Man to Man
COLT
“So what’d you wanna talk about?”
I yank my brows together and let out a scoff as I glance over at my son, who’s riding Little Brother beside me. “What makes you think—”
“Dad, it’s Saturday. You let me skip soccer to ride with you. You wanna talk to me about something, I know it. Is it about Lainey?”
I blink. Yes, the sun is strong this time of day. But it’s my son’s perceptiveness that’s got my eyes doing funny things right now.
Maybe I’ve learned to pay attention from him. I wasn’t exactly perceptive when I was with Abby. Then again, I was young. I know better now.
At least I hope I know better, ’cause I wanna be better.
Threading Big Brother’s reins through the fingers of one hand, I put my other hand on my thigh. December brought with it beautiful weather: The heat and humidity of October are gone, replaced by temperatures that are actually enjoyable and a crisp breeze.
I suck in a lungful of cool, clean air and glance up at the sky.
It’s clear and very blue, a beautiful contrast to the greens and browns of the Hill Country below.
The pasture we’re riding through undulates into the distance as far as the eye can see, a series of canyons and crests I know like the back of my hand.
As I look at it, my heart feels tender and swollen.
I feel like I’m too biased to weigh in on Lainey’s decision to make a home here or not.
I really do want her to chase her dreams. She’s so talented.
Smart. Creative. Last thing I want to do is smother her or hold her back by “keeping” her in a small town like Hartsville.
But when I’m out here on the land, it doesn’t feel small. And Lainey did say the ranch was inspiring. Could she spread her wings and set down roots at the same time? Is it even right to ask that of her?
Fact is, though, I did ask her. And she said yes. And now we just have to figure out a way to make that idea a reality, which means I have to run it by my son first.
“It is about Lainey,” I say to Dean.
His face creases into the toothiest, happiest smile I think I’ve ever seen on him. “Is she your girlfriend now? I hope she’s your girlfriend, because then she can come live with us and build LEGO sets with me forever.”
I’m laughing now, quickly wiping a tear or two of relief from my eyes with the back of my hand. “She is my girlfriend. And I hope she’ll be sticking around to build LEGO sets with us.” I pause. “Wait. How do you even know what a girlfriend is?”
“Aunt Billie is Ryder’s girlfriend now,” Dean says with a shrug. “I asked her what it meant, and she told me.”
I hold the reins in a death grip. I’m over their betrayal, but God knows what my sister said about relationships. “What did she tell you?”
“That boyfriends and girlfriends are best friends and like each other very much. But sometimes they kiss, which is gross.”
I smile. I can’t wait to tell Lainey about this conversation. She’ll get a good laugh out of it.
Well done, Billie.
“Totally gross.”
“But otherwise, it sounds pretty cool. Having a girlfriend, I mean.” Dean squints up at me. “Does that mean Lainey is gonna stay with us? Like at our house?”
My stomach dips. “Maybe. Would you be okay with that?”
“I really really really really want to do sleepovers, so yeah, I’d definitely be okay with that. Can Sumner from school sleep over next?”
Okay, part of me is definitely still terrified that this is all gonna blow up in my face and that Lainey is gonna end up leaving after we can’t make it work and then Dean and I are going to be totally heartbroken. But I still can’t help but laugh.
I love this boy. So much it hurts.
“If you keep your underpants clean and you eat your vegetables, then yes, Sumner can sleep over.”
Dean nods. “Cool.”
“Cool.”
We ride in silence for a while after that. Dean starts singing Frozen songs to himself, thinking I can’t hear him over the clomping of the horse’s hooves.
Then out of the blue, he says, “I think Mom would be happy. You know, that we’re having sleepovers now.”
I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or brush off the thought. It’s kinda weird. It’s also…
Kinda nice.
Would Abby be happy for me? I’m not sure if we would’ve stayed together if she hadn’t passed.
I was always willing to give our marriage another try, but she had feelings for the man she had an affair with.
Much as that hurt back then, now I understand the whole situation in a way I didn’t before.
I get how lonely she must’ve felt when I put all my attention and energy into parenthood, relegating our marriage to the back burner.
I didn’t try nearly enough to connect with her or make her laugh or be a good friend to her.
I get it, Abby. I really do.
What if she fell in love with her guy so I could fall in love with Lainey?
Sounds strange—maybe I’m even crossing a line by thinking that—but I’m trying to glean some meaning from everything that’s gone down.
It’s nice to think all that pain, the betrayal and the heartbreak and the loss that we went through, would lead to something good.
Because at the end of the day, she was a good person just doing her best. I’d like to think I’m the same.
I just want to do right by our son. And I genuinely believe that’s what I’m doing by bringing Lainey into our lives.
“I think so too.” I’m wiping away more tears. “She’d be so proud of you, buddy.”
He glances up at the sky. “Bet she’s having a good old time up in heaven.”
“She is. We’re having a good time down here too, right?”
He grins. “The best.”
“You think we should ride over to Lainey’s?” I ask. “Maybe grab her a horse on the way so she can practice riding, since she’ll be doing a lot more of it with us?”
Dean throws up his arms. “Yes! Yes, Daddy, please!”
“Which horse do you think she’ll like best?”
He thinks on this for a minute. “Cream Puff will work in a pinch. But I think we should get Lainey her own horse. Maybe for Christmas!”
I burst out laughing. “Since when does Santa put horses under the Christmas tree?”
“I’ve been super good this year, so I’ll ask him. Pretty sure he won’t say no.”
Lord save us.
But really, will Lainey stick around that long? Because I’m already thinking about what I’d make for breakfast Christmas morning (cinnamon rolls for Dean, breakfast burritos and Bloody Marias for us). We’d open presents by the fire while we sipped our cocktails.
Dean would be in heaven. Not only because he’d get to open a small mountain of presents but also because Lainey would be at our house in the morning. Which meant she’d, yes, had a sleepover with us the night before.
Hasn’t happened yet.
I’d very much like it to.
“Won’t hurt to try,” I say. “C’mon, let’s go get our girl.”
“Let’s go!”