Chapter 21
Clive took Bethany’s arm as they left the pub and they walked back to Lavender House at a leisurely pace, chatting easily about the wedding and what a smashing couple Kat and Jonah made.
He thought it best not to mention that he’d seen the Lavender Ladies staring at them as they danced, their eyes gleaming with delight. He had an awful feeling that, by tomorrow morning, there’d be a book running on his and Bethany’s future.
Well, good luck to them. If they knew which way this was going he’d be delighted if they’d share their views with him. Frankly, he had no idea.
Jennifer, he thought ruefully, had seemed delighted that he’d danced with Bethany. As he’d gone to the bar to say goodbye to the Callaghans she’d beamed at him, thrilled that he’d taken her advice.
‘I told you,’ she whispered. ‘She’s absolutely smitten. Did you see the way she looked when you were dancing?’
He’d flushed, embarrassed. He hadn’t noticed how Bethany had looked, but then he’d not been facing her. His gaze had been directed over her shoulder, which was why he’d noticed the Lavender Ladies nudging each other, no doubt trying to calculate the odds on various outcomes of this so-called relationship.
He wished he could calculate them himself, but he had no idea what was going on between himself and Bethany.
That afternoon, he’d been jolted by how attractive she looked. Well, she always looked good, he admitted, but today… She was quite beautiful, and so effortlessly stylish.
But she was Joseph’s sister, and it was complicated. Why did he always seem to fall for women with such close ties to his friends? First Jennifer, then Bethany. Not that he’d fallen for Bethany. Well, he didn’t think he had.
And there was Jennifer. She’d made it very clear there was no future for him with her, but it didn’t mean he could just forget about her. He felt an obligation towards her. He always had. He wasn’t sure he could turn off his feelings for her as easily as that, and how would that be fair to Bethany?
That’s if Jennifer was correct. He still wasn’t a hundred per cent certain that she was. She might have been having him on—wishful thinking so she could palm him off on someone else. Make him their problem rather than hers. Or she might just have been mistaken. Maybe Bethany only saw him as a friend.
How would he feel if she did?
How will you feel if she doesn’t?
‘You don’t have to walk me all the way to Lavender House, you know,’ she said, breaking into his thoughts. ‘I’m perfectly capable of making my own way. It’s not as if it’s dark.’
‘I wouldn’t hear of it,’ he told her. He offered her a smile and she smiled back, her eyes shining, and his heart thudded. Right there and then he saw it. What Jennifer had been talking about. It was just for a moment but even he couldn’t mistake it. Bethany had feelings for him. Now what?
This changed everything. As they headed onto Lavender Lane and began the walk towards the house, passing Whispering Willows on the way, his mind raced.
He realised he hadn’t really taken Jennifer seriously, but there was no denying it to himself any longer. But what could he do? He had a responsibility to Bethany not to hurt her or lead her on. He couldn’t give her false hopes. What if he’d done that already, dancing with her? Even walking her home now could be taken the wrong way.
But was he leading her on? He’d danced with her because, watching her chatting to Daisy, he’d felt something within him. A strange and unexpected urge to be close to her. And he’d offered to walk her home on impulse because he’d realised that, when she’d admitted she was about to leave, he hadn’t wanted to say goodbye to her.
But why? Did he have feelings for her, too? Or was this some sort of rebound response because Jennifer didn’t want him, and he’d waited so long for her that he couldn’t bear the thought of a future alone?
He had no idea, and it frightened the life out of him. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Bethany. He should make it clear, as gently and as tactfully as possible, that this wasn’t going anywhere. It was just an offer to walk her home, nothing more.
Because that’s all it was, right?
As they finally walked through the gates of Lavender House his mind went into overdrive. What would he do when they reached the door? Was Bethany expecting him to kiss her goodbye? Should he? Did he want to?
He risked a sideways glance at her and there it was again—that weird churning in his stomach. He had a sudden compulsion to stop and pull her towards him and kiss her. Kiss her properly. Passionately. What the hell was going on with him?
He couldn’t do that. It wouldn’t be fair. His emotions were all over the place and he wasn’t sure what he felt for her, so how could he give her the wrong message like that?
Berating himself for his confusion he hardly noticed as they neared Lavender House itself, until Bethany drew him to a halt and he realised they were standing at the side gate, and she was holding a bunch of keys in her hand.
‘Well, thanks for bringing me home,’ she said, and he realised she sounded almost shy. What was she expecting? He felt a surge of panic. What was he supposed to do? Should he kiss her after all? He realised he wanted to. Oh! He glanced down at her lips and gulped. He really wanted to. Bloody hell!
But what would that say to her about them? He should leave. Just tell her she was welcome and bid her a good evening.
Turn around and walk away, you moron.
Instead he stood there frozen, no doubt looking completely gormless, while she waited.
