Chapter Twenty-Five
Reed
Every second I was in this state, in the house right next door to Cole’s fathers, I hated myself.
I owed him an explanation. Of why I couldn’t be a man and tell him I was leaving but sneaking out like a dirty secret in the early morning.
After I stared at the ceiling in his bedroom, tears in my eyes and a rock in my belly, wondering if Cole would forgive me when he realized it was for the best. I had burned his face into my mind, watching as he slept peacefully next to me before I finally had the balls to get up and go home.
But not before I kissed him goodbye. Whispered that I loved him and hoped he would find happiness someday. I had really fucked everything up.
“Hey.” Dad smiled at me when I opened the garage door. He had smudges of oil and grease on his face as he stood over an antique car. “Where’s your friend?” he asked.
I stepped inside the building. “Zach is trying to figure out what he should wear later.” We were going out against my better judgment. “Do you have a minute?”
“For you, I have all the minutes in the world.” Dad grinned. He lifted the hat on his head and dragged his hand through his hair. I didn’t miss the fact that his blond hair looked grayer these days, his eyes a little more wrinkled.
I climbed up into one of the old bar seats he kept in the garage.
Not much had changed here since I was a kid.
Dad spent a lot of time on the road during the racing season, but when he was home and wasn’t spending time with the family or fishing with Killian, you could always find him here.
Messing around on a car, engine, or anything he could get his hands on.
Before he became a winning crew chief for NASCAR driver Rand Shepard, Dad worked as a mechanic.
Sometimes I think he missed it and wished he could go back to a simpler time.
I knew Dad loved us, loved Mom with all his heart, but he had his moments.
Times when he didn’t want to talk to or see anyone.
He would get up in his head until he figured everything out. I guess we all had our secrets.
“What’s on your mind, Reed?” Dad leaned against the car. “I thought you’d be spending time with Zach or catching up with your friends.”
I dropped my gaze to the floor. “I fucked up, Dad.” When he didn’t answer, I looked back up at him. “I really fucked up.”
“Does this have something to do with Cole?” he asked.
I stared at him in surprise. “How did you know?”
“I might be old now, but I wasn’t always.
I was your age once.” Dad chuckled softly and folded his arms over his chest. “You never told us why you left so suddenly that morning. Why did you have to leave that minute and go back early to school? We assumed it had something to do with Cole. That maybe the two of you had a fight or broke up. Again, I was your age once.”
I sighed. “First off, stop saying you’re old. Because you’re not. And that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. That’s how I fucked up...I got scared, panicked, and left.”
“Did your mother ever tell you that we were apart for a little while?”
“Not the whole story, but yes.”
Dad smiled. “She left me in the middle of the night, and we didn’t speak for years. Not until she came home for Aunt Jo and Uncle Pat’s wedding. I was seeing someone else by the time she came back, but I still loved your mother. I always have.”
“She...What?” This was all new to me. Dad was with someone else? “What happened?”
“She got scared. We had spent an entire summer together. Your mother saved my life, Reed, but she also broke my heart at the same time.” Dad’s eyes shimmered with tears. “I was angry and had every right to be.”
I jumped up to wrap my arms around him. “But you’re happy now.”
“I’m obsessed with your mother and love her with my entire heart.
Just as much as I love you, and your siblings.
We had a few things to work out before we got our happily ever after.
I understand why she left the way she did, but that doesn’t mean it was the right thing.
” Dad squeezed me tight before he released me.
“Sometimes things have a way of working themselves out.”
I squared my shoulders. “I did the same thing. To Cole, I mean. He told me he wanted to move to New York for me, and I freaked out. I didn’t want him to ruin what he had worked his entire life for.”
“Your mother and I sort of figured that out. But you’ve spoken to him now, right? Don’t think that we didn’t see Cole dropping you off this morning.” Dad raised his brows.
I shook my head. “No, I mean, yes, I’ve spoken with him, but it hurts so much to be around him. He doesn’t need me in his life anymore, Dad. He’s got everything he ever wanted.”
“But what if you’re what I wanted?” I spun around at the sound of Cole’s voice. “I wanted you, Reed. Nothing else mattered as much as you.”
I stared in shock. “How much of that did you hear?”
“All of it.” Cole moved farther into the garage. “You should have talked to me, baby. You should have told me what you were thinking. How you felt. You told me you loved me and then you left me. Do you know what that does to a person? It kind of fucked me up.”
Dad coughed softly. “I’m going to let you two talk.” He jutted his chin at Cole before he opened the door and went inside the house.
Cole and I stared at one another for what felt like hours. It was probably just a matter of seconds, but then suddenly he was next to me. His fingers gripped my chin, and he forced me to look at him. “You fucking ruined me.”
“I didn’t mean to.” My voice shook as I tried to calm my racing heart. “I wanted you to have the life you have now. You’re so fucking successful and happy. You’re living your dream.”
He barked out a bitter laugh. “I’m fucking miserable. I lost you. I’m not playing for Boston, and I can’t find happiness in anything I do. Hockey doesn’t even do it for me anymore. I hope you’re happy.”
