28. Abi
28
ABI
I don’t know if I’m overstepping by pushing Flynn about the puppy. The look on his face when he saw the pictures of them, then the look that crossed it when Olivia and Katie shot him down is scratched into my brain though and I can’t let it go.
Is encouraging him about the puppy really overstepping when I jerked him off and came all over his hand last night? Probably not.
I direct Flynn through the streets, still quiet and sleepy this early on a Saturday. The sun is just cresting the horizon and it’s peaceful.
I don’t know how peaceful things are between Flynn and I though. He seems … conflicted.
I worry I pushed him too much and he regrets it, but there isn’t much I can do about that right now.
“Left here,” I say, pointing to my street. Flynn indicates and makes the turn, not saying a word. “This one with the blue door,” I say and he jerks in surprise. It’s then that I realise his hands are gripping the steering wheel like they did that day we made out on the beach. His knuckles are white and he’s looking like if he lets go his whole world will fall apart.
“How long do you need?” he rasps, hands not leaving the steering wheel, not even to put the ute into park.
“You can come in for a bit if you want,” I say, but Flynn shakes his head, jerking it roughly from side to side, his eyes fixed on my bright blue front door. “Um, maybe half an hour?”
“Okay. I’ll see you back here.”
I’m effectively dismissed and I climb out of the ute. The moment my door is closed, he’s backing away.
So, I guess that answers my question about how he’s feeling about last night. I shouldn’t have been so flippant about his experience, or lack of it, or any of his other concerns about us hooking up. I just so desperately needed the escape from my brain, and it felt so good I don’t even feel like I should regret it.
I don’t want to regret it.
I sigh and shove my key into the lock. I flick Emily a message as I close the door behind me and dump my keys on the side table in the entryway.
I have a quick shower and by the time I’m out, Emily has replied. I pick up the phone and call her.
“Em, I think I fucked up,” I say as soon as she answers.
“The farm hand guy? What’s his name? Flynn?”
“What? How did you know?” I love that we don’t have to beat around the bush with anything in our friendship. We’ve been through enough to know there isn’t any judgement from either side. But I still don’t understand how she could possibly know about Flynn.
“Because honey, you talk about him constantly. Way more than you talk about Dallas, almost as much as you talk about Sadie.”
I sigh and slump onto my bed, then immediately jump up again, switching the phone to speaker and pulling on my clothes. “He’s my only friend here,” I say. “If I can even really call him a friend.”
“Of course you can. You like him, you spend time with him. Apparently he likes to hang out with you. That’s pretty much the definition of friends.”
“Yeah, but like I said, I fucked up.” I wrestle with the zipper on my dress. What I really need is another set of hands, but asking Flynn to do it when he gets back is out of the question, not when he can barely look at me.
“Why? Did you fuck him?” she asks and I can hear the cackle building in her voice. I groan and she unleashes her wicked laugh. “You did!”
“Not exactly.”
“Did one or both of you come because of something you did to the other?”
“Yes.”
“It counts, babe. But more importantly, how was it?”
“Really, really, really good.”
“Was this the first time?”
I groan again and Emily lets out a shriek that’s far too loud for this early in the morning. “We sort of made out on the beach a couple of weeks ago. ”
“Hot.”
“It really, really was.” My blood heats up just remembering that day.
“Was that the day he taught you to ride his bike? Didn’t know that was a euphemism.”
I laugh, the sound echoing around the room. “It wasn’t. I really did learn to drive it … then we made out on it.”
“Maybe Simone needs a dirt bike … That sounds super hot.” Emily groans. “Right, sorry. Focussing. Why’d it take you so long between making out and getting off?”
“Because Flynn was worried about what would happen if we went further.”
“And he’s not worried now?”
“Oh, yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s worried now. That’s why I fucked up. I shouldn’t have pushed him.” I start in on my makeup while we talk and I can hear Emily making her morning coffee. I love this about our friendship, how seamlessly we fit each other into our lives. “He’s acting weird this morning. I don’t know how to fix it.”
“You don’t always need to be fixing things you know. Maybe he just needs a little time. Or a proper fucking.”
“Em,” I groan and she laughs.
“Just give him some time. He’ll come around and either want to do it again, or he won’t. Which is unlikely because, like, you own a mirror, right? But, more importantly, go you. I’m happy you’re getting out of your head a little. A young, hot farmhand is exactly what you need.”
“Yeah, but what if he doesn’t want to do it again?”
“Like I said, unlikely. But if he doesn’t, I’m sure everything will be fine. From everything you’ve said about him, he’s pretty laidback, right?”
“Right.” Laidback is exactly the right word to describe Flynn. Laidback, fun, and really, really sweet.
“So even if he chooses not to take you to bed again, I don’t think he’ll freak out so much that your friendship can’t recover.”
I puff out a breath. “I suppose you’re right. He hasn’t done this kind of thing before. Maybe he’s just adjusting.”
“What kind of thing hasn’t he done before?”
I hesitate. I could tell her that he hasn’t done any of it before. But that’s Flynn’s business, not Emily’s. And I don’t want to tell her. I like that it’s just between us. “The friends with benefits thing,” I say instead.
“Oh, right, yeah well that can take some getting used to. He’ll get there though.” Her voice softens, all traces of vivacious humour gone. “It’ll be okay, Abi. Don’t let your head tell you otherwise. Flynn is your friend. Getting each other off isn’t going to ruin that, okay?”
“Okay,” I whisper, wishing my voice was stronger, that I believed it more.
“Now, don’t you have a huge ass wedding to run today? Why are you freaking out on the phone to me?”
“I’d really rather you hadn’t reminded me of that,” I groan. Flynn had been a nice distraction from my job and all the things I have to stress about today.
“You’ll smash it, Abs. I know you will. You always do. And if you need a pe talk, you know where to find me. ”
“That I do. Thanks Em.”
“Love you, Abi. Go slay that wedding, then screw the guy. Winning all around.”
I can’t help laughing along with her.
I’m not sure I’ll be doing either, but I’m not going to let the little voices in my head mess with me.
Not today anyway.