Chapter 12
?
— Lilac —
I’d been practicing my speech for three days—circling around it, writing notes and throwing them away, rehearsing in the mirror until the words sounded like lies.
But nothing could have prepared me for this moment: my sons sitting across from me at the kitchen table, their favorite breakfast—pancakes with chocolate chips, bacon on the side—growing cold as they picked at it, waiting for me to say something.
My hands trembled. I clasped them together in my lap, squeezing until my knuckles ached.
“Boys, I need to talk to you about something important.”
They were already watching me—had been since I sat down.
At the sound of my voice, they glanced at each other, one of those wordless twin exchanges I’d never been able to decode—whatever passed between them in that look, it was theirs alone.
Then Knox set his fork down carefully, and Luca tilted his head, waiting.
“Is it about the mean man?” Luca asked, his fork hovering mid-air. “Is he coming back?”
“In a way.” I took a deep breath. “You know how you’ve always asked about your daddy? Why he’s not around?”
Knox nodded slowly. Luca’s jaw tightened.
“I always told you I didn’t know where he was.
That was true—I didn’t. You remember how I lost some of my memories, before you were born?
Some of what I forgot was him. But I’ve learned something new.
” I reached across the table and took their hands.
“That man. The one from the grocery store. His name is Colt. And he’s… he’s your daddy.”
“No.” Luca yanked his hand away. “No. He’s mean and scary. I hate him. He’s not our daddy. A daddy wouldn’t do that.”
“Luca—”
“He made you cry!” Luca was on his feet now, his breakfast forgotten. “That’s not a daddy. Daddies are supposed to be nice. Daddies are supposed to protect you!”
“You’re right.” I forced my voice steady. “Daddies are supposed to do those things. And Colt… he made a mistake. A lot of mistakes. He was told a lie about me, and he acted badly because he was hurt.”
“I don’t care.” Luca’s lower lip trembled, his eyes going glassy. “He hurt you.”
“He did. And he’s very sorry about it.” I stood and moved toward him slowly, giving him space to retreat if he needed to.
My hands ached to hold him, to protect him from this hurt I was causing.
“Baby, I’m not saying you have to like him.
I’m just telling you the truth—he’s your daddy, and he wants to meet you.
Properly. To show you he’s not really a bad man. ”
“What if he is?” Knox spoke up for the first time, his voice small. “What if he hurts us?”
“He won’t. I’ll be there the whole time, and Grandma Betty. We won’t let anything happen to you.” I pulled both boys into my arms, holding them close. “But if you don’t want to see him, we won’t. This is your choice. Okay?”
Luca buried his face in my shoulder. Knox was quiet, his small body tense against mine.
“Can we think about it?” Knox asked finally.
“Of course, baby. Take all the time you need.”
?
Knox came to me after dinner two days later, while Luca was in the bathroom and Betty was watching TV. His expression was serious, older than his six years.
“I want to meet him,” he said.
I set down the dish I was drying. “Are you sure?”
“He looked sad.” Knox frowned, like he was working through a puzzle. “At the store. He was angry, but he also looked really sad. Like when Luca pretends he’s not upset about something.”
I remembered him saying something similar that first night. My observant boy, seeing what others missed.
“I think…” Knox hesitated. “I think maybe he’s not a bad man. He’s just sad. Maybe if we let him meet us, he won’t be sad anymore.”
I pulled him into a hug. “That’s very kind of you, Knox.”
“Will Luca come too?”
“I don’t know. That’s up to Luca.”
Knox nodded solemnly. “I’ll talk to him.”
?
They came as a package deal. Luca wasn’t happy about it, but he wasn’t about to let Knox face the “mean man” alone. So the following Saturday afternoon, I found myself sitting on Betty’s back porch, watching my sons meet their father for the first time.
Colt arrived alone. He looked different today—softer somehow, the hard edges filed down. He was wearing jeans and a plain gray t-shirt instead of his leather cut, like he was trying to be less intimidating.
When his eyes met mine across the yard, I looked away first, my cheeks heating.
The boys stood on the porch steps watching us.
“Hey.” Colt’s voice was rough. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Hi. I’m Colt.”
“We know.” Luca’s arms were crossed, his stance defensive. “You’re the mean man from the store.”
“That’s me.” Colt didn’t flinch from the accusation. “I was mean. That was wrong of me. I’m really sorry for scaring you and your mama.”
“Why were you so angry?” Knox asked. He’d positioned himself slightly behind Luca, but his eyes were curious rather than afraid.
