Chapter 29
CHAPTER 29
A NNIE
I sit alone at the dinner table on the first night of my cruise. So far, I’m the only one here.
When Janie and I booked the cruise, she insisted I choose the option to be seated family style for dinner so that I could meet new people. I think she was afraid I’d sit in my room all day otherwise. It’s possible she was right.
I’m nervous, but then I notice an older couple walk up to the table, smiling.
“My, aren’t you stunning? Look at those eyes!” the woman exclaims. She gracefully seats herself right next to me even though I’m the only one seated in any of the six chairs so far.
“I’m Millie, and this is my beau, Larry. We’re from Florida. How about you, dear?
“Hi, I’m Annie,” I say quietly. “I’m from Ohio.”
A few minutes after, I look up to see two very handsome men headed in our direction. I gulp—no way are they coming to this table.
When they are within feet of us, I realize I’m wrong …
“Hi, I’m Dominic, this is my brother, Tony,” the stockier one introduces them.
“What brings you two handsome boys on a cruise?” Millie asks.
“It’s Dom’s thirty-fifth birthday, so we shut down our residential construction company in Pittsburgh for the week and decided to celebrate on a cruise,” Tony explains.
We have an amazing dinner and I laugh for the first time since… well, since Teddy died. It turns out Dominic is quite the comedian, so he keeps us all entertained with his colorful stories. After dinner, I call it an early night, head back to my room to read and get to sleep early. Okay, if I’m being honest with myself, maybe there’s likely to be a little crying as well.
Twirling the swizzle stick in my martini, I smile as Dominic animatedly tells our group about how he and Tony almost got on the wrong ship today after an off-ship excursion.
“That is totally not how it happened,” Tony protests. He chuckles. “Dom here got distracted by a pretty woman and followed her onto the wrong boat. I just was dumb enough to blindly trail after him.”
“Speaking of beautiful women, I see that one of my friends I made yesterday just walked in. I’m going to go say hello. Enjoy your night, ladies and gentlemen.” Dominic winks at all of us before rising from the high-top bar table we’re seated at and heading toward the woman at the bar.
“Your brother is quite the Casanova, isn’t he, Tony?” Millie asks, beaming.
“That’s putting it lightly,” Tony answers, then laughs.
I was hesitant to come to one of the ship’s bars after dinner, but I’m glad now that our dinner group gently pressured me into joining them. I’m having a great time, and the distraction is good. I catch myself watching Tony and comparing him to his brother.
Both are ridiculously handsome, and Dominic is a “life of the party” type of fun. Tony is a super nice guy, funny in his own right and seems very kind. So far, but people aren’t always what they seem. Still, he at least doesn’t seem to be into the same type of “entertainment” as his brother.
A familiar tune fills the air and Millie pops up from her chair. “C’mon, we need to dance to this! It’s my favorite line dance!”
Her excitement is contagious, and I look at Tony and shrug. “What the heck, let’s do it.”
Tony and I join Millie and Larry on the dance floor for a few line dances and they outshine us both, despite being more than twice our age.
When the music changes to a slow song, I start back toward our table until Tony gently places his hand on my shoulder, halting me as I’m making my retreat.
“Will you dance with me, Annie?” he asks with a beautiful smile. I’m sure most women can’t resist it. Hell, I’m in love with another man and even I’m affected.
I hesitate for a second, and he seems to sense it when he says, “It’s just a dance, not a marriage proposal… yet.” He laughs and winks at me.
I chuckle. What the hell, I have no reason not to dance with him, I guess. I let him draw me closer and we begin to move to the music, him leading. He’s actually an excellent dancer, and I’m pleasantly surprised.
I have to admit, once we’re about halfway through the first slow song and I’m a bit more relaxed, it feels good to be held in his arms. Especially after the distance I felt from Jack, a man who was supposed to love me, over the last few weeks.
Tony’s a perfect gentleman. As he twirls me around the dance floor, I close my eyes while we sway to the music. Maybe I’m getting too relaxed, or maybe it’s the wine I’ve had, because I get lost in a daydream and it’s Jack’s face I’m seeing and Jack’s arms cradling me.
My eyes fly open, and I pull back a bit from Tony, realizing I’ve leaned into him more than I’m comfortable with. Fortunately, the song ends soon after that and I’m able to head back to the table. Once there, I take a big drink of my martini and get my bearings.
Later, when I finally go to my room, I try not to think about Jack but I struggle… A lot. After seeing him with Chelsea, I want to hate him, but I can’t, because if I’m being honest with myself, I miss him. I miss him so damn much that I dreamt about him again last night and it felt so real. In my dream, his heart had never gotten broken, and so, neither had mine.
Rolling over in the bed, I throw my arm out, reaching for Jack. When I don’t feel him, I pat the bed, looking for him. That’s the moment when it all comes back to me. I resist opening my eyes because I know it will confirm to my wakening brain what my sleeping brain has consistently refused to acknowledge—Jack isn’t here, and we aren’t together any longer.
Squeezing my eyes shut even tighter, I try to fight the tears that are building. When I can’t hold them off any longer, I open my eyes and let them fall onto the crisp white sheets. I’m full-on ugly crying now, my brain fully remembering my reality. I can’t believe how much more this hurts than what had happened with Jason.
Setting my alarm for thirty minutes, I tell myself that is how long I’m allowed to fall apart. I use up every one of thirty of those minutes, too, before I force myself to jump in the shower. Last night, I agreed to meet Millie this morning for a yoga and meditation class followed by shuffleboard with her, Larry, and Tony. Yep, I play doubles shuffleboard now.
