Chapter Thirty-One
Alaina
I ’m sitting up in bed, trying to wrap my head around everything. Could my wolf really be gone? It was unfathomable.
“This is crazy.” Dax throws his hands up and stands, causing Dr. Fawley to flinch. He paces the room, rubbing his chin, with the other hand on his hip. Dax then begins interrogating Dr. Fawley about what might be happening to me, trying to make sense of it all. But the truth of the matter is that what Dr. Fawley is saying does make sense. It’s just hard to accept. Dax and Dr. Fawley have been going back and forth for several minutes, arguing semantics. Dax is questioning Dr. Fawley’s intelligence, and everything about their interaction from tone and context is escalating. Between their arguing and my own processing of this information, it becomes too much, and I explode.
“Stop!” I yell over them.
Unintentionally, my voice carries throughout the house, causing glass items in the room to shatter. I jump at the sound.
Shit, I didn’t mean to do that.
Dax and Dr. Fawley halt their bickering to look at me.
I rub my temples, feeling a headache coming on. I need quiet. “Dr. Fawley, thank you for your time. But I need you to leave. Please.”
“As you wish, Your Majesty,” Dr. Fawley says. She gathers her things, bows, then makes for a speedy exit.
Dax grabs my hand and kisses it. “Are you okay?”
I sigh. “Yes, I’m just getting a headache. I couldn’t deal with all that yelling. Sorry I yelled.”
Dax nods. “Don’t apologize. You’ve been through a lot.” He pauses. “But we’ll get through this like everything else.”
He’s being so understanding, but all I feel is guilt. “Why are you so good to me?”
He chuckles. “Because I love you so damn much.” He kisses my forehead.
“I love you, too,” I say. “What am I going to do? I can’t rule the kingdom of werewolves without being one myself. Who would follow me?” I bite back the tears and cover my face with my hands.
“Hey, hey.” Dax gently pulls my hands from my face to look into my eyes. “You are loved by our people. Wolf or no wolf, you are their queen, and they will accept you as they already do.”
I give him a half-hearted smile.
“Okay?” he asks.
I nod.
“I’m going to go into town to talk to some other doctors and get a second opinion. I’ll make some calls and get the best medical team put together for you. We’ll figure this out. I’ll come check on you in a couple hours or so. I won’t be long.” Dax kisses me and walks out.
When he leaves, I lay my head back against the pillow, staring up at the ceiling, processing it all now that it’s silent. My thoughts run rampant as I try to speak to my wolf through the mindlink. She doesn’t answer.
I hoped Dr. Fawley was wrong and that my wolf just needed space after everything we’d been through. But I don’t feel her with me even when we’re all alone.
My faith backfires into disappointment. My wolf is gone.
My chest tightens, a lump in my throat forming. I want to cry even more when I don’t hear her whimper at the physiological pain of grief. Everything from here on out, I’ll have to endure without her.
I’m running through all the possible reasons why she might be gone, fixated on finding out what’s wrong with me, when a knock on the door breaks my focus. “What?” I growl.
“I just came to check on you. We haven’t really had a chance to talk,” Taya says, shutting the door behind her.
Great, now I’ve snapped at my best friend. I groan.
“Would you rather I come back later?” she asks.
“No. Stay. I wasn’t groaning because of you. Please, come in. Come sit.” I pat the bed.
Taya moves quickly toward me, hopping on the bed next to me, and we hug longer than usual.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you.” We release each other’s hold. “I’ve been quick to anger lately and taking it out on everyone. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“It’s okay. I don’t blame you,” she says. “You’ve been through a lot.”
“Everyone keeps saying that, but I’m fine.” I wince, knowing I’ve caught another tone with her. Besides the constant irritation, I am fine. It’s probably just going to take time for me to get used to being a vampire.
“I’ve known you for practically our whole lives. You’re not fine. You’ve got a bratty mouth on you but getting frustrated so quickly isn’t like you. I’m worried about you.”
I bite my lip, contemplating telling her. “The doctor thinks my wolf is gone.”
Taya covers her mouth. “Oh my goddess, Alaina, I’m so sorry. That’s terrible.”
And I can’t fight the tears. Then, upon Taya seeing me cry, she starts crying.
“Did they say why?” She asks.
I shrug my shoulders. “They don’t know. But it makes sense. I did die.”
Silence passes between us before Taya says, “Do you think maybe it’s because Colin r—”
Taya is cut off by another knock at the door. She and I look at each other confused. Who could that be?
“Come in,” I say, anyway.
