Chapter 16
Chapter Sixteen
Gone. Emily gone. Is Doc right? Am I a fool?
How can I convince her I love her when I don’t know what love is?
I thought I loved Melissa, now I wonder if I really did.
Why was I upset when she jilted me? Was I hurt because the woman I loved left me?
Or was I embarrassed that I’d been left?
Embarrassed. That’s all. She damaged my reputation.
I never felt about Melissa the way I feel for Emily. I believed the feeling was only lust, but the thought of Emily leaving me…I can’t imagine going on without her. She is my light. My life is so much better because of her.
I need to tell her. But how do I tell her something I professed to not believe in? And she went along with it. Accepted me with all my excuses, hoping I’d love her. And today, she was terrified that I’d hate her. I could never hate her…I love her.
He closed his eyes and ran his hands through his hair as the enormity of what he’d done washed through him. He felt like he’d been sucker punched and wish he had been. That would be so much easier to face than the bleak look in Emily’s eyes before she went upstairs.
I never gave her any reason not to think that I would hate her over Mother’s death, but I don’t.
But haven’t I always treated her well?
It’s not enough you idiot. You say one thing and then do another. How is she supposed to know what to believe?
“Emily.”
He whispered her name.
Emily lay in bed feeling sorry for herself.
Her shoulder hurt, her head hurt and her heart hurt.
Ben didn’t hate her, that was good but she figured he didn’t feel enough about her either way.
He sure as heck didn’t love her as he took every opportunity to remind her.
Every time she thought she was making headway, he’d tell her that he didn’t know how to love.
“Emily.”
She looked up when Ben entered the bedroom with a tray.
“Why are you crying, love?”
She sniffled.
“I hurt, but I didn’t realize I was crying. I must hurt more than I thought.”
She wasn’t about to tell him he was the reason she shed tears. Come to think of it, he was the only reason she’d shed tears since she came.
He couldn’t love her. All he and she felt for each other was lust. She’d heard it all at one time or another. She didn’t want to hear again how he couldn’t love her because he didn’t know how.
Ben came and sat on the bed beside her.
“Do you want me to lie down with you? I would be gentle and could hold you in my arms.”
“No. That’s not necessary.” She avoided his gaze and steeled her heart against more hurt. “You must have chores to do.”
“They will wait. You need me now.”
She lay stiffly on the bed.
“I’m fine. Nothing a little laudanum and some sleep won’t cure.”
Ben frowned.
If he had been anyone else she might have thought that her rejection hurt his feelings, but this was Ben. He didn’t have any feelings.
“Well, if you’re sure, I’ll get you that laudanum. Be right back.”
And that was that. He didn’t even try to change her mind. She would have loved to have him cuddle with her. Hold her until she slept. But he didn’t really want to be with her. After all she’d just killed his mother. On some level, he had to hate her.
Ben walked out of the bedroom feeling like he’d been slapped. In a way he guessed he had, and he deserved it. He’d always made it clear that he had no love to give, so how was he supposed to explain that he’d been wrong?
He gathered hot water and the willow bark tea, deciding to save the laudanum for a night when she needed to sleep. The tea would, hopefully, give her enough relief. Ben also put a cup of coffee for him on the tray and two of her special tea cake cookies for each of them.
Ben would spend time with her whether she wanted him to or not. The time had come to fight for her, with her, to make her his, really his. Not just her body, but her heart and soul, as well.
When he entered the bedroom she had her eyes closed and he thought she was asleep.
As soon as he’d put the tray on the bureau, she opened her eyes and turned her head toward him.
“Here we go.” He handed her the tea cup and saucer.
“Thank you.”
“It’s willow bark tea and should help with the pain. I also brought you and me a couple of tea cakes.”
“I’m surprised there are any left between you and Rory.”
He grinned.
“I hid a few so he couldn’t find them.”
She shook her head and half smiled.
“You’re so bad.”
“I’m not. If I hadn’t hid them, you wouldn’t be enjoying those cookies now.”
He watched her roll her eyes and smile. The smile was the most beautiful he’d ever seen because she was smiling at him. Gone were the tears. This was the Emily he knew.
