Chapter 9 #2
Without a word, she hugged him. Wrapped her arms around his center and held him, her head over his heart, her hair hanging down over his arm.
He resisted but knew that it was a losing battle. Hugging her back, he closed his eyes and rested his head on top of hers. This woman.
Breathing in the floral scent of her body spray, the other essence that was baby powder and the combined fragrance of Ava and Gracie. His heart beat slowly, steadily. Almost as if he could hear a word repeating with each beat of his heart.
He ignored it as long as he could. As he gave her a gentle kiss and said goodbye. Walking to his truck, he didn’t allow himself to acknowledge the word until he had left her neighborhood and was on the highway.
Home.
There it was. Repeating with each steady beat of his heart. The farther he was from Ava and Gracie, the louder his heartbeat and that word seemed to get.
Ava was restless after Chay left. Her nap made it harder for her to fall asleep, so she curled up to read in the corner of the couch where he’d sat. The scent of his aftershave was faint on the pillows.
This night…she hadn’t experienced anything like this since Greg. She’d sort of thought that she wouldn’t connect with a guy again. Not like that. It seemed to her that real connections with other people weren’t that common. It took a lot to find someone she really understood.
Not that she understood Chay. He was so complex, but there was a part of him that she totally understood. Maybe it was her being a therapist that helped her to see it, which she knew was dangerous.
She needed to see him as the man he was and not as a patient, which she totally did. But at the same time, she saw him clearly. Or she thought she did. He pushed so hard against being a father to Gracie, yet he instinctively was.
He loved that little girl, and Ava couldn’t blame him. Her heart was full of Gracie. Ava was trying to tell herself that being Gracie’s foster mom was enough, but combined with Chay’s presence in her life, she was starting to want more.
Things that she believed had died along with Greg in his car accident. Of course she was young and there was the possibility that she could adopt a baby on her own, but she knew that wasn’t her dream.
Gracie and Chay were just there in her mind’s eye when she looked to the future. Their faces growing older alongside her own. It wasn’t something that she was sure would happen, but she craved it.
Like nothing else she’d wanted since Greg had been in the hospital and she’d been praying he’d recover. It hurt to want something that badly. She knew better than to let her guard down, but it almost seemed as if it were too late.
Her guard had dropped the minute that Chay had taken Gracie into his arms and gotten her to stop crying. He’d said baby whisperer, but it was more like he was an Ava whisperer.
Just doing and saying the right things. And it wasn’t forced. He wasn’t playing a part, he was just being himself.
Not perfect in any way. He was gruff. That was obvious. He wasn’t overly chatty, but then, she didn’t need that. He was funny. And when he laughed, his eyes crinkled, and God help her, it was hard to breathe when she looked at him and he was laughing.
He wasn’t made for her, but it felt as if he had been. All those secret parts of herself she kept hidden felt okay around him. Like she didn’t have to pretend to be the best version of herself.
Given that he’d seen her twice with baby food and other mess on her clothes and hair, he knew she wasn’t perfect.
It wasn’t like everyone was demanding she be someone she wasn’t, but it had always just been easier to act normal…
whatever that was. Watch the same shows and listen to the same music.
Be that person that everyone felt comfortable around.
But she’d been short with Chay. She’d fallen asleep on Chay. She’d kissed the socks off Chay. He hadn’t run away. He kept asking her to do things with him, and her heart that had been sleeping so long, not really sure that it could love again, awoke.
It was beating steadily and making her feel emotions that she’d shut away. There was no denying it. She liked him.
Thinking about seeing him again in fourteen hours made her stomach feel like it had butterflies. Curling her legs underneath her, she reached for her phone. Looking through the recipes she’d saved, she wanted to make this dinner the best one. She wanted to impress him.
Wanted to show him all the best qualities she had. But she wasn’t a master chef—in fact, she barely got by. Also, what if he thought she could cook and expected her to keep cooking for him?
Ugh.
Laying her head on the back of the cushions, she realized that as much as she thought he liked her for her, it was hard to keep herself from trying to morph into someone she thought he’d fall for. Not healthy, Ava.
Forcing herself off the couch, she sat cross-legged in front of the fireplace. The last embers of the fire that she’d had going when Chay had been there were dying.
She put her hands on her knees and let herself fall into a meditative state. Took deep breaths and called out the things she loved about herself. Reminded herself that if Chay didn’t like those parts, then he wasn’t for her.
Were her feelings just a natural extension of her love for Gracie?
That would make things both complicated and easier.
If it was an extension, then she could pull back.
Stop letting Chay’s smile make her warm and gooey inside.
But if it was natural…that was scarier. She had no idea how she was going to keep from falling in love with him.
She knew better than anyone that love didn’t mean you got happily-ever-after.
At the same time, could she deny herself the chance to see what was blooming between her and Chay?
No. Of course she wasn’t going to deny it. She might not be a huge risk taker, but how often did love like this come along? Not that what she felt for him was love…but the potential was there.
Her back started to hurt from sitting for too long, so she trudged off to bed, no closer to an answer than she’d been before.