Chapter 12
TWELVE
Neither she nor Linc said much on the short drive back to Devin’s house. Rising anxiety jumbled her thoughts even though she practiced her controlled breathing, and she tried to visualize and plan what she’d do once they arrived so she’d be in control.
After Linc parked, they retrieved the bags from the trunk. He unlocked the door and flicked on the lights inside. Setting the bags on the kitchen table, he turned to address her before she could escape to the bedroom. “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
He gave a gruff semi-laugh and cleared his throat. “I’m not buying that. Do you think Jalen’s too young to sleep over or that he’s unsafe there? Because I?—”
“I’m sure he’s just as safe there or even more so. I wish you’d asked me before making the decision.”
His mouth hung open before he said a soft, “Oh.” He closed his eyes, and his lips disappeared as his head bobbed slightly. “With how you pulled away at lunch, I should have realized . . .”
“Realized what?”
“You’re afraid to be here alone with me. Look, you can trust me,” he continued when she didn’t immediately deny it. “Do you know what happened to Bri?”
“She shared her history when I became her case worker so I could get her plugged into the right resources.” His perceptiveness shocked her into answering. Bri might have shared more with her than Linc even knew about.
“I get it. And you should know I’m the last person who’ll take advantage of you having to be holed up with me here. If there were another option to make sure you were safe and felt safe, I wouldn’t make you stay here, but . . . You can lock the bedroom door,” he offered lamely.
She nearly snorted at that. After he picked the lock to Bri’s door in under a minute, she knew a bedroom door lock was in no way a deterrent. “I’ll be all right. Please, don’t take it personally. It’s not you. It’s the situation.” And having lost all control, though, his addressing this let her breathe almost normally again.
“Can I ask a question?”
“Why not?” She braced herself for this to get even more uncomfortable.
“Does this have to do with the soldier you had a bad experience with?”
“It does,” she admitted, since he’d probably know if she lied.
Linc’s expression twisted. Veins on his arms popped as his hands clenched into fists. “The son of a bitch,” he muttered. “I hope you reported him for rape, and his ass was kicked out of the Army.”
“He didn’t rape me.” Her stomach muscles constricted as she said the R-word.
“Really?” His eyes narrowed, though his tone softened by a fraction. “Because you’re displaying the same behaviors Bri did.”
“It wasn’t rape,” she repeated, weaker this time.
“What happened then?” He didn’t back down.
Tightness in her chest rebounded quicker than it had abated. She pulled out the chair and sat, using the kitchen table as a buffer. “I met this guy while celebrating a friend’s birthday at a club. We went out the next week. I found out he was in the Army over dinner, but he seemed like such a nice guy. Talked about his family and what he wanted to do when he got out of the Army.”
The story came easier as Linc eased silently into the other chair, angling it so he was closer and not directly across from her.
“We went to dinner and a movie another night. Then, he invited me to a party in his apartment complex. We’d both had too much to drink to drive, so we went back to his apartment. After a while, I tried to put the brakes on things . . .” She gave minimal information.
“And he didn’t take no for an answer.”
“Not exactly. He said it wasn’t fair because he was ‘too worked up to stop.’ So, I—I did what he wanted.” She fought back the tears as helplessness, shame, and guilt pressed down on her like a concrete slab. “It’s just as much my fault.”
“No! You didn’t do anything wrong.” Linc’s tone lowered the temperature in the room. “You said no. That should have been the end of it. Getting ‘too worked up?’ That’s utter bullshit. No guy ever died from that. He could have gone and jacked off. Trust me, he does that regularly anyway. You have the right to say no—at any time. Even if you initially gave consent. Even if you’ve had sex with him before. It’s your body. Pressuring you to do a sexual act against your will, minimally, it’s sexual assault. Or date rape, which is still rape.”
His passionate words delivered a powerful blow to the blame she’d carried since. Though it also drove home the reality she’d tried to deny. It wasn’t a matter of things going too far. She had been sexually assaulted .
“Look at me.” He paused until she did. “I’m sorry it happened to you. I’ve seen what it can do to a person. I don’t want it to ever happen to you again or to keep screwing up your life.” His voice cracked, and he broke eye contact, but not before she saw the grief in his eyes.
Clearly, he was a protector. Bri. Jalen. Even trying to protect her. “I did talk to a counselor but didn’t delve into all the specifics.” Since she didn’t want to be told it was her fault. “Certain situations can still be triggering.”
“I get that. Thank you for trusting me enough to be honest.”
“I do trust you.” More than she’d trusted any man since then. “We both need to get to sleep. It’s been a long day.” Reliving what Don had done to her had drained the little energy remaining, though, surprisingly, she was in a better frame of mind than before they had this conversation.
He nodded and didn’t stop her as she retreated to the bedroom.
After an hour that seemed like an eternity, Kendra finally admitted defeat and got out of bed. When she cracked the bedroom door, she could make out Linc sitting on the couch, his face lit by the computer screen. His head jerked up as she drifted into the living room.
“Couldn’t sleep?” she asked.
“Not when I’m no closer to finding Regina or Bri than I was this morning. Guessing you couldn’t either.” He shifted on the cushion. “Sorry if I overstepped earlier.”
