Chapter 15 #2
‘Hi, Charles.’
He jumps and lets go of his phone, as if he had just been caught watching porn by his mother.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.’
‘It’s alright, I’m— Oh. Hi.’
Charles jumps again when Liv gives his arm a gentle squeeze.
‘I tried to catch your attention when you entered the room, but your mind was on Saturn.’
‘Yes, it was…’
Dumbfounded, Charles squints himself back to Earth.
Liv has become the carbon copy of Mrs Downes – the woman who cleaned his grazed knees after his own mother had stopped.
‘What are you doing here? George told me you were heading back to Manchester.’
‘In the morning. The friends I was having dinner with lured me here by doubting my poker skills. Do you want a drink?’ she asks as a bartender smiles at them.
Charles is already tipsy, he should call it a night. But it would be rude to let Liv drink alone.
‘Macallan, please. Double. Neat.’
‘A small Chablis, thank you.’
‘How was Mauritius?’
‘Fun. We had numerous Mario Kart contests. Dad won them all. George might need counselling to quit whinging about it.’
‘I appreciate the heads-up.’
‘How was your Christmas?’
‘It was… The food was good.’ Charles stops Liv from opening her bag when the bartender comes back with their drinks. ‘On my tab, please. Ledwell.’
‘Thank you, Charles.’
He knocks his tumbler against her glass and dips his lip into the scotch without drinking any, his throat still burning from the one he didn’t savour.
‘George said you have questions about what happened to Fred.’
Charles coughs and puts his glass down. ‘I told him not to bother you with this.’
‘And you expect my brother to do as he’s told?’
She turns sideways, trying to meet his eyes, but Charles gazes fixedly at the bottle display, uncomfortable, annoyed with his friend and annoyed to be annoyed with his friend.
‘Charles, I recovered from seeing a ghost when you appeared in the door frame five minutes ago, so I can answer your questions. Let me help. The concern in George’s voice proved it’s important.’
Charles resumes rotating his tumbler.
He’s neither sober enough nor emotionally ready for puzzle pieces. But he was even less prepared when he walked into the pub, two weeks ago, and he handled it alright.
‘I already got some answers. From Patty.’
‘Patty? North Haven Patty?’
‘Yes. She asked about you. I said you run a shelter for teenagers, so she decided to name a cocktail after you. But I don’t think she will, she doesn’t sell cocktails.’
Liv breathes out a laugh. ‘How do you know Patty?’
‘Through somebody who works for her.’
‘I should visit her next time I’m in London. God, I hadn’t thought about her in forever…’ Liv smiles fondly. ‘What did she tell you?’
‘That she paid Fred for his help in Archway. But I have no idea why he needed cash. What were you planning?’
‘We were… Wait, before anything, please know that Fred would have told you. He trusted you. But he didn’t want you to get in trouble in case your father found out you were hiding stuff from him.’
‘I know. Well, no, I didn’t. But I believe that Fred trusted me.’
‘You were the one reason he sometimes questioned our intention to leave. He hated the thought of you, alone in that house, suffering the consequences of a wrath that wasn’t aimed at you.’
‘Leave? Where?’
‘Australia.’
‘Australia…? Why?’
‘Fred loved the idea of being far away, trying to get by on his own. And initially, it wasn’t supposed to be a secret.
Fred went to Milton with a presentation about the work visa he wanted to apply for and his different projects once he’d be there.
But I don’t think I need to explain your father’s reception… ’
‘No.’
‘So we decided to do it anyway, but we had to pay for it ourselves. Our new passports, our plane tickets and a money cushion, because comfort is a hard thing to give up all at once.’
Liv drinks a mouthful of wine while Charles stares into the amber liquid in his glass, his head spinning like a globe.
It’s pointless to imagine a world Fred lived on the other side of, but he can’t help it.
‘I didn’t want to tell my family until everything was sorted.
They wouldn’t have liked that Fred was hiding our plan from your parents.
But it was easy for me to put some money aside.
I never had to justify what I spent my allowance on or why I worked shifts at a bar.
Whereas Milton kept tabs on everything. Fred had to be careful.
He started working for Patty and fixing laptops for people at uni.
He was also stealing stuff from your home.
Ornaments that your parents wouldn’t realise had gone missing and that he could turn into cash.
But that part was stressful. The whole thing quickly became very stressful for Fred. ’
‘How so?’
