CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Nate froze, unwilling to look and see the man offering to pray with him.
He couldn't let him see the emotion that was no doubt plastered all over his face.
The man's hand covered his where it rested on the door and added his strength to push it open.
Warmth greeted them as they stepped from the building.
Without a word, the man led Nate to the stone bench off to the side. The one he remembered seeing Lily sitting on that night not so long ago. The man's hand again moved to his shoulder as Nate sat, head bent, hands hanging loose between his knees as he leaned forward.
"Father, You know the burdens that Nate carries.
He's faced so much over the past several years, no doubt he's felt overwhelmed and like he was going to drown.
Today we ask that You give him rest from those burdens.
Give him the strength to place them at Your feet and find the rest You want each of us to have.
Assure him of Your love and Your grace for all he has faced and all he has done. Give him Your peace."
Nate felt tears spill over and lifted a hand to brush them aside.
He wasn't given to emotion, especially not tears.
He drew in a ragged breath as the man finished his prayer.
Finally, he looked over to see who it was that had seen his pain and offered to pray with him.
Though he didn't know the man well, he recognized him right away as Megan's father.
The older man smiled at him. "You're not alone, son. I know you probably feel that you are, but know that there are people who cared about your parents and who care about you."
Nate gave a nod, wishing everything felt better, that he was flooded with the peace the man had prayed for him.
But he wasn’t.
"Thank you. I appreciate the prayer."
"Anytime." The man held out his hand which Nate shook before he stood.
"I need to go."
The man nodded and stepped to the side so Nate could move past him.
He laid a hand on his arm as he walked by.
"I realize we haven't made much effort to connect with you after your dad died.
" The man frowned. "I let the busyness of life get the better of me, but I would like to make myself available to you if you ever need to talk.
Megan has shared about what you've been dealing with most recently with Lily.
Between that and the fire I'm sure you're feeling a bit overwhelmed.
I'm a listening ear if you need one. No pressure.
Just know the offer stands should you ever want to talk. "
"Thank you," Nate said again, feeling a slow connection being made. He looked into the man's blue eyes and saw concern there, but also a serious intent. "I might just take you up on that."
"In the meantime, we will be praying for you."
After Nate had slid behind the wheel of his truck, he sat for a moment, pondering the tumult of thoughts and feelings that were so vibrantly alive within his mind and body.
After his mother's death, he'd closed them off.
Intense emotions could cause the most hurt in the end.
He realized now that he'd held back so much from Lily even though he'd loved her with all his heart.
He'd been scared to show exactly how much she'd meant to him.
How important she was to him. And in the end, it had felt like it had been the right decision when she'd left him.
And yet, would she have left him if he'd shown all along just how much she meant to him? He would never know now.
Movement from the corner of his eye caught his attention, and he saw people were beginning to leave the church. Needing to get away, Nate quickly put the truck in reverse and made his way out of the parking lot.
Nate pulled to a stop on the driveway and stared at the manor.
He knew this was where he needed to come, but his stomach was a mass of nerves.
After leaving the church that morning he'd gone to his apartment, but its stark emptiness had pulled him more to depression than the peace he sought.
Instead, he'd gone to Walmart and picked up some fishing equipment and a fishing license. All of his fishing equipment—and his dad’s—had been lost in the fire.
After paying for it all, he made his way to the fishing spot he and his dad used to go to years ago.
Before his mother had gotten sick and then died.
Before his dad had decided to open the garage in Sanford. Back when their lives had been perfect.
And as he'd sat there, he had allowed himself to feel everything he'd been holding back for so long.
Mainly it was the grief. Grief over the losses that had ripped at his heart.
His mom. Lily. His dad. Each one had crushed him more than he had allowed himself to acknowledge.
Alone at the water's edge, Nate hadn't caught any fish, but he'd shed the tears he'd never allowed to come before. And he'd made his way back to the Lord.
And as he did, he'd known that he needed to make things right.
First with Crystal for how he'd been during their relationship.
