Chapter 10 Stella
Stella
This morning, Josie finally messaged me back, responding to the text I sent weeks ago about getting to see her for fall break.
Josie
Josie: So sorry, I forgot to tell you…
Josie: I’m going to the Dominican with this guy I’ve been talking to and some friends.
Josie: Pls don’t be mad, I just couldn’t pass it up!
My heart sank as the messages came through, one after another, as if she had to justify her decision to me. She didn’t even tell me she’d met someone. I hate that I’ve become the friend people feel they need to walk on eggshells around.
Josie
Me: Omg! Have so much fun, Jos! You better send lots of pics so I can live vicariously thru
you.
Josie: I’ll miss you!
Me: I’ll miss you more. But we’ll see each other for the holidays. Go have fun on the
beach!
I really am excited for her. We both grew up with middle-class parents and had just your average everything. We went to Florida for most of our vacations, but neither of us has ever left the country.
I had been thinking all weekend about Colt and how he’s acted like an actual gentleman with me instead of being a cliché college jock. Josie’s messages had the unintentional effect of spurring me into action.
I don’t want to be the girl who hides from life throughout college just because she’s scared. And I certainly don’t want to be someone whose friends ignore them because they’re scared of how I might react to something. I’ve never wanted to be that kind of person.
So, I decided to take a leap of faith. Sure, Colt is cocky and arrogant, but I think he’s the best choice for getting me out of my comfort zone. I feel safe around him even though we haven’t known each other long.
I still don’t want to date him. A boyfriend sounds like a lot to juggle along with everything else I’ve got going on.
But I can’t deny that I’m attracted to him.
And Nora hit the proverbial nail on the head the other day when she said I was stressed and needed to let loose.
All of these were factors in my decision to text him tonight.
Now, sitting here in front of Colt, I can confidently say I do not regret this decision in the slightest. That was the hottest kiss I’ve ever experienced, and I’m aching for more.
I’m no virgin; I had a few sexual partners before the Dylan debacle. But none of them used their bodies the way Colton Crosby uses his. He’s strong, but gentle. He touches me as if he’s cherishing every inch of my skin.
He makes me feel beautiful. Wanted.
“Stella?” Colt asks, pulling me from my thoughts. I let my head fall onto his bare chest as I figure out how to respond.
“I want to hook up,” I repeat, my earlier statement now muffled by his pec.
Colt chuckles softly. “I’m gonna need a little more information than that,” he responds, patience filling his voice. His hand rubs lazy circles on my hip, nearly distracting me from what I’m trying to say.
“No, I mean, I want to have a…fling, I guess.”
This causes him to pause. “Like, just sleeping together?” he asks cautiously.
“I told you, Colt, I don’t date. I’m not looking for something like that.
I don’t think I’ll ever get married, to tell you the truth.
It never works out the way you plan. But I like you a lot.
” I take a breath, trying, unsuccessfully, to read his face.
“I have fun talking to you, and I feel safe with you. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt any sort of sexual attraction for anyone.
I think we could just… have fun. Until it runs its course.
Then, we’ll go our separate ways, with lots of great sex and great memories under our belts. ”
Colt is silent for so long that I start to think he’s going to turn me down and kick me out.
Finally, he says, “Stella, I don’t know what happened to make you put up so many walls, but if this is all I get, for now, I’ll take it.
” He leans over and gently brushes a kiss to my lips.
“I’ll take anything you give me. But you have to promise me something, first.”
“What?” I ask, hesitantly.
“Promise me it’s just sex. And promise you’ll tell me if you want something more. But don’t make me fall in love with you and then leave. I don’t think I can stand to lose someone else.”
Colt’s words echo in my head as I walk to the coffee shop a few days later.
It’s finally fall break. I decided not to go home, telling my family I would see them at Thanksgiving instead.
When Josie told me she wouldn’t be home this week, I decided it wasn’t worth it to go back to Georgia three times in three months.
And, since I’m not going home, I have nothing but time on my hands for the rest of the break.
I’ll probably pick up some extra shifts at the gym and maybe get a head start on our English presentation.
I didn’t ask Colt what he meant the other night when he said he couldn’t lose anyone else. It felt too personal, especially after he just told me to keep our relationship about sex.