“I—”
“I know. You’re sorry.”
I wanted to scream that I was miserable, too.
That I was suffering from an eating disorder that was slowly killing me.
That I made the biggest mistake of my life when I left him behind, and no man would ever be good enough.
None of them were Cole Whitaker. Instead, I choked back the sob that threatened to escape, pushed his hand away from me, and turned around so he couldn’t see me as I lost control.
“Why can’t you just talk to me? Was I not good enough? Was there someone else waiting back in New York?”
“It’s not always about you!” I exclaimed.
I spun around and glared at him. “I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if you changed everything for me.
I was terrified of not achieving my own dream, and fuck, if you.
..If I let you give up your dream for someone like me, I wouldn’t have been able to deal with that. You’re much better than I’ll ever be.”
Cole opened and shut his mouth before he finally spoke. “I missed you, you know. Coming home was never the same after that.”
“Tell me about it,” I whispered. “I haven’t been here in five years.”
He nodded. “I’m aware. Every single time I was visiting my dad’s, I hoped you would come home. That you would appear at the door and tell me you loved me. That you were sorry, and that you wanted to work things out. But that’s never going to happen, is it?”
“Would you have forgiven me? Would you have accepted me with open arms? I’m all sorts of fucked up, Cole. Even more than I was before.” I tried to stop the tears that slipped down my cheeks, but there were too many. I brushed the wetness from my face, only for more to appear.
Cole took a step closer. “Yes, I would have forgiven you. I would have made you tell me what happened, but I would have hugged you so tightly that our bodies became one. You’re perfect, Reed. You’re the only person I’ve ever loved.”
“Trust me, I’m not perfect.” My entire body wouldn’t stop shaking as I stared at the man that had consumed my being since I was sixteen years old. Since the first hello, I had wanted him. And now, maybe, he was going to let me back in. I wasn’t worthy.
Cole’s sky-blue eyes burned with heat. “Can I kiss you? Please, I really just want—”
I pressed my mouth to his before he could finish, and when Cole’s tongue probed my lips, I moaned softly.
He pushed me back against the car to press his thick, muscled body against mine as the kiss deepened.
I sucked hungrily on his tongue while Cole’s hands roamed over my body.
This was what had been missing from my life.
This man. The way he made me feel. I would do anything to make him happy.
Only I had fucked that up. I ripped my mouth away and tried to untangle myself from Cole, but he held strong.
“I can’t do this.”
“Yes, you can.”
I shook my head. “Cole, I fucking can’t.” I pushed at his chest and let out a long sigh when he stepped away from me. “It doesn’t mean I don’t want you.”
“Well, it fucking feels like it. I shouldn’t have come here. I should have just let you wallow in whatever the hell this is and forget that you existed. Find someone else who can love me the way I deserve. Someone who loves me the way I love you,” he snapped.
The cruel worm of jealousy shifted inside me. “Maybe you should.” I didn’t even recognize my own voice.
“Yeah, maybe I fucking should. I can’t do this anymore, Reed.
I can’t love you while you punish me and yourself.
Maybe your leaving was for the better. And I can finally move on now that you’ve told me the reason.
Have a nice life.” Cole’s nostrils flared as he gritted his teeth.
His eyes roamed over my body, then he turned and left me standing alone in the garage, slamming the door behind him.
I was sobbing on the floor when my father found me.
He didn’t say anything as he sat down and hauled me into his lap like I was still a little kid.
That scared little boy who was terrified no one at school was going to want to be my friend.
Dad didn’t say anything, just rocked me back and forth while I cried against him.
When I was finished, Dad pushed the hair out of my eyes and gave me a soft smile.
I sniffed as more tears flooded my eyes. “I love him.”
“I know you do.” He tugged me closer and held me as I tried to gather my thoughts together. “Why don’t we go do something? Just the two of us,” Dad suggested.
That actually sounded nice. “Okay.” I tried to smile but couldn’t force it. “I’m sorry I’m not the son you wanted. That I chose dancing over racing and that I don’t know anything about cars. I can’t change a tire to save my life.”
“I’m fucking proud of you, Reed. Don’t ever forget that.
For everything you’ve done and everything you’ve become.
I love you with all my heart and soul. No one can take that away from me.
I never wanted you to be anything other than yourself.
Watching you dance is the most beautiful thing,” Dad whispered.
I dropped my chin. “I love you, too, Dad.”
“Get up, come on,” he instructed. When I did, he climbed to his feet. “Let’s go get some breakfast. I’ll go grab the car keys.”
I nodded. “I should freshen up.”
“Do you want to invite Zach to come along?” Dad asked as I followed him into the house.
I shook my head. “No, I want it to just be the two of us.”
“Me, too, kid.” Dad playfully ruffled my hair. “I’ll meet you at the car.”
I gave him a hug before I went upstairs. “Thanks, Dad,” I murmured and rushed upstairs to my bedroom.