Chapter 25
TWENTY-FIVE
‘And how do you feel?’ Elsy asks between two sips of her long-cold ginger tea.
‘Slightly disorientated. Like I can taste sounds and hear colours. You know…’
‘No, I don’t. And I’m mad envious.’
Charles lets go of the mug he was fiddling with while he talked and takes her hand to squeeze it. ‘Thank you for being so chill about it.’
Elsy lowers her voice, casting a mistrustful look at the group sitting down in their corner of the coffee shop. ‘I was certain you’d end up picking someone your parents would flip out about, but my money was on a foreign woman, twice your age. Jam maker by day, stand-up comedian at night.’
‘That’s specific. Well, you weren’t too wide of the mark. He’s half foreign, he’s funny and he will drive my parents ballistic.’
‘He will? As in, you will tell them?’
‘I won’t sit them down for a special announcement, but my future with Loris is a big question mark, so I’d like to simplify our present. Once Milton and Alice are done digesting our breakup, I might stop hiding and… come what may.’
‘Except we’re not breaking up.’
‘We are…’
‘No.’
A tension Charles wasn’t expecting joins the table. He thought they were on the same wavelength about ending their relationship, but given how fast Elsy went from chill to wound up, that was a very incorrect assumption.
‘I can’t make out with you anymore, like we did last night. Even just for show.’
‘I get that. You’ll keep the French kissing for Loris. We just have to come up with new convincing ways to—’
‘It’s not only about him. It’s our arrangement. I want to stop.’
‘But you can’t make that call on your own. Without warning, at that!’
Charles clutches back his mug, regretting his resolution to leave his pen in the flat. ‘Aren’t you tired of scheming? And what’s the point? Your relationship with Catriona is good now.’
‘Yes, because my romantic life, which she could be a nightmare about, is up to her standards! Indeed, we’ve built a good relationship, against all odds, and I’m not ready to give it up for daily strops and constant policing.’
Charles sighs and ducks his head, whipsawed between his guilt and the steadiest determination he’s ever been driven by.
After a moment of loaded silence, Elsy softens. ‘I’m so glad you’ve stopped giving a fuck about your parents’ approval. And I’m sorry about the awful revelations it took for you to get there. Chips, look at me.’
He obliges with another sigh, awaiting the ‘but’ that might invalid her caring statement.
‘But it’s different for me. I love my control freak of a mother, and I wasn’t planning on becoming her biggest disappointment just yet. Not until I get a great position in a great marketing company to make up for my loose morals.’
‘If I dump you, she’ll understand you’re taking it hard and she’ll give you a break. Especially if I dump you for a man.’
‘Fat chance! She’ll introduce me to all remaining bachelors before word gets around that I put you off women.’
‘I’ll explain that’s not it.’
‘You want to give Catriona a “It’s not her, it’s me” kind of speech?’
‘I’d do anything to help you cope with my decision, because… it’s final.’ Charles sits straighter, hoping to appear more confident than he sounds. ‘This is non-negotiable.’
He’s perhaps being a bit selfish, but he’s not breaching the terms and conditions Elsy came up with herself, four years ago.
They were only supposed to pretend until he met someone.
She also said they would pull the plug if it ever became too messy for him.
And she’s perceptive, she knows he’s been struggling with the situation lately.
He’s not mad that she turned a blind eye while he kept quiet about it, but he would be disappointed if she didn’t admit that she chose to ignore the warning signs.
‘Are you for real? I’m never more attracted to you than when you’re all assertive, and you’re pulling this now that you’re off limits?!’
‘That’s what’s upsetting you the most?’
‘That’s what I’m entitled to scold you about,’ she says, folding her arms. ‘Alright, I need to confer with myself for two minutes. Can you get us another round?’
Charles stands up with an apologetic pout that makes Elsy roll her affectionate eyes.
He collects their empty mugs and walks to the counter, his stress ebbing away. He might have to meet Elsy halfway, but compromising is a better outcome than the argument he was bracing himself for.
He asks for two teas and a slice of cake, and checks his messages while the barista prepares his order.
17:35 SPENCER got a date on saturday but told her i ran a 15k last weekend so need to have broken my leg since
17:36 SPENCER sick accident suggestions?
17:41 PHIL You pictured yourself running a 15K and laughed so hard you fell down the stairs
17:44 GEORGE You tripped on the absurdity of your plan?
17:46 ALEX Don’t lie!
17:48 SPENCER thanks for nothing
17:48 SPENCER where’s chaz when i need him
17:50 GEORGE Why would Charles be helpful here?