He smiled back at her.
“What do you want to do today?”
She looked at him, eyes wide.
“You’re not planning on staying here all day are you? What about your work and the animals?”
“Rory is taking charge today. He wants to be more involved with the ranch. I thought now is as good a time as any.”
He went around the bed and got in on her side so he could cuddle with her and not hurt her.
“What are you doing?”
Alarm filled her voice.
“I’m staying with my wife. You’ve been injured. You accidently killed my mother and you need to know that I do not blame you. I’m holding you in my arms while you rest. I want you to know that you are safe.”
He rolled to his side and propped up on his elbow.
“I’m sorry. So very sorry. I never should have left you alone with her for even a moment. I knew she wasn’t to be trusted. This is all my fault.”
Emily lay on her good side and faced him.
“It’s not your fault…entirely. I was sure she was better.
She hadn’t called me names or acted crazy for a couple of weeks.
Who knew she was such a good actress? She was biding her time and when she got the opportunity, she took it.
You know, even after killing me, she might have tried to kill you, too.
Thinking you her were her husband and still cheating with Ava.
I think that happening was only a matter of time. ”
“You’re probably right. Mother had completely lost her mind and was living in her own world.” Making the admission was difficult, but they both needed to hear it.
“The willow bark tea is starting to help. I think I can sleep now.”
“Then come here. Let me hold you.”
She looked at him warily.
“Why are you being so nice to me?”
“You’re my wife.”
“Yes, but I just killed your mother. Shouldn’t you be mad at me? I mean, I’m sorry that it happened, but it was an accident. I really didn’t mean for her to die, I was just trying to get away from her.”
“We’ve already discussed this, but I want you to get all your anxiety over this situation out. I don’t want any part of it to haunt you. I can’t hold you to blame for her death. You were just protecting yourself. I understand that. You were doing my job and I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you.”
Emily narrowed her eyes, not really believing what she was hearing. He had to be upset; did he plan on getting rid of her later? Sending her to some god-forsaken place to live out her life alone.
“I’ll take care of myself. You don’t have to protect me.”
“It’s my job and I like that part of my job.”
“I don’t want to be just a job to you.”
“But you’re not. You’re so much more.”
She closed her eyes, waiting for him to elaborate. There was silence.
“I’m tired. I want to sleep now.”
“Sleep in my arms. Are you uncomfortable?
“Well, no.”
“Then what’s the problem? You’re comfortable and I like you here, so sleep.”
He began to hum.
“You’re humming me to sleep?”
“I figure I should practice for when the baby gets here.”
She couldn’t help it…she chuckled. “I see.”
“So now rest. I’ve got you, and I’m never letting you go.”
Emily couldn’t decide if she should be alarmed or not. All she felt right this minute was warm and safe. The tea was doing its job and her shoulder did feel better, the rest of her looser.
Her eyelids drifted close and she plunged into sleep…restless sleep.
“No. Don’t. Stay away. Doris what are you doing? Stop.”
“Shh, sweetheart. You’re safe. Hear my voice. You’re safe.”
Ben eased her closer.
She settled.
Some of Ben’s fear went away, but he didn’t like her being haunted by dreams…
nightmares… of what happened. If only he’d stayed.
Did he have to go to the ice house right then?
He slowly shook his head on the pillow, knowing his act wouldn’t have mattered in the end.
His mother would simply have waited until Ben left at some other time.
For now he had to be satisfied that Emily was safe in his arms and would remain that way. He’d give his life to protect her. She meant too much to him to contemplate anything else.
News of Doris’s death traveled fast. As much as Ben tried to keep the details out of it, they had not remained secret. Soon, everyone in town knew that Emily was forced to kill her mother-in-law in order to save herself.
The news even traveled to Melissa Mills home.
Melissa paced the library. The home had belonged to her mother’s aunt and she’d left the place along with her jewelry to Melissa.
Maybe she figured I wouldn’t sell it. She’d been wrong about that.
I sold the jewelry first to maintain my facade.
