37. Abi
37
ABI
After Flynn makes me come on my desk, then comes all over my ass, we clean up and I get changed into what I’m now affectionately calling my farm clothes; a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and hoodie, all old and worn, but perfect for hanging out with Flynn, or Sadie, after work.
“Want to go riding at the beach again?” Flynn asks as I lock up the function barn.
“Riding? Or riding? I don’t know if I have that in me again.”
“Motorbike,” he says, his grin wicked. “It’s time you had some more practise. Because I definitely don’t have that in me again. Not for a little while at least.”
I laugh. “Sounds good, though I feel like I’ve completely forgotten how to drive that thing.”
Shrugging, he points to his ute and I climb into the passenger side. “You’ll pick it up again. I have faith.”
I roll my eyes but don’t reply as Flynn drives us around to the main farm entrance .
“Do I look like we’ve just been doing filthy things on my desk?” I ask as he pulls into the driveway. Slowing to a stop, he turns to study me.
“No, I don’t think so. A little pink in the cheeks, but that’s not unusual.” His mouth lifts into a smirk.
I narrow my eyes at him. “Are you mocking me?” I fold my arms and stare him down, willing myself to hold it together and not laugh.
“Not at all.” His sincerity, his openness, is one of my favourite things about him. He reacts out a thumb and brushes it over my cheek. “I love your blush, Rosie .”
Oh.
That’s where Rosie comes from? I just assumed it was a dumb nickname spurned from the flower debacle. Not an endearment .
Words freeze in my throat, but Flynn doesn’t seem to notice. He just turns his attention back to driving.
We bypass the main house, though my gaze is searching, looking for Sadie. I don’t spot her and as we descend the slight hill down to the barn I realise why. She’s with Katie, putting Scout and Aurora back in their paddock. They must have been riding after school.
“Flynn,” Sadie shouts as soon as he opens his door.
“Heya, sprout,” he replies cheerfully, stretching his arms out to catch her as she leaps at him. “Look who I brought with me.” He lowers her back to the ground and Sadie spins towards me.
She hesitates for barely a second before throwing herself at me too. “Hey, mama,” she says.
My arms tighten around her as my heart freezes, then swells. “Hey, sweet girl,” I murmur against her hair, tears burning at my eyes. She’s never called me anything close to mum before. So far she’s pretty much avoided calling me anything, though I’m not sure anyone else, including Sadie, is aware of that.
“Hey, Abi, Flynn,” Katie says, slinging the horses lead ropes over her shoulder and approaching us after she’s finished latching the gate. “Hey, Sadie, I have to go check something, do you want to stay with your mum and Flynn while I do, or come with me?”
I had my reservations about Katie when I first arrived. Not about how she is with Sadie, but how she’d be with me and whether her relationship with Dallas is too new to handle my sudden appearance, but she’s taken it all in stride. And I love how she gives Sadie choices, like this one.
Sadie peers up at me. “Can I stay with you?”
My breath catches in my throat again. I clear my throat and force words out. “Sure thing.”
“I should only be about fifteen minutes,” Katie says.
I nod, my heart still in my throat. As much as I’ve wanted more with Sadie, I haven’t yet looked after her alone.
Before, this was the moment when everything would fall apart.
This is the time I’d have a panic attack and Dallas would realise he couldn’t leave me alone with my own daughter.
I could once upon a time, but after Sadie and I had that horse riding accident … I just couldn’t anymore.
I tried, but every time Dallas went to walk out the door, my throat would close up, my vision would go dark and I’d lose it .
As if the stress of Sadie’s injuries wasn’t enough to deal with, then he had to deal with my complete breakdown as well.
That’s why I left them, so Dallas had one less thing to worry about. Sure leaving him a single parent probably wasn’t great, but at least he wasn’t responsible for all of Sadie’s care as well as me.
I’ve spent the intervening years in therapy and fine-tuning anxiety medication until I had my life back under control and now here I am, on the verge of losing my shit all over again, despite all that work I’ve put in.
I’m not even truly alone, because Flynn is here, wheeling his motorbike towards the ute.
Katie’s still talking and I force myself to breathe and listen to what she’s saying. “If you need something to occupy her, she needs to clean Scout’s bit.”
