat dinner while watching a horror movie on Netflix.
After the first hour we get bored by the plot and start talking about something else entirely. Tiffany and Alex are dying to know how everything went down with Thomas and me after seeing us so cozy in the pool. But, alas, I have no good news to report. Though I don’t have much enthusiasm for the tale, I decide to tell them what happened this morning between Thomas and the woman downstairs. I tell them about how, last night, after the mess with Travis, we went to his house and I stayed there all night, leaving early this morning.
“I’d just fallen asleep and then, all of a sudden, I heard his voice. I went downstairs and found him standing in the doorway, can you imagine? My mother was furious, he was furious-er. They were glaring at each other like two lions about to throw down.”
“And then what happened?” Alex’s voice is interested.
“Nothing. I let him in, Mom freaked out, and he, shockingly, felt compelled to act like an idiot.” This confuses Alex, and he gestures for me to be more specific, so I continue, “He told her he’d just stepped in dog poop. Right after blowing cigarette smoke in her face. It was a lie, obviously. He just wanted to provoke her.” I roll my eyes and shake my head, still remembering my mother’s gobsmacked expression.
Tiffany’s eyes bug out, and she begins to laugh uproariously.
“What? My God, I can’t believe I missed that!”
“Well, it’s not really anything new. Esther White loses it because some dude got her carpet dirty. I’d say that’s pretty common, actually.” Alex laughs.
“Okay. I will admit that it was kind of funny to see her just quivering with rage and not knowing how to react. I’ve never seen anyone else succeed in shutting Esther White up, so I have to give him credit for that. But in hindsight, it was a stupid thing to do, given that I am now completely forbidden from having anything to do with him.” I snort in frustration. “She still treats me like I’m a child. It’s unreal.”
“But you’re almost twenty years old. You need to start standing up for yourself,” Tiffany says. She pauses before continuing, “You can’t let her boss you around like that anymore.” Alex nods with conviction.
“Do you think I don’t know that? Do you think I like any of this? It’s gotten to the point where she’s threatening me. She has lost her mind,” I blurt out.
“What?” Tiffany sounds shocked as she sits up straighter.
I nod. “She told me very clearly that if I don’t do as she says, she will take everything away from me.” They both stare at me in disbelief for a few seconds.
“But you know what? It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Why?” asks Alex frowning.
“After my mother left, guess what happened? Thomas and I had a fight. For the thousandth time since I’ve met him. I told him to leave, and he did. And he didn’t contact me again all day. So, you know what that means.” I bring my knees to my chest and rest my forehead against them. I feel so despondent.
“Come on, you don’t think he…” Alex begins. But there’s no need to finish the sentence, we all know what he’s alluding to.
I nod. Because that’s exactly what I think. I lift my head in his direction. “We’re talking about Thomas here. The fact that he couldn’t get what he wanted from me doesn’t mean he won’t go looking for it somewhere else. Plus he was pissed off. And, believe me, that never leads to anything good.”
“What couldn’t he get?” asks Alex.
“What?”
“You said he couldn’t get what he wanted from you. What did he want?” I can hear Tiffany trying to hold back a giggle next to me; she’ll have it all figured out by now. Dammit, why don’t I ever pay attention to what I’m saying?
“Nothing, just forget about it. You wouldn’t understand,” I answer, averting my gaze and brushing some crumbs off the blankets.
Out of the corner of my eye, I catch the hurt expression on Alex’s face. I wish I could tell him that the problem isn’t talking to him about it. Rather, it is the incredible shame I would feel having to explain to my best friend about this absurd relationship that Thomas and I have developed.
“Try me,” Alex urges me.
I stare at him for a few seconds, unsure what to do, before forcing myself to just spit it all out. “Okay. He…he wants to be with me, but he doesn’t really want to be with me.”
He frowns. “I’m not following.”
“See? I told you you wouldn’t understand.” I sigh and try to find a way to say it more clearly. “He wants to be with me, but he doesn’t want me to be his girlfriend because that would suggest an emotional involvement that he would not be able to reciprocate or sustain.” I grimace unhappily. “Just the idea of having a relationship with me makes him laugh, Alex,” I add, mortified.
“Laugh?” he echoes in disbelief. “I’m beginning to think this guy has even more problems than he appears to. So what is it that he actually wants? An open relationship where you’re both free to date other people?”
I shake my head. “No, it would just be me and him.”
The confusion in his eyes is increasing by the second.
“In my house, that is called a relationship.”
“Yes, a twisted relationship, Alex. Basically, he says he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend, but more often than not, that’s what he acts like.”
“I have a theory of my own,” interjects Tiff who has been listening raptly this whole time.
“And what would that be?”
“I think he’s scared,” she suggests.
I stare at her in amazement for a few seconds before bursting into a fit of hysterical laughter. “Scared? Tiff, we are talking about the same person, aren’t we?”
“He’s offered a legit relationship to you but tried to disguise it as something it’s not. Why would he do that except out of fear? Why else would a guy like him give up all the girls who will give him exactly what he wants whenever he wants it for you and impose the same limit on you? If you ask me, you’re trying to break down an open door, my friend.”
I freeze for a moment. “And, in your opinion, what’s his reason? I mean, why would he be afraid of me? I’m a little lamb compared to him, and it’s clear to everyone that, right now, he’s the one holding the knife. I should be the one who’s scared.”
“Maybe that’s it. Maybe, in his own way, he’s trying to protect your feelings.”
“I think Tiff is right,” Alex interjects. “I mean, as a guy, I can understand it. I was a little afraid to really let myself fall for Stella, knowing that a long-distance relationship could wind up hurting me. Letting go like that requires courage.”
“But that would imply that he has no feelings. And that I am not worth being brave for,” I murmur. Saying it out loud hurts even more than thinking it.
Alex’s face turns apprehensive. “I don’t want to have to say what I’m going to say and I want to apologize in advance.” He takes my hand and squeezes it with his own. “But you can’t force someone to love you. And you can’t blame them if it doesn’t happen.” Every word is like a stab to my heart.
“I don’t…I don’t blame him. It’s not about that. It’s just that, sometimes I get the feeling that he really cares about me but other times he treats me like I don’t matter to him at all. But you’re right. It’s not his fault; he’s always been clear about what he feels and what he wants. I’m the one to blame here. I should have backed away before anything even started.”
“I don’t think you should give up, though,” says Tiff, leaning her head on my shoulder. “I’ve never seen you so into anyone before. I think you should give it a real try, 100 percent. You only live once,” she concludes, as if to reassure me.
Part of me actually feels the same way Alex does. Yet, the mere idea of not having Thomas in my life anymore makes me feel like…like there’s a knot in my throat keeping me from breathing. And that part of me wants to gamble everything, to go “100 percent.” My God, this whole thing is crazy. I am crazy. Crazy about him.