Chapter 32
Tristan
Before I have time to regret the way-too-real shit I’ve just said, I’m flat on my back.
There’s a weight pressing my body down into the mattress, and it’s only the fact that it’s Jesse’s face staring down at me and Jesse’s warm, soft hands cupping my cheeks that keeps me from flashing back to Tucson.
Even so, there’s still a moment when my skin goes all clammy-cold and my muscles go all tense, ‘cause of course I’ve pissed him off. Somehow.
Except he doesn’t look pissed. He looks—
And then both his thumbs are stroking over my cheeks, and warmth floods my chest, driving out the cold tightness. He’s not smiling, but that little frown tugging on his plush lips is every bit as safe and good and Jesse as his sweetest sunshine smile.
“How—” he dips his head to brush a kiss to my lips, and I melt, closing my eyes to the feel of his soft touch and the warm, heavy rightness of his body all draped over mine. “—Could you even ask me that?”
Another kiss.
“How could I not care for you?” Kiss. “You’re—” He sucks in a choppy breath as he nuzzles against my cheek, slipping his hand back behind my head to stroke his fingers through my hair. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Tris.”
I open my mouth to say…something… The fuck if I know what. Only my throat’s too tight and that big, warm thing in my chest that feels like so much more than wanting, and so terrifyingly like something else, might just suffocate me.
With a groan that sounds like actual pain, Jesse rolls off of me, flopping on his back and hiding his face in his hands.
“Jesus Christ, Tris.” His voice is all thick and broken, and fuck, but hearing it like that makes my throat ache and my eyes sting as I try to swallow down those crazy-ass butterflies that feel like they’re trying to beat their way up and out of me.
“I care about you so much it scares me, because all I can think about is how it will kill me to lose you, but I don’t have the right to tell you that, because you told me you don’t do relationships, and we’re only just seeing where this goes, and I don’t want to push you, but goddamn it, I think I might be—”
He groans again, shaking his head.
He thinks he might be…what?
There’s sweat beading along the back of my neck, and I swear to god those damn butterflies are gonna be the death of me.
And then my mind snaps back online as I process what he’s said, and I don’t know how the fuck to do it, except I have to tell him— “I’m,” fuck, “I’m done with seeing where this goes, sunshine.”
Beside me, Jesse goes all tense for a moment, like maybe he’s even stopped breathing. And then he nods, shoulders sagging against the bed, breathing out a raggedy sigh.
“Shit, no.” I’m on him in a flash, straddling his waist as I tug his hands away from his face. “Not like that—”
And fuck, are those tears in those big, sweet eyes of his?
Of course seeing that just has to go and make my eyes tear up too as his ping between mine, all wide and just the teeniest bit hopeful, and, goddammit, when I go on, my voice comes out all hoarse and wobbly.
“Like in a good way. Like,” I close my eyes for a moment, biting my lip, “like I know I want this. With you. I—” fuck, “I trust you, Jesse. You make me feel…safe.”
It’s not like I’ve told him any of the shit that would explain what I’ve just said, but the expression on Jesse’s face as he slowly reaches for me, threading his fingers through my hair, tells me he’s guessed enough to get it.
And holy shit, the way he’s looking at me, like I’ve just handed him the fucking moon—
“When I was a kid, my mom had a talent for finding the biggest assholes she could and dragging them home.”
The words feel all numb and tingly—definitely not in a good way—as I force them out.
Yeah, this totally isn’t the sweet, warm-fuzzy kind of thing the moment probably calls for, but I have to say it.
Because suddenly, I want Jesse to know. I don’t want him to be left guessing why what I’ve told him matters more than anything else could ever matter.
Slowly, he strokes my hair back from my face, all sweet and so fucking gentle that I have to blink hard against the stupid-ass tears that just won’t let up gathering at the corners of my eyes.
“And when she did, everything just…fucking fell apart. She fell apart. And I promised myself that wouldn’t ever be me. I’d never let some fucker treat me like shit and ruin my life.