‘He was exhausted and distracted from law school. Milton noticed and clamped down on him. Of course Milton noticed. He noticed everything, except for his missing candlesticks. He called out Fred on his driving habits, because he refuelled his car more often, going back and forth to Patty’s.
So Fred switched to cycling, which tired him even more.
It was gruelling, the scheming and the constant fear of getting caught.
Plus all the fights at home. He was living such a nightmare, it scared me, but postponing would have just drawn out the nightmare…
Then, a week before Christmas, Heloise, she… You know who I mean?’
‘His girlfriend, yes. Did she know? About you two?’
Since Charles got confirmation that Fred was romantically involved with Liv, he’s been wondering if Heloise was in on the relationship scam, the way Elsy is. If he could feel closer to his brother through their common ‘Kate and William’ ruse. But the guilt on Liv’s face whittles that hope down.
‘No, she didn’t, and I can’t find any excuses for what we did to her, sneaking around behind her back. It was so wrong. I’m very conscious of it now. But back then, I didn’t care. I couldn’t stand her. And Fred was mine.’
The glow in her eyes opens a trench in Charles’ heart.
‘How long had you been together?’
‘Two years. Which was only half of the time he had been in that portrait-worthy relationship with Heloise, but he had always been mine, no matter how. Ever since we were ten and our annoying little brothers became friends. I loved him better than anyone could, and we were building ourselves the best little world to thrive in. I loved him so much, I… I fell in love with him all over again every time he laughed at my jokes. And I only came up with jokes to make him laugh. His laugh was my safe place. He was…’
She pinches her lips, and Charles shakes his head, his temples buzzing.
‘If it’s too hard, you don’t have to—’
‘I’m alright. I hadn’t missed loving him in a while, that’s it…
’ She finishes her wine and clears her throat of any quivers.
‘So just before Christmas, Heloise found out about us and… she was entitled to have any reaction, I can’t blame her, but she chose to go straight to your mother.
And I don’t know if Heloise was pressured at home to marry into the Ledwell family, or maybe Fred’s laugh was her safe place too and she wasn’t ready to let go.
I don’t know, but she agreed to keep quiet about his cheating and to wait.
To wait until Alice would get Fred to “listen to reason”.
That’s what your mother said when she summoned them both, acting like a marriage counsellor.
Fred went ballistic. He ended up being hurtful to Heloise and then felt really guilty, which didn’t help.
On Christmas Day, he lost it when Alice said that Heloise was coming with all of you to your grandfather’s estate on Boxing Day.
He fought to take me instead. But you might know that? ’
‘No, I… It’s all hazy.’ Charles sighs, wincing at his Scotch whisky that worsens the gibberish from that day. ‘I remember the fighting. So it was about you?’
‘Mostly… In the end, none of us went to Surrey. Fred left your house before dawn and didn’t come back for days.
That turned the nightmare into hell. From then on, Milton was properly henpecking him.
He confiscated his car keys, froze his bank account, forbade him to go out.
Fred kept on going out, getting pissed and into fights, and making sure Milton saw it.
It was bad. It was awful… I should have alerted someone.
But we were three months away from leaving and I believed… I believed we’d make it.’
A battle is raging in the trench in Charles’ heart, between the need to know why they didn’t make it and the self-protective instinct to interrupt Liv. But ignorance has never done him any good, so he sides with the army that wants answers.
‘I don’t know what tipped Milton off about Fred saving up.
Maybe he finally counted his damn candlesticks.
And I guess he remembered Fred’s wish to travel and he connected the dots because, overnight, he knew about his visa.
When Fred came back home from a boozy party, Milton burnt his passport in front of him.
He threw it into the fireplace and held Fred violently, forcing him to watch and yelling that he was about to take drastic actions.
Fred called me afterwards and… he was absolutely enraged.
He said he wanted to steal Milton’s favourite vintage car, drive it to a waste ground and torch it.
I tried to… But I think… I don’t think anything I could have said would have stopped him.
I worked really hard to convince myself of that. ’
Charles had contracted his fist in hatred, but he opens it to cover Liv’s hand. ‘Of course not.’
‘I was terrified, so I woke up my mum and asked her to drive me to your place. We weren’t in the car yet when we heard sirens rushing towards the heights of Hampstead and I knew… Somehow, I instantly knew I’d never feel completely safe again.’