After what felt like forever she said, ‘Would you like to come in for a coffee before you head home?’
Well, it was a solution, wasn’t it? Clive thought about it. If he had a coffee with her, he could then leave without there being any awkwardness about a goodbye kiss. It was different standing at someone’s front door. It was like there was a certain expectation. But indoors…
But ‘come in for coffee’ had connotations, didn’t it? Everyone knew what that meant. What did it mean? Did she really expect him to drink coffee, or was she asking him for something else?
‘Coffee would be good,’ he heard himself saying.
She beamed at him. ‘Come on then. We’ll let ourselves in at the side door.’
She unlocked the gate, and they headed through into Miss Lavender’s private garden. Bethany carefully latched the gate behind her, though she left it unlocked, and led him to one of the two sets of French doors set in the wall at the side of the house. He could hear Trueman and Boycott yelping from inside.
They let themselves into Miss Lavender’s chintzy living room, whereupon the two Yorkshire terriers hurled themselves at them, yapping in excitement.
Bethany ushered them outside since they’d been cooped up all afternoon, then, closing the French doors firmly behind them she told Clive to take a seat. She went through into the kitchen while he sank onto the sofa, his mind racing.
He was so out of practice, that was the trouble. He hadn’t even looked at another woman since he’d met Jennifer, and how many years was that? Even if he’d wanted to, he wasn’t sure he remembered how to kiss, and if Bethany harboured hopes of anything else… Lord, he might have to look it up on the internet. He was pretty sure he’d forgotten what he was supposed to do.
He tutted impatiently. He was getting carried away, letting his mind go off in directions they had no business going in. It was just coffee, and he should be ashamed of himself for thinking anything else. She was a respectable woman and deserved better.
Maybe Bethany had no intention of taking things further and simply wanted to offer him a coffee as a thank you for walking her home. If that was the case, what did it say about him? All these assumptions and fantasies… Where had they even come from? He couldn’t remember the last time he’d even thought of Jennifer in that way.
Startled, he sat up straighter as the thought repeated itself. It was true. He honestly hadn’t thought of Jennifer in that way for years. Yet here he was, his fevered imagination conjuring up all sorts of scenarios with Bethany. Why?
‘Here you go,’ she said, entering the room carrying two mugs of coffee. ‘I’m so glad to be back. The wedding was lovely, and I really enjoyed it, but I’d forgotten how draining it can be to be around people.’
Reluctantly, he made himself offer. ‘I can go if you’d rather be alone,’ he said.
She put the mugs down on the coffee table and laughed. ‘Don’t be daft! I didn’t mean you. You’re not people.’
‘As a qualified vet, I can assure you I am,’ he joked nervously, inwardly rolling his eyes at his own feeble humour.
Bethany kicked off her shoes and removed her bolero jacket then sat beside him on the sofa. ‘That’s better. I rarely wear heels these days and they were killing me.’
‘You should have said,’ he told her. ‘I’d have called us a taxi.’
‘Oh, it’s okay. We’re here now.’ She handed him the mug of coffee. ‘Would you like a biscuit?’
‘No thanks. I’m still full from all the food at the wedding,’ he admitted. ‘Sally and Rafferty lay on a good spread, don’t they?’
‘It was rather yummy,’ she agreed. ‘The whole wedding was yummy. Didn’t Kat look beautiful? And Jonah made a very handsome groom.’
‘Aye, they looked fine,’ Clive said.
‘And I think it’s lovely that they were married by a friend,’ she continued. ‘Zach, I mean. It made it all even more personal and informal somehow. It’s a beautiful church, All Hallows. I’d forgotten. I think I only went in there once or twice as a child.’
‘Where—where did you get married?’ Clive asked. ‘Was it a church wedding?’
‘No. Ted was an atheist.’ Bethany picked up her mug of coffee and cradled it thoughtfully. ‘We got married in a hotel. It belonged to one of his friends, so we got a good deal.’
‘Right.’ Clive thought how soulless it sounded. Whose bright idea had that been?
‘It was a very small wedding,’ she said flatly. ‘A few members of Ted’s family and Helena. That was about it really.’
He thought about Joseph and how much he’d have loved to be at his sister’s wedding. It was such a shame it had never happened.
‘Isn’t it amazing news about the baby?’ Bethany took a sip of coffee and sank back in the sofa. ‘Three children, though. They’re going to have a lot to cope with.’
‘They’ll manage fine,’ Clive said confidently. ‘They’re great parents. Everyone knows that. A proper blended family, and this wee one will seal the unit good and proper. A happy ending all round.’
‘Yes, I suppose so.’
He thought she sounded wistful and took a sip of his drink before asking tentatively, ‘Did you never want children, Bethany?’