“You didn’t. I needed to hear what you said.” She sat on the couch, curling a leg under her to semi-face him. “About two weeks, after— it , I told two of my friends. One had a similar experience in college. I guess I wanted them to tell me he was wrong, and I wasn’t to blame. Instead, I came away with more of a sense of ‘we put ourselves in a bad situation and decided to give in rather than stand up for ourselves.’ I thought I’d be able to let it go, but . . .”
“It doesn’t magically un happen or go away.”
He was right there. Little things like his unanticipated touch earlier were reminders. “It wasn’t too long after that when I met you. I was afraid of getting into a situation I couldn’t control again.” That night still made her distrustful—of men and herself.
“I get that.” Linc nodded in a manner that reassured her he did understand—unfortunately, because of what had happened to Bri.
“It took a while to start dating, and I’ve only had one long-term relationship.” Most guys weren’t interested in taking things as slow as she needed. “Marcus was older and more mature than guys my age. When I finally told him what happened, he was understanding and patient, but he never dispelled the blame I’ve carried like you did tonight.” She sniffed and knuckled away a tear that escaped. Normally, even thinking about it raised her anxiety, and she couldn’t maintain eye contact. But Linc’s early reaction validated and empowered her.
“If it weren’t for what happened to Bri, I might not get it either. But I saw what it did to her. She was only twelve, and it—it tears me up that I wasn’t there for her. I saw how their dealer looked at Bri, but I left to shoot hoops with the new ball they gave me.” His face pinched.
“Linc, you had no way of knowing they would let that happen.”
“ Let it happen?” he scoffed. “They sold her so they could get high.”
She didn’t want to believe Bri’s own parents would do that. But, in Kendra’s line of work, she’d seen similar—and worse, so she didn’t contradict him.
“I quit playing ball after that night and wouldn’t leave her alone with them. I didn’t trust them, but I didn’t know what else to do to protect her or how to get her help. They died in the car accident a few months later. I tried to tell Mrs. Feldman what happened. Except, she didn’t want to hear it—and admit her son pimped out his daughter for drugs. Bri never got counseling. If she had, maybe she wouldn’t have turned to drugs. Just like our mom. And it’s why she didn’t value herself, and . . .”
Kendra laid a hand on Linc’s arm. “It’s not your fault. You were a kid. You tried to get her help. And you’ve been there for her when she got arrested and could have gone to jail. When she could have lost custody of Jalen. And you’re here now.” He’d taken leave and come all the way back here because Bri said she was in trouble. He could have blown it off. “I hope the authorities find her and she gets out of this.”
“If not, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
She’d known this was personal, with Bri being his sister. Now that she knew their history, she understood why he couldn’t stay out of it and leave it to the police. She sighed. “The other thing keeping me from sleeping is that I need to apologize. I did stereotype, and I prejudged you because you’re in the military. That wasn’t fair, and you’ve opened my eyes to see that.”
“Okay.” His mouth quirked up in a grin that heated her up in all the right places.
“When I’m wrong, I admit it so we can put it in the past and start with a clean slate.” She paused and summoned her courage. “I know the timing stinks with this situation, and you have to go back to wherever you’re deployed when it’s resolved, but when you get home, I’d like to take you out for dinner. Kind of my way of apologizing,” she fumbled for words.
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” he said, shaking his head.
Her lungs seized. What did she expect after rejecting him? She’d taken a risk.
“I wouldn’t want your family to disown you.”
She couldn’t tell if he was teasing or serious, but her lungs started to work again. “Maybe it’s time for Grandma Ruby to be enlightened too.”
He studied her silently for a few seconds. “Counteroffer. I ask you out. You accept this time. I take you to dinner, and if that goes well, then you can invite me to dinner.”
“Technically, you’ve already taken me to dinner.”
“You mean today? No. I paid for dinner, but it wasn’t a date . So, we start over?” He held out his hand.
“Agreed.” She shook his hand.
He clasped hers tighter and leaned against the back of the couch, staring intently at her. “Is it okay if we just stay here like this for a minute or two?”
“Sure.” She repositioned to get comfortable, letting her shoulder and upper arm touch his. It felt surprisingly comfortable. “I guess you don’t get a lot of contact and handholding when you’re deployed.”
He gave an amused chuckle. “Hardly.” He squeezed her hand lightly and rested them atop his thigh. “I need this.”
Sitting here together, simply holding hands, restored a sense of balance and control missing from her life these past few years. She needed this, too—a man with whom she could share what she’d been through without judgment.
It’d taken weeks of dating before she’d had the courage to tell Marcus. He’d taken it well, though he hadn’t reacted like she’d hoped. Not like Linc had. Not only did Linc’s reaction surprise her, it made him even more attractive. And not just physically so.
She’d been able to get intimate with Marcus, though physical desire and passion hadn’t been there. But she wanted that again. And Linc sent her body temperature to the you-should-be-hospitalized heat level. However, she should still take things slow.
After several minutes of sitting silently with his eyes closed, she suspected that he had dozed off. “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep now?”
“There’s a better chance than before you came in here.” He roused himself upright and closed his laptop while holding onto her hand. “I do need to sleep if I’m going to be any good tomorrow. Thanks again. For everything.” He lifted their joined hands and pressed a kiss to the top of hers.
The way he looked at her had her leaning in toward him. Except she lost her nerve and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. His fingers squeezed hers before letting go.
“Good night.” His husky voice would be whispering to her in her dreams.