Chapter 24
“Mangroves are a group of trees and shrubs that grow in slow-moving water in tropical areas,” our guide explains as we slowly paddle beside her.
I nod like I’m listening, but really, my thoughts are far away. I hope there won’t be a quiz after, because I wouldn’t get a single answer correct.
“Mangroves have a very sophisticated ecosystem,” the guide says, looking right at me as if she knows my own personal ecosystem is a chaotic mess.
Matt and I haven’t spoken since our kiss last night. This is more than Costco 2.0 or Tessa telling him to ignore me. I hurt him…again. I keep doing that. What is wrong with me—besides the obvious mom issues? He gave me everything I wanted last night. He told me he missed me. I felt his feelings through his kiss, and he even begged to love me. Then, I pushed him away.
I’m a freaking nightmare!
I don’t want to be this way.
The fear just builds inside me until I get so anxious that I sabotage every relationship going well in my life. It’s a wonder that Jana and Chelsea have stuck around all these years.
How many times am I going to let this happen? Am I going to be fifty, breaking up for the twentieth time since Matt? By those calculations, I’d go through twenty guys in twenty-three years. Apparently, I’m a tramp in my visions of the future, so I have that to look forward to.
Unless…
I look at Matt ahead of me. Actually, I look at how his back muscles bend and curve as he pushes his board forward.
I shake my head.
Stay present, Rem.
Let’s do a mental checklist of the things that are important to me.
Am I attracted to him? Yes. (Ignore anything I said earlier. I was lying.)
Do I feel emotionally and mentally connected to him? Yes.
Is he driven and intelligent? Double yes.
Is he kind? Yes. Sigh.
Would he be a good dad? So good.
Does he love and treat me well? Yes.
Does he make me happy? Yes.
I’m the dumbest girl in the world. If I were a character in a movie, viewers would want to take me by the neck and wring the stupidity out of me.
I push my paddle into the water, trying to get to where Matt is.
“On our tour today, you might be able to see some of the sea life that thrives in this area.” The guide lady is still zeroing in on me. Do I have a snorkel attached to my face that I don’t know about? Surely, I would know, but her unwavering attention has me doubting. “If you look down, you might be able to see nurse sharks or even manatees.”
“Sharks?” Lissy whines from the back.
“Don’t worry. Both animals are very docile, especially the manatees. They might look big and scary, but they are calm and peaceful animals that love human interaction. Sea cows, as they’re nicknamed.”
My board knocks into Dalton’s, sending him off course.
“Sorry,” I say as I pass.
“Where are you going, Remi?” Jana asks from the back.
I shake my head, calling over my shoulder. “Uh, nowhere. I just really love manatees and wanted to get to the front to see better.”
“You love manatees?” I hear Jana question.
I’m not even sure what a stupid manatee is.
My board skids against the side of Matt’s.
“Hey!” I infuse my voice with cheerfulness. The animation is supposed to show him that we’re cool, that I’m normal now, so stop ignoring me. I guess it doesn’t work, because all he does is flip me a head nod.
It’s fine. I can be charming.
“Manatees,” I say. “Isn’t that the stingray thing that killed the Crocodile Hunter?”
Matt keeps his focus straight ahead. “You’re thinking of a manta ray.”
“Oh, good! Not good.” I grimace, and my voice goes reverent. “It’s very sad that the Crocodile Hunter got killed. I’m just saying I’m glad it’s not the same animal, or else I was about to think that our tour guide didn’t know what she was talking about when she said they were docile.”
Nothing.
Matt’s face is expressionless, so I keep going. “I guess I don’t know what a manatee is.”
“They’re hard to miss,” he says dryly.
I lower my voice. “So, is this part of the war? You’re going to be cold to me now?”
“The war’s over.” His eyes flick to mine. “You won.”
I feel like I’ve been punched in the heart. My board wobbles, and it takes a second for me to recover. Right now, I don’t feel like I’ve won anything. Only lost.
I can’t blame Matt for being upset with me. Heck, I’m upset with myself.
“I’m sorry about last night,” I say.
“I bet you are,” he snaps. “Don’t worry. I won’t kiss you again.”
“That’s not what I meant.” I glance back at him. “The kiss was good. It was more than good,” I muse. “But I’m talking about the part after the kiss.”
His head jerks to mine. “The part where you pushed me away. Where you said, ‘I can’t,’ and then you walked away?”