“Because my feelings were hurt.” Colt crouched down, bringing himself to their level. “A long time ago, someone I trusted lied to me about your mama. I believed them. So when I saw her, I was still really mad about that. I shouldn’t have acted that way.”
“What’d they lie about?” Knox pressed.
“That your mama left me.” Colt’s voice was steady, but I could see his hands trembling slightly. “She didn’t leave. Something happened and she got hurt real bad. She forgot lots of things. She even forgot me.”
Luca’s defensive posture shifted slightly. “Mama has am-nee-sha. She can’t remember before we were born.”
“That’s right. I didn’t know that. I thought she remembered and was just pretending not to.” Colt shook his head. “I was wrong about a lot of things.”
“Are you going to be mean again?” Luca demanded. “Because if you are, I’ll punch you. I did it before.”
“You did.” The corner of Colt’s mouth curved. “You were protecting your mama. That was brave.”
Luca stood up and crossed his arms over his chest, unconsciously mirroring Colt’s usual stance. “I always protect her.”
“I know. That’s… that’s good.” Colt’s voice caught. “That’s exactly what I would have done.”
Luca’s eyes shifted. He looked down at his shoes.
Knox stepped around his brother, moving closer to Colt. “Do you ride a big bike?”
“Yeah. I do.”
“Is it fast?”
“Pretty fast.”
“Cool.” Knox considered this. “We like big bikes but Mama says we can’t have one until we are thirty. That’s really old. She says they’re dangerous.”
“Your mama’s smart.” Colt glanced at me—something warm in his eyes—and I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly too aware of him. Too aware of the way he looked at me like I was something precious. “You should listen to her.”
“Do you have a dog?” Knox was warming up now, the questions coming faster.
“No dog. But the clubhouse has a cat that hangs around sometimes.”
“I want a dog. Mama says we can have a dog when we are old enough to look after it.”
“Dogs are a lot of responsibility.”
“That’s what Mama says too.” Knox tilted his head, studying Colt’s face. “You have the same eyes as us. Green.”
I watched Colt’s composure crack. Just for a second, just a flash of raw emotion before he pulled himself together.
“Yeah,” he said, his voice rough. “I guess I do.”
Luca had been watching this exchange in silence. Now he spoke up.
“If you’re our daddy, how come you weren’t here?” The question was an accusation. “How come Mama had to do everything by herself?”
Colt took a breath. “I didn’t know about you. I didn’t know your mama was… I didn’t know she needed me. If I had, I would have come. I would have been here for every single day.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.” Colt’s voice was thick. “I missed so much. But I’m here now. If you’ll let me.”
“Pinky promise?” Luca held out his little finger.
Colt looked uncertain. “I—”
“You hook your pinky with mine.” Luca reached forward and wrapped his small finger around Colt’s much larger one. Knox quickly added his pinky to the link.
“You can’t break a pinky promise,” Luca said solemnly. “It’s the most serious kind.”
“I pinky promise.” Colt’s voice was rough.
The boys stepped back.
Luca looked at Knox. Knox looked at Luca. More silent communication passing between them.
“You can stay,” Luca said finally. “But if you’re mean to Mama again, I’m telling Grandma Betty. And she’ll make you leave.”
“That’s fair.” Colt nodded seriously. “I’ll do my best to never give you a reason to do that.”
“Okay.” Luca uncrossed his arms. “You want to see our treehouse? Knox and me built it with Grandma Betty’s friend.”
Colt looked at me, asking permission. There was so much in his face that I had to look away. I nodded slowly, not trusting my voice.
“Yeah.” His voice was barely a whisper, rough with emotion. “I’d like that.”
I watched them walk across the yard together—my sons and their father, strangers beginning to know each other. Luca was still wary, keeping his distance. But Knox had drifted closer, pointing out features of the treehouse with growing enthusiasm.
Betty appeared beside me, pressing a cup of tea into my hands.
“That went better than expected,” she said.
“Knox decided he wasn’t a bad man, just sad.”
Betty nodded. “Smart boy.”
I watched Colt boost Knox up into the treehouse, his hands careful, his expression almost reverent. Like he couldn’t believe he was being allowed to do this. It hurt to watch and I couldn’t look away. “He’s trying,” I said, my voice unsteady.
“He is.”
“I don’t know if it’s enough.” The tea cup trembled slightly in my hands.
“It’s a start.” Betty squeezed my shoulder. “Give it time, sweetheart. Give yourself time.”
I nodded and sipped my tea, as I continued watching the man I didn’t remember fall in love with the sons he’d never known.