One of the maids appear and curtsies. “Your Majesty, the servants are here with some of your clothes Dax asked us to wash. May I tell them to come in to put them away? It’s only a few things. We’d only be a minute.”
“Of course, send them in. I didn’t realize he had my clothes washed. Thank you,” I say.
“You are very welcome, Your Majesty. I’ll go find them and let them know you’re ready for them.” The maid curtsey’s and leaves the room.
“I think you should talk to someone. When my doctor was taking a look at my infection, he suggested I talk to someone about what I went through,” Taya says.
“About what?”
She narrows her eyes at me. “What do you remember about what happened?”
I shrug. “I remember being kidnapped, watching my mate die. I remember you being his prisoner...”
“You were also his prisoner.”
I bob my head back and forth, considering her statement. “Kind of. I mean, I did choose to stay after he killed Dax.”
“Only because he threatened to kill everyone if you didn’t. That’s not a choice.”
I don’t feel like arguing with her, so I continue answering her question. “I remember having sex, but I’ve blocked all of that out... Then the bonding ceremony and seeing Dax again. But nothing else after that.”
All that happened to me, to everyone, was terrible, sure. But I made my own choices that led to it all. I don’t see the point of rehashing things that are in the past.
Her eyes practically bug out of her head. “Sex?”
I nod. “Yeah, but I don’t want to talk about it. It was... weird .”
Taya tilts her head to the side, and her face and voice softens. “Alaina... that wasn’t sex.”
“What do you mean?” The irritation is starting to creep up again. I’m trying my hardest not to lose my temper. She doesn’t deserve that. But what she’s saying doesn’t make any sense. And I can tell she’s tiptoeing around, saying something. Also not like her. I just want her to spit it out.
“You really don’t know?” she asks.
I raise an eyebrow. “Know what?”
She sighs. “You were raped.”
What the hell? “No, I wasn’t. Why would you say that?” Like a skin rash, my body starts to get hot all over. All I want to do is lash out at her. Stay calm.
“Alaina, I was there. That wasn’t sex. He raped you,” she says again.
What? Nothing about what she is saying makes any sense. I was there. I don’t remember all of it after he penetrated me, but I remember everything before that. I know she’s angry for me and worried about me, but what she’s saying isn’t helping. Again, I don’t want to argue with her, though. We both went through a lot, and I don’t even know all of what she went through. Maybe she was raped and she’s projecting this on me?
Now I’m the one who’s worrying. If anyone touched her...
“Taya, did something happen to you?”
“What? No.” Taya shakes her head.
Okay, good . Relieved, I exhale.
The sound of footsteps and squeaky wheels entering my bedroom catches our attention. A servant carts in my clothes. I inhale the smell of fresh linen, allowing it to ground me. But then an entirely different smell hits me, and a chill creeps up my spine.
Mate , my vampire says.
Before I can process what my vampire said, my breath quickens and I start to sweat. I start to lose my vision, yet I remain conscious. What’s happening?
“I can’t breathe,” I say. “It feels like I’m dying.” I clutch my chest and lay my head back down.
“I think you’re having a panic attack. Breathe in through your nose, hold it for a few seconds, and then exhale through your mouth,” Taya instructs.
At the feel of someone’s hands on my arms, holding them to my side, a rush of fury erupts from me, as it all rushes back to me. Colin’s touch, being sucked into paralysis. Suddenly I need space. I need to escape this man.
My vision goes, and something inside me takes over.
“Don’t touch me,” I shout. I shrug his hands off of me.
“Alaina, please, it’s me,” a voice says. It doesn’t sound like him, but that smell .
It smells like him, so it must be him.
He reaches out for me again, even after I’ve established a boundary.
I lash out and swat at his hand. “I said don’t touch me!” I explode, and he’s thrown back against the wall followed by a loud crash. He screams and cries out. His hurt doesn’t bring me satisfaction. My rage doesn’t subside. I still don’t feel safe.
How dare he play victim. I told him not to touch me.
My anger at his audacity triggers fur to ripple from my skin. My wolf. She’s returned, and that has allowed me to label my trauma. Suddenly, things start to make sense, and my rage, although there, somehow seems more manageable. It’s like her return somehow grounds me, and my vision clears. When it does, I see a terrified servant hiding, and Taya slumped against the wall, clutching the back of her head. Colin was never here, although I could smell him.
I whimper, seeing what I’ve done. I didn’t mean to. I move slowly toward her, and she doesn’t move. Doesn’t run from me. I can smell her fear. Not of me, but for me. Even now, she’s concerned about my well-being over her own. My ears go back, and I lie on the floor at Taya’s feet, showing her I mean no further harm.