“You can do this,” I say to myself in the mirror as I’m pulling my hair back into a messy bun. I throw on a T-shirt, some yoga pants, and the best smile I can muster before I head out of the door.
JACK
Not able to sleep, I find myself awake at four-thirty a.m., so I make a cup of coffee and take it out to the back patio. I sit on the two-seater bench and embrace the quiet of the night. After she does her business, Gracie climbs up onto the bench, lies down, and rests her head on my lap. I pet her head while I take in my surroundings.
As I look up at the moon, a tiny bit of peace washes over me, knowing that, somewhere, Annie’s under the same moon. But where, sugar? Where have you been these last few days? When are you coming home so I can tell you how sorry I am for hurting you?
I’ve been more afraid in these last several days than I can ever remember feeling prior to now. I just don’t know how to fix it. Not hearing her voice, or even a text from her, for almost four days now has scared the hell out of me. It’s shown me what it will feel like if Annie Brooks never forgives me and shuts me out of her life. I can’t imagine another week of this, let alone a lifetime.
A few hours later, I’ve dropped Gracie off at my parents’ for the day and am pulling my truck into the parking lot at Station Three. I’m a little early, so I sit in the truck for a few minutes, taking deep breaths to push down the panic threatening to rise. I’m going to ride in the ambulance today. If I’m serious about coping and getting my life back on track, I can’t avoid the ER anymore.
I take one last cleansing breath, then open my truck door and walk toward the building.
A few minutes after I enter the station, when we make assignments for the day, I speak up. “I want to ride on squad today with Fitz. Reynolds, will you train Finn today?”
I don’t miss the surprised looks on the faces of my team. They’ve all clearly noted that I haven’t been in an ambulance since Teddy died. Hence, I haven’t been back to the ER.
Reynolds answers quickly. “Sure thing, Jack.”
Finn nods.
Fitz dips his head at me subtly and, when everyone else has left the area, he pats me on the shoulder and says quietly, “I’ve got you.” Then he walks away.
Three hours later, we’re on our first medical call of the day and I’m pulling the ambulance up to First City ER. After we park, I help Fitz get the stretcher from the back of the rig. Before we move toward the ER, Fitz looks at me expectantly. I nod at him when I’m ready, and we begin our walk into the ER.
Every step I take is hard, so damn hard. My body wants me to stop, but I don’t. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk past the room where Teddy was. I’m shaking and my heart is pounding as I walk past Room One, but I still do it.
Over the rest of my twenty-four-hour shift, I end up doing it three more times. It’s never easy, but each time is less difficult than the one before.
Sitting at my dining room table, I stare down at the two journals lying before me. I have an appointment today to see the counselor I worked with when Shayna’s fiancé—my friend Tom—died. The counselor who helped me learn how to handle my feelings. After losing Annie shocked my system, I started a journal to help me process my feelings and the complicated grief I have over losing Ted. I plan to bring it with me to show the counselor today, so he can help me work through things.
I reach out and rub my hand over the second journal, the one the counselor won’t see. The one that’s for Annie’s eyes only. I don’t know if she’ll ever agree to read it but, since I can’t talk to her because she’s gone, I tried to capture in writing what I need her to know. I had promised her early on that I would always find a way to express my feelings to her and I’ve already broken that promise in the most miserable way over the last few weeks. I won’t keep breaking it.
I open Annie’s journal and read my first entry before starting one today.
Sept 22 -
Dear Annie,
I know this is an unconventional way to communicate, but I don’t know where you are, and I’ve been shit at expressing my feelings to you over these last few weeks. So, I thought I would try writing them. First, I’m so sorry I hurt you. I never meant to. I love you so much and I can’t believe I let my grief affect me to where I mistreated you.
The truth is, I blamed myself for Teddy dying. Specifically, I blamed the fact that I had fallen in love with you and spent so much of my time with you that I didn’t keep a close enough eye on Teddy. So, anytime I saw you, it reminded me of that guilt. I felt like I shouldn’t be happy when Teddy was gone because of that happiness. I know that isn’t fair, but it’s what was going on in my brain.
No one knows this but me, not even Emily… Teddy tried to hurt himself one other time, when we were younger. I had known he was in an awful place, so I was checking on him a lot and I found him in time to get him help. That’s the real reason I haven’t dated much after my divorce. I needed to avoid being distracted so I could keep an eye out for subtle changes in his behavior that could mean something was wrong. But it had been five years since the last time he tried and, when I met you, there was such an intense connection there that I’d never felt before, not even with Maggie. Those things, coupled with the fact that Teddy was getting married, made me think it was safe to allow someone into my life, to ease up on the vigilance I had about Teddy for so long.
So, when he died, I felt like I had failed him. I felt like if I had still been watching him so closely, I might have noticed something and been able to intervene before he started making choices that led him to feeling like this was his only option. I’m ashamed to admit this, but the night before I found him, he tried to call me and I didn’t answer because you and I were on the phone. I chose you over him that night and then he died, and I couldn’t handle what that felt like.
So, it doesn’t make any of what I did okay, but I just want you to know where my head was.
Losing you sent me over the edge. It was my rock bottom and I promise you I’m going to do everything I can to be a better man and work through this pain and guilt so that, if you can find it in your heart to give us another chance, you won’t regret it.
Come back to me, sugar. Please, come back to me.