49. Flynn
49
FLYNN
Abi wakes me from where I’m curled on the hospital bed beside Sadie, telling me it’s time to go.
It’s getting late now and I don’t know how Abi is so awake, especially considering how exhausting a panic attack must be.
I carry Sadie to the car and Abi insists on driving us home, where I carry Sadie inside and tuck her into Abi’s bed.
Abi watches me and follows me to the kitchen once I’m done.
I turn to her. “You okay here?”
“Yeah, but you can’t drive now, Flynn.”
I glance around the room, looking anywhere but at her. I could handle being around her when Sadie was the focus, when the worry about her was overwhelming anything else.
But now that I know Sadie is going to be fine and just needs some sleep, I can’t handle being around Abi anymore.
“Stay, Flynn. You’ve been falling asleep half the night. You wouldn’t let me drive when I was less tired than you are right now.”
I sigh. “Fine. Sadie’s room? Or the couch?”
“Sadie’s room is fine.” Abi’s face drops as some kind of realisation hits. “You’re going to sleep in there before she is.”
Oof. Sadie was supposed to be in there tonight, in the room Abi has carefully been putting together since she moved here. What a milestone.
And instead she spent half the night at the hospital and I’ll be sleeping in there the rest of the night.
“I don’t have to sleep in there,” I say. “The couch is fine.”
She gives me a look. “Like you’ll fit on that couch.” She glances at it, her gaze lingering and her cheeks turning pink. I refuse to think about what I know is currently on her mind. The night I spread her out on that coffee table. The night she knelt before me and rocked my world as I sat on the couch in question.
Yeah, so I’ll be sleeping in Sadie’s room.
“You want to know something?” I say as I step past her. “It was my room first anyway.”
Abi’s eyes light up. “Please tell Sadie that tomorrow. She’ll love it.”
“Alright.”
Then I head to bed, alone, and thank fuck I’m as exhausted as I am from all the late hours I’ve done this week, because I fall asleep after only a small amount of angsting over Abi and how much I miss feeling her skin under my hands.
More than that just missing her body, I miss her, in general. All of her. I’m in way too deep and I don’t know what to do except let myself drown.
Car doors slamming wakes me from a restless sleep. I crack my eyes open at horse posters plastered over the walls and when I roll over I almost fall off the side of the single bed.
Sadie’s bed.
Ah, that’s right. I guess my plan to wake up early and slip out isn’t going to work anymore.
I can hear Abi’s voice filtering down the hallway, then Dallas’s.
Fuck, is this going to be weird? At least I’m not in Abi’s bed this time.
I push myself up and find the jeans and t-shirt I dumped on the floor last night, pulling them on before heading down the hall, following the sound of voices.
Abi, Dallas and Katie meet me in the middle of the hall, on their way to Abi’s room.
“Hey,” I say, acknowledging Dallas and Katie. “How’s Sadie?” I ask Abi.
“She’s good,” she answers. “A bit tired, but feeling heaps better. Come see for yourself.” She gives me a soft, grateful smile that’s lined with a touch of anxiety as I turn and lead them into Abi’s room.
Sadie’s curled on her side on the bed, her eyes fluttering open as we walk into the room. I lean against the wall, posture relaxed, which is a far cry from Abi’s as she stands beside me. It takes every tiny piece of self-control I have not to reach out for her, to soothe her stress with my hands.
“Daddy,” Sadie whispers.
“Hey, Sadie girl,” Dallas says, perching on the edge of the bed. “How are you doing? Your mum said you weren’t feeling well.”
Sadie curls into his side, shaking her head. “I wasn’t. Such a sore tummy. I had to go see the doctor.”
“Are you feeling better now?” he asks and Sadie nods.
“Little bit,” she whispers before snuggling into him more.
Katie sits on the bed on the other side of Sadie and murmurs soft words to the little girl, trailing her fingers through her hair.
I watch the three of them, feeling a little bit like a creeper, and insanely jealous. That’s what I want. Somehow. A family of my own. The Austin’s are incredible and somewhere deep down I know my brother loves me. I know I have a family, but it’s not that same as having your person.
I just had to go find, then fall in love with, a person who’s unavailable for more than anything casual. I know I could have handled the whole situation better. I know I shut her out as soon as the realisation I’m in love with her sunk in. Maybe I should have talked to her about it, like she was so adamant we needed to do.
But the fear of her saying she doesn’t want me … it’s easier to just end it. Then I can still pretend she at least likes me as a friend.
I’ve always been a dramatic motherfucker.
Dallas glances up, mouth open ready to speak, then his expression shifts, confusion crossing his face. “Where’d Abi go? ”
I glance beside me, startled to realise she’s slipped out of the room without me even noticing. Apparently I was too caught up in my feels over being all alone to notice her leaving the room.
