Chapter 14
CHARLIE
My heart is going so hard, it’s making me dizzy as Myles clears his throat. His hands are still all damp from the dishes he’s been washing, but I can see him fighting against the urge to anxiously rub at the back of his neck.
Ohmigod, why did I ask him that? And ugh, why did I blurt that stupid, stupid part about Gemma having it in for him?
It’s because I really do have to know.
Rationally, I know this. But does that help one bit with how badly I wish I could go back in time, just a handful of seconds, and slap a hand right over my own big, stupid mouth? Nope. Not even a little.
Under his tan and dark scruff, Myles’s cheeks look darker than usual, and ohmigod, he won’t even meet my eyes now. Here it comes. How he realized that I’d spent our whole damn friendship pining over him, and it creeped him out. Grossed him out—
“I—” he clears his throat again. “I thought I was doing it for you.”
That stops my mental freakout midstream. Because what?
It might seem insanely naive and totally dumb to just blindly trust the word of someone who blew me off ten years ago and who is, by any logical standards, little more than a stranger now, but Myles is Myles.
He’s not a stranger. He’s the other piece of me, even if all that can ever hold us together is friendship.
I’d trust him with my life, and I already know I unquestioningly believe whatever it is he’s about to tell me now.
“I was afraid I was hurting you by staying your friend.” He looks like he’d give anything to look anywhere but at me, but he’s making himself do it.
For my part, I would look away if I could, but it’s like his brown eyes have me trapped, just staring way too deeply into them to seem any kind of normal.
“It’s a shitty cop out to blame this on anyone but myself, and I’m not. What happened was my fault, Charlie. My choice. But there was something my dad said that day your family left Riverside. He told me you were in—”
My heart’s going so hard and so fast, it’s hard to hear him over the rush of blood pounding through my ears. Ohmigod, I literally can’t feel my face—
He swallows hard, apology shining in his eyes.
“He told me you had feelings for me,” he whispers, changing course at the last second from the truth I’m pretty sure he’d been about to blurt a moment ago.
“You don’t have to say anything,” he rushes on, holding up a hand as his face pleads with me not to let out the confession I can tell we both know is on my now totally numb feeling lips.
“It doesn’t matter whether you did or you didn’t, because what he said to me was all bullshit manipulation.
“I told you how mixed up and complicated my feelings are about him, and this is a huge part of it, Charlie. The things he said that day blew up whatever relationship we’d had, and for years, I hated him for it.
God,” like he’s forgotten that it’s still wet and maybe even still a bit soapy, he scrubs his palm over his face.
“There’s so much of me that still does. He was a homophobic asshole, and he zeroed right in on the fact that you were, that you’re—”
“That I’m gay?”
“Yeah.”
I can’t help flinching, remembering the weird vibe that had poured off of Myles’s dad that day. I’d known, and I’d done everything I could to explain away why he was acting the way he was. That’s nowhere nearly as important though as— “Did you know?”
He nods. “I mean, I didn’t know because you hadn’t told me, but yeah, I’d sort of worked it out.”
“Did you mind?”
“What?” He jerks back a bit, like I’ve just slapped him, and ohhh, that look he’d gotten when he called Ben a fucking tool is back in his eyes. This blazing, intensity that really shouldn’t make my pulse race the way it does.
“No I didn’t fucking mind, Charlie. I could never mind anything that makes you you.
And if—” his hand is up, rubbing at the back of his neck.
“If my dad was right about one other piece of his bullshit and you really were in—really had a crush on me or something, I wouldn’t have cared either.
I mean, I would have cared, but I wouldn’t have…
Fuck, I’m saying this so badly,” he groans, dropping his head forward and blowing out a miserable breath.
“He said so much shit that day, but the only thing I listened to him about was when he said I was leading you on.
That the kindest thing I could do would be to just let you get over me.
“I was all fucked up about some stuff back then, Charlie. Stuff I should have told you about.”