Seconds later, Sam comes rushing in, frantically scanning the room until his eyes land on Taya. He crouches to her. “What happened?”
“It’s fine,” she says.
Sam looks at me, and with an accusatory tone, he asks, “Did you do this?”
I lower my head to the floor. Yes.
“Sam, she didn’t mean to,” Taya says.
Sam’s nostrils flare, and he raises his voice. “What the hell is your problem, Alaina?”
I whimper. I hate that I hurt her. And in turn, I hurt Sam.
“Stop. I’m fine. See?” Taya holds out her hand to show there’s no blood.
Sam inspects the wound himself before nodding. He faces me again. “That still doesn’t excuse your behavior. We all went through some shit, Alaina. You don’t see anyone else taking it out on others.”
He’s right. I don’t know what’s come over me. It was instinctual.
“Sam!”
At Taya snapping, Sam faces her. They speak through mindlink, keeping me out of their connection. When they’re done speaking, whatever Taya had said to Sam, had him changing his tune. Sam’s lips part as he looks from me to Taya.
Taya nods as if to say Sam finally understood whatever she was trying to relay, then says, “Can you give us a minute?”
“Of course,” Sam says. He stands, and heads for the door. Before leaving, he takes one long look at me and smiles somberly, then exits.
What did she say to him?
Taya grunts as she stands and walks toward the cart of clothes. Digging through, she pulls one piece out and walks toward me, holding it out for me to see.
My wolf growls at the growing stench as she gets near.
“This is what you wore when it happened, isn’t it?”
Mate, my vampire says or asks again.
I nod.
* * *
After I shifted back into my human form, it didn’t take much for Taya to convince me to go see the person her doctor referred her to. On my behalf, Taya instructed the maids to destroy any of the clothing from my time at the vampire kingdom. I apologized profusely, and she met my apology with empathic understanding.
I then mindlinked Dax and told him Taya and I were going for a stroll on castle grounds and that I needing some fresh air. I didn’t want him to worry. It took some convincing with Colin still out there, but he finally agreed as long as I stayed where I can be seen by guards, which meant no leaving the safety of the castle grounds. It helped that Sam was comfortable with Taya going, giving Dax some peace of mind.
We leave my bedroom, and I’m surprised at my recovery as Taya and I make my way down the hall with ease. My speed is a personal record with my vampire’s full presence. I practically appear like a magician at the bottom of the grand staircase in the foyer. Crystals on the chandelier clink in the breeze of my movement.
The guards open the double doors, allowing me access to the courtyard. At the feeling of the winter air, I’m thanking the Goddess for giving wolves fur. I halt at the massive crowd of my people swarming the bailey, holding candles. People cheer and praise the Moon Goddess.
I forgot they all thought I might be dead.
When I wave, the crowd roars, waving and blowing kisses back. I fight the need to wince at the high octaves of their welcoming. My vampire ears aren’t used to such volume yet.
I need to get out of here. I don’t trust myself.
Taya takes my hand, sensing my unease. I put on a brave face and approach the crowd with a smile. On the outside, I was poised, collected, and all grace. Inside, my anxiety was fluttering. My vampire wants nothing but to silence everyone, not out of violence but out of sheer panic. Their welcomes were overwhelming to me. Still, I remain calm on the surface.
The sea of people parts as I near, and I bow my head as I acknowledge them, thanking them for their prayers. They look to me like I’m resurrected from our wolves’ creator. I wonder what they would think if they knew I am no longer just a child of our Goddess but also of the undead.
When I reach the end, I veer off into the woods surrounding the courtyard. I turn to see the defensive curtain and stone walls with vines curling and growing around them.
Spirituality and tranquility linger as I scan the environment surrounding me. My bare feet find understanding and belonging in the forest’s cool dirt, both of us unsheltered and free.
The breeze and whistling crisp winter air creates a white noise that calms my anxious mind. Everything slows down and problems appear simple and small within nature’s massive peace. Leaves float to the ground from the collage of bright orange, red and yellow leaves attached to the trees, creating an unintended and colorful path into the deep forest.
Taya points to the glass home placed just inside the castle walls. Similar to a greenhouse but its glass dome makes it appear like a miniature glass castle.
I approach the building. Before I can knock, the door swings open and a witch appears.
“Your Majesty. How may I be of assistance?”
Taya squeezes my hand. I take a deep breath and say, “I think I was raped.”