A tear rolls down Liv’s cheek, reflecting the red lights above them.
Charles blinks a couple of times and stands up straighter. ‘Can I hug you?’
‘Hug me?’
‘I’ve always been on the receiving end of Fred-related hugs, and they never helped. But you, you would have understood they didn’t help, and it could have helped. You know?’
Liv nods, the corner of her mouth trembling, and Charles wraps his arms around her body to hold her very tight. Probably too tight, but she allows it.
‘I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, Charles. I was too—’
‘Please, don’t.’
‘No, let me explain that… it wasn’t just because I was devastated. It was also that I couldn’t risk seeing Milton. Some of the thoughts I was having… It wasn’t healthy.’
‘I can imagine.’
Charles can’t. He can’t imagine what her thoughts about Milton were made of. He can’t even decipher his own. Traces of the hatred that engulfed him are lingering, but it’s been diluted by their common heartache. Diluted with cocktails, wine and Scotch whisky too.
He’s not in the right state of mind to comprehend what his feelings towards his father mean. So for the time being, he prefers to embrace what he’s sure to experience properly. The comfort to share his pain with someone who loved his brother for who he really was.
Through the mist in his eyes, he spots Phil, who’s observing them from the doorway to the main room. Charles manages to smile and mouths, ‘Tell Elsy, please.’ Phil raises a thumbs up and walks out, digging his hands into his pockets probably full of winnings.
‘I never did anything with the money we saved.’ Liv draws back and wipes her cheek. ‘I was too conflicted about what it represented. But it’s in the bank, and Fred would want it to help you.’
‘Spend it on your shelter. I don’t need money.’
‘Alright… You may need more answers, then?’
‘I… Yes, but… it’s a lot already.’
Charles is getting dizzy. The red spotlights aren’t helping. The room looks like a paint mess no one would frame. He should tell Liv about the paint mess Patty framed in her house.
‘Of course. But promise me you’ll call.’
‘I promise.’
‘So take my number maybe.’
Charles chortles, because her energy has just gone very George-like. He unlocks his phone, only to drop it again, its weight bouncing on the lining of his stomach.
Instagram is open. His direct messages with Loris’ account, where earlier he jump-sent ‘Are yyyyyy’, to which Loris replied five minutes later with three question marks.
He’s still online, but Charles’ brain logs out.
‘Is something wrong? Charles?’
‘I’m a hopeless disaster but, no, nothing too wrong.’
What is he supposed to do now? And when did he finish his drink?
‘You’re not.’ Liv seizes his wrist with an intensity that makes him recoil. ‘Look… George told me about your recent decisions regarding your future. And I’m sure he’s already told you what I’m about to tell you, but… Your father is a dangerous abusive dickhead.’
‘I know.’
‘You do, but you’re tolerating it. And I understand.
I never blamed Fred for being scared to stand up to him.
Milton always had that crazy chokehold on you two, because he’s so good at manipulation.
But what I couldn’t see back then, is that his threats of drastic actions were empty.
The only power he’s got is the one you give him.
What can he do? You’re twenty-two, you’re brilliant and you’re loved left, right and centre. You’re so loved, you know that?’
Left, right and centre? Charles’ head-globe spins faster.
‘Milton is caging you with the planted seed he’s played with your entire life.
The belief that you need him to love and validate you.
But the only version of you he’ll ever validate is one he can control.
He owns you, or so he thinks, but he doesn’t love you.
So, Charles, if what you’re doing makes you happy, then by all means, do it.
But if your choices are influenced by the conditions that must be met for Milton to support you, I beg you to reconsider.
He can’t hurt you more than you would hurt yourself in the long run if you gave up on what you want. Do you hear what I’m saying?’
Charles looks down at his phone, then back at Liv’s mindful and worried expression. ‘I hear that and… I think I need to go.’
‘You need to go? Where?’
‘To my safe place. I was building a safe place and I damaged it. I really need to go.’
‘But weren’t you—’
‘Thank you, Liv!’
Charles collects his phone and pivots. His head does two extra rotations compared to what his body just did, so when he strides away, he collides with the corner of a table. He mumbles an apology, pushes the door to the fire exit stairwell and scurries down the steps, stroking his painful hip.
In the deepest part of his chest, a peace treaty is being signed.