Chapter 32 #2
He doesn’t take his eyes off the road ahead of us. “That you regret what happened. That I’ve just ruined everything. That things between us can’t ever be the same again after tonight.”
I’m a selfish asshole because instead of jumping to reassure him, what comes out of my mouth is, “Do you want them to be the same?”
For the first time, he turns to glance at me. We’re passing under a streetlight on our way out of town, and in the orangy-yellow glow, I can see tears glittering along his lashes. “Do you really have to ask me that?”
“Pull over. Now.” I point to an empty bank parking lot. “There.”
He does as I say, putting the car into park as soon as we’re off the road.
I’m already unbuckling, pivoting in my seat to face him as best as I can in the tight space. “I only regret what happened if you do.” My voice probably gives away too much of the emotion that’s choking me, but I don’t give a damn. “You ruined nothing, Charlie.”
My hand finds his, and he squeezes onto me like he’s afraid I’ll disappear if he doesn’t.
“If you want to go back to just being friends, I will go back with you. If you want to forget tonight and make it like it never happened, I’ll pretend like I’ve forgotten too, and you’ll never know the difference. But that’s not what you want, is it?”
He shakes his head, and his eyes are full of the hope and fear fighting in him.
“I don’t want things to be the same,” I whisper.
“I spent the whole drive back panicking.” He looks down at our joined hands.
“Before Janice came, and before we left, I thought I believed it was real, but then we drove for all that time, and I just couldn’t get it out of my head how I was the one that reached out and touched your hand under the table and I was the one who kissed you, and ohmigod, maybe I’d just misread everything and you were just going along with it and—”
That stupid thought I’d had before, about how it didn’t matter that we hadn’t talked first because I knew how much I wanted what was happening and Charlie was the one who was leading it, so we had to be on the same page comes crashing back to me.
Forget worrying that I’ll mess things up with him with my inexperience when it comes to sex with another man.
I’ve already fucked things up by assuming.
Just like I did before, when I was fifteen years old and I thought I knew what was best for Charlie and how not to hurt him, I’ve hurt him again.
I’d taken for granted that he had to know what was in my head and my heart, and I’ve hurt him.
At least this time, I can make it right.
“I’m sorry, Charlie.” I lean in, using my hand that’s not holding his to tilt his chin up so he’s looking into my eyes again.
“I should have talked to you before all that happened. I—” I almost tell him I love him.
The words are on the tip of my tongue, but the thought of what happens this summer, when he goes back to Seattle and I’ve finished my work on the house and am supposed to go back to my rootless life holds me back.
No matter what we do, it’s going to hurt like fucking hell. I don’t need to go and make it worse for either of us.
There’s fear too. Ever since I first realized Charlie’s feelings for me, I’d always just sort of assumed he was in love with me. He’s never confirmed that his feelings run that deep though, and now that I’ve seen that mine do, uncertainty’s taken hold.
What if I’d only been assuming he had to love me because I was projecting how I’ve always loved him?
Even with our million years of history, what’s happening between us is completely new. Springing it on Charlie that I’m in love with him on top of everything else feels like too much.
So I dial back the truth.
“I have feelings for you, Charlie.” It sounds watered down and stupid to my ears, but at least it’s something.
Charlie’s lower lip wobbles and a tear spills down over his cheek. In his eyes, I can see his fear fading. “Really?”
He practically whimpers the question, and I hate myself for that sound, because I can think of a thousand ways I’ve made him think what I’ve just said could never be true. So many that even after that kiss and the way I’ve just looked him in the eye and told him, he isn’t completely sure.
“Really.” I squeeze his hand, stroking my thumb over his.
God, I want to hold him right now. I want to be so much closer than I can get in his tiny car.
“We can talk now, but if you can just trust me that I mean every word I’m saying and everything that happened back in our hotel room, I’d rather talk when we’re somewhere where we don’t have this damn divider,” I gesture down at the center console, “between us.”
A smile spreads across his face, and I can’t help myself. Keeping my eyes open so I can watch for his reaction, I lean in closer to him.
I can see the moment he realizes I’m planning to kiss him. His lips part on this little puff of air, and his shoulders relax like he’s letting go of the tension he’s been holding onto.
Kissing Charlie softly is no less addicting than the hard, fierce kiss from earlier tonight. I could feel that first kiss in every inch of my body. It was visceral and raw and full of need for each other.
This kiss goes straight to my heart. A reminder I don’t need of who it’s always belonged to.
Before I can get lost in the softness of Charlie’s lips, I pull away. He sighs when I go, and because I can’t tell if it’s a happy sigh or disappointment and maybe even worry that I’m ending things so quickly, I lift his hand to my mouth next, kissing over his knuckles.
“Trust me?”
“I always trust you, Myles.” He reaches over with his left hand to disengage the parking brake and put the car into gear, leaving our fingers linked.