As soon as he’d asked the question he regretted it. It was way too personal. What had he been thinking?
‘I’m sorry,’ he said hastily. ‘None of my business. Forget I asked.’
‘No, it’s okay.’ She gave a slight shrug. ‘I did want children actually, but it turned out Ted couldn’t father them.’
‘Oh.’ He wasn’t sure what to say to that. After a long and uncomfortable pause he ventured, ‘You never wanted to adopt?’
She was quiet for a few moments, and he thought he’d blundered again and cursed himself. Then she turned to him and said, ‘Ted didn’t think it would be a good idea.’
The sadness in her voice filled him with a sudden anger on her behalf.
‘And what about you?’ he asked. ‘Did you think it would be a good idea?’
She sighed and put her mug back on the coffee table. ‘It’s not as simple as that. When we got married, everyone just assumed we’d have children, and I suppose I just assumed it, too. Ted wasn’t as eager as I was to start a family, but he went along with it. Then, when we found out we couldn’t have children naturally, I discovered that, as it turned out, he wasn’t too bothered. In fact, I’d go so far as to say he was quite relieved. I mentioned adoption once or twice, but it was obvious he wasn’t keen on that either. Eventually we had a proper, frank discussion, and I discovered he’d never wanted children at all. I could hardly force him into adopting a baby, could I? How would that be fair to the poor little mite? So we never discussed it again.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ he said, meaning it. ‘You’d have made a great mother, I’m sure.’
He regretted saying it as tears welled in her eyes. He put his mug of coffee next to hers and turned to her, taking her hands in his without even thinking about it.
‘Ach, I’m an idiot,’ he cursed. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you. I never think before I open my mouth, that’s the trouble.’
‘It’s okay,’ she said, smiling through her tears. ‘It was a kind thing to say. Thank you. We’ll never know now, will we? I’m way past all that and I’ve had to accept that children just aren’t going to be part of my life. The irony is,’ she added, ‘that when Ted got together with Helena, she came with two children and two grandsons in tow, so he became a stepfather and a step grandfather. And you know what? He loved it. I think he’d have been a good dad. He was kind and fun and generous towards those boys, and they adored him. It’s such a waste.’
‘Life,’ he said, as much to himself as to her, ‘can be very cruel.’
‘Oh well…’ She wiped her eyes. ‘How about you? Did you never want a family?’
‘Me? I’d be a terrible father,’ he said, trying to sound light-hearted.
Her eyes narrowed as she surveyed him. ‘I don’t think that’s true,’ she told him. ‘From what I’ve heard, you’ve been a father figure to Ben, and a very good one at that.’
‘Ben?’ He considered the matter. ‘I suppose I did take him under my wing, aye,’ he conceded. ‘But he was already in his late teens by then. No idea how I’d have coped with little ones the way Julian did. Now he was a natural. And,’ he added firmly, ‘he was Ben’s real father. I’m just a friend. A mentor, maybe.’
She nodded, saying nothing, and he allowed his thoughts to range across subjects he’d closed off from years ago.
‘I would have liked a family, aye,’ he said softly. ‘In answer to your question,’ he explained as she glanced up at him. ‘But it wasn’t to be. I just never met the right woman.’
‘You didn’t?’
He wondered why she sounded so uncertain. Wasn’t that obvious? He was alone, wasn’t he? A bachelor at the age of fifty-six.
‘Way too late for me to have a family now,’ he said. ‘But it would have been nice. I think about it sometimes, what might have been. Still, that’s the way the cards fell, and there’s no sense fretting over what can’t be changed. I’m very lucky. I have a nice flat, a profitable business, and I live in a community I love, doing a job that means the world to me. I can’t complain.’
‘I suppose so,’ she said thoughtfully. ‘You’ve a lot more going for you than I have anyway.’
‘I’m sure that’s not true,’ he said. ‘You’re very wealthy and you have a good friend in that Helena woman, right? And you’ve travelled. Seen something of the world. Not like me. I left Edinburgh and moved here, and I’ve been nowhere else since.’
‘Did you want to travel?’
He grinned. ‘Not particularly.’
‘Well there you go then.’
‘But you clearly did,’ he said.
‘Not particularly,’ she replied, echoing his own response.
He leaned back, raising an eyebrow. ‘Did you not?’
‘What I wanted,’ she said, ‘was a home. Roots. A family. Somehow I lost them all. If I ever had them, which to be honest, I don’t think I did.’
It was on the tip of his tongue to remind her that she’d had a home and a brother if she’d just bothered to come back to Tuppenny Bridge, but he stopped himself in time. There was such sadness in her eyes that he knew that, whatever he thought, her reasons for walking away were valid to her. She genuinely believed she’d never had a home at Whispering Willows, and worse, she genuinely believed she’d had no brother in Joseph. He wished things could have been different.