He’s got a great memory. I’m sure the people at NASA are thrilled about that.
“Yes. I’m apologizing for all of it.”
His focus goes back on the water. “Thanks.”
Now what?
My apology didn’t win him over.
It’s time to remind him of the good ol’ days.
“Do you remember the last time we went paddle boarding together?”
“Yeah, I told you I loved you and freaked you out.”
“You didn’t freak me out. I’m just slower to?—”
“What are you trying to do here?” he asks, turning to me. “What’s the point of bringing up memories from the past?”
“I—”
“There are several manatees below us!” the tour guide calls out to the group.
I look down and see a ginormous dark thing swimming below me. I scream, recoiling back, almost falling off my board.
“That thing is huge!” I look at Matt, and for once today, it doesn’t seem like he hates me. His lips are curved upward, and there’s amusement swirling through his eyes.
“You’re fine.” He laughs. “They’re friendly, remember? The cows of the sea.”
Cows of the sea? Is that like how tuna is the chicken of the sea?
I straighten, gaining my composure. “It just startled me, that’s all.”
A manatee swims toward us, knocking Matt’s board. “Whoa,” he says, bending his knees so he doesn’t fall off. The animal spins in the water and heads back toward Matt, bumping his board again. “What the heck?” His arms go out to the side, and he looks at the tour lady. “I thought you said they’re docile.”
“They love human interaction,” she says.
“Why is it interacting with me?” Matt’s head is on a swivel, rocking his board back and forth as he looks for the animal. He lifts his paddle in the air like he means to use it to fight off the giant mammal.
“Dude, you can’t hit the manatee with your oar,” Peter says.
“I think it’s illegal,” Reece yells.
“What am I supposed to do, then? Let the thing attack me?”
“They won’t hurt you,” the guide reassures.
I smile, throwing his words back on him. “They’re friendly, remember?”
Matt doesn’t even react to me. His entire focus is on the water around him.
The manatee slowly swims around, heading back in our direction.
“What’s its problem?” Matt shouts.
My hand goes to my mouth as I watch the mammal bump its body above the surface right under Matt’s board. His arms swing around and around as if that will somehow help him hold his balance. His eyes go wide as he flops into the water, making a huge splash. When he comes up for air, he’s kicking and yelling, “Where is it? It’s after me!”
The rest of us have no sympathy. We’re laughing too hard.
Matt holds the side of his board, flinching as the manatee glides by him, skimming across his arms and shoulders. “It’s on my back! It’s on my back!”
I’m laughing so hard I can barely catch my breath. There’s something so cute about Matt when everything goes wrong, when his perfection is challenged. Those are the times I relate to him the most, and it hits me. Maybe I don’t have to be the perfect wife, mother, and partner for us to work out. Maybe there is beauty in the imperfection of it all.
We could be perfectly imperfect together.
That is, if he takes me back.
Matt kicks his legs, swimming to get his paddle that floated away during his fall. “I swear if it comes by me again, I’m punching it in the gut.”
Dalton’s voice goes deep and serious as he impersonates a newscaster. “Florida man gets thrown in jail for attacking the friendliest sea animal there ever was.”
Peter’s voice mimics Dalton’s. “Florida man arrested after punching a sea cow in the gut.”
“Florida man?” He shakes his head. “Are we back to that?”
I burst out a heavy laugh, causing Matt to look at me. “What are you laughing at?”
“Nothing, Florida man.” I smirk.
Matt swims to my board. “Don’t act like you’re not scared of the manatees too.”
I step to the back of my board, out of his reach, but he lurches his body forward, pulling on my ankles. I scream, trying to keep my balance, but his force is too much. I fall in the water, landing next to him. Matt’s arm wraps around my waist, and the other holds my board. Even through the water, I feel the burn of his fingers on my bare skin. I place my hands on his shoulders, letting our chests skim together as we bob up and down.
“Maybe I should feed you to the manatees.” His lips twitch, and it’s all I can do to drag my eyes away from his mouth.
“You love me too much to do that.” Five minutes ago, I wouldn’t have said something so bold, but my confidence grew the second Matt pulled me into the water.
His cute smirk turns into a sad smile. “You’re right. I love you too much.”
“Hey, Florida man,” Reece says as he floats past us. “Quit flirting and get back on your board so we can continue our tour.”
Matt squeezes my hip once before releasing me.
I just decided that manatees are my new favorite animal.