My already racing pulse kicks up even faster, and ohmigod, the room’s spinning so hard, I have to grab onto the counter to stay on my feet. He’s not about to tell me that he—
“I’m demi,” he blurts, and while it’s not the I’m bi and I’ve always been head over heels in love with you too that my crazy heart had been holding its breath for, I can tell how vulnerable he feels sharing this. That he’s trusting me with it means everything.
“And aro too, I think, but…” He breaks off, shaking his head.
“I didn’t know anything about the aro-ace spectrum back then,” he goes on, and I love that I can see him visibly gaining confidence as I quietly listen.
Have I got about a million and one questions buzzing around in my head right now?
Most definitely. Now is not the time though.
“I thought there was something so wrong with me because I hadn’t felt attracted to anyone at all yet, and I knew, no, I thought I was supposed to. And then my dad goes and says what he said, and all I could think was how much I wished I was—”
The color in his cheeks deepens, and his eyes flick away from mine as my heart goes totally crazy in my chest at what I’m pretty sure he’d been about to say.
“Anyway, I was already so messed up worrying about what I thought was wrong with me, and then dad goes and tells me that I’m hurting you by making you think you had a chance with me when I didn’t feel the same way, and I knew he was manipulating me because he didn’t want you rubbing off on me and making me gay too or whatever shit he thought would happen, but,” his eyes land back on mine, pleading once again, and my heart aches because there are actual tears glistening in them.
“I also believed him, Charlie. I thought he was right and I was hurting you and that I was doing the right thing by cutting you out of my life so I wouldn’t keep doing it. ”
I want to say something, but the throbbing lump in my throat’s too huge to get a word around.
“It took me way too long to work out that just dropping out of your life like I did was the last thing in the world I should have done to keep from hurting you. By the time I saw it, I was sure you hated me, and I couldn’t even try to make myself believe there was any way you’d want to hear from me. ”
“It was all I wanted.” Ohmigod, I sound pathetic. Croaky and tearful and totally pathetic. And the beautiful, crazy thing about that? It doesn’t matter, because there’s Myles’s smile, breaking through the heaviness that’s etched across his face.
“You should hate me,” he insists, but that smile of his is lighting up his eyes now, and I know he knows I don’t.
“Not possible,” my laugh might be more of a sniffle really, but the lightness behind it is totally genuine. “Believe me, if it was, Gemma would have talked me into it by now.”
“Good to know?” His nervous look is (rightfully) genuine.
“She’s ridiculously protective of me,” I roll my eyes. “And I honestly was kind of a mess that summer when—”
He winces, and I break off. There are some things he’s better off not knowing. I don’t hate him, and even if I did, I’m not nearly enough of a bitch to drag him through hearing exactly how broken I was by what happened.
The lingering worry that’s lived in me for the past decade isn’t completely gone though, and I really do need him to know— “Myles, I only want to be your friend.” It’s a lie, in the strictest sense.
But considering the fact that I know there’s not a chance of anything else, it really is what I want most in the world.
I’ve lived through the alternative and do not have any interest whatsoever in going there.
Ever again. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable because I’m gay, or think that I—”
“Don’t.” He shakes his head. “I’ve never felt uncomfortable around you, and I never will.” He tugs the dishtowel out of my grip, wiping his hands dry on it before setting it down on the counter. “You were the most important person in the world to me when we were kids, Charlie.”
There’s a knot forming in my throat, and all I can do is nod as he reaches out and grabs hold of my shoulders.
“It wasn’t anything about you that made me ruin our friendship.
” His deep brown eyes are warm and sincere and achingly full of remorse as they scan my face.
“Nothing you did, and nothing I felt or thought about you. It was all me, and at the time, I really did think I was doing it for you. If I could go back in time and change just one thing in my life, it would be what I did back then, you understand? Be yourself with me, Charlie. Be as gay and as you and as everything else you are and want to be, and I’m here for it, okay? ”