Chapter 3 #3
“Well, not exactly. She’s probably deduced someone here or nearby must be, but the carriage left before I could say any more. For all she knows, it could be anyone at Basdie.”
“Do you think she’s told Trace?” he asked with concern, a question that I hadn’t even considered.
“I have no idea. But Gia is smart and loyal. She wouldn’t risk the mission by clouding his mind with such distractions.”
I contemplated how Trace would take the news. Would he want to hear it from me or her? Would it eat away at him? If the tables were reversed, I think I’d still be upset, even after all that transpired between us.
Varro glanced away, scanning the room, avoiding eye contact. “That’s good. Especially since we don’t know what this is anyway…”
I took the bait. “What is it to you?”
“I’m afraid to answer that,” he replied gently.
I had never heard Varro say he was afraid of anything.
I didn’t imagine there was much that scared Varro.
Not after he decisively wrapped his wings around my body and shielded us from death.
Maybe he was afraid to let me down. Perhaps he thinks he wants more than I’m willing to give, and he’s holding back for my sake.
It was obvious, after I’d thought about it, the way he felt, always putting me first, but I was equally fearful of what those feelings might become.
“Why are you afraid?” I asked.
“We’ve had everything taken from us, but most of all, our freedom.
I don’t want you to feel like this bond takes even more from you.
I don’t want you to feel obligated to me.
I’m not my father, but I understand what he did to your family and how you might never overcome those feelings entirely.
I do not want to be your keeper or your complication when you are so much more than that to me… ”
My breath hitched at his admission. He had finally gained the courage to look me in the eye, and now I was the one shying away from the weight of his words that erred on the side of romantic.
I pressed him for the clarity that I needed to hear.
“What am I to you?”
“You’re my Moirai. You’re my fated one, and always will be.
Whether we seal the bond matters not. For me, this goes beyond oath, duty, and the Imperi.
It’s so much more. The Gods have chosen to tether us, but I need you to know I am yours in whatever way you will have me.
As your friend, your confidant, your protector, your partner…
even your lover. Because I don’t think I can say no to you, Cress. ”
Silence hovered between us. Even the water was silent, as our bodies remained still. He was offering me anything.
He was offering me everything.
I just had to decide what I wanted to take. How much of myself was I willing to give? My intertwined fingers fidgeted below the waters, twitching with both anxiousness and relief.
“I’m afraid too,” I whispered.
Varro stood and moved to close the gap between us, almost as if involuntarily, and cupped my cheek in his hand. “Why?”
I looked up into those icy-blue eyes, more crystalline than any water I’d ever seen, and tried to convey the unending fear within me.
“I’m afraid of what they will do to us, of what I’ll do to you. I’m afraid to become each other’s weakness.”
And although I didn’t say it, there was a fear of rejection, of Varro someday changing his mind.
Ever since Trace, I was terrified to tie my emotions to another male again.
The distraction of Basdie and my duty to the realm made that easier to accept, as I had lost sight of frivolities such as relationships, marriage, children or any semblance of a life of my own.
There was a peace in not having freedom, one that was hard to articulate.
As soon as I let myself want for things, I was setting myself up for loss or disappointment.
Being a pawn in some grand plan meant walking the line, not drawing my own.
I had such a fear of leading myself astray that I had settled into this powerlessness more than I’d realized.
But as Varro held my face in his palm and the bond tingled through every fiber of my being, I began to accept that I, too, was powerless to fight this.
“Then let’s be afraid together.” He smiled warmly, and it was an invitation I could finally accept. It was a doorway to something more that we’d define together. We didn’t have to say it with words, we both just understood.
That night, I lay in my bed with the slightest renewed sense of hope and curiosity.
Varro was only a couple of doors away, and though he did not invite me in after the baths, I felt welcome.
Unlike Trace, whose door had felt barred to me since arriving, I innately knew all the ones leading to Varro were always open.
There was much to fear about my future and what would transpire once we were finally sent to join the others in Artume.
Yet knowing Varro had his own fears meant I wasn’t alone, and something about that was deeply calming.
During my short time at Basdie, I’d become accustomed to falling asleep alone, dozing off with a head full of heavy thoughts.
Praying for dreams, and not nightmares. Somehow, tonight’s conversation made me feel ten times lighter.
Warmer. Wanted. Welcome. I rolled over to my side, squeezing my extra pillow tightly to my body, letting myself wonder what it might be like to allow myself to feel again.
To let the stains of past betrayal rinse from my body and heart.
Perhaps in Varro’s golden light, something in me could bloom anew.