37. Helen
Chapter 37
Helen
Eventually, despite how good Jax’s mouth felt on mine, my anger overcame my desire.
I pushed against his chest to put some space between us. “I’m sorry you had a shock, but we’re over.” I crossed my arms, hoping he didn’t notice my heaving chest or goosebump-covered skin as my body reacted to him.
“You made it clear how you felt about me when you pretended to come inside me and then moved out while I was sleeping.”
Jax staggered backward.
“It’s not what you think,” he mumbled, his jaw tense and his hand wrapping around the back of his neck.
“What I think is you’ve been messing with me for some reason and you had enough of putting up the pretense of liking me.”
His face crumbled. “I love you.”
I almost believed him, but I knew it was all a lie. “Bullshit.”
“Helen, give me a chance to tell you the truth.”
Tears pricked my eyes, but I was all cried out and the last few hours were starting to resemble an out-of-body experience. “There is nothing you could say that would make me forgive how you’ve made me feel, Jax. Nothing.”
He took another step back and let out an audible breath. “I had cancer, Helen. The reason I didn’t want you to touch me is because I had cancer and I hate what it did to me.”
My mouth fell open, but before I could reply the doors closed and the lift carried me away from him, my heart hammering and my head spinning.
I wandered aimlessly to the nearest bench, needing a moment to try and wipe away the memory of my boys’ faces when I walked into the family room they were waiting in.
They looked so afraid, but then, there were looks of elation, the sobbing apologies from Conner, Jasper offering not to move and Callum’s calm temperament replaced by pure excitement as he spun me around, squeezing me so tight I was sure he’d cracked a couple of ribs.
The events of the night rolled like angry waves in a storm, slamming me with a different emotion every time they hit. Jax, Thomas, my kids, what could have happened if I'd gone inside that club with my friends… I wasn’t sure what to process first. Closing my eyes, I tipped my head back just as I sensed someone sitting down next to me.
“Haven’t we taught you better, Helly? I could have been a psycho about to kidnap you.”
I huffed out a sigh, lifted my head, and opened one eye. “Two o’clock and nine o’clock.” I pointed to the two men I knew had followed me out here and were watching me closely. I opened my other eye to find Sean sitting there holding a takeaway cup.
“Coffee with a kick.”
“A kick?” I questioned, as I took it from him gratefully.
“When you’ve worked for Thomas as long as you and I have, you should always carry something to add a kick. Do you want to talk about it?”
“You mean the fact that Thomas Lanton didn’t die in a car crash and did, in fact, fake his own death so he could save Melissa and a load of people who’d been trafficked, including her half-brother she didn’t even know existed?” I took a sip of the drink, loving the rather large kick that followed.
“I should have listened to you, Helly. The fact you were on to him from the minute he ‘died’…” He did dramatic air quotes.
“No, that idiot should never have tried to fix this on his own. Look at the state of him. If he loses her, we’ll lose him… again.”
“I know. The Boss has got it bad. Pussy whipped into submission. Who’d have thought?”
I turned and smiled at Sean. “Yeah, maybe hold off with the jokes until they’re both healed and back home.”
Sean stuck out his tongue. “Fucking spoilsport.”
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“No. He lied to me. I’ve been a mess for a month. I will kick his old-man ass.”
“You wish.”
He didn’t reply and instead, we both stared off into the distance as the gravity of Thomas’ actions settled. Eventually, Sean let out a long breath before he spoke again. “As we’re having a heart-to-heart, you wanna tell me what’s going on with you and Jax? The poor fucker looks as broken as we feel.”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Helly, rumour has it that he just searched through the morgue thinking you were in there. People don’t do that unless they really care. Have you ever seen a dead body?”
I recoiled. “No!”
“Well, I have and I know Jax will have as well. No one chooses to do that unless they have to.”
I took another sip of my drink, letting the kick burn my throat, hoping it would distract me from how much my heart hurt. It didn’t work.
“We had a thing. It’s over.”
“But he’s still searching through dead people to find you.” Sean looked at me like I’d lost my mind.
“He lied to me. Everything he ever told me feels like a lie. He tried to explain, but even that feels…” My fingers tapped the lid of my cup. “Sorry, I don’t even know what I’m saying. I’m exhausted, and it’s all… God, it all just feels like another story he’s feeding me to… well, actually, I don’t know what he’d get from lying to me.”
Sean turned, leaning his elbow over the back of the bench. “Let me guess. Does it have something to do with his medical records?”
I slammed the cup down next to me, glaring at Sean. “You knew and you didn’t tell me? What the fuck? Why is everyone keeping secrets from me? I thought I was surrounded by amazing men, who trusted me and had my back.” My words were broken with emotion. Sean took my hand in his and brought it to his chest.
“There are very few people I trust, Helly, but you, you are one. I know Thomas feels the same way. Don’t ever doubt that.” I huffed. “Thomas found out when he did his background check on Jax. He told me before he went to Ireland because he was worried you didn’t know everything and wanted me to keep an eye on you in case anything happened to him.” Sean groaned as if his conversations with our boss before his fake death were all making sense. “Fucking asshole,” he muttered.
“Jax told me something, but I don’t think it’s the whole story. What do you know?”
Sean squeezed my hand and then released his hold on me. “There are a lot of things Thomas is good at. One is knowing everything, always. The other is knowing when to share that information. Jax’s story isn’t mine to share just because I know it.”
My eyes narrowed. “Thanks, Sean.”
“Don’t look at me like that, otherwise I will sack your ass.”
“Yeap, only Thomas can sack me. He’s the boss.”
Sean winked. “Apparently not. He’s taking a step back, and he wants me to take over.”
“What?” I gasped. “He’s retiring?”
“I give him a month and he’ll change his mind, but in the meantime, I get to run the show.”
I laughed. “God help us all.”