She smiled suddenly. ‘We’re a right pair, aren’t we? We should be counting our blessings. Like you said, we both have them. No point dwelling on all the things we haven’t got.’
He could see she was trying to be valiant about it, but the sense of loss and grief emanating from her was palpable.
‘We both wanted a home and a family,’ he said bleakly, suddenly very aware of how true that was. ‘I don’t think it’s too much to ask really.’
‘Other people seem to manage it so easily,’ she agreed, her cheerful fa?ade slipping instantly. ‘Why couldn’t we?’
They sat in silence for a few moments, then Clive drained his mug.
‘I’d better get off,’ he said. ‘Miss Lavender will be home any moment now and can you imagine what she’ll say if she sees me here?’
‘I think that ship’s sailed,’ Bethany said ruefully. ‘The moment we danced together we sealed our fate. From what I’ve heard of the Lavender Ladies they’ll be taking bets on us getting married even as we speak.’
Clive felt a jolt of shock as she spoke the words, and it seemed she realised what she’d said, too, because her face reddened in a most charming manner. He kindly didn’t comment on her words but got to his feet.
‘Anyway, I need to pop to the stables, collect Viva and check Maya and Lennox have left everything as it should be. Thanks for the coffee,’ he told her. He nodded at the French doors and grinned upon seeing Trueman and Boycott with their noses pressed against the glass. ‘We’d better let them in.’
‘Oh crikey, I forgot all about them,’ she admitted, leaping up and rushing over to allow the Yorkshire terriers back into the living room. They immediately dashed over to Clive, investigating him thoroughly.
‘They’re wondering what I’m doing here,’ he said, laughing. ‘It’s usually Ben who deals with them these days. I kind of palmed them off on him.’
‘I’m surprised they’re not registered with the Harley Street equivalent of a veterinary practice,’ Bethany said. ‘Miss Lavender idolises them. Is there a Harley Street equivalent of a veterinary practice, by the way?’
‘Probably,’ he said, ‘but I doubt even they’d be prepared to put up with Eugenie’s total disregard for all advice on diet and exercise for these two. Poor Ben. She doesn’t listen to a word he says.’
‘She’s a law unto herself,’ Bethany agreed.
They smiled at each other, then Clive cleared his throat, suddenly awkward again.
‘Right, I’ll be away then. Thanks again for the coffee and… and for the talk. It was nice. I’ll see you back at Whispering Willows.’
‘You will.’
She followed him to the French doors, and he turned to her as a thought occurred to him.
‘Have you decided when you’re moving back there?’
Bethany nodded. ‘I thought probably next week. I’ve got an electrician coming round on Monday to check the wiring and the supply, and if that’s okay I’ll move in on Saturday. I’m looking for a roofer and a builder next. I want them to check over the house but also the stables. They’re not in good shape, are they? That bulging building is worrying me, and the roof on the other block will need repairing at the very least.’
‘Are you sure?’ Clive looked at her doubtfully. ‘It’s a big investment.’
‘I’m sure,’ she said firmly. ‘Even if the new owners decide to convert the stables into accommodation a good roof will only add to the value. Saves them one job at any rate.’
He experienced a flash of disappointment but pushed it firmly away. ‘I suppose so. Well, I’ll be away then.’
He turned to leave but froze as she caught hold of his hand.
‘Thank you, Clive,’ she said, her big, blue eyes fixed on his.
‘It wasn’t far,’ he said, embarrassed. ‘Honestly, it was nothing.’
‘Not just for walking me home. For everything. For all you’ve done ever since I got here, and before that. I know you helped Joseph so much, and now you’re helping me. I want you to know how much I appreciate it. You’re—you’re quite an amazing man.’
He glanced at the carpet, not sure what to say to that. ‘I help because I want to,’ he said at last. ‘It’s my pleasure.’
She reached up and kissed him lightly on the cheek, then stepped back, her eyes never leaving his.
Without giving it any thought, he bent down and kissed her gently on the lips. It was just a brief kiss, but it sparked something within him that scared the life out of him. The urge to continue kissing her was a powerful one, but he forced himself to step away. He saw the look in her eyes that told him whatever had ignited within himself had also ignited within her.
Time to go. This wasn’t fair on either of them.
‘Bye, Bethany.’
‘Goodbye, Clive.’
He heard the longing in her voice and closed his eyes briefly, wondering if he was completely mad. But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t take this any further when he wasn’t sure what it was he wanted, and she was so vulnerable. What sort of man would that make him?
Without looking back he hurried out into the garden and made his way to the gate. He knew she’d probably follow him to lock the gate after him, but he didn’t turn round. Instead, he strode purposefully towards the drive, heading back to Whispering Willows, his mind whirling with confusion and doubt.
What the hell had he just started?