Letter 4
Tee,
9
And thank you for the B.
What’s with the short letter, though?
Is this a test? I know you hate short letters.
So, I’ll tell you something. The overachiever in me has to work for an A…
I lied in that final letter to you.
I was injured. Badly. Worse than you saw me the day at the BBQ. Remember I told you about Sundance crashing into me? The aftermath fucked me up.
I woke up to be told that my career was over.
I woke up to find my father sneering at me, telling me I was useless. Defective. A lot of other ableist bullshit that he said to tear me down.
I regret to admit that it worked.
It’s one of the reasons I wrote to you.
Your letter came in just after I told him to get out. It was striped. Neon pink. It made me smile. The memory is making me smile now. But then the smile died.
Because what if you thought the same as he did?
I wasn’t sure how I’d cope.
We lost Ricky. Then Paulie. And it was like I lost ME too.
I know you’ll be angry at me because I know you’re not ableist. You have the warmest heart, Tee, and it’s to my discredit that I ever thought badly of you. But in my defense, I wondered if my brothers would feel the same.
My whole life has been geared toward being a pilot, Tee.
What was I without my career?
I’d lost my identity.
And I had no idea what to do with the rest of my life.
Plus, I hate to say it, but everyone knows what happens when a veteran goes back home broken. Divorce rates are high. Some turn to drinking. The stats aren’t pretty. I wanted to spare you that. Spare you ME. Especially if… Well, I was raised in an abusive home. Breeding matters. What if THAT had been bred into me?
I never wanted to hurt you physically, but I broke something else instead.
I’ll never forgive myself, and even though it’s not enough, I hope you know that I’m sorry.
Fuck, I miss you.
Can you please play “Iron Sky” by Paolo Nutini for me?
I understand if you won’t.
Yours.
Forever.
Cody