I would have sold the house, too, but I needed a place to live, until Doris convinced Ben to marry me.
What am I supposed to do? I need to get rid of Emily, but I never know when she’s in town, except Saturdays and then she’s with Ben.
“What will I do?” she shouted to the room, pounding her fist in the air.
Ten days after Doris’s death
Emily had been avoiding Ben as much as possible. She feigned sleep when he came to bed. She arose and left the bed before he woke.
If Ben thought her behavior odd, he didn’t mention it.
“I’m taking the buggy and going to town to see Doc. My stitches should come out today.”
“Good. I’ll come with you.”
She waved her hand in front of her. “There’s no need. I’m capable of handling the buggy on my own.”
“I don’t doubt it, but I have to talk to Doc myself.”
“Oh, what problems do you have? Are you ill?” She didn’t want him to be sick, the fact that he might and wasn’t telling her worried her.
Ben cocked one eyebrow.
“Thank you for your concern, but Doc will have the answers I need. When you’re ready to go, come get me. I’ll be in my study going over bills.”
“I’ll be ready as soon as I finish the dishes.”
“Very good. If our departure is to be that quick, then I better get the buggy harnessed to the horses. We should be ready about the same time.”
“I suppose so.” Emily fisted her hands in her apron. “Are you sure you need to accompany me?”
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say my dear wife is trying to avoid me.”
She looked out the window and then down at her shoes.
“Why would I be avoiding you?”
“I don’t know. That’s a question I have for Doc.”
Her chin shot up and her gaze locked with his.
“Why would Doc know anything about that?”
“I don’t know that he does, but someone better, because I can’t figure it out. Why are you avoiding me? You’re either sleeping or gone when I am in our bed. Do you not want to make love? Is that why you rise early and go to bed early?”
“I…I’m…not trying to evade you.”
“That may be but you’re succeeding at it, regardless of whether you want to or not.”
“Why would you want to have relations with me? You don’t love me, and we’ve already succeeded in getting me with child.”
“You think that’s the only reason I want to have relations? You’re wrong. I enjoy the act and so do you. At least I thought you did. Right up until Mother died.”
She pointed at him with her finger. “You can say it. ‘Until you killed my mother.’ Say it.”
She spat the words at him, no longer able to keep her anger inside.
He crossed his arms over his chest.
“All right, until you killed my mother…in self-defense.”
Emily jammed her hands on her hips.
“You don’t believe that. I know you don’t.”
“Whoa.”
He walked over and took her in his arms.
She let him.
“I do believe that is exactly what happened. Do you forget I saw you right afterwards? I saw your terror and your fear. You didn’t act those emotions.
They were real and are real. Who do you think holds you each night when you weep in your sleep?
Who chases away your demons in the nightmares you’ve had every night since the incident?
I do. I know what happened and I’m sorry for it. If only I’d—”
She reached up and put her fingers over his lips.
“Don’t. The incident wasn’t your fault any more than it was mine. Doris was insane at the end. We could do nothing to change her reality. She was beyond our help, maybe anyone’s help.”
He held her closer.
“I know this, but do you? You’ve been avoiding me and I can only think it is because you blame me.”
“No.” She shook her head. “No, I don’t blame you for anything. I just don’t want your pity.”
He looked down into her eyes and smiled.
“I feel no pity, never have. If anything I was amazed you were able to keep her from killing you. She was a strong woman, even if she didn’t look it, and I think the insanity gave her even more strength. You were lucky you were able to escape relatively unscathed.”
“I was not unscathed. She injured both arms first with a knife and then with a cleaver. I just want everything to be over.”
“It is over. She’s dead. She can’t hurt you again.”
“And what about Melissa. She’s the one who hired Rory, if he’d been a different kind of man, I’d be dead.”
All this pain they felt was because of Doris. How much more would be because of Melissa? None if she could help it. If Ben couldn’t love her, maybe she should let Melissa have him. But she can’t, the pain in her chest just at the thought of losing him was too great.
Emily would fight for his love. Surely he felt something. How can he make such beautiful love to her, if he didn’t have those kinds of feelings?