“So from when I first started hooking up with guys, that was all it ever was. Just fucking. And never more than once or twice. I didn’t want to stick around long enough to even try and guess who was an asshole and who might not be.
“Then three years ago, there was this guy I just kept running into after we’d hooked up at a club one night. Josh.”
Jesse’s fingers go still in my hair as his eyebrows crash low, and I have to breathe in deep and slow, to remind myself that it’s not me he’s pissed at.
“Like every couple days, I’d just see him somewhere. At another club, the café where I worked, even out on the street walking past my apartment. And he wouldn’t stop asking to see me again until I said yes.”
Even with Jesse’s warm, thick body under mine and his hands working through my hair again, I’m getting that sick, itchy-clammy feeling I always get when I think about shit like this.
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see all the little cluttery messes around the fringes of his apartment that are suddenly making me legitimately freak the fuck out with the urge to go clean them up.
That fucking towel that didn’t make it into the hamper—
My skin crawls, and I close my eyes, trying to remind myself to breathe.
And then, ‘cause he’s my sunshine and somehow it’s like he just always knows exactly what I need, he’s tugging me down, wrapping his arms around me and holding me to his warm, fuzzy-soft chest, with his big, gentle hands smoothing these slow circles over my back.
That creepy-crawly feeling on my skin vanishes when I bury my face against him, breathing him in. For a moment, there’s nothing but his sex-and-sweat-and-cinnamon-citrus-smell and the beat of his heart, and on my next breath, I’m able to keep going.
“He was all slick and polished and had his shit together. Like he had a real job at an insurance company and owned his own condo and everything.”
My voice is totally muffled against Jesse’s chest, but it doesn’t matter because there’s no way I’m moving my face from where it’s smushed into him. Not a fucking chance.
“It wasn’t like that was what I cared about, only that he just seemed so…
so opposite of the strung-out losers my mom had gone for.
I let myself think that meant that maybe, since he seemed so different, he really would be different too, even though I’d already sorta started to get a bad feeling about some of the shit he did.
Like how he’d kept coming back when I’d told him I didn’t want to see him again and the look he’d get when I told him no about anything.
“For a while, things were good. Way better than anything I ever saw my mom have, anyway. After a few months, when he found out my lease was almost up, he asked me to move in with him. I didn’t want to, but he made me feel like a total asshole for turning him down when I should have been thanking him, so I told him I’d changed my mind.
“As soon as I moved in though, he started getting pissed off at me all the time. Blaming me if he had a bad day, getting jealous and questioning me if I went out with friends.
“Whatever happened, he always had a reason why it was my fault he was pissed. How I’d fucked up and how that fucked things up for him.
How he couldn’t trust me ‘cause I was such a slut I didn’t even know how many guys I’d let fuck me before him.
How lucky I was that I was pretty, ‘cause if I wasn’t, no one could ever want a stupid, fucking useless high school dropout like me. ”
Jesse’s breath hitches under my cheek, and I wince, biting my tongue and silently cursing myself for letting that bomb drop like I just did.
Because that’s the first my brainy-AF, gonna-get-his-fucking-PhD sunshine’s heard of me not having graduated high school. And shit—that bit about not even knowing how many guys I’ve screwed around with—
“And yeah, turns out he was fucking right about how stupid I am, ‘cause I stayed with him for two fucking years, even when I knew he was messing with my head and making me feel like shit all the time.”
My breathing’s gone all choppy and the words squeezing out of my achy-tight throat sound like a fucking sob, because it doesn’t matter.
I’d only wanted to make Jesse see how goddamn much it mattered that I trust him, that he makes me feel safe, and now I’ve gone and spewed out too much of this shit—shit I knew better than to let him hear.
“Look at me.”
It’s the last thing I want to do, but there’s something about the deep command in Jesse’s voice that makes me snap my head up to look straight into his eyes without question. Like I couldn’t stop myself even if I tried.
