43. Cody
Cody
W e made a deal, Tee and I.
After helping her with Milord, I was supposed to head to her bedroom, but I don’t have the energy to make it farther than the den, where I take up my usual spot on the couch.
A part of me hopes she’ll play for me, but another part wants to be alone.
Until, of course, she takes that decision away from me.
I don’t know when I fell asleep, but I know that when I wake up, I have a mouthful of her hair lodged in my throat.
Still, it’s nice.
Not being alone.
Her arms around me.
Her feet entangled with mine.
Even though she wants to keep things on the down-low, even though I know she’s still hurting from my past actions, she’s here with me, holding me because she knew that was what I needed.
I stare at the ceiling, which is pitch black until some critter knocks on the security light outside.
The shadows dance overhead until they stop, leaving me in a pit of darkness again, the only sound coming from the mantel clock and her soft breathing.
It soothes something deep inside, something raw.
Lets me take a deeper inhalation than I would have earlier and enables me to release it, slowly and with intent.
“That was a lot to unpack over key lime pie.”
I still. “Didn’t realize you were awake.”
“I napped. But I was worried about you.”
“Sometimes, I can’t imagine hating him more than I do,” I admit gruffly. “Then Mum shares something from the past, Callan flinches, Cole makes some joke about something hideous from our childhood, or Colt gets that look in his eye where he’s reminded of everything he had to give up and I hate him all over again.”
“What did Colt have to give up?” I can feel her grimace against my throat. “Aside from his innocence, of course.”
“Colt stuck close to Saskatoon. Not dissing his alma mater, but he had the smarts for somewhere a lot fancier. He should have traveled. Sowed his wild oats. But he couldn’t. He had to stay close to the ranch. Had to be a father to his brothers. Too much responsibility,” I mutter. “It’s a wonder if they’ll ever have kids.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s already been a dad to Callan, never mind Cole. Clay was around to pick up the slack with me. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t the one I came to with my problems. Why would he want to add to that responsibility?”
“Nah,” she disagrees. “I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who was made to be a dad more than your brother.”
“And you’d know the required specifications, huh?” Despite the heavy topic, my lips twitch.
Honestly, her bullshit is not only refreshing, but relaxing.
“Hey, I have great parental examples. I mean, I bitch about them, but the only problem I really have with them is that they want me to be boring.”
“How dare they.”
“Precisely. They want me to be stable and secure.” I can feel her eye roll. “Honestly, could you imagine me being either of those things?”
“No, I guess not.”
“Uh-huh. In fact, you’re making my grievances with my family seem petty. Here I am, two folks whose major crime is wanting me to be respectable, and here you are with a father who killed his brother and God only knows who else and a mother who had to run before she was murdered.”
“We lucked out.”
“I’ll say.” She rests her chin on my chest. “Want me to play for you? I brought my violino piccolo.”
“No.” I hold her tighter to me. “I want you here. With me.”
“That I can do.” She kisses my shoulder. “Very easily.”
“Sorry about earlier.”
“It’s fine. I-I know dinner was heavy. I wanted to give you space, but when I found you here, I just couldn’t leave you alone.”
“I’m glad.” My throat feels tight as I admit, “I used to dream about having a normal family. Whenever I went around to Bast’s place, it was heaven and hell. His family is, was , so fucking ordinary. I used to be so jealous. If anyone deserves something horrific like early Alzheimer’s, it’s Clyde?—”
“Only the good die young,” she snipes.
“I know that’s a terrible thing to say?—”
“Nah,” she interrupts me again. “You’re human, Cody. I get the feeling Elena mothered you a bit?”
“Just a bit. She used to let me hide out there sometimes when Clyde was home. I stayed there two weeks one time until that bastard dragged me back.”
“I don’t understand how he got away with it. How did so many adults fail you? Your teachers… anyone?! How can Harry know what color panties Mrs. Diedric’s wearing but not that four kids and their mother were having the shit kicked out of them on the regular?”
Her righteous anger makes it easier to breathe. “Fear.”
“Of?”
“You know why, Tee. You’re just letting anger cloud your judgment. Clyde controlled the town from Mount Olympus. Controlled jobs. Controlled the RCMP through bribes?—”
“It’s hideous.”
“Can’t argue with that.” I rub my eyes. “It’s just fucked up how we all forgot about that road trip.”
“Never heard of collective trauma? That whole situation was the last time any of you saw her again before the divorce by the sound of it. Why wouldn’t you be traumatized? I’m traumatized by the story, Cody. Anyway, it seems like Mrs. Abelman went out of her way to make you forget.”
“She’s our mum,” I rasp, the words raw. “We failed her.”
“Hey! Less of that. You were kids. Not adults. This wasn’t on you. Jesus, Cody. Don’t take on a burden that was never yours to carry.”
“He almost killed her!”
“And since when is that your fault?” She kisses my shoulder again to take the sting out of her words. “Did you have no clue about Elena and Clay?”
“None. But maybe that was why she was more invested in Colt and me. Everyone knew how much Clay loved his nephews.”
She hums. The sound reassures me that something is right in my world. “Can you imagine not being able to have a family of your own because your little brother is a psychotic asswipe?”
Pain spears me. “He must have been lonely.”
“Yeah. I mean, Anthony is an asswipe, but he’s definitely not psychotic. Unless you watch him at a hockey game.” We’re silent for a few moments, then she whispers, “What are you going to do?”
“Find more evidence to lock him away for a lifetime.”
“Is there any evidence to find?”
“Won’t know until I look.” I grit my teeth as I think about the myriad ways that bastard has tried to ruin my life. “You know I told you about when I was in the hospital?”
“And he called you defective so you wrote me that ‘Dear John’ because you figured I might share his opinion?” she rattles off sweetly. “Yes. I remember.”
I wince. “Can you understand now why I might let his words sink home?”
That has her sagging into me. “Yes.”
I reach behind me so I can snag a hold of her hand. “Not excusing what I did. Not even asking for any leniency or forgiveness. Just…”
“Yeah.”
“You tried some more with Milord tonight?
“Before I came looking for you. Callan and I went to feed the hounds of hell earlier. It didn’t work. Little shits.”
I clear my throat. “Bet that was fun to watch.”
She sniffs.
“How’s Callan? I should have gone to him but?—”
“I’m more emotionally intelligent than you,” she informs me. “When you went underground, I figured you needed space until I got tired of giving it to you, so I managed Callan. Colt has Zee. Your mum has Mrs. Abelman.” Wait, what? “But Callan needed someone too, so we fed the dogs who hate our guts and he told me that he’s never wanted to kill anyone before until Clyde.”
“My pacifist brother is broken.” I choke out a curse. “Clyde’s the nightmare that keeps on giving.”
“Baby Cowboy’s all right. Would have been better if our dogs didn’t prefer to be Tramps instead of Ladies, but we can’t have everything. To make up for it, I let him win tonight’s round of Halo ?—”
“You let him?”
“Uh-huh. The sacrifices I make for you.”
“I’m lucky to have you in my life.”
“Sure you are.” She pats my stomach. “But I have to warn you… if you lump me in with your father’s ilk again, I’ll serve you a dog meat sandwich.”
“Copy.” I grimace. “Jesus, I can’t believe I forgot. Where’s Brogan?”
“On the couch over there.”
“He is? I didn’t hear him.”
“He doesn’t snore.”
“You can share him with me until we can make yours like you.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
She nuzzles her nose against my shoulder and tightens her arm around my waist.
And though everything is all wrong with my world, this moment here, this precise minute feels right . Enough to sleep. With this woman I love and, despite my flaws and many fuckups, who loves me in turn.