33. Letters
Letters
Cody,
Ooooh, you’ve done it now. Prepare for a DISSERTATION-LENGTH LETTER, you asshole.
“I’ve always aspired to be nothing like my father, but after how I treated you, a part of me wonders if we’re cut from the same cloth.”
You are NOTHING like Clyde. Do you understand me?
Yes, you were a jerk, but men usually ARE.
You’re just a man. That’s all. Jesus, you’re not a murderer. (And being a soldier doesn’t count. Clyde did it for shits and giggles. You did it because it was your duty. Which, okay, sounds bad, but we let soldiers kill people. It’s normal. [Man, that’s even stranger. But you know what I’m talking about.])
And I’m so annoyed that you’re making me defend you! AAGH.
Onto the next part:
“I guess I’m writing a letter you may never see because after talking to you this morning, I’m desperate.
I need to get my feelings out somehow and I’m at a loss, so this is my solution.
I missed you.
I missed you so fucking much.
You wouldn’t know that though because why would you?
All you know is that I cut ties.”
I’m going to call you a jerk again. Prepare to read that a lot because I can call you a jerk, but you can’t call yourself one. Got me?
You missed me.
YOU missed ME?!
Yeah, bet your ass that’s all I know—you cut ties like a coward and you’re not a coward. Because, see above, you’re nothing like your father.
If I had a cup of coffee, I’d throw it at you.
And yes, I know you sent me the coffee from my favorite roastery. And yes, I know they don’t do deliveries because I’ve tried before to get them to send to me. And as grateful as I am, you’re still a jerk!
Ooooh, you’ve made me so mad!!!!!
“I regret that. Does that help?”
NO.
No, it doesn’t help.
JERK.
You were suffering when you could have come to me. What about that sounds like something that’d make me feel better? Who deals well with abandonment?
I could have hugged you and made you suffocate in my tits and then you could have given me one of those orgasms that are better than freakin’ fries dipped into milkshakes and we could have been happy.
They call it happily ever after for a reason, Cody!
Instead, you were a JERK, so we’re back to writing letters to each other when you’re down the hall being all hot and I’m not allowed to even look because you don’t deserve my feminine appreciation. I’m so tempted to sneak into your room and dip your hand into warm water tonight.
Juvenile—maybe.
Because I’ve been told that murder comes with a life sentence and they don’t let prisoners have instruments so I can’t go to jail.
“My reasons at the time were logical, but I now see that I was the opposite of logical back then.
My logic was skewed, and because of it, I might have lost the best thing to ever happen to me.”
At least you recognize that I’m the best thing that happened to you!
That’s some solace, I suppose. You’re a jerk, but not stupid, and you know how I feel about stupid men.
You just came through the front door—I can hear Callan talking to you. You’re lucky that I’ve decided a life of crime isn’t for me, otherwise I’d shove this letter down your throat!
“Do you know, some days, when I was on base, I’d stare at the ceiling and think about you?”
NO. I DIDN’T KNOW THAT BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T TELL ME, JERKY MCJERKFACE.
“On the dark days, I’m pretty sure you were the only thing that got me out of bed.”
OOOOhhh. I’M EVEN MADDER NOW.
Why did you toss me out of your life like I was trash then?!
I don’t understand you. You really are from Jupiter and I’m clearly from Venus. Venus obviously comes with health benefits and beaches and no blizzards and there are NO MEN ALLOWED.
“You were the only one I could tell about my struggles with being in the Air Force.
You never judged me.
Your black and white view of things forced me to get straight to the heart of the matter.”
So why didn’t you think I could help you through whatever you were dealing with?
Instead, you made me feel like trash when I was the solution to your woes.
You’re daring to laugh with Colt in the kitchen when I want to shake you.
“I kept all your letters, but I know them verbatim anyway.”
Do not make me cry when I’m angry with you.
“That’s the bullshit they tell you to get you fighting.”
I’m so happy that you recognized the bullshit, but I never thought you retiring from the RCAF would make you retire from ME too.
I don’t understand why one led to the other.
What happened?
Did I do something wrong?
I hate that you made me question something that was so uncomplicated. Writing to you was as easy as 1, 2, 3 for me, but when you threw me away, I reread all your letters too, looking for clues. Things I might have done wrong. Words I should never have written, but I was my usual self with you. That was the best part of our letters—I was the real Tee with you and you seemed to like that.
I’m so confused.
I’m a genius, Cody. We don’t do confusion well, and you have Callan for a brother, so you should have known that without me having to spell it out for you.
“But thank you.
For being you.
For being strange.
For being beautiful.
For being kind.
For being understanding.
For all those things and a thousand more.”
You’re welcome. NOT. Jerk.
“I miss you.”
Fuck you because I miss you too!
Don’t even think about talking to me.
Tee
PS. I expect a letter back. In fact, I expect 2000 words and I will grade you. If you don’t get at least a B-, I won’t reply.
P.P.S. Would you say you’re disciplined? (Yes, I know you were a soldier. But your sleep’s all over the place and your bedroom’s a mess. So I’m checking.)