He should never have allowed their relationship to continue knowing he could never offer her his whole heart.
It was wrong to have taken advantage of what she'd offered knowing that.
And now he was here to apologize to Lily.
He climbed from the truck and rounded the hood to head for the front door. As he waited for someone to answer his knock, he prayed he could do this. Right then it was just to ask for forgiveness. That was step one. The other steps would come in time...hopefully.
"Nate!" Will smiled at him. "C'mon in."
"Thanks," Nate said as he stepped past him into the foyer. "Is Lily here?"
"Yes, she is. I think she's on the back porch."
Nate hesitated then asked, "Is it okay if I go talk to her?"
Will stared at him for a second. "Are you planning to upset her?"
"I hope not. That's not my intention."
Will clapped him on the shoulder. "Then go for it."
Nate walked through the kitchen, out the back door. His gaze immediately found Lily. She sat in the swing at the far end of the porch, her head bent over a small bundle in her arms. The sight was like a kick in the gut.
Lily with a baby. If things had been different_
Nate cut the thought off. That was not why he was here. Today he was there to ask forgiveness from her. He couldn't allow himself to think beyond that just yet. He ran a hand through his hair as he slowly walked toward her.
"Lily?" He wished he'd worn a hat that he could have pulled off so he had something to do with his hands. Instead, he shoved them into his pockets and watched as she looked up, surprise spreading across her face.
"Nate? What are you doing here?"
He motioned to the chair placed not too far from the swing. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
Her eyes widened as she nodded. "Have you met Daniel Joshua?" She leaned forward, moving the blanket from the baby's face. "Isn't he beautiful?"
Nate found himself nodding, even though he was pretty sure the little guy would have objected to being called beautiful if he could have voiced his thoughts. "How is he doing?"
"Really great. I offered to sit with him for a bit while Jessa and Lance took a walk down to the lake. Jess was cooped up for so long that she likes to be outside as much as possible. And I think she could use a little time with Lance, just the two of them."
Nate nodded, watching as she set the swing in motion with her foot. He didn't say anything at first, but then she looked up at him, curiosity on her face. He sat back in the chair and cleared his throat.
Rubbing at the leg of his jeans, he tried to pull his thoughts together. He'd rehearsed this several times before coming, but he hadn't counted on seeing Lily looking so beautiful with a baby in her arms. It had completely knocked him off track. "Ummm...I've come to apologize."
Lily's brow furrowed. "Apologize? For what?"
Nate stared out over the back yard for a moment before turning his gaze back to her. "I didn't treat you very well when we were together."
"What?" Lily tilted her head.
Nate looked down at the wooden boards beneath his feet. "I never gave you the priority I should have. I kept putting things off that I knew were important to you." He took a deep breath. "You deserved better than that. I knew that then and still chose to act the way I did."
"Why are you telling me this now?" Lily asked softly.
Because I love you with all my heart.
The words wrapped around Nate's chest like a vise, robbing him of breath for a second. "I need to make things right. Because I need peace."
She stared at him, her gaze intent and then she said, "The sermon this morning?"
"Yes. Since my mom's..." Nate paused and swallowed hard.
"Since my mom's death, I've just been trying to keep my head above water.
The fire was just kind of the last straw.
" Actually, finding out about her MS diagnosis was, but right now was not the time to bring that up.
"I want to thrive, not just survive from day to day. And I realized today that no matter how well my business does, as long as I feel like I’m drowning under the other things that have happened to me, I will always just be in survival mode. I don't want that anymore."
Lily nodded. "I got to that point when I was dealing with my MS diagnosis as well.
I needed to learn to accept it and be grateful for each day I was given instead of being dragged down into a depression over why it had to be me dealing with it.
Can't say it was easy, but in the end it was worth it.
" She gave him a small smile. "Not saying I don't have down days—I do—but they aren't as frequent or as difficult as they once were. "
"Yes, I figure I still have a ways to go with this, but this was where I needed to start."