“Yeah, of course,” I say, voice thick.
Katie studies me for a moment, her expression resolute. “You’re fine, Abi. You’ve got this. Fifteen minutes.”
I swallow and nod. She knows, and she has faith in me anyway. She climbs into the side-by-side, gives Sadie and Flynn a wave and heads down the farm.
“Hey, Sadie,” I call out and she turns towards me. “Do you need to do something with Scout’s tack?”
After a moment, her face lights up. “I need to clean it!” She skips towards me.
“Sorry,” I say to Flynn, shoving my hands in my pockets to hide the fact they’re quivering. I take a deep breath, exhaling the tremor of anxiety I’m feeling. “We can still go when Katie’s back? ”
“Of course,” he says, leaning against his ute with his arms folded casually across his chest. “Never apologise for Sadie, okay? Never.”
“Okay.” I shoot him a smile and my heart gives a little flutter as he returns it. Then Sadie slips her hand into mine and I shove thoughts of Flynn out of my mind.
Focus on Sadie.
It’s not hard to do when she chatters the entire time she’s cleaning the bit in Scout’s bridle. Once she’s done with that, she cleans Aurora’s for Katie, then asks me if I know how to clean the straps and when I say I do, from my childhood as a pony club kid, she asks if I’ll help her, to surprise Katie.
It’s impossible to say no to her, so we carry the saddles and bridles out into the sunshine to wipe them down and rub saddle soap into the leather.
“This looks productive.” Katie’s voice cuts into my contented thoughts.
Apparently fifteen minutes has passed and my anxiety hasn’t spiralled since she left. Sitting out here in the sun, the smell of leather tack and saddle soap surrounding us, listening to Sadie ramble about her day, it’d be pretty hard to be stressed out.
“Surprise,” Sadie says, jumping up to wrap her arms around Katie’s waist.
“Thank you,” she replies, bending down to drop a kiss on the top of Sadie’s head. “And thank you.” Katie turns to me. “All okay?”
“Yeah, great, and no worries about the saddle. It’s been a while since I’ve cleaned one but Sadie showed me what to do. ”
“You guys hanging out?” Katie asks, tilting her head towards Flynn, who’s loaded his bike onto his ute in the time I’ve been with Sadie.
“Yeah. He seems to think I should learn to ride that thing.”
Katie’s eyes widen and I recall Flynn saying something about his friends thinking he was crazy for letting anyone ride it. She doesn’t say anything about it though, just nods once. “How do you feel about picking Sadie up from school tomorrow?”
The usual hit of panic shoots through me, but I push it down. It’s collecting her from school and driving her home. That’s it. I can do that.
I take a deep breath. “Yes, I’d love to.” She grins. “Does Dallas know about this?”
Katie shrugs. “Look, I love the man, he’s the best person I’ve ever met, but he’s … overprotective. I understand why he is the way he is, but that doesn’t mean things should always stay that way. He needs a little nudge now and then, and it turns out I can get away with that.”
“As long as it’s not putting you two in an awkward position. I don’t want to mess with what you’ve got going.”
She smiles, and it’s softer than I’m used to seeing from her. She’s always so confident and self-assured and is clearly comfortable pushing Dallas’s boundaries, which I admit is probably good for him.
“I know,” she says. “I love Dallas, and I love Sadie too, which means we’ve got to make this work. He’s anxious about pushing you too hard, too fast. But Sadie deserves her mum in her life, and you deserve it too,” she adds and I feel heat prickling at my eyes .
Oh, god. Am I going to cry right now?
“Thanks,” I whisper, just managing to hold the tears in.
“If the school pick up doesn’t work, for whatever reason, let me know.”
I nod and she calls out to Sadie, who’s been carrying the bridles back inside, asking her if she’s ready to go. Sadie waves goodbye to Flynn, then wraps her arms around my waist. The familiarity of the gesture makes me want to fall to my knees and cry in appreciation for everything that’s brought me back to this point.
“Bye, Mama,” she says.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I say, voice thick as I let the word Mama wash over me.
“You good, Rosie?” Flynn says, voice low behind me.
“I’m absolutely perfect,” I say, turning to him with a grin.
“That you are.”