17:51 SPENCER he’d find something he’s a novelist!
17:53 PHIL Is he?
Charles mentioned his story the night he helped Spencer with his ski vlog and, as usual, Spencer jumped to a straightforward conclusion. But Charles isn’t a novelist. He can’t put three sentences together.
It reads good, though. ‘He’s a novelist.’ It reads right.
He tucks the thought away to examine it later and inches back to the table, helpless with a tray.
Elsy arches an eyebrow as she reaches for the plate. ‘I won’t share that!’
‘Taking food away from me isn’t the punishment you people think it is.’
‘Who’s people?’
‘Loris.’
‘He’s French! In his case, it’s a severe threat! Call me whenever he deems you unworthy of what he’s having for dinner.’
Charles sets the empty tray aside. ‘I’ll stack plastic containers in his flat.’
‘Good idea. You might need one soon. Catriona wants to have you over for dinner on Friday, and I’d like you to come as my boyfriend.
But it’s fine if you act distant! It’ll set the stage for what’s coming.
Because, yes, you will dump me. Otherwise, I’ll never hear the end of why I let someone like you go. ’
‘Why can’t I dump you today? It’d be logical that I was waiting for your return from the States.’
‘True, but she’s taking me to the Royal Opera House on Saturday.
I’m so looking forward to it, I don’t want to have to downplay my excitement because I’m supposed to be heartbroken.
Pleeease! One more performance in front of her.
And a couple of weeks before we announce it, so I can assess my post-breakup behaviour options.
I’ll talk to Loris about the dinner at my place! Pleeeease!’
She raises a spoon of whipped cream, but Charles pushes it aside with a soft laugh.
‘You agreed to one last appearance as my girlfriend, so yes, of course. And Loris should be fine with it. We took him off guard yesterday, but he’s understanding. And supportive. And very hot. Which is irrelevant here but always worth mentioning.’
Elsy shakes her head, trying to look mocking but unable to conceal her tenderness.
‘God, you’re hooked bad... I wish I could actively support your fairy tale from the start, but I’ll need to petty-grieve our relationship or my friends will know something fishy is going on.
I can’t tell them I was lying all along. They’d never forgive me.’
Charles glances at his phone where the conversation with his friends is still pending his participation. He’s not planning on coming clean with the guys either. Alex wouldn’t recover.
‘Another thing… Can you give me a few days’ notice before going public with Loris in Hampstead? I’d rather inform the girls first, so they’ll be able to reply “Yes, Elsy knows!” to people who get off on being the bearers of shocking news.’
Charles hums, scratching his thumb, a twinge of anxiety wringing his stomach.
Of all the pen-clicking headaches he’s been plagued by over the years, this is the one he feels the least stupid about. But being rightfully afraid doesn’t make the source of his fear less scary.
Reading him in a second, Elsy grabs his hand. ‘I understand you want to make the most of your guaranteed time with Loris, but don’t rush the general announcement.’
‘How did Divya react last night?’
‘She fell off the couch. But after I assured her I was cool with it, she was psyched.’
‘That’s good. Not surprising, though.’
‘Divya is a gem, yes, but she’s not our only gem. For sure, tongues will wag, and some will be covered in venom, but I can’t imagine any of the people whose opinion you value to think less of you. And if someone does, I’ll beat the living hell out of them.’
‘Once you’re done petty-grieving.’
‘Instantly. I’m allowed to bitch about my ex. No one else can.’
Charles twines their fingers together. ‘Please get over it quickly so we can be friends.’
‘I will. You weren’t that great. I had to share your affection with a Slovakian painter. But I’ll miss sleeping with you. And no need to “likewise” me to be polite, your honeymoon glow has been blinding me since you walked in.’
‘I love you so much.’
Charles slides his chair around the table and wraps his arms around Elsy to hug her very tight.
They remain embraced for as long as they did when they sealed their pact by the river in Surrey. Charles can’t relate to the person he was back then, but the comfort provided by Elsy hasn’t tailed off.
‘Now, when are we beating the crap out of your parents?’ she asks, drawing back.
‘Never…’
‘You can’t let them get away with what they did!’
‘But I think I should. Fred lost himself hating them. I want to find myself in spite of them. They can’t define who I am anymore.’
‘I’ll beat them up, then. George will hold them still for me. I bet Loris would be happy to help us.’
‘It’s an entertaining idea, but for the time being I—’
‘You want to keep honeymooning. Fair. Then tell me more about how you’re finding yourself in Loris’ sheets.’