57. Cody
Cody
S he might as well have punched me in the gut.
Then stabbed me in the eye.
And then kicked me in the balls.
“I’ve never said goodbye to you.”
The problem is, I’m confused. In Tee’s words, I’m hella confused. Because when she was looking at me throughout the ceremony, I felt like that link between us was raging with life, filled with energy and love and fucking everything that I never thought I’d have because I didn’t know you could feel this way for someone.
‘Butch’ let her down, sure, but to throw it in my face that I said goodbye to her after that glorious connection that arced between us at the ceremony fucking stings.
I was all primed to clear the air with her after my talk with Mike yesterday, to make her see that she was the most important person in my life, and then Callan had to go and find a band crisis.
What even is that, anyway?
Fuck.
I watch her go, a lot confused.
I can’t fix what I don’t understand and?—
“You seem troubled, son.”
I jolt at the second interruption in as many minutes and find my mum staring at me, a pina colada in her hand.
“Want a sip?”
I don’t. I really don’t. “Sure.” After I drink, I hiss. “Jesus, how much rum did you put in that?”
She grins. “Ida knows I like ‘em strong.”
“She delivered.”
A soft hand tugs on my elbow, and she guides me from the clearing where I was standing toward a small alcove housing a bench that’s been Callanized on the outskirts of the backyard with blossoms tucked all around it.
Honestly, the little shit’s missed his calling as a wedding planner.
“You want to talk about something?”
“I—” Do I? The panic that fills me at the prospect of Tee wanting to walk away, of her deciding that I can never make up for what I did as Butch doubles down on a truth I was already fully aware of—I don’t want to ‘do’ this life without her. “I don’t understand her.”
When more words aren’t forthcoming, she muses, “Noticed you’ve been spending time with Tee in her room.”
Agitated, I run a hand through my hair. “Don’t need the birds and the bees talk, Mum.”
“Wasn’t going to give it to you. Smart arse.”
I release a chuckle. “Long time since you’ve called me that.”
She sniffs as I sit back, shoving my arm up against hers. Her head tips to the side and rests on my shoulder. “Long time since you’ve deserved it. What’s going on, Cody? Is it... I thought everything was okay between you two. I overheard Zee and Colt talking about you sending her the ‘Dear John’ letter she was upset about at the summer BBQ.
“It’s unlike you to be such a coward, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt like she clearly did because next thing I knew, you were spending time together... at night. So, what’s going on?”
“I love her, Mum,” I confess like it’s a sin.
“That’s always positive. Does she know that?”
“Yeah.” I rub my brow. “But she told me she’s scared.”
“Of what?”
“I don’t know. We were looking at each other throughout the ceremony and we were happy, I know we were, and then her mood...”
“Shifted.”
“Yes.”
“There a reason you haven’t gone public with her?”
“She wants to keep things simple. Says her mom will pressure her into being normal.”
“Angela MacFarlane is like one of those...” She clicks her fingers. “You know, the women who make cinnamon grahams from scratch.”
“A trad wife.”
“Yes, one of those. I can imagine it must be very difficult for someone of Tee’s nature to be raised in a household like that.”
“She was safe. And loved.”
“Oh, darling, that doesn’t mean it was a perfect childhood. In comparison to yours, it probably seems like she was raised with Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, but that doesn’t take away her own trials and tribulations.
“As much of a trad wife as her mom is, her father’s the same. It must be frustrating when you don’t want to be a round peg being shoved into a round hole.” She takes a sip of her drink. “When she was talking with Callan one night, I heard her tell him she was pansexual. That isn’t an issue for you, is it?”
“Why would it be?” I grouse, annoyed by the irrelevant topic. “I’m the one she chooses to be with.” That’s if she has chosen to be with me. Goddammit.
She pats my hand. “Ida did a good job with my boys.”
I grunt. “I didn’t mind. Her keeping us quiet, I mean.”
“Why not?”
“Because I let her down, and if that was what she needed to forgive me, then I’d have done anything to fix my fuckup.”
“Do you see how that might send her mixed signals though? If she wanted that, if she demanded that, the fact you’re so willing to keep her quiet probably rubs every single one of her insecurities raw.”
I hiss under my breath. “Women are complicated.”
“Men are too. I’ve seen how you look at her. I watched you during the wedding.” A wide grin beams from her as she peers at me. “I wanted to see that look on all my boys’ faces, and now I have—three times. It’s wonderful.” She presses a hand to her heart. “I love how in love you all are. I was so scared that what you were raised with... I don’t know, that it might affect that in you. That you’d be scared of intimacy.
“A part of me was terrified you’d be more like your father than me because he had so many opportunities to influence you—but you’re not like him. And you’re not like me. You’re not afraid to go after what you want. To take what’s yours. So that begs the question—why are you so content to keep things quiet?
“I know you said it was to give her what she needed, but that doesn’t mean you can’t resent it.”
“I do,” I mutter. “But I know Tee. She’s already let it loose to Zee and her nonna. Bast knows. Elena too, probably—if she can remember. Tee is incapable of keeping things quiet. I know it’ll come out at her own pace and with her people.”
“She was plenty quiet about our damn dogs.”
“Shut up.” Despite my concern for what just happened with Tee, I snicker and nudge Mum with my elbow. “You like yours.”
“I do now. But I’d have preferred the choice.”
“Yeah, Tee and Callan getting together is a nightmare made in hell for the Korhonens.”
