Something Sweet
COLT
“Mother fucker. Shit. Fuck. Shit shit shit.”
I’m usually the one cursing up a storm, so it’s kind of a surprise to hear it coming from Beck.
To be fair, the four-year-old stallion he’s trying to introduce to a bridle is so ornery we’ve nicknamed him Backbreaker. Which of course has me thinking about another type of back breaking, the one where I pin Lainey to the mattress and—
Nuh-huh. Not this early in the day. You can think about that later, in the privacy of your own home.
It’s been all of three days since Lainey came over for dinner and…everything else that ended up happening. But you’d think it’s been three months for how much I think about her.
How much I’ve been texting her now that I finally have her number.
It’s like LEGO building opened the floodgates.
We’ll tease each other. Talk about everything and nothing.
Flirt shamelessly. A few times, I almost worked up the courage to ask if she wanted to exchange some less-than-appropriate pictures but decided against it.
I like taking my time with this woman. Although my right hand’s been getting a workout, that’s for damn sure.
I turn to Mack, who’s in the corral with us this morning for our fifth attempt at getting a bridle on Polka-Dot.
Guess who came up with that name after he saw the Appaloosa’s brown-and-white spots?
Dean was tickled pink when Polka-Dot was born with more spots than any of us could count.
“Polka-Dot” was one of the few words my son could say at the time, and the name stuck.
“What’s up with him today?” I hook my thumb in Beck’s direction.
Mack shrugs, idly circling a lasso through the morning air. I wouldn’t say it’s crisp yet, but the weather’s definitely cooling off. Fall is my favorite time on the ranch. Leaves are changing, foals are done dropping, and we’re gearing up for later mornings (thank God).
“He said something about an old friend being in town,” Mack replies. “Think it put him off-kilter.”
Huh. Wonder who it could be? Takes a lot to rock Beck’s boat.
“Everything okay?” I ask.
“Not sure. I’ll do some digging.”
“Whatever the case, cussin’ like a sailor ain’t gonna get that bridle on any faster.”
I feel Mack’s stare burning a hole in the side of my head. “You do know that you cuss more than anyone I know. Myself included, and that’s saying something.”
“I’m not cussin’ today.” I pop my sleeves, picking at an invisible piece of lint on the denim. “All I’m saying is we don’t want to spook Polka-Dot.”
More staring. “Forgive me if I made this up, but weren’t you the one who called him the cuntiest cunt who ever cunted?”
I tip back my head and laugh, reveling in the warmth of the sun on my face. “I did, didn’t I? That was a bad day.”
“Speaking of bad days.” Mack gives me a look. “You talked to Billie yet? She misses you. So does Ry.”
My stomach knots. “I’m not ready to forgive them yet.”
“I get it. What they did—hiding it from you—that wasn’t cool. But I really do think they’re in love. We gotta give him a chance to prove he can treat her right, yeah?”
“Maybe that’s what I’m doing. Giving us all time to prove we’re grown-ups.”
“A grown-up would mend fences with his sister and best friend sooner rather than later. You don’t wanna miss out on any more of their story than you already have. We also miss you at Sunday supper.”
I cut my brother a glance. “Awful wise for someone younger than me.”
Mack grins. “Lainey’s younger than you too. Funny coincidence, that.”
Beck is still in the corral. Still cursing.
“I could use a little help!” he yells.
“Mack, why don’t you lend a hand? I think I’ll watch y’all today.”
“Watch us?”
“Yes.”
“Who are you?” Mack stares at me with wide eyes. “And what have you done with my brother’s body?”
“Ha.”
“You never watch. You always participate even though everyone offers to help, and then you bitch about it for days afterward.”
Putting my hands on the top rail, I take a deep, unhurried inhale. “Had a good night’s sleep. I feel pretty damn good today.”
“Beck!” Mack calls, his eyes never leaving me. “Come here, would you? I think we have a problem.”
Beck’s shoulders sag with relief. He jogs over, shaking out his hand. No doubt it’s covered in maple syrup. We coat the bridle with something sweet when we know we’re dealing with a difficult horse. Makes a mess, but it usually works.
Unless you’re dealing with Polka-Dot here. Then it doesn’t do a damn thing to end the breaking process any faster.