No matter how curious I am, I can’t justify asking him any deeply personal questions. It feels wrong to promote an emotional attachment when I’m the one who asked him to be a casual fling.
I can’t be upset about his request. I already knew Colt wanted more than a hook-up. I’m just not willing to put myself out there in that way. No matter how great he may seem, I don’t see myself crossing that line. Men are too unpredictable.
After our talk, Colt made me come using his mouth.
We didn’t do any more than that, and he even refused to let me return the favor.
But just thinking about what we did makes my heart speed up.
I’ve never come from oral alone; I always got too self-conscious.
But Colt ate me out like he was devouring his favorite dessert.
When I tried to protest and convince him he didn’t need to do that, he told me to “respectfully, shut up and let him finish his meal.” Yes, those were his exact words. Brat.
When I arrive at The Brew House, I order myself an iced chai latte and find a table in the corner to work at.
Colt and I decided to do our project over Pride and Prejudice versus The Great Gatsby, with an emphasis on overcoming differences.
In one story, the characters accept each other’s differences, fall in love, and presumably live a happy life.
In the other, anger and jealousy cause a heart-wrenching murder-suicide.
It’s a broad, unrefined idea, but Colt seemed very excited about it when he proposed it.
My first step is to read both books since I’ve never read either of them before.
I mostly read fantasy books, with the occasional romance as a palate cleanser.
Even though I’m not a big believer in “true love” in real life, I have to admit that there’s a certain appeal in men who are written by women.
They are much more emotionally available when they’re fictional.
I’m engrossed in The Great Gatsby e-book that I downloaded to my tablet when there’s a thump at the seat across the table from me.
Looking up, Colt’s large frame, wrapped in a tight black compression shirt that outlines every muscle on his chest and arms, takes up my entire view.
“Good morning,” he greets, his perfect smile on display, pulling the lid off his coffee cup and blowing into it to cool it off.
“Morning,” I reply, confused by why he’s here and didn’t go home for the break.
“I didn’t know you were staying here over fall break,” he states, speaking my thoughts aloud.
“Yeah, um, last-minute decision. And I didn’t really feel comfortable going home so soon. Especially since Dylan is more than likely still running around town somewhere.”
Colt frowns at my words but nods his head in understanding.
“What about you? How come you’re still on campus?” I ask.
“Technically, I’m a local. I grew up about thirty minutes outside of town. But I decided to stay for hockey. Coach gave me extra ice time.”
“Colt, don’t tell your friends I said this, but you’re, like, the best on the team. You’re the last person who needs extra practice time.” I pin him with a glare that, hopefully, conveys that I think he’s lost his mind.
“As much as I appreciate the vote of confidence, I need to practice every moment I can if I want to play for the NHL. Sure, I’ve got skill, but playing professionally requires dedication and effort.
Besides, Beau said he would come back and run drills with me after taking a couple of days to see his folks.
” He sips his black coffee, finishing his explanation.
“You don’t want to go see yours?” I ask hesitantly. No matter the reason, whether it be a rough home life or something related to his “losing people” comment, we’re crossing into emotional conversation territory. But I’m letting him decide how much he wants to share with me.
“I stopped by to see them this morning, but I didn’t see any reason to leave campus for the whole week.” His answer is guarded, telling me there’s definitely more to the story. But we aren’t a couple, and he doesn’t have to tell me anything he doesn’t want to.
“So, what are you doing?” he asks, changing the subject.
“I was actually reading The Great Gatsby. I figured it might help to know the plot before I try to write a whole paper about it.”
“Excuse me, before we write a paper. And, lucky for you, I’ve read it before. Twice.” He smirks at me as he takes another sip of his drink.
I huff. “Smartass. I’m trying to be a good partner here and not make you do all the work.”
“I’ve got a better idea. Let’s go back to my place, and we can watch the movie. Potentially without clothes on, but lady’s choice, and then I’ll just do that part of the presentation anyway. It’s a win-win.” His shit-eating grin is contagious.
“Well…young Leo Di Caprio does do something to me…” I say, feigning like I’m trying to make a tough decision.