Chapter 14 Stella
Stella
I decided to actively avoid Colt for the rest of the break. It’s not that our conversation led to a falling out, but more accurately, I’m a coward. I realized he’s right, and I don’t know how to separate a fling from a relationship.
Every time we’ve been together, we’ve had the easiest conversations. We’ve also had some of the deepest. They may not be painless, but they were real, and that’s scarier than any fight or argument, in my opinion.
It’s not fair of me to string him along when I can’t even figure out what I want for myself. So, instead of responding to his messages, which stopped coming through two days ago, I tried to focus on myself the rest of the week.
I went to work—a shift I didn’t tell him about so he wouldn’t give me a ride as he insists on doing—I exercised, and I read some books from my eternally long Tbr list. I also heard from Josie, just a simple text saying that she’s having a great time on her trip.
But the most important thing I did this week was call my mom.
My mother is one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.
After everything she went through, the hurt and betrayal, she still has no hatred in her heart.
I think she forgave my dad for what he did the minute she learned of his transgressions.
She doesn’t have a hateful bone in her body.
She knew he had wronged her, but she chose to move on instead of living her life in resentment.
Unlike me.
I had a come-to-Jesus moment with her during that phone call.
I had never voiced the feelings I had been carrying toward my father—toward men in general—aloud.
But she told me that by sheltering myself away from every possibility of love, I was only hurting myself more.
She had loved my father with her entire heart, and he hadn’t returned the sentiment.
But that was a risk that she chose to take, thinking she could change something in him that he never cared to fix himself.
And while what he had done was wrong, she told me she had known that he never loved her the way she loved him.
She could feel it in her bones years before they’d ever separated.
My mom told me that part of falling in love is taking a chance on someone and trusting that they won’t break your heart. The sweetest and most exhilarating part of falling for someone is realizing the last thing they would ever do is hurt you.
“This is how you know the love is real,” she’d said, “When you would rather do anything else than cause that person a single iota of pain; you would rather cut off your own hand than raise one to them.”
Thinking of Colt, I get the feeling she was right.
My actions, my beliefs, have been a defense mechanism for so long that I didn’t even realize that I was hurting.
It took meeting Colt for the pain to set in, for me to realize I was actually denying myself of something I didn’t have to fight.
I was miserable trying to keep Colt at a distance.
But, deep down, I’ve known since the beginning he would never hurt me.
He’s too kind, too good. He has so much love to give because his family had been taken from him too soon.
He learned to never take a single moment for granted. I can see that now, clear as day.
The best things about him that I had attributed to being a part of his innate personality have really been the aftermath of hard lessons learned.
Colt learned at a young age that you never know when your last moment with someone will be, and he embraced it instead of running from it.
He loves the people around him with his entire soul.
He has more reason than most to want to hide from love, after seeing the pain loss can cause. But he chose to be resilient rather than fearful, and that takes a type of courage I don’t think I’ll ever possess.
But, for him, I think I could try.
I’ve only been putting off the inevitable by ignoring him this week. I know I’m falling for him, despite my best efforts, and I’ve just been trying to stave off the anxiety that grows in my stomach at the thought of telling him how I might feel.
I haven’t known him long, only about two months, but I feel it in my gut that if I’m ever going to put my feelings on the table, he’s the one to do it with.
I’m leaving the women’s athletic complex when I see a black truck sitting across the parking lot. A tall, dark-haired figure sits on the tailgate, waiting. He’s scrolling through his phone, but lifts his head as I approach, as if he can sense my presence, and tosses a small smile in my direction.
“What are you doing here?” I ask as my stomach does somersaults.
“I thought about giving you space, and I will if that’s what you want, but I don’t like loose ends.
I figured I should at least figure out if the shortest fling in the history of mankind is over, and that felt like an in-person conversation.
Not that you were answering your texts, anyway.
” He doesn’t sound scornful as he says it, simply resigned.
Like someone who expects bad news and is bracing for the blow to come.
“I’m sorry. I’ve just been thinking, and I didn’t want to say anything until I sorted through the mess in my head,” I reply, guilt forming a lump in my throat.
“And did you get anything sorted out?” He scoots over and pats the spot next to him, indicating I should sit. We might be here a while.
“How did you know I would be here?” I ask, not so subtly avoiding his question. A soft breeze blows a loose strand of hair in my face, and Colt smirks before reaching up to push it behind my ear. He knows I’m deflecting.
“I don’t know if you’re aware of this or not, but I do know quite a few people at this school,” he says with a glint of humor in his eyes.
“I bumped into a girl from the softball team on my run this morning. We chatted for a few minutes. I asked her about her schedule and stuff, more to make polite conversation than anything else, but she mentioned that they don’t have conditioning right now, since it’s volleyball season.
“I may have told her that I’ve been seeing someone on the volleyball team, not quite a lie,” he throws me a sheepish grin before continuing.
“I don’t know why I said it; it just came out.
And she happened to ask if I was heading to meet up with you, since I was jogging in the direction of the athletic complex, and because your team had weight-room time scheduled today.
The next thing I knew, I was on my way to my truck and heading here.
I didn’t really plan to come talk to you until the opportunity was right in front of me. ”
I digest his words, trying to decide if I believe in fate or divine intervention.
“Are you upset that I came here?” he asks.
I can’t help but admire the way he always asks how I feel about things.
He communicates so effortlessly, and I realize I never have to wonder what’s going on in his head.
All I have to do is ask, and he’ll tell me.
Every barrier between us was put up by my doing, not his.
“No, of course not. I’m sorry for ignoring you, I just…” I trail off, realizing that I’m repeating what I already said. Colt doesn’t say anything, though. He waits patiently for me to continue, not rushing me to answer his previous question.
“I’m scared, Colt,” I say simply. There’s no point in beating around the bush any longer. This conversation is long overdue.
“Why are you scared?”
“I trust you. I realized it this week. I don’t think you would hurt me.
You aren’t like other guys, and I know that sounds cliché, but it’s the truth.
You’re different.” I take a breath, trying to get all my thoughts in order.
“I don’t know how long it’s been since I wholeheartedly trusted someone.
I’ve been guarded for so long that it just became second nature.
The thought of taking down those walls and letting you in terrifies me, but not because I think you’ll hurt me.
It’s because I realized I don’t know how to do this.
I don’t know how to let you in without pushing you back out.
“I’m scared that I’m going to go through all this, and let myself fall for you, and then I’ll chicken out when things get hard.”
He’s silent, looking into my eyes like he can see into the depths of my soul. The sun is shining brightly, and it makes the gold in his amber eyes glow.
Slowly, he reaches over and puts his hand on mine, where I’ve been wringing them in my lap.
“That’s my choice to make, Stella. You get to choose to trust me, but I get to choose to trust you in return.
And maybe it’s too early to talk about love, but falling in love with you will be my choice, too.
You can’t run from every hypothetical situation that could happen. ”
“How are you always so sure about everything?” I ask him, genuinely wondering how one person can be so levelheaded.
“Lots of therapy, sweetheart,” he replies, and I laugh, both at the sarcasm in his voice but also at the truth of his words. He’s been through a lot, and he had to learn to cope. He had help, whereas I’ve been trying to do everything on my own.
“Does this mean you’re going to let me take you on a date?” he asks with a tilt of his head.
I smile again, feeling lighter than I have in years. It’s as if a weight has been lifted off my chest, and I can finally breathe, like I can stop looking behind me and start looking toward a future I didn’t even know I was missing out on.
“Only if you promise it’ll be the best first date ever.