Usually, shit like this really fucks with my day. By quitting time, I’m filled to the brim with rage.
But right now, all I feel is…light. Calm. Cheesy as that sounds.
I also feel very, very horny. And excited. Tomorrow is Friday. Which means I get to see Lainey again. Maybe get her naked.
Maybe finally kiss her even.
Get her under me finally. She went riding with Dean one day after he got home from school, so I saw her then. She was also in the stables a few times. We’ve flirted, but I’m always left wanting more.
“What’s up?” Beck asks, hopping over the gate.
Mack motions to me. “Look at him.”
“I’m lookin’.” Beck screws up an eye against the sun. “Wait, what am I looking for? He seems…fine.”
“Exactly!” Mack moves his hands up and down in front of me. “Have you ever known our fearless leader to be fine?”
Beck blinks. Blinks again. “You’re right. Colt, where is your scowl? And your mean little squint?”
“You have a mean little squint too,” I reply, starting to sweat.
“Mine’s not mean.” Beck sounds offended. “Hold up. Hold up. You’re not being mean either. And you’re not angry. You’re actually—”
“Pleasant.” Mack shakes his head. “Something’s up.”
Fuck me, I hadn’t thought about my brothers finding out I’ve been hooking up with Lainey.
Well, I knew they’d find out because they’re gonna see me with her tomorrow night if they go out.
I guess I just hoped they’d know to leave well enough alone.
I deserve to have some fun, damn it. Everyone else in our family does.
You were an idiot to believe they’d not want to know.
Not because they care. But because they wanna give me a hard time about it.
Also. Let’s not forget Lainey is technically our employee. Sure, people hook up all the time on ranches. Proximity plus lack of other options equals lots of “commingling.” But it’s different when you’re the foreman and you’re a dad and the employee in question is seven years younger than you are.
Red flag, red flag, red flag.
How unlike me not to think this through. That does make me angry.
Then again, I feel like I’m always mad at myself, so what’s new? And that night, Lainey came over like one giant green flag. We played. We laughed. We talked about real shit.
“Wait. Wait.” Beck peers at me, his eyes going wide as recognition dawns. “Oh my God. You got laid, didn’t you?”
Mack’s mouth falls open. “You got laid? By who?”
“Why is that such a fucking shock to you?” I ask, knowing very well why it would be such a fucking shock that I did indeed fool around with someone. I can count on one hand the number of girls I’ve hooked up with in the three years since Abby passed.
“Holy shit, Colt.” Beck’s face splits into a shit-eating grin as he claps me on the shoulder. “It’s Lainey, isn’t it?”
“Lainey?” Mack, that jackass, is trying not to laugh. “I knew it! Age is only a number.”
“It is indeed,” Beck adds, looking at me. “I picked up on that tension the day y’all met. It’s like y’all hatin’ on each other was your foreplay or something.”
“Please never say the word ‘foreplay’ again when you’re with me, thanks. You’re also guilty of instigating shit by giving her my number.”
Beck just keeps grinning. “You’re welcome. And what’s wrong with foreplay? Nothing at all, if your good mood is any indication.”
“I mean, I get why you like her,” Mack adds. “She’s gorgeous—”
“Don’t.” I’m back to grunting. “And please don’t say anything to anyone else about…um, anything. Not that there’s anything to tell, but—yeah, Lainey’s an employee. She’s workin’ hard. Don’t wanna fuck with that, yeah?”
Beck puts a hand on his chest. “You got my word.”
Mack nods. “Same. But I’m just sayin’, she’s a lovely person. Not who I would’ve necessarily picked for you, granted. You know, her being—”
“Nice?” Beck tilts his head. “Smart? Different?”
Mack makes a pistol with his thumb and forefinger. “Bingo.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, dickheads.” I drape my forearms over the top railing.
Mack nudges me. “You know we’re just busting your chops. I’m actually pretty dang thrilled by this development.”
“Maybe different is good.” Beck squints at me. “Maybe it’s what you need.”
His unspoken words hang in the air between us. Lainey is different from Abby.
I’ll always love the mother of my son, but when we were deep in the trenches and I was debating whether to agree to a separation, I often thought that if I could go back and do things differently, I wouldn’t have married her.