Dallas moves to stand but I hold up a hand.
“I’ll go find her,” I say. I don’t know what possesses me because it’s the exact opposite of giving her space. I just know if she’s anxious right now, Dallas might not be the person to go after her.
I head down the hallway into the kitchen. She’s not there. I scan the open-plan area, taking in the couch, the dining table, the empty back deck.
Maybe she just went to the bathroom. I honestly can’t remember if the door was open or closed as I came down the hall.
Then a flash of movement, in the room right at the end of the house catches my eye.
Sadie’s room. The one I just came out of.
When I step inside, Abi is sitting on the far corner of Sadie’s bed, leaning against the wall, clutching the pillow to her chest.
She startles when she sees me, then relaxes again, turning her face into the pillow.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey,” she replies, the word muffled by the pillow.
“Can I?” I gesture to the bed beside her and she peers at me over the top of the pillow before giving a short nod.
I slide onto the bed next to her, my back against the wall and legs stretched out in front of me.
“Are you okay?” I whisper.
She leans into me, but doesn’t answer. I wrap an arm around her pulling her closer, inhaling her delicate scent. It makes my heart twinge. This is a special form of torture.
A moment later, Abi’s body shudders and sobs burst from her. She presses her face into the pillow and I know if I were to pull it away, it would be soaked with her tears.
“Rosie, hey, no.” I pull her closer, scooping her up and depositing her on my lap, wrapping both arms tight around her shaking body.
She shoves the pillow away and instead presses her face—wet with tears as I expected—into my shirt. Her fingers latch onto my shoulder, anchoring her and I revel in the feeling of being able to be this person for her.
I hold her close, knowing it’s likely the last time I’ll ever have the chance. After this, I have to let her go.
Properly.
For good.
Long moments pass as Abi cries into my shirt and I whisper reassurances to her. As her sobs fade I slip my hand under her chin, lifting her gaze to meet mine.
“Talk to me, Rosie,” I whisper.
She shakes her head and tries to slip out of my grasp.
“Please. I need to know how I can help.”
“You can’t,” she says, voice thick with tears. “I can’t do this. I don’t know why I thought I could. I’m not supposed to be Sadie’s mum. She doesn’t need me. She has her family now.” She waves towards the wall with Dallas, Katie and Sadie on the other side.
“She does need you, and you are her mum.”
“No, I’m not. I brought her into the world sure, but I haven’t been there for her. I haven’t raised her. I tried and the first chance I get, I fail.” She lets out a heavy breath. “I’m going to leave them to it and stop trying to force something that’s not meant to be.” Her voice breaks again and more sobs tear free. She tries to shove off my lap, but I hold her tight, trying to process everything she’s saying.
“You’re going to leave town?” I ask, dumbstruck. She can’t leave. She just can’t. She belongs here now.
“There’s nothing for me here.” This time when she pushes away from me I don’t have the strength to hold her in place. She curls back into the corner, pulling the pillow between us like a shield. “You made it pretty clear where you stand the other day, and I’m sorry I dragged you into this mess.”
“Where I stand?” I echo, still trying to process that she wants to leave .
“That you don’t want anything to do with me anymore. I’m sorry I pushed you too hard that night. I should have left you alone, like you wanted.”
“I’ve never wanted you to leave me alone,” I blurt out. “The opposite. I want you too much.” She blinks at me and I barely register what I’ve said because I’m still stuck on her wanting to leave … not me, but Sadie . “You can’t leave Sadie. There’s so much for you here. This place is your home.”
“Sadie has everything she ever needed with her dad.”
“She still needs her mum. Trust me. She needs her mum. And yeah, she has Katie, but why limit her? Why can’t that little girl have all the love in the world? She fucking deserves it, and so do you.” I reach out and swipe my thumb along a stray tear that trickles down her cheek. I hesitate, then play the guilt trip. “ Take it from someone who misses his mum every single day, Sadie needs you.”
Abi narrows her eyes at me, the corner of her mouth tugging up. “You really went there?”
I shrug. “If that’s what it takes, then yeah.”
“But, I couldn’t even look after her.” Her voice is a broken whisper.
“Yeah, you could. You did everything right. Ask Dallas. He’ll agree with me. Sure, you had an attack, but you called me. You asked for help when you needed it. It’s okay to have help. This family sticks together, and now you’re a part of it. Being Sadie’s mum gives you automatic entry.”
I watch as Abi slowly lowers her defences, her posture relaxing, the pillow shield drooping, the tension in her expression softening.
“Please, don’t go,” I whisper. “For Sadie’s sake.”
For mine too, I want to add.
But I don’t, because after today, I’m letting go of everything I feel for her.
Or at least I’m going to shove it right to the back of my mind and bury it so it never sees the light of day again.