And fuck— His eyes—
Instead of soft and sweet like always, right now those blue-greys of his are hard and cold, all icy sparks and sharp edges.
Because of me. ‘Cause he’s just realized how he’s been wasting his time.
“You are not stupid, Tris.” He grabs hold of my shoulders and gives me a shake, gentle, not hard, but I flinch anyway, waiting for more.
He only swallows thickly, dragging in deep, shuddering breaths as his chest heaves beneath me, and my brain struggles to catch up with the crazy, totally impossible possibility that maybe he’s not about to lose his shit on me for what I’ve just told him.
“You are not useless,” his hands dig into my shoulders, almost painful, but somehow now it suddenly only makes me feel safe.
“And Jesus fucking Christ, no one has the right to call you a slut. And nothing, nothing,” another shake, “that fucking bastard said or did to you was your fault. Not one single thing. Do you understand?”
I want to answer him. I really do, but that huge, warm feeling’s spreading out from my chest, right through every inch of me, and somehow, isn’t scary anymore but so fucking beautiful I can’t make a sound except a choked out little whimper.
It’s a sound that should probably embarrass the hell out of me, except I never get the chance to decide, ‘cause next thing I know, Jesse’s dragging me down to his lips and kissing me.
It’s a kiss I could live in. Unless it kills me, because why would I ever need air again when I’ve got my sunshine sucking my lower lip between his sweet, soft lips, licking his way into my mouth and running his hands all up and down over my skin, all the while letting out all those fucking edible little moans?
Far too soon for my liking though, he pushes me back, breathing all hard and quick and deep as he scans over my face. “Did he hurt you?”
That icy-spark of cold isn’t gone from his eyes, and for a moment, the way he snaps out the question has me freaking out. Starting to shake my head no, just so I can tell him what he wants to hear—
Jesse. This is Jesse. Safe— I’m safe. Don’t have to lie—
I squeeze my eyes shut. Hold my breath.
“Only when I really pissed him off.” My throat goes all tight around the words. Like choking. Like the panic of a hard, strong arm crushing down against it, black spots popping in my vision and I can’t breathe—
That first day Jesse showed up at Upshot, all blushy-shy and adorable, if you’d told me I’d legitimately hear him growl, I’d have probably laughed so hard I’d have fallen on my ass. Well, now I’ve heard it, and I’m not laughing.
“Fucking Christ—” With a tug, he’s got me smushed against his chest, all wrapped up in his arms. He rolls us to the side, burying his face in my hair, and I can breathe again.
“No one,” he drags in a long breath, curling his body around me, “is ever going to hurt you again, Tris. And if that fucking bastard ever comes anywhere near you—”
My mind flashes straight to that text message from Josh from earlier today, and for a moment, I almost tell Jesse about it, but I’ve finally blocked his bullying ass, and with him all the way in Tucson, what’s it matter anyway?
A weird little jolt of anxiety flashes through me, but for once, it’s all too easy to switch off, considering the way Jesse’s gone back to smoothing his hands up and down my back.
It’s totally obvious from how his eyebrows are scrunched down over his still unusually stormy eyes that he hasn’t stopped thinking about what I’ve just told him.
Maybe I should still be thinking about it all too, except the way he snuggles in against me, scooting down on the pillow to rest his forehead against mine, has me going all warm and floaty-feeling.
“Thank you,” he tangles his legs with mine, “for telling me.” His eyes soften as he presses a kiss alongside my nose. “For trusting me.”
For a while, we just lie here together, breathing in the same air and just…being. And I have no idea how or why, but I think it might just be the absolute best thing I’ve ever done in my life.
Now though, all the crazy-ass rollercoaster ups and downs of my day are catching up with me, and being back in Jesse’s bed, in his arms, is so damn perfect it has my eyelids starting to fall shut. There’s just something I have to tell him first.
Saying it felt too fucking real and too fucking scary before, but now?
“Sunshine?” I cuddle in closer, pressing my face against his shoulder as he rests his chin on the top of my head. “I missed you too. So fucking much.”