We were so young. So unaware of the larger world that existed outside the little bubble of Hartsville.
I gotta give my brothers credit—they do pay attention. Working alongside your family isn’t always easy. We fight. Get on each other’s nerves. Get up in each other’s business. But at the end of the day, we show up for each other.
Which is why I don’t wanna lie to them. I could easily keep my mouth shut. That wouldn’t be lying, per se. But it wouldn’t be telling them the whole truth.
And maybe—hell, maybe I need their advice. I don’t always get along with Beck and Mack, but I do respect their opinions.
“We’re just having some fun together.” I pick my words carefully. “I didn’t go in expecting we’d hit it off, but here we are.”
Mack nods. “Here we are.”
“Dean is obsessed with her,” I add.
“So are you,” Beck replies.
I squint into the distance. “It can only be fun, though. She’s leaving.”
“Ah. Right.” Beck settles his arms on the railing beside mine. “Nothing wrong with that.”
“I just don’t want anyone getting hurt.”
Mack scoffs. “I imagine you’re pretty good at making sure expectations are clear.”
“Because I’m the best damn foreman you’ve ever worked for?”
“You’re the only foreman I’ve ever worked for,” Mack continues. “Well, other than Dad, but that doesn’t count because we were, like, ten.”
Beck’s turn to scoff. “Dad only taught us everything we know.” My brother eyes me. “You gotta tell him, you know. About you and Lainey. Even if it is just fun.”
I heave a sigh. “I know.”
Probably a good time to discuss why he didn’t tell me about hiring Lainey.
I have a good idea of what he’s going to say—that I’d pitch a fit and it wouldn’t be worth the hassle of me making his life a living hell while we waited for her to show up.
Which, fair. I’m realizing how hard I’ve been on myself and on everybody else.
I like to be in control. Makes sense when I think about how out of control everything was when Abby cheated and then got sick.
Let’s not forget the fact that I feel the weight of generations counting on me to keep shit going.
Beck gives my shoulder a squeeze. “Not every relationship or situationship or whatever—”
“What the hell is a situationship?” I ask.
Mack grimaces. “You don’t wanna know.”
“As I was saying”—Beck clears his throat—“not every relationship is going to blow up in your face, Colt. What if you and Lainey have your fun and nothing bad happens and then she finishes her job and leaves and that’s that?
No drama. No collateral damage. To be honest, that’s probably the most likely scenario. ”
“She’s younger than me. A lot younger.”
Beck nods. “Right. But she’s still an adult, capable of making adult decisions. Let’s be real, she’s way more mature than you are.”
Another fair point.
“You got your dukes up,” Mack says. “I don’t even think you realize it—that you go into everything expecting a fight. This isn’t a fight. This is fu—”
“And I’m out.” I push off the railing.
Mack laughs. “This is fun with friends. Good friends.”
“Naked friends.” Beck wags his eyebrows.
“Shut up.”
Beck shakes his head. “Never.”
Later, after we finally get the bridle on Polka-Dot and hay the northeast field and fix some fence down by the river, I think about what my brothers said as I drive to Mom and Dad’s to pick up Dean.
Lainey and I clearly aren’t meant to be together in the long term. But what if dating her teaches me something I need to learn to move on? Move on from the hurt, the grief, the sadness.
Maybe she teaches me something that will help me forgive Billie and Ryder too.
I don’t feel the pain of their betrayal quite so acutely anymore. Time really does heal all wounds. But maybe so does getting out. Doing something different. Participating in the world in a way I never really did before.
I wonder if the universe put Lainey in my way to teach me how to have fun again. Because that’s what the other night was—fun. The kind I forgot existed.
I woke up every day this week feeling lighter than I have in an age. Which makes me think I need more of this fun. Even as a teenager, I didn’t allow myself to let loose all that much. Hard to get silly when you feel like your family’s future rests on your shoulders.
When you’re in love and trying to do the right thing.
Fuck the right thing.
I’m going to do what I want for once. Maybe my brothers are right and shit won’t blow up in my face.
Or maybe it will. Either way, I can’t stop that from letting me live my damn life.
I can’t stop that from letting me confront the things I need to confront. Like my anger. My dad.
My sister and my best friend.