“Wouldn’t be surprised if Cole ends up taking a dog home with him.”
“With all his and Mia’s cats? Nah.”
Mum hoots as she swirls her straw around the glass in her hand. “Why did you cut ties with her?”
“As her pen pal?”
“Yes.”
It’s not that easy to share the truth with Mum. Especially because if I’d called her when I was in the hospital, she would have been every bit as supportive as Tee would have been.
By the time I’m done, when I’ve shared how much of an asswipe Clyde is, how he fucked with my head while I was in a hospital bed, she’s turned her face into my jacket and is weeping.
I stare at the sky that blankets my home, so bright a blue it stings. “I needed to be angry and he gave me that. A part of me would like to think he did it on purpose, to motivate me, but that’s not how he works.”
“No, he likes to pour salt in the wound,” she mutters soggily. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, son. Again.”
“You would have been if I called you. I know that. Hell, I knew it then. I could have written to Tee and she’d have taken the next flight out. But I…”
I wanted to wallow. Jeez, did T rub off on Butch or what?
She pats my knee. “I know.”
“Do you?”
“I can understand even if I don’t like it. And to be honest, I think I can see Tee’s problem.
“That day of the BBQ, when she came here for the first time and she was so upset about getting her ‘Dear John’ letter—we all heard about it. She inadvertently advertised it to everyone with a McAllister and a Korhonen surname.
“That was family, but on a wider level, she’s embarrassed and afraid of falling flat on her face if you decide to change your mind. Imagine how it feels to believe you’re so in sync with someone, and then for that person to sever the link and not cauterize the wound.
“And then, you fall deeper for that person and you start to love them. Not the long-distance love that could be destroyed once the reality of life gets in the way, but honest to God love . Wouldn’t you be scared? Especially when that person looks at you the way you looked at her, and yet what you have together is a secret. A secret you asked for, but suddenly, it’s a curse and not a blessing.
“ Suddenly , you regret keeping things quiet. You wish you’d ripped off the Band-Aid. But that person seemed so okay with keeping it a secret that you’re trapped... It’s a vicious cycle.
“And, at her heart, she’s still raw from the ‘Dear John’ letter. She wants to tell the world because her love is so big she doesn’t want to contain it anymore, but how do you rip off that Band-Aid when it’s been going on for weeks?—”
My throat bobs. “Almost two months.”
She tsks. “It’s natural that she’s scared.”
“When you put it like that...”
A soft laugh escapes her. “I’m not the wisest woman in the world, but if I can offer anything, it’s common sense.”
Before I can thank her, my cell buzzes. I grit my teeth when I see Bree’s name on my caller ID.
“What is it? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Pressing a kiss to the crown of her head, I murmur, “Thank you for helping, Mum.”
“Always here if you need me,” she says, tone wistful. “I used to dream about being the one you came to with girl troubles…”
“She’s the only girl who matters.”
“Good boy,” she praises.
“I have to take this.”
Her nose wrinkles, but she shrugs. “I’ll leave you to it, just don’t forget it’s your brother’s day.”
The urge to ignore the call is one I don’t want to fight.
The last thing I want is to miss Cole’s wedding or to leave Tee here when that conversation was so weird between us. I’d wanted to dance with her later, dammit, and tease Colt for drooling over Zee at the ceremony, as well as give Callan a Xanax to calm him down…
Just as the temptation to throw caution to the wind hits me, as the resentment at never being off-duty, at being needed even on my brother’s most special of days, Bree calls me again.
Dammit to hell.
“Report,” I bark as a greeting.
“A three-man team was found trying to breach the perimeter of one of the bunkhouses.”
“Where are they?”
“The detachment.”
“Shit.”
“No, it would have been shit if we hadn’t caught them,” she says wryly.
The tension in my shoulders doesn’t abate even if our security handled and neutralized the threat. “Do you know which woman they were after?”
“Not yet. Marty is waiting for you to talk to them.”
“Fuck.”
“Sorry to ruin the big day.”
“Least I got to see the goddamn nuptials.”
“Hey, look at it this way, you can get back in time for the meal. I saw the invitations. It isn’t until six.”
I grunt as I dip into the kitchen to snag my truck keys. “I’ll be there ASAP.”
“Lights on? Naughty.”
“Think this constitutes an emergency,” I say dryly. “What with the bulk of the New York Stars’ hockey team being in residence.”
“If you say so.”
I cut the call.
The last thing I want to deal with is this, but it’s important. Not because one of those innocent women might have been abducted today if I hadn’t taken measures to send them away, but also because the love of my fucking life is playing the cello at my brother’s wedding.
Protecting my family will always be my first priority.
I won’t lose anyone else.
I won’t.
Heading into the kitchen, I bump into Mum.
“You okay?” I ask after I hold her shoulders to keep her steady.
“Just wanted to give you something,” she assures me.
“What is it?” I stare at the small cotton pouch pinched between her fingers.
Mum doesn’t answer, just tucks it behind my pocket square. “Doesn’t matter. Stay safe, hmm? Try to get back so you can enjoy your brother’s big day.”
I kiss her cheek but make no promises. “I’ll see you later.”
She nods, and I can feel her eyes on me as she watches me go.
It’s only when I’m on the barren road to town that I snag the pouch and blindly toss the contents onto my lap.
My brows lift. “Guess that’s as much of a seal of approval as I’ll ever get.”